Monday, November 25, 2013

holidays approaching

Good monday morning blog,

This week officially starts the holiday season with a busy schedule of Thanksgiving / Hannukah / Christams kick-off slated for the end of the week.  I feel so unprepared and overwhelmed at how everything gets crammed together here, but mostly I have lots of anxiety dealing with family and reconcilation.

Ever since my "coming out" this past year, it has felt really awkward being around my wfe's family. While they say they are supportive and accepting, it still seems like there is an air of cautiousness and unease when I am around in a casual setting with them.  It hurts me sometimes that I think my sister-in-law feels a bit apprehensive and worried of me being around my niece. I guess I can understand that is natural protection instinct on her part, I just wonder if this is start of me drifting further and further away and that makes me sad.

I also have lots of anxieties and issues to work out with my family, not the least of with is accepting that I am definitely not the son they wanted and that's ok.  With Thanksgiving and my Mom's birthday coming up I fell into that guilt trap and send her a bouquet of flowers today.  I wish that I could be closer to her and actually share more, but those things are just empty wishes.

I could really use a warm hug right now and for someone to tell me things are going to be ok.  I did some shopping last week and added to my replenshing wardrobe by adding a cute black dress and a nice causal blouse.  I even tried to expand my color palette by accesorizing with a colorful scarf, which pleasantly suprised me how it helped accent the outfit.  There is a holiday party here in Chicago that I would absolutely love to go to and wear this outfit out to, but that is not possible in the current situation.  I feel like Cinderella waiting on my fairy godmother but I know that fantasy tale is another empty wish of mine.  So I will hunker down and make do keeping up the pretense for another holiday, and perhaps next year will be a different season.

Wishing everyone out there a Happy Thanksgiving.  I am really thankful that I don't have to worry about alot of things in my life that others deal with each day, and we will do our best to help with the local food pantry again for a small token to help those out there.


Monday, November 18, 2013

Somewhere in between

Finally it appears the storm clouds that have been with us this weekend are breaking up and another crisp, chilly November sky looms overhead.  I've been doing alot of soul searching and deep thinking lately so that has spurred on several poetic outbursts from me. The other day I noticed a woman wearing a pair of very cute knee high boots and then felt ashamed when I went to approach her to ask her where she got them from. I wish I knew why I have these thoughts or understood them better, but I feel I guess I have to keep struggling with them for awhile before anything makes sense.  I have been doing some reading on the gender binary and what that means so that inspired the poem below.  Hope you enjoy.


Somewhere in between

The closest door clicks,
                             I venture out,
                                               Into confusion, I wander about,

Glance in mirror,
                       Perplexed just to see,
                                                 Hating myself, for just being me,
Trying to love,
                     Trying not to be ashamed,
                                                   Eyes stinging and burning, my cries in vain,

Wish I knew why,
                           These need that I feel,
                                                  Thinking I'm wrong, thinking I'm not real

This is the burden of trying to live somewhere in between.

I've spend my whole life, pretending to be,
Someone people can accept, someone they'll see,
With deep hate for myself, for being born this way,
My softness true insides, I mask and hide away,
This gender binary, its so hard to achieve,
Somewhere inside my two souls long to be free.

Sometimes I feel,
                       On the side of a cliff,
                                                   Dangling and scrambling, with no relief,

No safety rope,
                    I can't return back,
                                               Afraid of ahead, of accepting the fact,

Should I just let go,
                            And accept a hard landing,
                                                      Or will it be soft, and understanding,

I'm frozen in place,
                         Struggling to hold up my weight,
                                                      Until the time comes for my inevitable fate,

I'm struggling to try and live somewhere in between.

Where I have been, what I struggle to be,
Is all just a ruse, a pretense I let others see,
Would anyone notice, would anyone care,
If instead of all this, I just wasn't there,
This gender binary, its so hard to achieve,
Somewhere inside, my two souls long to be free.

