Not a good day

Hello blog,

Today is not a good day or a day where I am feeling any sense of hope.  I've felt like for most of today I have been swimming upstream against a relentless current and I have no energy left to fight it anymore.  I don't know if its the shame and anger with gender dysphoria or angst about another damn day without anything better that is doing me in at present.

I feel like years of therapy has only allowed me to recognize when my depression is coming back and I don't have any tools that work to stop it.  I hate my life so much right now.

I recently talked with someone who's advice was to think of a happy moment and then try to run towards that again.  Rightly or wrongly they told me that I need not to give up so easily when things get tough, and I need to have commitment and consistency in behaviors to change this.

I feel like an idiot because I can't make sense of what that means.  I know it means to find what makes you happy, then to continue relentlessly doing things to achieve it without being deterred.  What I mean is that I have no sense in what makes me happy or if that is a state I can achieve.

I can't recall a moment of free joy in my life and most things now are tinged with shame and regret.  It is getting to the point of hopelessness again that I have been spending alot of time thinking about suicide and just giving up.  I wrote a new batch of good-bye letters today and will probably rip them up tomorrow.

Today feels like a boulder fell out of the sky on top of me and I can't get up.  Today is not a good day.

Getting past my personal transphobia

I feel like I am in the middle of a self-reflecting phase so I have lots of thoughts recently that may come out on the page like verbal diarrhea. So I apologize if this doesn't make much sense beyond inside my head here.

I've been thinking about my trans questioning and my personal history of questioning.  Or more specifically, my personal trauma with trans questioning.

I'm ashamed but more many years and still today I have what others have labeled transphobia for these thoughts.  Meaning that I am scared to admit that I may be trans and then hate and shame fill me because of this.  Most days when thinking of all of this I go back to the time when I tried to admit this to my life partner only to be told I was wrong in these thoughts, I was being filled with suggestions from my therapists and online sources, and how quickly they, my daughter, my family, work and everyone would leave me if I just didn't forget about this and move on.  Since that was almost 11 years ago and I am still writing, I have not been able to forget about this and feel like moving on has been a struggle up and down ever since. 

As much as I would like to say that I have grow wiser and/or made peace, I feel like I am still stuck in the trauma.  I feel like I am still stuck in the transphobia and hate for myself for being me. 

I continue to live a life in hiding, braving enough in safe virtual spaces or rare ventures out in stealth away from those who know my presenting self.  I can't move past this trauma or self shame and have resorted to physical harm rather than any additional emotional stress.   

I feel alone, scared, pathetic, little and don't know what to do or where to go from here.

In short, at this point in my life I feel defeated and all I have left is personal shame and transphobia. I don't want to live like this but also paralyzed to change. I can analyze this, write about it or even talk about it in a safe environment with a therapist but for 99.9% of my life I can't address it, won't address it and probably will be like this forever.

I am feeling so sad and lost today and wish I could just have a hug.

~Jaclyn

Black hole sun

 Hello blog,

This past week has been eventful and really not sure how I am feeling about things completely right now.

As mentioned in my past reflections on trying to determine my identity, I got a chance a few days to witness the total solar eclipse as that experience had been something I had always wanted to do.  Sometimes when do something you always wanted happens it is sort of anti-climatic, I would say that experiencing the solar eclipse for me was anything but that.

I prepared and researched but the whole experience was so amazing beyond words.  Pictures and videos could not prepare me for the moment when the moon's shadow swept in from the southwest and blackened the sky in the middle of a bright sunny day.  It felt unworldly and emotionally and mixture of feelings wrapped up together.  I cheered, cried, was mesmerized and then despaired for the sun to return in a matter of a few short minutes.   The images and feelings are still burned in my memory and it is hard to not think about that.  Below is my amateur photographic attempt of the void we saw in the sky.

Of course being a depressed and broken person that I am, this got me thinking of the emptiness that I feel inside at times.  I got a reality check the following day when I found that sharing too much with my therapist made her feel unable or unsafe for us to continue together.  Being damaged goods means that less and less people feel able to help out and I don't blame them for that belief.  While I guess it is better sooner than to spend a long time together, it still felt like another failure for me when really I was so hoping that she could help me sort out the questions I described in my last posts.

Truth be told, it just sucks and really no one can help me but me. And I don't have a good track record of that so I'm unknowing what to do at this moment. Like the moon and sun in the eclipse, I feel like my life is lining up to complete darkness here.  I question if that will lift or if I will be stuck in blackness and despair is building internally here.  I may be being a drama queen again, but I can't see any way out and feel that hopelessness and feel like I am drawn towards it like a black hole.  

