Thursday, June 14, 2018

Next steps

Hello blog -
Yesterday marked an anniversary of sorts for me as it was 5 years ago to the day that I officially came out as Jaclyn to my wife and started to accept being transgender.

These 5 years have had highs and lows and I would be lying if I understood the progress or lack thereof I may have had.  It still all is very confusing to me and I wonder where my next steps will lead me.These are the thoughts that have been keeping me awake over the past several nights pondering.

I don't know how to really express the feeling but I feel like I need to do something and take action and that is disconcerting at best.  I don't like that feeling but I also don't like the feeling like I am being stuck as well.  It may be time to fully commit to transitioning to Jaclyn, but the prospect of losing all that I have is daunting.

Besides that concern, I feel lost in what comes next.  I wish there was a transition recipe that I could follow that would guide me through each of these steps because I am so lost here.  There are so many worries (big & small) about how I present, how I interact, how I live as a full-time woman that I have no clue about. I wish I had a big sister to lean on here but I think waiting for that to appear would be like waiting forever. 

There is just so much that I don't know but I feel like slipping further to insanity if I keep going over and over in my head with all the what ifs and not taking at least an honest attempt ahead.

I need some strength and courage and appreciate having this outlet to lay out my thoughts no matter how rambling and incoherent they may be.  I need some help to carry on.  I pray I will find it.


Friday, May 25, 2018

coming out thoughts

Hello blog,

Winding down to the end of a busy week and getting ready for another holiday weekend here. There have been alot of thoughts running through my wee brain lately and I will try to use this as an outlet here.

Starting with I finally attended my first support group this past week.  It was a nice change from the usual solitary therapy to talk with other trans individuals, and I will say it felt nice to somewhat fit into a group for a change.   I spent most of that time being quiet and listening as my anxiety was at its peak, and have been reflecting on these topics for the past few days.  The one that seems to stick out the most was around 'coming out' and what that really means.

For me personally, I do not consider myself as fully out - that is there are a small handful of people that know me in both genders but majority of those that matter to me in this world do not yet.  I've had alot of this discussion with my wife to try and gauge what that means and to me that I am not out means that I haven't fully accepted myself here.  I mean I know that I am trans, I imagine a life that I could live as Jaclyn but I still have fears of acceptance with work, with friends, with other family members.  I guess I am not sure that I can pull a life of as Jaclyn, so instead I choose right now a non-authentic one but one that would have far less scrutiny from others.  The biggest one that I worry about is what living authentic would do for my immediate family.

My wife has already told me that she would leave so that would mean a complete different relationship with my daughter.   I cannot imagine not being around for her to grow up and not living with her would tear a big hole inside of me.  So I feel at a loss here, try to stall and forget the feelings inside of moving closer to being authentic or be true and search for my own life and hurt from not being with my family.

I feel that I have reached a point where I have to make a decision here on coming out, trying to push forward to be authentic and not really sure what that means.  Its not like there is a guidebook or others close to me to support that decision or tell me what to expect and do.  It feels like the world is starting to spin out of control and I have a loose grip on the wheel.


Tuesday, May 8, 2018

the wall

Hello blog,

Today is a rough day as I am facing down alot of self-doubts and fears today.  I have been wondering and self-questioning my transition, trying to understand if I am headed in the right direction and if I will ever get things to a point where I'll feel comfortable as passable.

If feels as if I have reached a wall here.

I have been thinking of the tv series American Ninja warrior and their iconic wall that competitors have to face and run up it to overcome the last obstacle in one of their courses.  I feel as if I am facing that wall right now and running up and sliding down it.

The last time I got to this place, I backed away and went down a destructive path.  I don't want to do that again this time.

I am hoping that I get over this wall, to date this feels like a big obstacle and perhaps I need a hand from above to hoist me over. Here I go running at it again, wish me luck ....

Hugs, Jaclyn

Friday, May 4, 2018

checking in

Good morning blog,

Next week marks month 2 on my hrt restart and things seem to start to be happening much faster this time.  I had a checkup with the clinic this week and my levels look good - where we want them for T and my E coming close to 100.  The only adjustment will be to boost my daily estrogen supplement by 2 mg and I have started that already.  Otherwise, medically things are proceeding rather well.

On the emotional side, the amazing speed of the changes makes me feel the reckoning point is fast approaching if not past.

