Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Good-bye forever...

Today marks the one month anniversary of my coming out and sadly to say this doesn't feel like a happy occasion.

I keep feeling darker and darker thoughts about myself and have started crying again at a level  near to my last breakdown before I started therapy with Barbra.  I am feeling anger and resentment toward my wife and she is starting to reciprocate these feelings back.  I worry that my daughter is starting to absorb some of the tension and anger in the household and I keep getting accused of shutting down and not telling my wife the truth.

But she can't handle the truth.  I feel like shouting this back to her but any action like this would be the last straw I suppose.  Of course I'm happy with myself and things are good - isn't that what she wants to hear?  Really I can't be further from this and more and more realize what a big mistake I am.  I wish so badly I wasn't born with this stupid penis, that I wasn't expected to be a man and that I could actually just be happy and start over as Jaclyn.  I hate this existence so much and am reminded by my wife how pre-pubescent and wrong I am trying to make myself appear.  She looks away with such disdain when she says things like I can't imagine you stuffing a bra or going outside like that and how wrong it all is.  Of course this is just because my parents messed me up, and has nothing to do with my true feelings.  I am trying so hard to contain all this in yet I feel I am getting close to explode again.  I don't know what to do but I see the train wreck ahead and can't find the brake.

Last night I didn't sleep much but stayed awake thinking about these things.  I foresee a big fight and resulting in me being kicked out of the house.  My wife hates me and my daughter will be angry at me going away.  There is noone left and frankly that is good in some aspects. I am so tired of pretending in this life and for being such a terrible failure.  I am going to kill myself this time and can't see any reason not to.  I am going to write some letters to my family to say goodbye and shoot some video to tell my daughter how much I love her when they go out of town in a few weeks.  I have the pills and the bottle picked out and it will be just a peaceful sleep and then no more pain.

This will probably be my last blog entry as I don't feel any better writing anymore.  I wish anyone that comes across this in the future that they have a better life than the torture that is mine.

Goodbye forever,

Thursday, July 4, 2013

independence day?

Hello blog,

Today is not being a good day, I'm am having very strong urges just to run away and go all Jaclyn and finding it seemingly very difficult staying in male form.  This is not my idea of independence day whatsoever but to keep it together I must.  Last week I ran off for a few brief moments and got to dress up and it was such a relief, even sneaking on a pair of panties feels like I can breathe easier. I am so screwed up.

I think today we will be celebrating my past birthday with my entire wife's family.  I feel like I will have to be on display and draw all my resources to act happy.  I am typing and crying now here alone for a few moments worried that I won't be able to pull this off.

I called Howard Brown twice and have gotten very close to setting up an appointment with them.  I don't get to see my worthless male doc until the 20th so I would like to talk to someone before doing that.  I keep thinking how much better my life would have been if I was born a girl and had a dream last night that I had transitioned and was meeting with my wife.  She was so sad at the sight of me.  I hate having all of these thoughts in my head and hate trying to fake my way through life.  I am having so much more trouble at that these days and feeling more desperate.

I have to run along and hope that playing with my daughter will bring some peace to the storm that feels like is raging inside me.  I hate my life so bad and don't know where to turn.  Why can't I be happy with all the good around me.

Happy 4th,

Monday, July 1, 2013

July 1

Hello blog,

Today is the first day of July and this marks that the horrid month that last June was is finally over. Sad that June has typical been my favorite month of the year that this one has been so terribly long.

As the month of May brought me finally to accept that I am transgender, the month of June brought me to accept some more much unpleasant things.  While I still question whether or not coming out to my wife was the dumbest idea I have ever had, there is really nothing more to do than to pick up the pieces and try and go forward from there.  She is still closed down and not listening and sadly I am losing faith that she will ever be able to understand.  There is too much anger and fear there for me to overcome.

So, based on this I will need to go back into hiding for the rest of my life. I have come to accept as she says I will never ever pass as a woman just like I have trouble passing as a man.  What does that make me?  I guess it depends if you are asking based on appearance or feelings.  I don't trust I will ever be able to open up my feelings again as rejection hurts so badly so the answer will be probably a socially-unfit male.

I know that I am not depressed.  I stopped taking those stupid anti-depressants last week as their side effects listed weight gain and sexual dis-function as possible.  I really don't want to gain any weight (I still have around 10 lbs to lose) and unfortunately I don't seem to see any sexual dis-function so I have nothing to gain from them.  My wife keeps telling me how much better I seem and that they must be helping.  Again, she only sees me as what she wants to see.

Other things I have come to accept:  I need to go back to presenting myself as a content, happy male role.  Dan, the dork therapist, will not be of help to me but I will need to go through the motions and pretend he is.  I may need to purge or pretend purge to help present some miracle cure I suppose. I cannot open up my deep personal thoughts to my wife since she has no ability to handle them.  I will continue to feel like dressing as a woman for those brief moments to help me feel good about myself, but I will need to do this in hiding and deepest of closets/  And lastly, if I feel like I cannot continue this charade any longer and I cannot deny my inside feelings, then I need to end things once and for all.  And not in an obvious fashion since that would leave grief and despair to people around me, but I will chose to do in an 'accidential' fashion so that will avoid anyone having guilt about my suicide.  I really don't care since I won't be around anyways, and I have several methods already in mind for that.

As I start July, this coming week has me spending the week in Michigan with my wife's entire family and is not the way I really want to start it.  But there is no other choice to appear to be making 'healthy' progress and I am especially despising having to celebrate my birthday with all of them.  I am going to need all of resources to pretend and feign artificial happiness this week as right now her parents are on the top of my hated list.  But when I do feel my act slipping, I am planning to spend time totally involved with my daughter, the truly most wonderful and happiest part of my life and the only reason that I even stay around.  Will I make it to see her graduate college, get married or even make it out of the third grade?  I hope so but would not place bets on any of these.

Take care,