I have been crying alot here and suicidal thoughts keep coming back to me. I don't know why I am a mistake and often think the world could use me being out of it.   I wish I could be more hopeful but I think that I am not wired for that emotion.  I wish I wasn't such a fuck-up.

What am I (part 4: items 11-14)

 

Hello blog, 

I'm hoping that today's post will wrap up a fairly prolific week in which I have been spending alot of time processing many thoughts and ideas in my self-questioning evaluation.   After today I will be taking a little break to step back and view this picture all together and decide what it is telling me.  

Right now I am so close that all I can see is the blurriness of tiny little color dots instead of a the overall masterpiece that makes up a picture.  

In my past posts I have mused about my how my thoughts & behaviors towards gender questioning, obsessions with appearance and gender expressions, sexual and physical thoughts and actions may reveal some understanding of what I am.  When considering this big question, I also need to examine other mental behaviors that may be a reaction to how I view myself.

In particular, I know that I have a hard time over-thinking about things and also dwelling and feeling regret.  In part this has led to deep depressive states and I do not think I will ever have a period of my life when suicide is not at least a passing thought.  It is just the core makeup of my mental state here and perhaps telling in way like how I spend so much time hating my physical body or obsess over my thoughts and wishes.   I will warn if you are like me, suicide discussion can be triggering and will advise to avoid if that is your case as well.

Understanding myself - thoughts/behaviors/actions

(11.)   Analysis paralysis - hand-wringing and perseverating but not doing anything

If there ever is a major decision in life that I make a sudden, definitive decision then that will be the first and perhaps anyone who knows me will really question my sanity.  Overthinking and perseverating are pretty much the standard that I do for anything.

Case in point, posting number five on questioning how to label myself with more to come.  

I don't know why I get stuck at this point and often wonder if that is because I am not asking the correct questions or that what I think is correct is not the true answer.   I think when I come down to understanding if I am trans or if this is just something I really am not but pretend to want to be, not being able to definitively answer/determine anything feels like a sign to me.  I don't want to make a life changing decision and get buyers remorse right after making this, but not being able to decide either way is even a worse fate.

Is my indecisiveness a telling sign that I am looking for something that really isn't there?  

(12.) Stop / Purging - why do I wan and wax

Besides being stuck in the middle of deciding anything, I also wonder if the fact that my obsessions with gender have waxed/waned in different times in my life.

For a good period of time from my late 20s to mid 30s, most of these thoughts seemed to be absent. If I was really trans, could this be true or is this a sign that I am something else. I mean, if I could really stop at one point, doesn't that mean it is not really my nature.

I have purged my wardrobe along with my thoughts but those periods seem to have shorter rebound timelines.  But I was able to do it at one time so I should not really be trans or wouldn't I not have been able to do it in the first place.  Of course, the opposite is that I end up repurchasing later so is that a sign to the contrary.

I feel so turned around and confused and again that imposter syndrome makes me feel like I shouldn't have this if I was trans.   Or do normal people also experience similar thinking and shame about things then return to them. 

(13.) Depression / denial cycle

After all this perseverating and purging, this always seems to lead me back to depression.  I know the cycle may be I think about a new look, obsess over pictures and search for the ultimate outfit, go out and try it on and come home with it, feel good for a fleeting moment then feel the shame rolling in like the evening fog, finally to hid/deny/purge/hate and feel depressed.

It is a very exhausting cycle that I know when its coming but can't get off of it.   I spend multiple hours of awake most nights and throughout the days with this shame, self-hate and what would be clinical depression.

Anti-depressants and fancy therapy haven't helped as I am always trapped with me.  I can't even dream of life ever getting better and this exercise of trying to define myself has started the cycle spinning again in my broken brain.

If I was trans, wouldn't thinking about these things cure my depression or at least stop the cycle.  Again, I know I have flawed logic but I also don't think I can just ignore the years of depression and low self-worth.

(14.) Suicide

Finally, the last point to consider is my constant thoughts of suicide.  This act is constantly on my mind and each day I deal with idealizations of this constantly.

I have submitted that one day this will be my fate, not a matter of if but rather a matter of when.  I have multiple methods, plans, final notes to leave, etc. and feel that I am prepared for this anytime.  I know I have no value for my life as I don't see much redeeming, but also know that I have some hard-wired safety switch that has been holding me back for the most part so far (besides the two half-assed attempts).    Whatever the reason, I guess I am still here and writing this due to some hope that while I cynically feel is unobtainable I also cling to as a last resort.  

Whatever it means, the only thing in my life that rivals my constant questions about gender is my constant thought of my death.  I cannot explain what I get out of closing my eyes while crossing a busy street or holding a bag over my head or looking at a bottle of pills and imagining what I may do.  I must be broken or sick but I will probably do something to simulate or pretend suicide before the end of the day and still go on to do it again the next one.   

