Fall season

Good morning blog,

Today is officially the last day of summer as our rotating planet reaches the fall equinox in its annual journey sometime tomorrow.   With the cooler temperatures, this also marks the season of pumpkin spice, crisp evenings and more importantly changing of wardrobes into light sweaters, longer pants and many more variations of style.

I have traditionally looked forward to this being my favorite time of the year, especially the early fall when it is still warm enough to avoid jackets yet cool enough to try longer fashions out.

Right now though I am struggling and feeling maybe seasonally depressed or something.  I am not sure of the exact reasons but inside of me I have been feeling very blue and low.  I have the opportunity this coming weekend to have some precious Jaclyn time and I am struggling to feel excited and wondering if it would be worth the trouble of getting dressed.  I haven't gone shopping in ages and feel my wardrobe is so outdated and just went and purged a good portion of things that I haven't worn in a long time a few weeks ago.

I feel struggling and I feel alone - not by society but by self-choice - and I am hoping that taking some time here writing to help me sort some things out.  I keep trying the talk therapy and leave most times feeling like I am a freak and can't seem to rationalize things.  I love the trans community and feel so proud of my brothers and sisters who are so brave and self-affirming, but when it comes to myself I feel ashamed.  I hate my body image, I hate so much about my existence but cannot muster up enough strength to actually do anything.

I feel pathetic, whiny, small and worthless right now.

So, here’s the thing.  I know that nothing is ever going to change and this malaise is going to just continue unless I do something.  I want to make a change.  That is really the reason that I am typing out this blog and thinking and dreaming about it in my head.  I want to experience the world as Jaclyn and feel that crisp fall breeze through my hair (albeit not my real hair) and feel that happiness inside again that I have had brief glimpses of before.  I want to avoid that terrible post-dressing feeling of shame and guilt when I have to bury and hide my persona away.  I want to share with others, to be vulnerable together to hug and support and know that I am accepted.

I know all these steps, I just cannot overcome that stupid blaring alarm in my head that goes off when I want to act on this and so I sit here frozen, alone, sad.

I’m tired of waiting for that fairy godmother to bring me a Cinderella moment and know its all up to me to do that.  I just feel sad and only see pumpkins.

A new look

Hello blog,

Today I am going to try to maintain some positivity that will be a departure from many of my past entries here.

While I have not been out as much as I would like and not feeling up to writing much, I feel that desire to express my female persona is starting to reach that all-consuming stage here.  I recently decided to finally invest in a new wig (see below for image) and update some of my cosmetics.  I have been watching YouTube makeup tutorials and listening to trans podcasts again.   I got a couple of chances and went out a couple of times (last week to a fun drag bar) enfemme and have been working really hard on instead of being sad and troubled having to pack up my outfits to take the time and say good-bye until next time to my femme self at the end of the nights.

Really what has been on top of my mind lately is how I still live in a closet (mostly) albeit a larger one than before.  It's true that I have come out to my partner and a very small number of people, but I don't feel like I can consider myself being out at all.  It has been over 13 years since telling my partner and our “don't talk about it” policy I am thinking is not really a good thing. Instead of freeing me from shame, it just seems like this strategy is way to hide me away in a closet. I could be interpreting statements like I should be inside to be safe and avoid conflicts as code that if the neighbors or others find out about the true me it will reflect badly on us and cause lots of problems.

For now, I am not sure where this next wave will take us but I have pushed for us to restart counseling again. This will involve me being brave enough to be vulnerable and honest about my feelings, and then actually advocate for myself. That is a very scary thing for me to think about and I need to help to take this advice.  I wish I had some real world support person (a cis hetero normal female friend would be so amazing!) because I feel I can write and talk about things but then get stuck irl.   

For today, I am just going to enjoy my new look and try to keep looking forward to future possibilities.

Hugs,

Jaclyn

Messed up

 Hello blog,

Today I admit I am struggling and feeling untethered.  In the last few weeks, my journey has been going up and down with me feeling tired and unable to concentrate or do much of anything.  Probably this is pretty apparent with my lack of creating readable sentences here.

I recently decided that I needed a new look and went and got a wig consultation and ordered a new look.  It feels really vulnerable as the wig I chose was brighter shade and fuller look than before but I feel it does make my eyes look better and make my face look a little less round. I was going to post a few pictures of this but feel unable right now.

After this, my therapist and I had a large blow up and this caused me to cut off that relationship. That was really the only person I was able to feel trusting with right now even  though I didn't trust her at times.  Regardless, this left me feeling alone once again and a failure and a total mess-up.

I thought about cutting and perhaps short-sleeve weather and guilt prevented that one.  My birthday came and went and thankfully I was able to avoid most people as I did not feel like celebrating anything.

I feel like an ultimate fuck-up, and I do feel like all I do is to fail and disappoint people with myself being the main disappointment.  I'm crying and trapped in an endless cycle of shame.

I hate myself so much..