Wednesday, January 29, 2014

rough morning

Hello blog,

One of the main reasons that I started blogging is that I needed someplace to vent and reflect on the craziness of life, and today I feel like I need this blog to help ease my whirlwind thoughts.

So I apologize to outsiders this will probably not be very coherent but rather a monologue for help me relax.  Of course, probably this can be said for many of my other posts lol :)

I'm really struggling with having left my true self out a bit with being able to "put myself away" at least for awhile as necessary for outward appearances.  I don't know if this is common but even a year ago I was so much better on having Jaclyn time and then going without.  I find that it is getting so hard just to not wait to have Jaclyn time 24/7 anymore and it feels so desperate.

I can't stop looking at the way women dress, react and interact without wishing so bad that I cold be there talking and sharing and being accepted as one of them.  I know that can not be the case and it depresses me more.  Just this morning I was listening to the cold heels of my shoes echo off the parking garage on my way into work and couldn't stop imagining that I was walking in on heels or boots instead of my drab shoes.

Does this feeling ever subside again?

I know that I have gender dysmorphia and can't look into a mirror without feeling uneasy and disgusted.  I spent 5 minutes last night trying to pinch my nose to make it look thinner and stretch my chin to try and imagine how wonderful having facial surgery would be.  Then I look at that sorry excuse on the top of my head for hair and I get violently upset and angry.  Why can't I just be satisfied with the lot life dealt me like everyone else?

Today I go back to my therapist and we will sit there for an hour discussing how my parents didn't nuture me and how I should be more self-confident and how I should like myself.  It all makes logical sense but yet it doesn't.  I don't know how to relate the endless hours at night I lay awake in bed wishing that I had smooth skin and feminine curves and know that this can only be a dream.  My beautiful daughter and wife are the only good things in my life and I cannot lose them but yet as my therapist says perhaps I am trying to sabotage them.  Call it a mental illness or whatever but I still don't understand why I wake up loving my family yet feeling the internal need to tuck my maleness away under my clothes and run out to the mall over lunch in secret.   I'll end up again with a bag of clothes, internal guilt and unbearable feeling to put them on and walk outside and be free.

Somedays I seem to manage these pressures better but today is not that day.  Right now I really don't know what I am but instead know what I am not.

I am not happy, and I am not able to figure out how to make this better.
I am not able to look in a mirror and be thankful for all the fortunate things life has given me.
I am not able to maintain two seperate entities within in this tiny brain of mine.
I am not able to talk, to walk, to fly and be free like so many of the brave sisters I see around that I am in awe of.
I am not a man, I am not a woman.  I don't know what I am.

I can only hope that today and tomorrows get better and I can find some peace and answers.  Isn't that what we all are looking for?

Monday, January 20, 2014

Happy MLK day

Good morning and happy MLK day!
Today is a great day to celebrate Dr. King - one of the men I have most admired for all his vision, his courage and his compassion to share with others.  I only wish I could have been alive in the 60s to march with him and help lead his noble cause.  I know there is still so much hatred and racism left in this world, and try to do my small part to help reduce this so that one day truly people will be colorblind.  In my opinion, the transgender community shares some things in common with his message, just wanting not to be seen as a normal person against the traditional soceital views.  Dr. King and so many others has brought some hope that more and more people will see things in this light and hopes for a brighter future will survive as long as their is a voice to speak the truth.

On more personal note, this has been another troubling confusing period for me.  It seems if anythng is consistent, change and confusion is going to be my companion for awhile longer.  Since the end of last year, I've decided that I didn't want the prescribed antidepressants any longer impacting my judgement and stopped those.  In truth I am never quite sure why I agreed to start them as I didn't feel any more depressed than usual and taking them made me more depressed.  I had about 2 weeks of constant headaches but I think I have finally weaned my system off of this chemical dependence.