This topic may seem so far off in questioning one's gender or label, but again I am wondering if this a sign that I really am one thing or a fraud and failure or what I am.

Well, that is the end for now of me trying to enumerate the thoughts/behaviors/feelings that make me wonder what my label is and calls for a long pause to reflect.  Clarity like optimism is something I do not possess and this exercise is like stirring up the water in a pond with the mud from the bottom.

I am going to sign off for now, and hope that this weekend leads to clear skies and I can experience the solar eclipse headed nearby.  I will at least return to revisit and talk about how I try to tie all my random thoughts here together soon.

Until then, hugs ~ Jaclyn

What am I (part 3: items 7-10)

Continuing on my prior threads, I going to attempt to be honest about my thoughts towards physical aspects of my gender and sex.  These items are some of the most intimate and most difficult for me to be honest and open about.  This may not make sense and be confusing as I am not sure how or if sex and gender are tied together.  I will caution that while I try to remain fairly PG, some ideas may be adult content in nature here.

Understanding myself - thoughts/behaviors/actions

(7.) Sexuality - exploring and openness

While I know that gender and sex are totally different things, there still is some intertwining between these two at least in my mind.  At least in my case I have had different thoughts since starting to question my gender or at least some sexual repression I have been more open to explore since then.  I'm really not sure but think these things may have a bearing on what I finally classify myself as.

For my sexuality like my gender, I don't think I have a straight hetero-/homo- sexuality camp that I fall into and it has been filled with questions.  I am married and spent most of my presenting life as a vanilla plain straight male in public.  I don't feel that it is a simple to say if my gender is female then I'm a lesbian because in honesty my desires seem to be more around a person or situation than towards a specific gender. 

As Jaclyn, I have gone out and dated several men and like that experience.  I am not sure if it is having the feeling that I am being desired as a woman that I like from this or if it is men I really want.  When not dressed I think about sexual encounters with both sexes and even fantasy what it may be like with a woman as Jaclyn at times. 

I feel like I want to explore more of this and really the biggest thing I like is that expressing myself as Jaclyn seems to open me up to sexual experiences.  I don't know if this attitude here really has anything to do with me understanding my gender but rather more to do with not being so repressive in sex.

(8.) Physical sex - wanting to switch from what I have to what I have not

Besides the confusion of sexual attraction, I also feel conflicted by the physical aspects that I am not sure has anything to do with gender. 

To carry on the body self-hate, my sexual genitalia is really a huge part of disgust with me.  I hate looking at it, feeling it, having it and dreamed of how wonderful having things removed may feel.  When I do engage in sex with my partner, I find myself more often than not wishing that our roles and equipment were reversed and feel shameful for concentrating on that rather than the physical connection.

I have days when the bits and tackle bother me so much I need to tuck and wear a gaff even under boy clothes to imagine it gone.  I have imagined surgery and breast augmentation not only for the appearance but to be able to look at my naked body without any fake pads or anything and see another gender.

I often wonder if other men think of such things or how they feel about their junk.  I hate that machismo locker room talk about how big things are and pretending that your god status is determined by how often and how good you use or at least can brag about using it.

Really for me, sex is a vulnerable thing to be naked and intimate with someone and make them feel good brings me pleasure.  I want to feel open, desired, fantasized about and free from feelings of self-disgust in terms intimacy. 

I don't think this ties to my gender as I think these things are not equipment specific. I dunno.

(8.) Other plastic surgery dreams 

Beside dreaming about surgeries to primary and secondary sexual characteristics, I also spend time researching and looking at pre-/post-surgical treatments for other characteristics.

Facial surgery and reshaping is something even larger in my mind than any boob or custom vagina job. When I think about contouring or filling in other things, I often wonder if this is not about trying to look more female but due to my inability to not feel comfortable in my unaltered state.

I feel like these changes will not really change how I feel but rather make me feel more plastic without addressing the true ugliness underneath.  Nonetheless, I still seem to spend time on social media seeing post FFS pictures and dreaming of that reality.  It makes me feel shallow and shameful and again not sure what this all means.

(9.)  Vocal disgust - why can't I stand my voice?

I have spent many hours studying female mannerisms and how to walk, gesture, etc.  But still there is one thing that bothers me even in dark places where appearances cannot be seen.

This is my voice.  Or in other words, the voice I hear from my mouth back in my ears and makes me cringe. 

I know again there are vocal trainings and surgeries to change this, but the point I am wondering is why I can't just accept and embrace the current one I have. While other aspects of puberty really really sucked (don't get me started on the body hair thing or the body growth shifts), but my voice changing was a horrible period in my life.

