Feeling on exhibit

 With all my personal struggles, I have often thought what self acceptance may feel like.  While it may not be accurate, my idea is that I will experience this when I can be out in public and feel "natural".  That is, I will feel like I blend in with cis and non-cis individuals and not spend time thinking to myself that I am obviously a trans person or worrying that I am a peculiarity that others may notice (either directly or the indirect side eye glances).

I've been thinking about this idea of being on exhibit based on recent conversations with my life partner and them trying to understand and accept my gender questioning.  We have talked about starting with small steps of me sharing a top or two that I wear to try and facilitate further discussion.

I seem to be the hang up at this point, and I have been pondering about my hestitation to take this small step. 

Firstly, I thought of fear of their reaction, their impression and thoughts of me when looking at my clothes choices.  Since I am not very self confident either, this seemed like a logical thought.

But lately I have been thinking it is all coming back to me feeling on exhibit with this request.  Sort of like every thing I do is on display and my spouse and others are going to be their critiquing and commenting on that "trans individual".

I know this is irrational and a reflection of my lack of self acceptance, but damnit it is hard to have my brain tell this to my heart.  I want to continue these small steps but also so frightened about going past that proverbial point of no return here.

I wonder if again this is normal and tell myself there is no such thing as normal.  So I will keep stumbling ahead and see where it leads.

Until then

~Jaclyn  

Fear

Hello blog, 

Lately I have been doing alot of self-reflection. Duh, that is nothing new to me because I seem to get lost in my own musing and never seem to move beyond that.  Regardless, there has been one emotion that seems to be on the surface recently and has been pre-occupying my wee brain.  Fear.

By my nature, I know that I am a very fearful person.  I've been advised that this developed from my childhood in which I was a very imaginative and fearful child.  I was scared of the dark, scared of doctors, scared of water, scared of school and other children, etc. etc.

Probably makes sense that I grew up as someone afraid of pretty much anything and regardless of what I tell myself to be brave my main fight or flight reaction is to freeze out of fear.

Really, I write this blog primarily because of fear.  I feel like a pathetic, little, chickenshit person typing these words out in the anonymity of this blog but sometimes this the only outlet I have to express myself and retain some sanity.  I still feel disappointed in myself because of how much I let fear rule me and I am hoping that acknowledging and reflecting will help in some little way.

When I started to first explore and self-discover myself as Jaclyn, the biggest fear was to go out or admit this expression to anyone else.  I have written about the years of struggle and tears as I was unable to get past the front door.

That is not really a fear of mine anymore as going out is something that I like to do when possible and I probably should be more cautious around strangers than I am.  Last week I had this opportunity (see pics below) and had a great time being out in a public space for at least a few hours when I had some free time.

I think today I fear admitting my true feelings to people I know and love.  There is a bit of worry around rejection based on my past coming out experiences and worry around how some people I have been hidden from may react.  I cannot deny that at all and have been resistant to share even with those I know really care for me.

My biggest fear is around admitting these feelings to myself.  Because if I admit that I feel best in the world being true as a female there is a million of things that means.  While I know that others are able to compartimalize these feelings and switch from one gender to another, that is very hard for me.  If I admit that I feel good as a female and then the more I accept and discover about this, the more I want to continue.  I try to tell myself only one thing at a time, but once I start it seems like a ball rolling down a hill, it gathers momentum.  The need of that feeling seems like it grows exponentially and becomes all consuming and I am afraid I couldn't stop.  This crash caused me problems in the past as I gave up control and ended up in hospitalization and I worry if I give in again there may be worse results.

Even going out last week for a few days did not sate this feeling as all I can think about right now is when I will get a chance to go out again.  And how to keep doing this more and more.

I guess I fear self-acceptance or fear what it means to have the feelings that I do inside and I am feeling vulnerable and scared right now.  That is why I keep writing this blog in my hidden away life, and continue to struggle one day at a time.

Hugs,

~J

What's in a name

 Hello blog,

There are some changes today with the most notable one the change in my title.  This is all based on my current identity crisis and reflects the real chaos and confusion I am feeling within.

I've recently been trying open dialogue with my s.o. regarding my issues and depression and have struggled alot.  I have gone away from writing which is always a sign of my retreating and probably will be some time before I start putting thoughts down here.

One of the discoveries from our discussion revolved around the name that I identified with and some of their feelings towards it.  One thing that I realized after these talks was the trauma attached to this name, as I had used it to reach out one time in my middle of night suicidal pleads.  Also tied into this is the discovery of the name by my daughter which we played off but probably not very convincingly.   Lastly, I have been in a terrible shame cycle and this has combined with all the other factors.

As a result, my mind has now shut down to the former name that I was using as just typing or hearing it sends waves of guilt and self-hatred.  I don't really know how to explain but it feels like that name is dead to me now, and I cringe at the thought of it being used in any form related to me or my feelings inside.

This has left me feeling quite untethered.  It seems ridiculous to have so much tied up into a name but I feel like I am in total limbo here.  I still have these feelings around my gender and who I am, but without an identity I feel lost and ashamed.  I've tried to just come up with a new name but it time that just doesn't feel right or I can't quite make any connection to it.   Going back an accepting the past with the old name doesn't feel right either to me.   

So that's really where I am right now, I feel lost and in the dark here without a clue what my next step should be.   

~