I just got back from my session today and I feel more confused than ever. I'm not really sure what sign of progress that means and while I'm trying to trust the process, I feel like ripping my hair out at times.
Probably the most confusing question is whether I consider myself male or female. Ok duh I know just look between the legs the next time in the loo, but I sat there not able to answer this question for a long time. What do I want the answer to be - I dunno and I am so envious of the 99% of the population that this is a no brainer for.
Deep down inside me I want to be female, I have always dreamed that somehow miraculously I'd wake up with flowing hair, softer skin, be more in touch with my emotions and spirit but I know I'll wake up looking at the same ugly mugshot later.
In my logical side, I want to be a male and do what I am supposed to. Be a good male role model for my family and be comfortable with my body. I've tried that simple feeling so much and all that gets is instant frustration anymore with me.
So I want to be female sort of but know the consequences of wanting that which are worse than being a male. Or am I just being disillusional and I just need to be slapped to wake up and realize what I really want. I wish there could be a simple test (yes/no) or someone who will tell me the answer yet I know I'm dreaming once again.
I hate this not knowing, I wish for once in my life I could be decisive. But I can't.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
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