I remember being moved down in choir as my voice deepened which was a predecessor of me moving out of choir as I hated the new pitch.  I still to this day hate so much that I can only sing along with male singers on the radio without straining or cracking my voice and find my singing to be so awful.

I know gender has nothing to do about being able to carry a tune, but for me it is another characteristic of my body that I have spent a really long time obsessing about.

 

(10.)  HRT desire - contentment or placebo effect 

I'll admit that there has been around 6 months of my life I tried prescription HRT and I like it.  I don't know why I started spending a long time thinking about this and what I expected, but it seemed to be better medication than any anti-depressant that I have attempted.

There were some physical effects (soreness in the chest, decrease in male activity) but those were not what I liked about it.  What I enjoyed the most was the mental aspect of them.  

Being on HRT seemed to bring on an unexpected mental calmness, it is so hard to explain but it was like the relaxation of slipping into a warm bath tub or having some quite in the eternal buzzing in my mind. I don't remember many wild mood swings but more of a contentment feeling within and continued dependency for them stronger each day.

I have debated what these feelings really are often in my head here and wonder if they were really true or just a placebo effect after researching others that had taken HRT.   I felt severe depression around the time after I forced myself to stop but not sure if the depression or stopping the hormones really came first.

I don't know if this was a physical reaction to my body from a supplement my brain had been craving or if again this was a reaction to my feelings of not being right.  

I think looking back to review this post, I still lack clarity to understand everything together.  In one hand, I feel like I have longing for physical changes, sexual desire and openness associated related to traditional roles of the opposite gender.  On the other, I wonder if all these fantasies, thoughts, actions and behaviors were the result of oppressing or trying to not accepting my natural self and I am using feelings of the opposite gender to support these things.  I wish there was a simple way to determine the truth here and I guess that is why I am going through all of this in the first path anyways. 

I'm coming close to my last few items and will wrap up my initial list problem in my next post.  Then will need more time to try to tie this all together and decide what it means. 

Until then, hugs ~ Jaclyn

What am I (part 2: items 4-6)

 Hello Blog - 

Continuing my previous threads here, I wanted to keep up momentum and try to get as much down in writing before hitting any blocks or depression states. 

One personal lifetime goal that I am coming up is experiencing a total solar eclipse live.  Given that this may be the last total one in the US for a long time, I have been making plans to travel to the path next Monday afternoon to hopefully be part of this event.    As I am crossing my fingers for clear skies to view the upcoming solar eclipse next week, I feel a bit reflective on other lifetime goals and experiences.  

Exploring and trying to understand myself in some ways has been at least another experience that has been exclusive to me as well.   I guess that in some ways is why I feel the need to keep listing and thinking about these things and use this blog to 'get them out' of my wee head here. 

I appreciate anyone that may stumble across these words and understand how perplexing I may seem.  At a minimum, I use this blog for me and can only imagine how this may all read some time down the road.  For today though, I keep crossing my fingers that this process will clear my own personal skies and hope that I can see clearly from it.   

Understanding myself - thoughts/behaviors/actions

(4.) Feelings of my appearance presenting as another gender.

Something that has confused me in my life is my relationship to appearance in either gender.   Growing up as a boy, I was always curious with appearance and clothes that girls got to wear which I was forbidden from.  I tried my mom's clothes and makeup on in secret and hid away my shame for many years when sneaking anything feminine on.  Later on in life, I started in the obsessing/buying/purging cycles of clothes in secret and seriously started with trying on wigs, makeup and other tools to change my look.  Soon trying to match outfits and accessories together with cute shoes would become a hidden passion. 

Probably the point that I most remember most vividly is the first time I let myself free and got a professional makeover and photo shoot (hint - image on the blog page here). When I first stepped in front of a mirror and took my whole appearance in that flooding feeling of joy was so unexpected and overcoming.  I can't really put that feeling into words but the rush of that moment still comes back to me at times here.

Since that point, I have continued to go back and forth with appearance.  I seem to pick something to obsess on for awhile (finding a cute pair of boots, a nice casual jeans/blouse combo, a flirty and fun sun dress, etc.) and then put everything away hidden for awhile.  

I still feel much shame and shallowness that I seem to focus on my appearance as I know there are much more important things than clothes to define a person. I wonder if this is some type of kink or fetish since sometimes I can feel sexy and sometimes I can just feel relaxed in other clothes. Sometimes I want to build up my wardrobe and sometimes I want to throw things out and move on.  I guess I don't know what to make out of this.  

(5.)  Internal image disgust / obsession with hair

As opposite with obsessing over presenting in a different gender is my internal disgust and self-hate I have with my "natural" image. 

