Tuesday, May 7, 2024

Old pictures

 Hello blog,

With the return of warm weather, this weekend turned into being a productive one here for spring cleaning and tidying up my home for the summer.  One project I finally got around to doing was to go through some old boxes of collected knick-knacks and things that had been sitting around in a box collecting dust.  As I was in the middle of this project, I came across an old envelop stuffed with photos that I had saved over the past 20+ years and totally forgot about.

To my surprise, in the middle of these photos I stumbled across a set of the first pictures I ever took posed as Jaclyn.  These were close to 15 years ago and were about the time I first honestly tried to pull things together and before I ever got enough confidence to go outside in public.  

Those images have been stuck in my head most of the start of this week and I have been feeling a lot of emotions positive and negative since finding them.  Looking at these I really feel the transphobia of the first attempting at passing and looking natural.  I feel like a clown with way too much blush and eye shadow and hair/body brings me to many feelings of inadequacy and personal ugliness.

Then there is also some of the feelings deeper than the 2D images that come to me when looking at the photos.  I remember the time that I first tried to coordinate outfits and the lady that was so supportive in helping me explore/discover this in the first place.  I wonder if I came across that person today what I would be telling her.

As I keep processing the images and memories, there is also shame, guilt and confusion that is roiling through me.  Right now I feel like I am wading through a period of absolute confusion, about which way is up or down, about which way I want to go.  Somedays I feel ok and somedays I feel bottoming out and on the verge of just giving up on life and whatever.  I feel that my path is not a linear one, and that I continue to suffer from any internal sense of me.

I would like to accept me except I don't know what the me is that I would be accepting.  I am so sad and frustrated right now that I am so lost, and wish I had someone to tell me what to do.

For now, the only thing I feel capable of doing is to stuff these pictures and memories and feelings away into a box and shove it deep away from thought.    I'm still not better and I know that only I can change things.  I just can't do that even though I want so bad to remove the can't.  

~Stuck in time,


Wednesday, April 24, 2024

Not a good day

Hello blog,

Today is not a good day or a day where I am feeling any sense of hope.  I've felt like for most of today I have been swimming upstream against a relentless current and I have no energy left to fight it anymore.  I don't know if its the shame and anger with gender dysphoria or angst about another damn day without anything better that is doing me in at present.

I feel like years of therapy has only allowed me to recognize when my depression is coming back and I don't have any tools that work to stop it.  I hate my life so much right now.

I recently talked with someone who's advice was to think of a happy moment and then try to run towards that again.  Rightly or wrongly they told me that I need not to give up so easily when things get tough, and I need to have commitment and consistency in behaviors to change this.

I feel like an idiot because I can't make sense of what that means.  I know it means to find what makes you happy, then to continue relentlessly doing things to achieve it without being deterred.  What I mean is that I have no sense in what makes me happy or if that is a state I can achieve.

I can't recall a moment of free joy in my life and most things now are tinged with shame and regret.  It is getting to the point of hopelessness again that I have been spending alot of time thinking about suicide and just giving up.  I wrote a new batch of good-bye letters today and will probably rip them up tomorrow.

Today feels like a boulder fell out of the sky on top of me and I can't get up.  Today is not a good day.

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

Getting past my personal transphobia

I feel like I am in the middle of a self-reflecting phase so I have lots of thoughts recently that may come out on the page like verbal diarrhea. So I apologize if this doesn't make much sense beyond inside my head here.

I've been thinking about my trans questioning and my personal history of questioning.  Or more specifically, my personal trauma with trans questioning.

I'm ashamed but more many years and still today I have what others have labeled transphobia for these thoughts.  Meaning that I am scared to admit that I may be trans and then hate and shame fill me because of this.  Most days when thinking of all of this I go back to the time when I tried to admit this to my life partner only to be told I was wrong in these thoughts, I was being filled with suggestions from my therapists and online sources, and how quickly they, my daughter, my family, work and everyone would leave me if I just didn't forget about this and move on.  Since that was almost 11 years ago and I am still writing, I have not been able to forget about this and feel like moving on has been a struggle up and down ever since. 

As much as I would like to say that I have grow wiser and/or made peace, I feel like I am still stuck in the trauma.  I feel like I am still stuck in the transphobia and hate for myself for being me. 

I continue to live a life in hiding, braving enough in safe virtual spaces or rare ventures out in stealth away from those who know my presenting self.  I can't move past this trauma or self shame and have resorted to physical harm rather than any additional emotional stress.   

I feel alone, scared, pathetic, little and don't know what to do or where to go from here.

In short, at this point in my life I feel defeated and all I have left is personal shame and transphobia. I don't want to live like this but also paralyzed to change. I can analyze this, write about it or even talk about it in a safe environment with a therapist but for 99.9% of my life I can't address it, won't address it and probably will be like this forever.

I am feeling so sad and lost today and wish I could just have a hug.