My current job environment well just plain sucks and so I have been working on the interview process to search out someplace new.  Probably one of my least favorite things and has made me more grouchy spending countless worthless hours searching and applying for places that seem like a black hole.  I can only hope that this process will end soon.  In my dreams, things would be much different and instead of going through this phony job searching process I would be finding a new life and freedom for Jaclyn.  I know I look up to Dr. King for having so much courage that I wish I could have, yesterday I found myself at Union station just looking at the destination boards and imagining just getting onboard and going somewhere, somehow -  if only I could take those first scary steps I know there would be no looking back.  But there I am, standing still frozen once again as the train leaves the station.  I guess I have some type of psychological martyr syndrom or passive inability or whatever, but it really sucks being me alot of the time.

But the biggest turmoil that is going internally is things that I am not doing if that makes any sense at all. I finally decided to go ahead and set up some time to talk with someone about hormones, and after waiting over a month for the appointment to arrive wouldn't you know those plans would blow up.  A week before the appointment I got a call for a job interview for that same day for somewhere I had been corresponding with for a few months.  Was that a horrible coincendence or a sign for me to chose?  Then I started thinking about the issues with health issue and changing jobs and how I didn't want to have to stop and start right away because of it.  So I decided that I should take the interview, wait for the job change and then pursue things again when the waiting period for insurance was up.  Of course this makes sense logically but my insides felt sad and angry and last week was not a good one to say at least.  I even had my therapist yelling at me and I think I need to start asking for a new one or just screw the counselling altogether.  How does the song go - I want to scream and shout and let it all out?  That describes me to a T it seems.

Well, I am feeling angry and my writing now seems to be going downhill so I am going to take a leave for today.  I am really wanting to go shopping and wish to go out in the world, holding my pretty hair held up high.  Someday.... <sigh>.  Well instead I will dream and wirte and hope - below is something that has been travelling around my wee brain for some time and feels good to get out.  WIshing you the best.


Tightrope walker
Tightrope walker, ballerina in the air,
Walking that thin line,
Are you going anywhere?

Big wave surfer, daredevil on a board,
Are you putting on a show,
Or awaiting that wipout ignored?

Everyday person, unnoticed on the street,
Do you want to be seen,
Or do you hide on purpose,
Knowing eventually you'll meet.

Where are we going,
Why are we pretending,
What is this exercise all for?
Why can't I be happy,
Why can't I be free,
Why can't I seem to find my balance and more.

I just don't know,
Where it is I am supposed to be,
I try so hard to do one thing,
And betray the truth inside of me.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

happy new year?

Happy New Year 2014 - 

As the calendar turns over once again, I still am perplexed by the way people celebrate New Year's eve as it just seems like the start of a new day for me.  I guess when it seems like my life is constantly changing, picking one arbitrary day and saying things are different doesn't make much sense to me.  Anywho, I made it to a little past 10 before packing it in with a book and PJs and for me that was all I wanted.

Since my last entry, I haven't had much news except that I am tired of putting the toxics into my body that are my prescribed anti-depressants.  Hell they did nothing for me and if anything made me feel worse so I see no reason to continue them.  As my bottom cleanses them I keep getting this nagging headaches and I will be so happy when that passes by.  Another reason I hate these chemical "helpers", it shouldn't make my body feel like crap not to have them if they were truly helping, as I feel like a tool for big pharma in the meantime.  Anyways, enough with them and I will look for alternative way for happiness (i.e. I didn't need no damn pill for 40+ years prior so they can go shove it).

Because of these headaches I haven't been writing much lately but spending alot of time thinking instead.  The other day my signficant other came out and told me how wrong my features would be as a female and truthfully that careless off the cuff comment by her hurt me inside.  I know that I am not beautiful, I know that I will never be a stunning model and perhaps never passable, but still I had to go hide and cry.   I am trying to get strong enough to stand up for myself but my personality is not suited for that or at least not yet and wish I could have at least a tiny bit of strength that I read in other t-girl's blogs out here.  You know when you feel like as a male you are so ugly and wrong and told as a female that you will never be that either, it seems so hopeless being somewhere in between. I guess I feel like such a pathetic fool sitting here typing my blog but I appreciate the only outlet I have here to just be without having a gender attached if that makes any sense.

I'm going to leave today without much inspiration, but with the small hope that 2014 will work out to be a better year than the past one at least in a tiny bit.

Happy New Year and Cheers and Hugs,