I am not sure if I am sick or insecure but I really hate, hate, hate, hate, hate looking at myself and struggle so bad at pretending that I am fine with myself.  I can't look at a mirror, photos of me make cringe inside and really there is not one solitary part of my body that I like.

This may be called body dysmorphia or other fancy terms but it feels like a shameful sickness of mine.  We tell children to love the person inside and not the outside but I fall down with this all the time.  I feel silly, shallow, weak, and/or hypocritical as I go through life pretending that I am happy with myself an how I look doesn't matter.  I've heard fake it until you make it but I have trouble believing that making it is ever possible for me.  Just thinking of my image while writing here makes me feel uncomfortable and wonder why I can't let this just go.

To take this dumpster fire and toss on gallons of gasoline would be for me to express my feelings towards hair.

Male body hair is even more loathsome that the disgust I feel for my body overall.  If you are cis female or have very light/no body hair I cannot explain to you how cat-shit vomit my body feels when I look at the disgusting follicles.  I can get stuck in cycles where I obsess over patches of hair on my chest, my legs, hands, underarms, face, wherever and wish I could get over it.  I've even splurged on rare ocurances on waxing treatments that felt so heavenly blissful when done but then I feel the shame and weakness in needing to have done this later.

The one spot I wish I had more hair is antagonizing the part of me that is lacking which is on top of this chrome dome of stupidity.  I think the one moment that changed me more than anything else was trying on my first female wig.  OMG was that fucking incredible to feel like I had hair. Even though I feel like I have no idea how to style or fashion, just putting on a wig is the one thing that makes me feel like I go from one person to Jaclyn and lifts me up so very much.    I will often just wear my wig with the rest of my male appearance just to get that feeling as it is so transformative.  Likewise, the one moment that feels soul-crushing is the moment that I have to take it off and tuck it back away in hiding.   The pain of putting away seems to hurt more each time that I now feel shy about even getting my wig out because I think of the moment I need to put it away.

I'm not sure what to make with all my body insecurity and hair obsession and what it all means.  I feel like I am insecure or shallow that I can't get past this at times and this is inescapable as each day I have to wake up to my physical form and go on.  

(6.)  Feelings in social settings with other trans people.

Since I decided a dozen years or so ago to start venturing out in the world at times as Jaclyn, I have also had mixed feelings around other trans people.   In my first interactions, it felt really nice and validating to have found some other people that had similar thoughts and feelings.

As I continued to go out sporadically and in hidden as my significant other was opposed to this, some of these feelings have changed.  I guess while I look forward and want to do this, I also feel really insecure and like a fraud around them.  Especially when I hear others who go out or live authentically fulltime, I feel sheepish and shameful that I know I will be going home to hide away for a long time after that night. 

During and post Covid here, I tried a few zoom support groups and still have that imposter feeling around others.  I guess the way I would describe this is that I feel like I don't deserve or have earned the right to be around them.  I know that I am not passable or whatever that means and that just seems to pile on my insecurities.  

I guess I feel if I was really trans then I would not feel so uncomfortable but I also feel so lonely and alone and want to be part of a group.  I don't know if this is a sign of anything or just my issues.

Well, these issues are pretty heavy and weighing on me here.  I was hoping that they would provide some clarity but I feel even more confused right now.  I will keep pushing myself forward here as I have many more points to consider but need to come back another day for that.  

I keep hoping for clearer vision and feel like I am muddling through the fog.  Until then, Hugs ~ Jaclyn

What am I (part 1: items 1-3)

 Good morning blog,

As I rambled on in my last musing, I have had alot of things in my head lately and I am going to try to spit them out virtually here as I continue to process.   In my last musing, one of the big questions on my mind was getting to understand what I really am.  Not just to have a label to be able to relate this for others, but more importantly to spend the time to be brutally honest with myself and understanding.  I'm really unsure if this will point me into any direction as a result or what I hope to gain out of this, but I feel like right now this is the thing to do.

So I start this post with the first set of numerous thoughts/behaviors/actions that I have regarding myself.  I count 14 or 15 of these but will probably change this as some are pretty similar.  Since writing them all out at once would be very long and wordy, I am going to break these up into multiple posts so I can take a break at times from thinking and try to remain fresh.  So self-judgement aside, here goes the first 3 items on my personal checklist to explore.

Understanding myself - thoughts/behaviors/actions

(1.) Amount of time contemplating gender definition.

