Friday, August 14, 2015

my dysphoria

I have gender dysphoria. I know this and didn't want to be born with this.  But it is, so I try to deal with it.

I don't know how to explain this condition to anyone else outside of it, and battling against it can be so defeating and depressing. When I mention transgender to people I love, they picture the Rocky picture horror show or Caitlyn Jenner and tell me they respect them for being them, but don't really want to share or accept it as part of their lives. I am told that I am confused and my feeling are really inherent childhood trauma that I have never addressed. I don't know what is right.

I find myself sleeping less and less these days, laying awake at night processing all these thoughts of how my life would be if I really spent it as Jaclyn 24/7.  I hate my naked body when I shower and get dressed in the morning, and think about my dysphoria on the drive in to work. The first thing I need to do is to turn to start my day is to turn my computer to look at pictures of me as Jaclyn, and then I try to escape into this world throughout the day if I have am moment to think.  If I get a chance in the evening, I spend time browsing retail sites looking at clothes or even transgender sites looking for support. This routine is so tiring.

I see women around me and worry that they think I am checking them out when really I am admiring their outfits and trying to learn how to coordinate as well as them.  If one of my female co-workers just had a manicure or has cute shoes on, I so much want to go up and tell them how good they look and then live in fear of the repercussions that such a statement would make.  I even find myself trying to imitate their gait if I am alone and trailing far enough behind them. I feel ashamed and guilty about this behavior but still do it.

I don't know where to turn to anymore. I have tried so many therapists and have gotten some many prescriptions for anti-depressants.  I have tried to come out to my family and was rejected, purged and re-bought, been caught trying to dress in stealth and have hidden and put up a wall between my feelings and my family.  I can't let anyone into my world because I know they will conclude that I am certifiably crazy.  I have digressed into self harming behaviors, and have planned and started to act on suicide to the point that I have scared myself that I have gone to far.

My world is so pathetic and sad, and I can't stop from sitting and crying and playing the victim.  I know all this and the should dos I have heard many time.  I would do them if I could, but I can't.  I am so low and so defeated and so worn out from all of this.

Yet, I still start another day here dwelling on my condition and trying to escape into and out of my world.  I don't think I could talk to anyone in person about my feelings so I write them here.  I want some friendship and understanding and scared in reaching out to try.

I feel so hopeless.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015


Hello blog,
I am feeling absolutely miserably depressed today and I can't stop it. It got me to the point where I was sitting in the car and not able to do anything but cry and feel shameful about it.

How do you deal when others tell you are worth something when it just makes you feel worse that you can't see any possible way that could be true? I give up on all this and I have given up on me.

The part of me that is logical told me to write some letters to leave to those important in my life to try and explain why I felt I couldn't go on any longer. I wrote three letters and then realized there was no one else close to me.  Made me feel more pathetic that over 40 years on this dumb planet and I probably only impacted the lives of 3 people.

My head throbs now and I don't have any strength to continue much longer. I guess if this is my last post I will say good-bye as Jaclyn and hope if anyone ever stumbles upon this drivel that they have a better life than I did.

Good-bye for now and maybe forever, Jaclyn