Thursday, October 29, 2015

reflects from week1

Good morning,

Alot has happened with me in the past month yet I feel somedays that things are going much slower than I like.  Sort of a contradiction of things as I was reminded that transformation implies something that takes time.  Patience is a virtue that I lack at times.

As I am nearing the end of my first week on t-blockers, I am not sure if I really notice many changes yet besides the urge to run to the washroom more frequently.  I have been trying to up my water intake as well so that may be contributing to that.  Emotionally, I have felt a little more calm thinking how my body is removing that yucky hormone but besides that I feel roughly the same.  I haven't thought about suicide much the past few days so perhaps subtle changes in my mental state are happening below my perception. I don't know really, and I guess what I have accept is that there is so much that I don't have any idea about.

I have been writing a bit but nothing too good.  I will share a quick verse here and perhaps come back to this at a later date.


Drifting through the clear blue sky,
Shapes transforming to my eye,
Sit transfixed staring up am I,
As the peaceful cloud passes slowly by.

Where it came from, where it goes?
I could stare all day and never know,
But does that matter even so,
Briefly flourishing and later gone.

Why do I look ahead, dwell on behind
Why can't I enjoy today for all I find?
I feel like the cloud drifting away,
My shape transforming with a new day,

I'm ready to fly I'm ready to learn,
To become the best person I can discern,
I need someone to release me please
Freedom, beauty, please be me.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Starting down the path

Good morning blog,

There is a famous saying that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.  That pretty much sums my attitude up this morning.

I finally faced some of my biggest fears in acceptance and walked into the local gender clinic this past week to discuss how to start becoming free.  Perhaps I don't really know exactly what free will look like to me but it has to be better than this muddling indecision that has plagued me.

I have started to pursue my dream of transition.  I left with a plan and a prescription for testosterone blockers to see how that makes me feel.  I want to be me and I want to be free.

God I hope I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life.  Wish me luck.


Friday, October 16, 2015

my coming out (again)

Good morning blog,

I'm feeling a bit anxious this morning thinking that next week at this time will be the start of Jaclyn's second coming out to the world.  I broke down with fear and depression yesterday and ended up sobbing on the phone to my therapist about how scared the path ahead seems to me. I feel so frightened and alone at times here that it helps to have this blog or someone to reach out to at times. Today has started a little better but I am sure I will start dwelling on things once again and cycling through the emotions.  I am such a little drama queen at times.

Anyhow, I have mapped out my day next Friday or at least through the afternoon part of it.  I am going to debut my new look and if things go well stop at a store and pick out some feminine glasses so I don't have to keep blindly fumbling around because of my vanity.  But really the mountain ahead will be my appointment at the gender clinic, and I have been busy trying to write down my thoughts that I want to say there.  Below is my current draft as the more I write this and read and put it out there the more I feel better about coming out.  Silly I know but its all the little tiny movements that result in a big step forward.  Anyways, here it is as of today:

Dr xxxx,

Thank you so much for seeing me today, it means alot to me to hopefully find someone I can talk with that understands. I feel like I have spent most of my life hating myself and hiding away.  It feels so good to finally be out and open and talking freely to you even though I know this is a safe and sheltered environment.  I just want to be free and be me and feel good about it.

I have dealt with the feelings inside that I was not born right for a very long time, and for awhile I felt that this need had gone away for good.  It hasn't, but only has gotten worse. In the past six or seven years I have had these feelings return a little at first and I started to accept that I feel better about myself as Jaclyn than in my male body.  When I look in the mirror I sometimes see Jaclyn, I sometimes see John and if I concentrate on my maleness I honestly feel sick and disgusted inside.  I hate that I cannot be happy with what I was born with, and would cut and tear about this body if that would make it better.  

I have gotten to the point now that I find myself obsessing over Jaclyn so much that I have trouble concentrating at work or at home, and spend several hours awake every night thinking about it.  I feel totally confused and pathetic to the point that I know nothing about how difficult and perhaps ridiculous my life would be as Jaclyn.

In fact, I realize that I don't really know much nor do I really know what I want.  I don't know what you would consider me - a cross-dresser, gender dsyphoria, suppressed homosexual, etc. and perhaps that is why I am flailing around in life,  It hurts to feel like I need to continue to live two different lives and deny one of them.  I have come out to my family a little over two years ago about my feelings, but for us to remain intact this part of myself cannot exist.  In the last few months I have felt totally lost and depressed about my life, and I have seriously considered suicide and made plans for this often.

I feel like my life is totally out of control, and I am so so looking for help to fix me.  Please help.

So that's the general gist.  I am still rewriting and will probably end up being rather verbose, but it feels good to get it out there.  I just don't know where that is or where it is going.

Confused as ever.  Hugs, Jaclyn

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

not apologizing

Hello blog,
Feeling like crap today.  Not going to apologize or try to pretend I'm not, I just woke up feeling like my life's one big mistake once again.
I hate myself and keep thinking about just ending it all.  That's the thing with being depressed to the point of actually thinking suicide, it seems like something that always exists out there lurking in the back of the mind as a peaceful exit ramp to use in case of emergency.
I think more and more of this exit ramp, but don't have the stones to go through any more than a half-hearted attempt like a month ago,  I don't know, just feel like crap today.