I'm not a big fan of roller coasters since I am not a risk taker, but when I was much younger I remember riding some of those old-fashioned wooden rickety ones.  As you went up the first hill, the clink-clink-clink of the chain would always raise the anxiety level of the big dips and hills ahead.  I sort of today feel like I am on that roller coaster car with the clinking in my ears and hoping that my seatbelt is fastened tight enough for the big hill I am ascending.  I had a long discussion about hormones with my wife last night and discussions of the future lie ahead for this weekend I'm sure.

I hope that I am ready for this fast ride.  It is going to be scary, exhilarating and full of ups and downs ahead.  I don't like roller coasters much, so I hope I can handle this ride.


Thursday, April 19, 2018

Hiding in plain sight

Hello blog,

Today I feel invisible or at least seem that way somedays when I think of myself as Jaclyn.  I often wonder each day what my day would really be like if I actually had the courage to live as Jaclyn.  I know that instead of the safe and comfy days I have now, things would be so much harder, maybe lonelier and perhaps even a bit sadder at times.  But I still wish each day for this and as I start my journey find myself more and more imagining that I am getting closer to that.  I believe that others have this feeling as well in the community, but until I can fully commit to this I feel like a prisioner of sorts.  At least that is what I am thinking of when I wrote this poem today:

Hiding in plain sight
Always hiding here in plain sight,
Making sure no one else can see,
Maintaining a safety net that I loathe,
A security cushion surrounding me.
Can't give up this charade, have to play the part,
For this hand I'm dealt,
Although each day hurts more and more inside,
I'm incapable to move apart.
I strive each day for some normalcy,
And find no place left to hide,
Know that freedom is found within few words,
While my prison I lock myself inside.
It's been safer in there than to be out,
Or taking chances as the true me,
How long I can remain I don't know the answer,
And yearn so bad to be free.
Today I don't have strength yet to take this step,
Today I don't have courage yet so I will fake,
Today I will continue to hide in plain sight,
Until at last I take a stand and fight,
And let the true me be finally free.

I continue to pass others and wonder if they have any idea what goes on in my head.  I am sure they don't and wonder their reaction if I did fully come out.  I am hoping for that day someday, but for today I will have to continue in my little own world locked inside here.


Wednesday, April 11, 2018

my mantra

Good morning blog,

Tomorrow marks the 1 month anniversary of my hrt restart and to celebrate I got my first blood test results.  I will be reviewing them with the doctor in a few days, but from my research it looks like my testosterone is really low and my estrogen a bit low but still in the ideal range for a cis female.  So if I had to interpret these results, I would say I am already closer to female than male in my levels.  That makes me happy.

Lately, I have been reflecting much and surprised at how fast I feel being drawn more and more to continue to transition.  My mirror phobia has dissipated somewhat I see more of the female side of me when I look into it.  I know these are all mind games but they are the little things that make me happy each day here.  I feel the storm clouds rising as there are some big discussions and decisions to be had soon with my spouse and that still brings me down.  But I have created a simple mantra for myself that I am going to try and start each day and look at when I feel down and at a loss.  I know all long journeys require an enormous amount of little steps, and it is these little steps I am going to try to concentrate on for now.

My matra ~

I am trans.
It is not what defines me but part of what makes me unique.
Today I will have the courage to take one step forward,
and to not let it defeat me if I end up where I began.
I am worthy of love and can be the person I want to be,
no matter of my fears, my struggles and the pain it brings.
My heart is precious just like everyone else's in the world.
And I choose to accept myself and to be the best I can be.

Hope that you have the best of day that you can for you.  Hugs,  Jaclyn

Friday, April 6, 2018

one month reflections

Good afternoon blog,

It's coming up to a month soon since I restarted HRT and wanted to capture some of the thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing since then.

Physically, I don't have much to report except that I feel my skin has gotten a little softer and some extra sensitivity around my breast region.  My facial features seem a little more feminine but I am wondering if that is the mirror and my brain fooling me into thinking.

The bigger changes has been around the mental state of things.  I started out the first few weeks going up and down a few times and lately have seem to stabilize.  Anxiety and worry for the future seems to come up but I have been trying not too look too far ahead or fret too much.  I look forward to each day more now, and that rush of having the estrogen pill dissolving under my tongue feels like a warm hug enveloping me.  In a way it just feels right thinking that my body is now functioning with the right hormones inside and I struggle how to express this feeling.  One thought I keep having is that I have passed the point of no return now, I feel more that I have truly accepted that not only am I transgender but that I need to transition to a full-time woman someday.  Actually I don't feel like I need to transition more than I feel that I already am a woman inside, and just working on the outside appearances now to play that part.