I feel like a spend a lot of time contemplating my gender and often wonder if that is normal, weird and/or telling in any way.   This is not just something recent as it has been on my mind it seems like most of my life.   I can remember snippets of being young and trying to figure out why there was a boys team and a girls team and how I never seemed to feel comfortable in either.  I know that I was told directly how to be a man and how I was supposed to act both physically and emotionally and often wondered why the world was defined this way (or probably since I was not able to naturally fit into one team I must be wrong deep inside).  As I got older and this thing called the internet came into existence (I know that I am dating myself that most of my life was pre-world wide web), my questions and understanding about gender have greatly evolved in the past 15-20 years.  I interpret gender nowadays as not being a binary female/male only state but rather that an individual exists in a more fluid / undefinable mix between these two which can vary from day to day, hour to hour.  I think I prefer to call myself non-binary not because I want a third option but rather that I want a definition of neither male nor female because I don't feel I am either. Sort of like I am abstaining from answering this question although I know everyone from passports to drivers licenses to bathroom monitors in this world demand you to declare.   

Anyways, my question around this point is not to try to answer my personal definition but more wondering why I spend so much time thinking about it.  Is that normal? Do cis gender people who don't question their gender spend time thinking about this or is this a simple, easy truth like 'Duh, I'm a man' and there is no point in thinking further about that.  The honest truth is that I often feel like my mind is seriously fucked up and that I spend as much time thinking about gender and then how it defines or not defines me.  I don't know what that says about me but that is my contemplation point here.     

(2.) Obsession with trans books, podcasts, blogs, etc.

Sort of coinciding with the amount of time I spend thinking about gender, I also wonder why I have at times been reading/listening/browsing trans related books, posts, podcasts, etc.  I think probably around 15 years or so ago I googled my first transgender information sites online and was flooded by all this information that I never thought of or knew before.  For anyone under 25, this probably doesn't make sense as that was always there for them.  For me growing up, I never ever thought of going to a library to research anything around transgender and never saw anyone in person (or more correctly realized that I saw a real life trans person).   My only knowledge of trans people were the stereotype freaks/weirdos portrayed in most movies and shows (Klinger on Mash as a punchline to get out of the service, the Rocky horror picture show as sexual fetish freaks not from this world or normalcy) and I feel ashamed at my ignorance.  

After I started to research online, for me I started writing my personal blog here as I way to process and reflect.  I also find myself obsessed at times with other people's blogs or podcasts, and scroll through the social pages like Facebook looking for other people that feel like me.  I've read several books others have written about their transition and usually agree with some parts but also feel jealous or empty at the end that my story wouldn't have as nice a story.  I write this blog and keep coming back to it even after taking long breaks for god knows what reason but to be in my small part in the community.  

I don't really know what to make out of all of this - is it a fascination to a forbidden world or questioning or self-reflection or what not.  I just know that I have spent too much time consuming trans information here and question if I am normal.

(3.) Transformative fantasies/wishes

My third observation today that makes me wonder if I am normal or what I am is around dreaming / wishing fantasies of waking up in a different body.   Simply put, one of my long standing birthday wishes has been to blow out the candles and wake up in a genetic female body the next day.  I think if someone had a magic pill, I would swallow it without hesitation but since that is so far-fetched I don't see the point in that exercise.  

What I wonder is how normal is it for other people to have this fantasy.  Do cis women ever dream what it would be like to wake up without breasts, a mustache and jeans looser in the crouch (and with usable pockets).   Do normal men wonder how it would feel to have flowing hair, smooth skin and female sexual characteristics?  I don't know why I have had and continue to have from time to time these fantasies about my body magically changing as it seems so ludicrous to write about it and makes me feel ashamed at something so crazy.  

I think I am going to stop here today after these rambling points as I feel like this is only the tip of chasing the white rabbit down the mysterious rabbit hole that are my thoughts here.  I will be back shortly to continue these as I have many more questions and even less answers than these.  I still feel as far away from determining anything as I did yesterday, last week, last year etc. and hope that this will at least help me in some small way.

Until the next time, hugs. ~Jaclyn

  

Labeling

 Good morning blog,

I've been feeling the urge to write again lately as part of my self-discovery so I wanted to leave a few words here today.   Recently upon reaching a really low point, I've decided to give things a try again at rediscovery and trying to figure sh#t out.  Specifically, I feel today that I need to take some time and been truly honest with myself and understand what I am.

I've started up with a new therapist with gender experience and hope that I will be able to trust and make some progress here.  In order to do so, I feel like I have to work with her to find a honest and true label for myself.

In the past, I have despised the idea of labeling and look at all the negative impacts that has.  I guess when I hate that the world is gender binary, I feel like for those of us that don't feel like we are in either of the 2 boxes that society wants to create a label to put us in a tidy little third box and tuck us away from view.  I also feel that if you have a label like transgender or cross-dresser or whatever then expectations of what you are and what you should do soon come with that.  

I don't think I have any idea of what I should do or what I should be for people's expectations which is the main reason I have been fighting labels.

