Friday, December 15, 2017

Winter reflections

Hello blog,

As the last few weeks of 2017 wind down here, I have been doing some reflection recently.   While I did manage to take some positive steps during 2017, I am going to think of this past year as a lot of what ifs and difficult times.   While it has not been fun, I think I may have learned a little more about myself this year and hope that will pay off in 2018 and beyond.

I started off the year feeling fairly positive and good with a few months of HRT seeming to put my mind at ease.  However while I felt a kind of internal peace, I also started feeling myself withdraw as I anticipated coming to a critical decision point where it was time to really move forward.  I wish I could be writing here today that I did something with courage and could hold my head up proud about, but honestly I did nothing like that.  Instead, I freaked out and chose the path of self-destruction.  In the very long and cold early hours of a March night, I felt like I could go no further in this world and started to take steps to end everything.

That was an awful night and the month and half intervention left some lasting scars on me.  I still haven't fully recovered yet and often I still think I am going back to that place.  I have multiple people classifying and telling me to ignore these distorted thoughts that go on, but I honestly feel like a failure in this world at times.

Slowly this past month I have started to make some plans and feel like I am getting drawn back into the world of Jaclyn even though I am not able to give up my current one.   It still goes against most logical thoughts and I feel so lonely and lost here.

What will 2018 bring me? I wish I had hat crystal ball or at least some idea here.  I guess that's why I am still here to find out for.

Happy holidays and wishes for a merry new year.