A new look

Hello blog,

Today I am going to try to maintain some positivity that will be a departure from many of my past entries here.

While I have not been out as much as I would like and not feeling up to writing much, I feel that desire to express my female persona is starting to reach that all-consuming stage here.  I recently decided to finally invest in a new wig (see below for image) and update some of my cosmetics.  I have been watching YouTube makeup tutorials and listening to trans podcasts again.   I got a couple of chances and went out a couple of times (last week to a fun drag bar) enfemme and have been working really hard on instead of being sad and troubled having to pack up my outfits to take the time and say good-bye until next time to my femme self at the end of the nights.

Really what has been on top of my mind lately is how I still live in a closet (mostly) albeit a larger one than before.  It's true that I have come out to my partner and a very small number of people, but I don't feel like I can consider myself being out at all.  It has been over 13 years since telling my partner and our “don't talk about it” policy I am thinking is not really a good thing. Instead of freeing me from shame, it just seems like this strategy is way to hide me away in a closet. I could be interpreting statements like I should be inside to be safe and avoid conflicts as code that if the neighbors or others find out about the true me it will reflect badly on us and cause lots of problems.

For now, I am not sure where this next wave will take us but I have pushed for us to restart counseling again. This will involve me being brave enough to be vulnerable and honest about my feelings, and then actually advocate for myself. That is a very scary thing for me to think about and I need to help to take this advice.  I wish I had some real world support person (a cis hetero normal female friend would be so amazing!) because I feel I can write and talk about things but then get stuck irl.   

For today, I am just going to enjoy my new look and try to keep looking forward to future possibilities.

Hugs,

Jaclyn

Messed up

 Hello blog,

Today I admit I am struggling and feeling untethered.  In the last few weeks, my journey has been going up and down with me feeling tired and unable to concentrate or do much of anything.  Probably this is pretty apparent with my lack of creating readable sentences here.

I recently decided that I needed a new look and went and got a wig consultation and ordered a new look.  It feels really vulnerable as the wig I chose was brighter shade and fuller look than before but I feel it does make my eyes look better and make my face look a little less round. I was going to post a few pictures of this but feel unable right now.

After this, my therapist and I had a large blow up and this caused me to cut off that relationship. That was really the only person I was able to feel trusting with right now even  though I didn't trust her at times.  Regardless, this left me feeling alone once again and a failure and a total mess-up.

I thought about cutting and perhaps short-sleeve weather and guilt prevented that one.  My birthday came and went and thankfully I was able to avoid most people as I did not feel like celebrating anything.

I feel like an ultimate fuck-up, and I do feel like all I do is to fail and disappoint people with myself being the main disappointment.  I'm crying and trapped in an endless cycle of shame.

I hate myself so much..

evolution - a poem

Chemical electrical pulses transform our biology

Seemingly infinite infinitesimal shifts occur continuously,

Without being marked by our conscious

Until one day we pause and self-analyze

On the evolution that we have become,

And wonder of the meaning behind all this change

And the direction behind all this change.

How does this make me feel?

Why do I minimize this so much?

What do I fear about where I go?

I despair that I am at a crossroad,

In which every path I chose loops me back to this same intersection.

While my muscles freeze in place

My mind races down every road my vision can see,

Retuning in disgust upon reaching the horizon without resolve,

And unable to traverse the minute distance within

To force the body to move in sync with the soul.

I pray for the force of evolution to someday change this outcome,

Instead of despair that never seems to change,

Still frozen at the crossroad.