So I look up ahead,
                  And I look back behind,
                                         For some clear vision, to uncloud my mind,

I don't trust my past,
                  Everything feels like one big mistake,
                                         I consistently go the wrong, no matter the choice I make,

I'm feeling so lost,
                 Just an empty shell,
                                   A prisioner to this facade, I know to well,

My desperate pleas,
                 I hang in the air,
                                   No matter what rescue comes, I'll move nowhere,

Instead I'll sit and I'll cry,
                 Eyes stinging back tears,
                                    Pathethic and miserable, alone with my fears,

And this is just all,
                  I've ever learned how to be,
                                     Somewhere in between, trapped inside of me.

This is the burden of trying to live somewhere in between.

I am just a lose, a hubub, a fraud,
My misery I pretend will magically dissolve,
I am just to blame, for not speaking up,
I'm destined to this enternity, unless I learn to step up,
This gender binary, I hate the notion of this you see,
Instead of one choice, I want both to reconcile within me.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Latest pics

Hi blog,

Yes it has been a busy past week with family here so I haven't had much of a chance to capture my thoughts down here in electronic form.  Not to say I haven't been busy, I have been writing and thinking and contemplating alot about myself and trying to decide where I am going.  As my counselor says perhaps I am trying to rush into things too quickly but the sitting around and sorting things out has not been my cup of tea.

As I have been so upset at myself for my latest purge, I am already finding it hard not to pick up an item or two and I am on my way to rebuilding again.  I miss my auburn hair but I am getting used to my new mid-length look and actually liking the new look.

This week's session was a tough one and basically devolved into me trying to not be so ashamed of myself and to start from there.  That is a very tough lesson for me and I am so in awe of all my fellow transgender sisters and brothers out there that seem to have it so much more together. I'm trying each day to get a bit further along there, but I feel so painfully slow along this path.  Someday perhaps my little steps will amount to a large distance, but still I need to let go of the railing to actually move forward I believe.

Anywho, I decided to take some Jaclyn time even though it was a fleeting few moments in between a busy time.  I've tried to capture some pics to help me feel better of myself, I know that I need so much work and I really rushed the makeup and could use some tweezing for the brows, and so forth, but nonetheless here I am today.  I hope someday I will look back a wonderfully beautiful woman and even more than that is that I will feel and know that beautiful feeling on the inside.

Ciao for now.  Hugs,

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Small steps forward

Hello blog,

Happy news yeserday - the state of Illinois finally got it together and passed the marriage equality law.  It is a small victory and I know many others did more than I with my few calls and emails to to those in congress, but it is time coming for sexual orientation and gender discrimination to end.  But enough of the political soapbox since I usually don't really get all of it anyways.

I had a productive session with my therapist yesterday and lots of talking about acceptance.  It is so had to retrain myself to accept who I am, and I still have lots of questions around that, but I think I am making more progress with her than I did with my last one.  As I am try to think positively, that is a good thing.

But where I seem to be hung up is figuring out who I really am.  Quite silly I must say after all these years on this earth that I still am not quite sure of that.  I am going to try and commit to this self-discovery exercise as it is so hard and I feel so alone here.  Ok, I'm taking my drama queen personna again but I think the next wave of the storm is gathering on the horizon.  I hope that I will have the strength and the foresight to pull myself through it and not come crashing down.  I feel like I have started down this path and can't go back anymore, just try and go forward.

I've written some poetry but of course I forgot my journal at the counselor's office so I will have to hold off on publishing it. Instead I found a good quote that I will include below.  I think that summarizes how I have been feeling for longer than needed for me to turn completely nuts.  Oh well, que sera, sera.

“But you can only lie about who you are for so long without going crazy.”
― Ellen WittlingerParrotfish

Monday, November 4, 2013

which road?

Hello blog,

This morning (and late last night) I felt pretty low about myself.  I've been busy doing an assignment on identifying things that I don't like about myself and lets say that list has gotten pretty long. I don't know if others similar to me feel this way as much as I do, but lets say I am so tired about feeling crappy about myself.

