My time

 

There's a moment of time right now that is gone before it is known,

There's a moment in this life when choices are made with answers unknown,

There's a moment in this world when it is spinning too fast for you to hold on,

I am just giving up and stop trying to belong.

My life is filled with hidden emptiness and despair from all others,

I cannot be feel love as every time it is too much the cost,

I cannot be vulnerable as every time I have I have just lost,

And I cannot hope anymore for a different tomorrow.

I am sad, I am alone, 

I am in this world that doesn't want me

And values me more not being here anymore.

I see rain and I'm glad the sun is gone,

I see pain and I'm comforted by its familiarity,

I see tears and I'm confused why I have none.

There's a moment when the hiding needs to end,

There's a moment when pretending is not your friend,

There's a moment when the value of your life is worth less than the pain of its loss,

That moment is every time for me.

Will I ever go out again

Good morning blog,

Recently I received a quick hello from a girlfriend that lives close by wanting to get together and catch up. Nothing special, just a chance to go out and have coffee and chat in a public space as Jaclyn with her.

The problem with that is requiring me to dress and go out again.  

I feel like I have slid all the way backwards to the point when being seen in public is scary and unfathomable once again.  I remember so many failed attempts to get to the front door and turn around and now I don't even feel able to get that far.

I can't explain it, its not like I'm hiding from my family as I was before when I stayed hidden away.  I just feel like I no longer fit in or that I no longer can manage to have the strength to go through the process.

What I really think the issue is that I can't deal with the afterwards again.   I feel like I am skipping any happiness or breath of fresh air I would have gotten by going out and going straight to the shame and self-disgust of myself that comes when I take off the makeup and clothes.

This hopeless feeling is soul crushing and I just feel dread getting up and moving through each day again as me. I feel so sad and like crying. There's nowhere to go

happy birthday to me

 Hello blog,

Just feeling a little reflective as another birthday is coming up this week here.  Another trip in orbit around around our nearest star and not much to report on for me.

I was hoping a few weeks ago to start spending some honest time with myself trying to figure out who I am or better yet what I want to be.  I feel a little defeated as even though I have written and thought about things I feel I am still no closer to any clarity.  In fact, I feel like I continue to take one or two steps back and feel so disappointed in myself.

I wish I could just get up in the morning and look forward to something rather than the usually drudgery and hate to face another day.  I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about my depression anymore and don't feel I can mentally change from this.  Perhaps this is the state I feel most comfortable, it just makes me cry when I think about it.

Anyways, another day marches on and time to put one foot in front of the other and try to fake it again. I hate that saying fake it until you make it since I don't know where that is or don't think anything will ever change.

~Jaclyn