Asking for permission

 Hello blog,

While I have not been very prolific in terms of my writing recently, I have still been doing alot of self-reflection and self-discovery work here. This type of work is exhausting and sometimes it leads me into confusion or overwhelming shame or a combination of these and other things.

Lately, I have been trying to work with my SO in terms of expressing and sharing my female identity within.  This process has been painfully slow work as each little piece I feel that I reveal to them brings back waves of PTSD and makes me want to retreat into hiding and safety.

This week I have really been questioning this entire process.  Not the sharing part which I still believe is essential for a lifetime relationship.  I also understand that while I live and have lived with these thoughts like constantly for what seems forever, each little vulnerability that I share is new and needs time for my SO to absorb and process.  I get all of this.

The nagging thought in my head this week about the process is that it sort of feels like I am asking for permission to be allowed to do something.  I feel like I am constantly checking in with my partner if this or that is OK or not OK.  I hear their response about my safety and their wanting to be comfortable with these choices, but this echoes to me more like trying to find the line where they would not be ashamed of me expressing myself. 

I know this may be a dangerous statement and possible one with explosive consequences, but why should I need their permission to express how I feel?  If they want wear something that is traditionally for another gender or modify their body different from societal norms, I really would not care.  In fact, my partner does not follow alot of traditional expression roles for their gender and this does not have any impact on the amount on the amount of love I feel towards them.  I would not feel defensive of my own sexuality if they expressed the same gender as me, and feel so lost on why this seems to be a big deal to them.

I guess I am struggling with empathy and seeing things from my SO's point of view.  I sometimes feel the damn the consequences attitude and would love to skip this asking of permission state. In real life however, that is not in my makeup to do.  I know that I am a people pleaser and would never want to lose my soul mate over something silly as wanting to shave my legs or wear a dress and going out.  While writing it out seems ridiculous, I know internally that these thoughts will always just be thoughts inside me.

But that is where I feel so torn and fighting myself these days about.  

This weekend we have another session together to talk about things with a therapist and to discuss the next little thing I can share.  While I may wish to just rip the bandi-aid off and talk about so much, I know I will retreat into going back into the slow lane again.   I am so confused if this means that I really am not very committed to this part of myself or what it all means.

Still lost and struggling here.

  

Fall season

Good morning blog,

Today is officially the last day of summer as our rotating planet reaches the fall equinox in its annual journey sometime tomorrow.   With the cooler temperatures, this also marks the season of pumpkin spice, crisp evenings and more importantly changing of wardrobes into light sweaters, longer pants and many more variations of style.

I have traditionally looked forward to this being my favorite time of the year, especially the early fall when it is still warm enough to avoid jackets yet cool enough to try longer fashions out.

Right now though I am struggling and feeling maybe seasonally depressed or something.  I am not sure of the exact reasons but inside of me I have been feeling very blue and low.  I have the opportunity this coming weekend to have some precious Jaclyn time and I am struggling to feel excited and wondering if it would be worth the trouble of getting dressed.  I haven't gone shopping in ages and feel my wardrobe is so outdated and just went and purged a good portion of things that I haven't worn in a long time a few weeks ago.

I feel struggling and I feel alone - not by society but by self-choice - and I am hoping that taking some time here writing to help me sort some things out.  I keep trying the talk therapy and leave most times feeling like I am a freak and can't seem to rationalize things.  I love the trans community and feel so proud of my brothers and sisters who are so brave and self-affirming, but when it comes to myself I feel ashamed.  I hate my body image, I hate so much about my existence but cannot muster up enough strength to actually do anything.

I feel pathetic, whiny, small and worthless right now.

So, here’s the thing.  I know that nothing is ever going to change and this malaise is going to just continue unless I do something.  I want to make a change.  That is really the reason that I am typing out this blog and thinking and dreaming about it in my head.  I want to experience the world as Jaclyn and feel that crisp fall breeze through my hair (albeit not my real hair) and feel that happiness inside again that I have had brief glimpses of before.  I want to avoid that terrible post-dressing feeling of shame and guilt when I have to bury and hide my persona away.  I want to share with others, to be vulnerable together to hug and support and know that I am accepted.

I know all these steps, I just cannot overcome that stupid blaring alarm in my head that goes off when I want to act on this and so I sit here frozen, alone, sad.

I’m tired of waiting for that fairy godmother to bring me a Cinderella moment and know its all up to me to do that.  I just feel sad and only see pumpkins.

A new look

Hello blog,

Today I am going to try to maintain some positivity that will be a departure from many of my past entries here.

While I have not been out as much as I would like and not feeling up to writing much, I feel that desire to express my female persona is starting to reach that all-consuming stage here.  I recently decided to finally invest in a new wig (see below for image) and update some of my cosmetics.  I have been watching YouTube makeup tutorials and listening to trans podcasts again.   I got a couple of chances and went out a couple of times (last week to a fun drag bar) enfemme and have been working really hard on instead of being sad and troubled having to pack up my outfits to take the time and say good-bye until next time to my femme self at the end of the nights.

Really what has been on top of my mind lately is how I still live in a closet (mostly) albeit a larger one than before.  It's true that I have come out to my partner and a very small number of people, but I don't feel like I can consider myself being out at all.  It has been over 13 years since telling my partner and our “don't talk about it” policy I am thinking is not really a good thing. Instead of freeing me from shame, it just seems like this strategy is way to hide me away in a closet. I could be interpreting statements like I should be inside to be safe and avoid conflicts as code that if the neighbors or others find out about the true me it will reflect badly on us and cause lots of problems.

For now, I am not sure where this next wave will take us but I have pushed for us to restart counseling again. This will involve me being brave enough to be vulnerable and honest about my feelings, and then actually advocate for myself. That is a very scary thing for me to think about and I need to help to take this advice.  I wish I had some real world support person (a cis hetero normal female friend would be so amazing!) because I feel I can write and talk about things but then get stuck irl.   

For today, I am just going to enjoy my new look and try to keep looking forward to future possibilities.

Hugs,

Jaclyn