But part of my struggle and zig-zagging journey is due to not being able to look at things another way so I am going to take the time to do that now.  I started by thinking that having a label would be helpful in describing my feelings and thoughts when trying to connect with my new therapist.  Hoping that she would say something like 'hey you seem to be a classic xyz type person, so you should do this'.

Really wouldn't that be so fucking nice.

But in reality, I know that is about as far-fetched as my fantasy of blowing out my next birthday candles and then waking up as a beautiful cis-gender woman. 

What I really think (and so very hope for!) is that going through this labeling exercise will help me because of the process and not of the outcome.  I feel because of my past experiences, I have really gone further underground and further hidden due to the pain from trying to come out before.  Yes, I'm ashamed of how I have reacted and want to come clean and honest with myself.  I've felt so lost in who I am and what I want and need something to shine a light on point me out. I'm scared, I'm alone, and I'm unconfident that I will get anywhere besides flailing in the dark again but this seems like something to try. 

This all probably sounds comical or ridiculous to most people and I know the common reaction would be to hit me over the head and say hey dummy, its so obvious that what you are.   I dunno, I guess I feel like a dummy that needs to do this anyway.   I started today and listed out around a dozen different thoughts and behaviors that I thought cold give some clue to me on what I am this morning, and the next step will be for me to address and be honest to myself about each of these.  That will probably lead to alot of writing over the next period here and I hope I can feel brave enough to share.

Until then, I am going to continue in my confused, hidden and lonely little world here.  ~ Jaclyn

Trapped inside my head

 

Trapped inside my head

I’m trapped inside my head,

In this strange world I’m alone,

Sometimes I wish I were dead,

Sometimes I wish I belonged,

 

In the safety of this place I seek,

Somewhere to run away,

Here my masks I can discard,

Here only briefly can I stay,

 

Alone, confused, screaming at the world,

Alone, in shame, rolling in the waves of pain,

I suffer endlessly.

 

There are lots of words I hear,

Advice on paths to take,

I just want to disappear,

I feel I am a mistake,

 

I don’t know what they all do mean,

When they say I can be free,

By just accepting myself,

When I don’t know what that means,

 

I’m a fake, a fraud, trapped in this prison forever,

I’m weak, pathetic, a victimizer to me,

My penance is to be here to stay.

  

The relentless moon rises on another night,

I lie awake in the quiet solitude again,

Travelling back through this miserable world,

I go off in search of a friend,

 

To fantasize of what cannot be,

To entertain an alternative reality,

To imagine what it is like to be free,

In a world that doesn’t penalize me,

 

For me, I’m lost, I’m trapped inside my head,

For me, I’m gone, not alive but mostly dead,

This is all I’ll ever be.

More questions, less answers

 Good morning blog,

I just spent a long night of thinking (brooding) and needed to write some of these feelings out to try and work myself through them.  Since this blog is for me I do not want to apologize for any ignorance that I have wrote here, but I do realize being in a possible public space this may offend some people. Please realize that I have plenty of psychiatric history to not classify myself as a sane person, and I do know that I have a severely distorted sense of the world from what I am told.  I am just trying to relay a little bit of my truth here and if I do spout some garbage here that bothers you, feel free to stop reading and know that I apologize in advance.  The very last thing I ever want to do is to hurt anyone else in this world, but I do feel I owe myself to work through my truth. 

Lately I've been trying to understand what it means to me to say that I am trans.  I know all the formal DSM definitions of this, but really trying to put this all into my words to help me understand myself.

I think for me, I view this world mostly in the binary two genders as that is the reality I have been existing in.  There is a men's world and a women's world and there are conscious and unconscious bias by society and by me.   The $1B Barbie movie is just a recent example to me of this point, the main story talked about from the movie that I have seen is how the doll portrays how women are viewed as second class to men, rather than do we really need to have a Barbie and Ken world separate at all.  I didn't see any butch Barbie's or Ken's in a dress on screen, perhaps again my pre-biases missed the point of the story again.

In my world all I can see is there are men and there are women and we can say they are separate and equal but that is a load of BS.   For those of us that don't fall into our biological assigned group (see Mr. Desantis if you need formal definitions of this),  the overwhelming majority of people that we will interact with us will be tolerate and respectful but also conscious or unconsciously place us into some group.

For those who consciously react, that is pretty simple - they need us to go into the right restroom, to interact and talk to us with the right pronouns or emotions, to have the right presentation and keep everyone on their correct side like how the boys and girl used to separate in my time in a junior high dance or at church.

The harder differences to me are the unconscious reactions - the way someone approaches and interacts with another person after determining their gender, the differences in conversation and tone people have when talking within their own gender vs. conversing across genders, the way emotions are accepted and expressed by men and women.  I have been out shopping for clothes (presenting as either male and female) and have observed the "looks" from someone that has an unconscious bias to know this exists.  I could go down a rabbit hole here in countless many more ways, but I will suffice in stating that in my view society at least today feels the need to classify most things into a binary world.   

