Wednesday, May 13, 2015


Hello blog,

Yes I am still here despite some of my dire posts recently which I am ashamed about.  I still feel somedays really in that dark place and not able to go on much further, but also feel rather silly and foolish for several of my posts.

Anyways, I met with my counselor yesterday and a word that she kept repeating seemed to stick in my warped wee little brain - authenticate.  What does that really mean and I am totally lost on what the authentic me really is.  I don't think I am alone in that struggle but it is a scary and confusing thing to try and figure out for oneself and even more to accept it.

So that has been what I was thinking of staring at the ceiling last night because I can't honestly remember when last I was able just to go to sleep or have normal thoughts like everyone else.  So I wrote this poem about it, and wanted to put it down before I lost my thoughts.

Spend each day pretending to be,
Some acceptable form for people to see,
To much cowardice to accept the real me,
Is it time to authenticate?

Wake each day feeling so hopeless,
Running from mirrors, hiding to dress,
No matter how good, always under duress,
Is it time to authenticate?

Each time I've tried I've only end up scared,
Of things I know not who, when or where,
The truth I hide and never do want to share,
Should I finally come clean?

I'm at my end, I have no other escape,
I've tried to bend but no at my break,
Things I pretend I can no longer fake,
I think its time for me to authenticate.

Authenticate.  Authenticate.
To stop pretending to stop being fake.
To stop believing I was born a mistake,
To stop hating myself every move I make,
To stop lying and to accept my eventual fate,
To stop refusing my true self before its too late,
To stop dreaming and time for that first step to take,
I think it is time for me to authenticate. Authenticate.