Fear

Hello blog, 

Lately I have been doing alot of self-reflection. Duh, that is nothing new to me because I seem to get lost in my own musing and never seem to move beyond that.  Regardless, there has been one emotion that seems to be on the surface recently and has been pre-occupying my wee brain.  Fear.

By my nature, I know that I am a very fearful person.  I've been advised that this developed from my childhood in which I was a very imaginative and fearful child.  I was scared of the dark, scared of doctors, scared of water, scared of school and other children, etc. etc.

Probably makes sense that I grew up as someone afraid of pretty much anything and regardless of what I tell myself to be brave my main fight or flight reaction is to freeze out of fear.

Really, I write this blog primarily because of fear.  I feel like a pathetic, little, chickenshit person typing these words out in the anonymity of this blog but sometimes this the only outlet I have to express myself and retain some sanity.  I still feel disappointed in myself because of how much I let fear rule me and I am hoping that acknowledging and reflecting will help in some little way.

When I started to first explore and self-discover myself as Jaclyn, the biggest fear was to go out or admit this expression to anyone else.  I have written about the years of struggle and tears as I was unable to get past the front door.

That is not really a fear of mine anymore as going out is something that I like to do when possible and I probably should be more cautious around strangers than I am.  Last week I had this opportunity (see pics below) and had a great time being out in a public space for at least a few hours when I had some free time.

I think today I fear admitting my true feelings to people I know and love.  There is a bit of worry around rejection based on my past coming out experiences and worry around how some people I have been hidden from may react.  I cannot deny that at all and have been resistant to share even with those I know really care for me.

My biggest fear is around admitting these feelings to myself.  Because if I admit that I feel best in the world being true as a female there is a million of things that means.  While I know that others are able to compartimalize these feelings and switch from one gender to another, that is very hard for me.  If I admit that I feel good as a female and then the more I accept and discover about this, the more I want to continue.  I try to tell myself only one thing at a time, but once I start it seems like a ball rolling down a hill and gathers momentum.  The need of that feeling seems like it grows exponentially and becomes all consuming and I am afraid I couldn't stop.  This crash caused me problems in the past as I gave up control and ended up in hospitalization and I worry if I give in again there may be worse results.

Even going out last week for a few days did not sate this feeling as all I can think about right now is when I will get a chance to go out again.  And how to keep doing this more and more.

I guess I fear self-acceptance or fear what it means to have the feelings that I do inside and I am feeling vulnerable and scared right now.  That is why I keep writing this blog in my hidden away life, and continue to struggle one day at a time.

Hugs,

~J

What's in a name

 Hello blog,

There are some changes today with the most notable one the change in my title.  This is all based on my current identity crisis and reflects the real chaos and confusion I am feeling within.

I've recently been trying open dialogue with my s.o. regarding my issues and depression and have struggled alot.  I have gone away from writing which is always a sign of my retreating and probably will be some time before I start putting thoughts down here.

One of the discoveries from our discussion revolved around the name that I identified with and some of their feelings towards it.  One thing that I realized after these talks was the trauma attached to this name, as I had used it to reach out one time in my middle of night suicidal pleads.  Also tied into this is the discovery of the name by my daughter which we played off but probably not very convincingly.   Lastly, I have been in a terrible shame cycle and this has combined with all the other factors.

As a result, my mind has now shut down to the former name that I was using as just typing or hearing it sends waves of guilt and self-hatred.  I don't really know how to explain but it feels like that name is dead to me now, and I cringe at the thought of it being used in any form related to me or my feelings inside.

This has left me feeling quite untethered.  It seems ridiculous to have so much tied up into a name but I feel like I am in total limbo here.  I still have these feelings around my gender and who I am, but without an identity I feel lost and ashamed.  I've tried to just come up with a new name but it time that just doesn't feel right or I can't quite make any connection to it.   Going back an accepting the past with the old name doesn't feel right either to me.   

So that's really where I am right now, I feel lost and in the dark here without a clue what my next step should be.   

~

The pending talk ahead

Hello blog - 

I'm starting down that unknown path again and feel scared and afraid and alone but know I must do this.  Maybe I'm being over dramatic but I have been lying awake at night thinking about the future and what it may mean for me.  

I know I need to back up and add some context to help describe my state of mind here so here it goes.

As I have chronicled in the blog here through the years, I spent many many years not understanding what being trans meant not understanding these feelings inside me that I had been reliougly taught were wrong and sinful.  While I can wish I had some of that time back with the knowledge I have today, that is all time in the past that can only be reflected upon in the present.

Eventually, I continued to research and explore and try to figure things out.  This led me to coming out to my partner which was an epic failure and then was followed by years of therapy, soul searching, denying and self-hating that again I want to leave in the pile of the past.

This past year has gotten me back into the discovery phase of what I am and debating whether or not I am trans or what the hell I may be classified into.  Still not 100% certain on this, but feel like trans is the best definition I have to go on.  I have been trying to confront some of the traumas of my childhood through talk and K therapy and this has not been an easy summer with all those emotions coming up to the surface that I suppressed a long, long time ago.

Now, where this leads me is to present and what direction to point my ship towards for the future.  I feel like I owe my spouse a good honest talking as this subject we both have been thinking about and both have been avoiding talking about.  Its so funny how you both can know there is a problem and pretend that if you don't talk about it then it really doesn't exist even though neither of you believe that.  I love my partner and she has been with me through so much and I never want to lose her.

But...

I also struggle each day getting up and putting on this false charade and pretending.  I am thinking that I need to be that caterpiller busting out of their cocoon and start to look at the world that I want to be.  If I will continue to be a caterpiller or a butterfly or something in-between I do not know.  That is the truth.

What I do know is that we need to talk about these things.  We need to talk about how my heart aches and wants to go out into the world more often as Jaclyn and experience the community and life without pretending to be what I think others want me to be.  I think about wanting to have my own private space for my collections and to escape and dress in whenever I need that part of me to be alive.  I think about how my mind is a storm everyday and how micro-dosing or other treatments may help bring some calmness to the storm within.  I think about mostly what all of this means.

That brings me up to this week at least in a quick summary of my thoughts.  This week with the help of my therapist, my partner and I are planning to have that talk.  We promised each other that we need to finally speak even though both of us are scared shitless on what that means.  The anxiety and fear that she will toss me out into the street or that I will fold and waffle again is a 100 on a 1 to 10 point scale.

I am so scared.  

I admit that.  I just don't know how this will all go and wish it was at the beginning of the week instead of having to wait out the entire week to have time for this.   But especially, I am anxious as of this time next week how I will be feeling about myself - will I feel like I have taken a tiny step forward or will I feel the crushing disappointment that I withdrew and denied my true self once again.   How will I deal with pain, disappointment or any emotion that my spouse feels and not feel selfish at the same time.  What will be my next step from there?

There is alot of still unanswered and unknown questions here and trying to take it one small one at a time.  I need to stay in the present since I cannot control the past or future but saying and doing are two different things. 

I just am glad I have this refuge to use when I feel so alone like I do right now.

Hugs,
Jaclyn