Really the concept that I keep coming back to here is segregation.   I know that concept usually correlates with racial injustices and is so more eloquently and correctly addressed by those who have fought and continue to fight the racial injustices of society and I humbly appreciate their struggle and contributions.  But I do feel in my view that really we exist in a world today that is segregated by gender and this causes me so much pain.

I guess for me, it has always meant that I need to get up and exist in a man's world because that is the appearance everyone sees on the outside.  It means dressing in limited range of clothes, being expected to act and react in a certain manner around others, carry myself in a certain way, talk and express emotions to not make others uncomfortable, etc. etc.   I have believed (you can blame it on being what I have been taught and trained into thinking) that my biological makeup has determined how I need to present and be in the world and I shouldn't really question this.  Maybe I'm too stupid to understand this basic fact, but to me it almost feels like their is a men's and women's club and I should feel ashamed and disgusted in myself for ever wanting to reject my preassigned one and wanting to be in the other.

I know that I am flaying badly here, but I am working up to trying to get to my point here.  I guess in my core, I don't feel like I want to be into either group.  I hate so much being a man and just getting up each day and playing that role deadens another little part of me.  I have done that so long that I really don't feel much of anything anymore, my crying about it has stopped and trying to hurt myself doesn't even register any pain.   I thought for a really long time that I wanted to be part of the women's world - to be able to join in conversations and share thoughts on fashions, emotional feelings, etc. I don't even know what that world would really be but I have accepted that I would not fit into that one either.

So what the hell do I want? I guess the world that I want is one without binary divisions, without segregation, without any expectations of someone based on appearance or gender roles, one in which I could just exist as I want to be and people would treat and not feel uncomfortable or ashamed or whatever if they saw me outside of the way I am supposed to appear to them.

I know that one of my biggest defects is that I have a really hard time understanding what other people are thinking and that I assume 99.9% of the time wrongly about them.  But I don't have the personality to just say fuck the world and that I am going to be what I want to be and its their problem if they don't like it.  I cannot just set fire to my own house and I will never ever get to point that I can do that.  The pain and anguish and loneliness is to debilitating to me to even go into that exercise in my imagination. For everyone else that has bared this pain and suffering, you have my highest respect and I cannot imagine how strong you must be.

To me, being trans is that I am trapped inside without a club to belong to.  I have thoughts, feelings, emotions that will never be accepted by those who I love in this world.  I have hoped that they may come around but that is like waiting for the entire society to change and the term not in my lifetime comes to the top of my mind.    Being trans to me means to suffer, it is the old verse that having a dream inside that doesn't come true is something truly worse.  This is the source of my depression and this is reason I will never be cured of that.  On my good days, I can ignore this point for most of the time but it is impossible to completely bury it away.  On my bad days, this is an like a bad song that plays over and over until I think I need to shut off the record permanently.  I can't really remember too many good days in a long time.

I don't really know where to go from here, I am trying to treat the depression by approaching it from different angles but I don't hold out much hope with having the same reflection of the world around me.  I am trying to be strong to support my loved ones but I am feel so weak at times.   I just don't know as I don't have a path to go anywhere else.

Ok, well I have gone off the rails again and will try to straighten myself up and move on again.  I did have some time for self expression this past weekend so I am adding a photo here to help me remember this.  

Until next time ~ hugs

 

stuck

Hello blog.

I know its been a long time for me to write, but the truth be told I have struggled with just making it through to another day and writing seems so taxing at times.

Today I am reminiscing on the fact that it has been over 10 years since I came out to my significant other and really feel like that was the biggest mistake of my life.  I don't have any progress to report except backward and several hospitalizations and failed therapy and drugs to show for it.

I just feel like I am in the bottom of a seemingly endlessly tall pit and there is never going to be any way out. I'm sorry if that is not the cheery, hopeful, positive attitude we are supposed to exhibit but I have no idea how to change.

I feel totally empty inside.  I used to cry all the time but now there are no tears or emotions just me telling myself to cry.  To give up. To just let go of the never ending hell that each day of my existence brings.

Sorry I didn't mean to get so dark but anyone who offers hope I am going to defecate all over them. I am so tired of pretending to be fine, to be getting better, to be happy in my privileged position in this world.

Frankly I feel I don't want anything out of this world, but as my multiple therapists have told me, I have an internal safety switch so I can rely on that to keep me around.  I just don't know what being around does for me anymore.

I'm going to try to write more and be more uplifting, but I also don't want to be fake to my true feelings here.  I just don't know...