Tuesday, May 20, 2014

random thoughts

Hello blog,
I'm turning to you today because I need some outlet here.  I've been struggling so hard lately and really feel that I am on the verge of something self-destructive.  I don't want to do it but I can't stop thinking about it so much.  I don't know why.

Lately the weather has been getting warmer and I am worried about having to explain some of the latest scars on my arms. Perhaps no one will really notice them like before but they seem more pronounced to me. I wish I could stop cutting but it is something that makes me feel better when I do it, although I hate pain and blood it doesn't seem to affect me at all when I am doing it.  Other more permanent thoughts have been on mind lately but all I can think about is the shame that the handful of people I know will feel once I do that.  I know I wallow in self-pity and shame, but I can't help shake the disappointment I have left everyone I have ever known.

I have an appointment with a pysch in a few weeks and think about asking for spiro or HRT but think he will just dwell on trying some different anti-depressant or whatever.  I don't want another pill that is supposed to make me feel happy artificially, why doesn't that profession think of anything rather than playing with chemicals to fix people.  Hell, I could take herion or smoke pot if I wanted to take chemicals to make myself feel better.  If I do it I am called a junkie, if a psych does it he is called a professional.  Crock of dog excrement I believe.

Well, that is about how I feel today and tomorrow looks like it will be even worse.  I apologize to anyone reading this looking for something happy or uplifting as I don't have that in me right now.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Self reflections

Happy Cinco de Mayo blog,

Today started out a bit gloomy but with the sun peeking out I am thinking of taking a nice walk over lunch today.  The weather seems to match my mood for the last couple of days as today I am feeling a bit better about things.

As I have written endlessly about, most of my thoughts lately have centered around accepting who I am and then appreciating myself as a person regardless of my looks or other's perceptions of what is right or not.  Great ideas to type here and harder to believe but I'm trying, really trying.

This weekend as the weather warmed up I found myself in the closest trying on shorts and looking at my legs.  I am really proud of these and find them to be shapely and looking at them made me feel more and more like I was born with the wrong equipment.

You know, it is so hard to explain to spouses, family, counselors what it feels like to look at your legs and imagine how a nice pair of hose may accent them or to look at your fingers and nails and admire their slenderness.  I've read about the looking in the mirror and seeing a woman reflecting back at oneself's phenomenon, but I don't how to explain to others when I am standing on top of a mirror trying to tweeze away some unwanted hairs, or squeezing my nose to make it thinner or trying to stretch my chin out to make it more angular why I feel this way.

I have come along way from thinking I was just a mistake or confused or deviant or whatever, and believe that I am more feminine inside than masculine for whatever that counts for. Like how the sun eventually clear out these gloomy skies I feel that knowing this fact helps me deal with the fact that I am going to face another summer season wearing some drab shorts but will not be afraid to let out a bit more of my feminine insides in measured doses.   Perhaps I will never find true acceptance unless I just rip that band-aid off completely and just completely come out.  That is so hard to think about and too scary to do right now, so I will try and take more baby steps as they come.

Hoping for brighter skies and warmer hugs,