Friday, September 30, 2016

Why am I looking for validation?

Hello blog,

It feels like its been a tumultuous few weeks for me personally and I wonder if it is dealing with the tough of gender of dysphoria or if it is me finally saying enough and giving in to my true inner self.

You know I spend so many hours researching, reading blogs, watching you tube videos and searching trans material and wonder why I do this or why I am so obsessed with it.  Just today I was frantically searching for the quick and easy click here and take this test to tell if you are trans and should transition even though I know such a thing would be completely foolish and inaccurate.

Truth to be told I know why I was searching for it.  I so want something to tell me definitely that I am trans and that I should transition. I want something to tell me that I should live my life as a female and that all my wishing that I was born that way is for a purpose.  I want somebody to tell me to transition and that things will all work out.

I want this validation and happy fairy book ending.

Unfortunately life is not like this and each day I wake thinking I'm a failure and a fraud and completely pathetic by not doing anything.  It hurts so bad so deep inside that I hide away and feel so distant from reality. I don't know how in words to explain this pain and wanting to someone non-trans but I really want to.  I used to feel so close to the edge of of being between two worlds, but now I feel that I am slipping down into needing to transition and no matter how furious I fight it, I can't get back to that middle ground.

I literally feel like I am ripping apart trying to maintain what the world wants from me and I worry I cannot hold up much longer.  I guess I want some validation that I am not a failure, some validation that I am not crazy, some validation that I am not making the biggest mistake of my life, some validation that things will get better.

If only there was a simple test for that.  I just wish.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

lost

Some days are tougher than others and today is no exception to the rule.  Lately I have been really struggling alot with my gender identity and trying to get back on to writing to help alleviate some of that pressure.

For those who are happy with two genders and even those that feel comfortable with the one they were genetically born into I know that I seem rather confusing.  I keep thinking to myself why I wasn't born a woman and how much better my life would be.  Of course it is so much easier with would bes that dealing with as is.  But honestly I have often asked this question since I was a teenager and watching how puberty made me feel awful.

I have often thought about my cross-dressing need as swimming and needing the occasion to bob up for air and experience life before diving down to make some progress.  But lately that analogy doesn't work as I feel like fighting my dysphoria is a losing battle here.  Somewhere deep inside me tells me that I need to transition, I have no idea how to or how to make a go of it, but this need is feeling all-encompassing.

I just can't go on much longer I fear and this will have drastic consequences to my whole world and for all those I love.  I am scared shitless and have my heart in my throat thinking of saying these things out loud and even writing them down seems hard. I just don't know which way to turn and feel so lost.


Monday, September 19, 2016

Stuck in-between

Hello blog,

You know that every time I think I've figured something out I start analyzing all the what-ifs of the situation and end up back where I started.  Sort of like a turtle that has been flipped on her back that pushes and pushes to right its way up but slips and ends up spinning on her hind side again.  

Right now, the urge and the desire to quit faking my life and follow the t word (transition dare I speak it) is pulling strong inside of me.  Emotionally I want to push my chips all in and just go for it, logically I sit here and ponder the absurdity and if I have the strength to do that. 

I just spent last week at a work conference playing conservative business man during the day only to change each night and see the town as Jaclyn.  And I felt so much better and comfortable being Jaclyn that going back has been really really hard.  I broke down the last day just thinking that this was coming and haven't fully recovered from that yet.  I honestly want to run away and start anew and true and as Jaclyn but lack the fortitude to take this step.  I so look up to all the trans-sisters before me that have done just that and would love to talk with them to understand if the gains far exceeded the losses in their lives at this step.

I still don't know who I am and where I fall in the gender line besides somewhere in-between male and female.  I think I really want that line to be female and dream about that every night. If only I had a fairy godmother to make things all right.

Here are a few shots of my new hair style and my time out in Vegas for me to remember.  Each day I feel closer and closer to making my dreams come true.

Hugs & Kisses, Jaclyn




Friday, September 2, 2016

pink fog?

Good morning blog,
I think one of the things about dealing with a life of gender dsyphoria is that you tend to read a ton of books, blogs, websites, etc. of others whom have gone down this path before.
Lately I have been dealing with the issue others have termed the 'pink fog'.  Meaning that after being able to feel free and wonderful and spend time as Jaclyn, I am really struggling with the transition back to my 'normal' life again.
Really inside right now I want to not do that.
I am so so tired of playing this charade with others, I feel so fake and ungenuine trying to be what others want me to be.
I only want to be Jaclyn.  Just typing these words makes me feel warm and good inside. There is so much that I want and have no plans or idea how to get there but I want to.  I feel inside that I need to as I feel the other life is choking me away.
Am I totally crazy?  How do I start this conversation with friends, with co-workers with anyone else outside?
I look in the mirror and it feels so revolting and just thinking about it burns me inside.
I need some help, I just don't know how to do that.