But those outside appearances seem like a daunting task.  I have talked with my wife about going to a support group and exploring my gender identity further, but have struggled with telling her how I feel transitioning is right for me.  I know I have to do that, but how do I express that to her without ruining her world.  I need to think of my own, and trying to straddle the line in-between is getting more difficult each day.  I'm going to try a support group but have to wait two more weeks for that and that amount of time seems a long way away.

Well, that is how I feel today and will try and check back in here more often.  I feel like there are alot of changes coming in the next few months and I am excitedly scared for these. 


Tuesday, March 20, 2018

spring wishes

Good morning blog,

Today is the first day of spring and good day to reflect on things that are new.  I am feeling a bit more positive today and hoping that this trend can continue here.

Its been a week since starting on HRT take 2 and so far so good.  Emotionally I feel a little lift each day as the pills dissolve under my tongue and physically I feel some slight changes already which took longer to occur last time.  My touch and skin feels a bit more dry and softer, and I have noticed some faint pains in my chest especially if I try to sleep on my tummy.  I feel my moods be a little lighter although I did find myself shedding a few tears around throwing away some old pants.

I think the biggest thing that I have tried to take the past week to do is to live in the moment rather than worry about whats ahead.  That is tough for me as I have so many thoughts and worries about how to walk, talk and present myself as Jaclyn.  I have no clue how I can ever pull that off.  But today I keep telling myself that I don't need to know that all, just to take a little tiny step and try and believe in the end things will all work out.  Easier said than done, but as a quite I once heard - "The past is history, the future is mystery and today is a gift that's why the call it the present."

I am going to try and enjoy the rebirth of spring today and be happy with who I am. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Start of my journey

Good morning blog,

Today marks a new start for me or at least a new restart here. 

You know I have been struggling and fighting and resisting and crying and just about going out of my wits dealing with my gender identity issues for almost 40 years here.  I have gotten to the point where I feel hopeless and then a new sunrise appears.  I have felt alone and frightened, then I find friendship and warmth.  I have decided that instead of fighting, I am accepting.

You know the saying that a journey of thousands of miles starts with a small step, well I have decided to start HRT again.  Of course I don't have any answers and have no clue where my journey leads, and it seems like I am literally going to have to walk to Tibet to get answers or change there.

But this feels right.  The warm familiar embrace of the first estrogen pill dissolving felt like a homecoming to me. I really want to transition, need to transition or I don't know what else.  I know that I need alot of help here and will try to take each day one at a time but can't help but look ahead down the road and dream.

I dream of day of being free to be me.  I so want that day to come.


Thursday, March 1, 2018

a new start?

Starting over...again.
Or at least I hope that it is not completely from the beginning. 
IMO, I think anyone that battles lifelong with their gender identity and norms of society probably has multiple starts and stops along the way.  At least I hope that I am more 'normal' in one respect this way.
Jaclyn has this voice deep inside me that seems to grow stronger and stronger at times.  I can feel these times are overtaking me once again and holding out is beyond my control.
I took a brave step today and made a new appointment to discuss hrt and how to transition at the clinic.  That will be in less than 2 weeks.
I am so excited, scared, nervous and excited about things.
I am looking for the start of something good and making me whole.
Not sure what that all is - freedom, angst, peace, love, confusion.
I am going to ask for so much hope, and pray that taking this small step today will lead me to other larger ones.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

New eyes

Good morning blog,

It has been a few days since my last posting here as I have been trying not to spend too much time online.  The reason being is that I finally got up the guts to go through with laser eye correction and have tried not to stare at a screen too much.

It is now almost two weeks since and it still feels wonderful to not need those pesky spectacles every second of the day.  A day after the procedure I spent some time trying on outfits and looking at myself in a full length mirror without glasses and seeing myself not blurry.  That was a very liberating and happy moment and I can't wait for the next opportunity to go out.

For my next outing, I have a few ideas and have been discussing taking steps to someday transition with my counselor again.  Its hard living when your mind and heart disagree and I still feel the pull each day to live authentically and damn the personal costs that would incur.  I'm hoping that my new eyes will help me see straight enough to make the right decision soon.