Messed up

 Hello blog,

Today I admit I am struggling and feeling untethered.  In the last few weeks, my journey has been going up and down with me feeling tired and unable to concentrate or do much of anything.  Probably this is pretty apparent with my lack of creating readable sentences here.

I recently decided that I needed a new look and went and got a wig consultation and ordered a new look.  It feels really vulnerable as the wig I chose was brighter shade and fuller look than before but I feel it does make my eyes look better and make my face look a little less round. I was going to post a few pictures of this but feel unable right now.

After this, my therapist and I had a large blow up and this caused me to cut off that relationship. That was really the only person I was able to feel trusting with right now even  though I didn't trust her at times.  Regardless, this left me feeling alone once again and a failure and a total mess-up.

I thought about cutting and perhaps short-sleeve weather and guilt prevented that one.  My birthday came and went and thankfully I was able to avoid most people as I did not feel like celebrating anything.

I feel like an ultimate fuck-up, and I do feel like all I do is to fail and disappoint people with myself being the main disappointment.  I'm crying and trapped in an endless cycle of shame.

I hate myself so much..

evolution - a poem

Chemical electrical pulses transform our biology

Seemingly infinite infinitesimal shifts occur continuously,

Without being marked by our conscious

Until one day we pause and self-analyze

On the evolution that we have become,

And wonder of the meaning behind all this change

And the direction behind all this change.

How does this make me feel?

Why do I minimize this so much?

What do I fear about where I go?

I despair that I am at a crossroad,

In which every path I chose loops me back to this same intersection.

While my muscles freeze in place

My mind races down every road my vision can see,

Retuning in disgust upon reaching the horizon without resolve,

And unable to traverse the minute distance within

To force the body to move in sync with the soul.

I pray for the force of evolution to someday change this outcome,

Instead of despair that never seems to change,

Still frozen at the crossroad.

Searching for love & acceptance

**warning note - In this post I reflect back on my suicidal ideals and attempts and would advise avoiding if these words are triggering to you.

Dear blog,

My trapped thoughts have been leading to recently write and think about my path forward which has led to my default emotion of fear.  Today, I am going to try to set that fear aside at least for a little while and reflect on my current state.

I have tried so hard to learn all the terms and constantly shifting definitions on what it means to be transgender, and honestly I throw up a white flag and give up trying to put myself in a box. I also have a persistent habit of putting myself down and low self-esteem and I am going to try my best today to take the opposite perspective and be loving towards myself.

I guess what I am searching for is what everyone is looking for - love and acceptance of themselves and connection with others. 

Loving and accepting myself has been and still is a hard struggle for me. I have never liked the physicality of my body and feel uncomfortable around my looks and features. I was also raised male in an environment with strict predefined gender roles which only served to accumulate a mountain of guilt for the feelings I hid inside of me.  

I eventually went on that discovery on what it would be like to release my feminine expression and found those feelings overwhelming as for the first time I could smile at myself and feel beautiful.  Not just on the outward expression, but inside my mind I found peace and happiness which I never had known.

I probably rushed my wanting to share this new discovered essence of me with my partner and wanted them to love me and unconditionally accept and embrace this hidden inside of me. I did not consider their point of view, our situation and the loss associated with leaving my male side behind even if was for brief moments in the world. Instead of acceptance, I found fear that I spread to my partner about how this would affect our family which lead to guilt and shame on my part and feelings of selfishness. 

I began a very deep downward spiral from that point, questioning myself daily and feeling daggers of shame whenever I thought about my female side. My body dysmorphia spiked to all-time highs and cutting and bruising my body was commonplace and brought little relief.

Really dark feelings from the shame of my childhood returned during these times, and I started trying to find the ultimate exit from this noise. Too many times to recount, I found myself with an entire bottle of pills in my hand, looking down from high locations and imagining taking a header, or just staring into oncoming traffic and imagining the release of my body being crumpled by a passing car.

I am ashamed of these thoughts and actions and how it impacted my family, especially when it required involuntary monitoring and follow-up care. Again, a new level of shame and guilt felt like it was deposited on myself.

Time has passed and other events have happened, but I still feel that yearning inside to express my female side.  I do not know how deep this will lead me if I do accept it, but I do know that after the brief intermissions I allow myself, the hardest time for me is to hide everything away and put my feelings back into a tidy compartment.

My partner and I have started discussions on how we have acted in the past and regrets and things we wish we could go back and change. She is my life partner and the only person I want to share this world with, yet I know that revealing things may cause a rift between us that we cannot bridge.

This is why I have been writing so much lately about my fallback emotion of fear.  I know that I am a scared individual of what everything means and scared when I think of the future and all the possible consequences of being vulnerable and truthful.  I am trying ever so slowly to navigate these waters and need to give myself grace when I stumble in my attempts here. 

I am writing this entry today trying to find the clarity of what I am really looking for and cannot honestly state that I have found it yet. I feel like I have been searching for some ideal fantasy solutions and need to let go of these thoughts and let things naturally occur and accept them.

I feel like I am searching for the strength to accept love and understanding of who I am with my life partner and at the same time the strength to accept and love and be true to myself.

Every day is a struggle.