Driving to work today was even harder and I so wanted to just keep heading south on the expressway until I reach somewhere far, far away.  I didn't of course and I never seem to ever do anything besides sit by myself crying about my inabilities.

I don't want this to be a pity me posting but rather someday something I will look back upon as how far I've made it.  I have the utmost respect for any transgender person who has the courage to follow their dreams and live the way they feel best even if they don't ever transition.  It seems like that is a point of contention among the online community at least on what qualifies you to claim participation in this group, but to someone like me that can't seem to gather enough courage to take the first steps I am in awe of the strength of all those who have.

This weekend I had some free time with just my wife and the discussion of me being happy without dressing or acting feminine came up as it is often on her mind. I don't want to lie to her but I don't know the answer really to that question.  Somedays I wish I could just leave Jaclyn behind but then the next the comfort and feelings of inner peace of her is all I can think about.  Of course I gave her an alluding answer and I know she didn't buy it so I had to reassure that the Jaclyn part of my life was over.  But it is not and deep inside I know that.

So I am soon going to be back out on that road.  I wish to god I could find someone, anyone to help me sort out where I'm headed but that is something I will have to do alone I guess.  At least tomorrow won't be monday.


Friday, November 1, 2013

Point blank

Greeting blog,
I was just listening to some old favorite tunes of mine while dealing with medical receipts.  If one's not clinically crazy enough going through all these forms can definitely put one there lol.

Anyways, I woke up rather low this morning and was thinking about how I had to file all these forms and wondering if therapy is doing me any good. Many days I think the answer is no to that although I am going to continue on in blind faith I guess. No matter I tell myself I struggle with seing any self-worth here and frankly I don't see any way around that feeling.  I have seriously thought about running away or ending it all several times a day for the past few weeks and start to believe that may the answer for me. I don't know as I'm crying here thinking about it all once again.  I so wish I could have a moment of clarity and strength to do something, but really that is never going to happen.

As I said, I am a big Bruce Springsteen fan and have been listening to his River album lately.  I wrote a poem the other day with the background music to Point Blank running in my head.  I guess that song kind of sums up how I felt me thinking of how my coming out went.  If you know that song, the poem may go along with the music in the background in the beginning and end of that song.


Point Blank
Gray clouds roll overhead, holding back the rain,
Blustery winds all around, driving without an aim,
I'm walking without direction, shroud myself in the pain,
I don't know how to cry once again.

Things once were so simple, such an easy plan,
What to do, whom to be, and how to act like a man,
Now everything's upside down, spinning end over end,
I'm in the middle of this twisting dervish looking for a helping hand.

Now I'm stuck at point blank,
Nowhere left that I can go,  oh,
Point blank, the place I always come back,
I tried once and failure is my only road.

I wonder where I'm going, I don't remember where I've been,
Each path it seems to me always leads to a dead end,
I hold myself and cry, and then do it once again,
I just want to know whyt I can't get anything right?

Searching for direction, although I know what road to take,
The inevitable conclusion that my life is one big mistake,
I'm too tired of trying, but thus move I continue to make,
How did I ever end up this way?

Now I'm stuck at point blank,
Nowhere left that I can go,  oh,
Point blank, the place I always come back,
I tried once and failure is my only road.

To throw it all away or finally to be true,
I reflect in my soul but know not what to do,
Suppress my dreams and thoughts, scared to let them loose,
Is my destiny just an inescapable noose?

I duck my head back down, hide away from the sight,
Lock my feelings deep inside, hold them away from the light,
Biding my time to come out, in the darkest night,
What will I do if I am forced to choose?

For now I'll do nothing, cry where noonce can hear,
For now I stare helplessly, my legs paralyzed by fear,
For now I bid my time and wish for an answer to appear,
What will I do when the moment is right?

When that day finally arrives that I finally speak,
When the day dawns on my desperate secret I'll leak,
When that day arrives I declare to finally be free,
Will I finally act and finally find me?

Until then I'm stuck at point blank,
Nowhere left that I can go,  oh,
Point blank, the place I always come back,
Point blank, afraid to leave the pain I know.