Today is not a happy day for me.
Actually when I think of the definition of happy, most of the time I don't think I would classify myself at being anywhere near as what the definition may show as the picture of happiness.
This thought is depressing and makes me wonder just what I need to be happy.
To be loved and accepted by others? To feel part of a larger family/community and free to be myself? To represent myself as Jaclyn and transition to a world which only knows me as she?
I really don't know. I know I could answer yes to some/many/all of these questions above at times in my past but I don't think they have provided me with a magical path to happiness.
I know in a clinical sense there is something with dopamine and anti-depressants that when you find the correct mix you are supposed to have some "awakening" experience and feel better inside.
I have tried many of these wonder pills and have yet to experience that.
I just wonder if I don't really have the capacity to be happy at all. Is that possible and is that ok?
I think I want to be happy and try to be but do I sabotage myself on purpose or am I really just not able to feel this emotion? I know that I can feel sadness and pain and really those are overcoming me more and more these days.
So maybe I just don't want to be happy in reality. That feels sad and depressing but yet is a comfortable state that I am used to being in.
Can I be discomfortably happy? How do I go about doing this?
I dunno. I wish I did but I am feeling the opposite of happy - hopelessness - right now.