Friday, May 25, 2018

coming out thoughts

Hello blog,

Winding down to the end of a busy week and getting ready for another holiday weekend here. There have been alot of thoughts running through my wee brain lately and I will try to use this as an outlet here.

Starting with I finally attended my first support group this past week.  It was a nice change from the usual solitary therapy to talk with other trans individuals, and I will say it felt nice to somewhat fit into a group for a change.   I spent most of that time being quiet and listening as my anxiety was at its peak, and have been reflecting on these topics for the past few days.  The one that seems to stick out the most was around 'coming out' and what that really means.

For me personally, I do not consider myself as fully out - that is there are a small handful of people that know me in both genders but majority of those that matter to me in this world do not yet.  I've had alot of this discussion with my wife to try and gauge what that means and to me that I am not out means that I haven't fully accepted myself here.  I mean I know that I am trans, I imagine a life that I could live as Jaclyn but I still have fears of acceptance with work, with friends, with other family members.  I guess I am not sure that I can pull a life of as Jaclyn, so instead I choose right now a non-authentic one but one that would have far less scrutiny from others.  The biggest one that I worry about is what living authentic would do for my immediate family.

My wife has already told me that she would leave so that would mean a complete different relationship with my daughter.   I cannot imagine not being around for her to grow up and not living with her would tear a big hole inside of me.  So I feel at a loss here, try to stall and forget the feelings inside of moving closer to being authentic or be true and search for my own life and hurt from not being with my family.

I feel that I have reached a point where I have to make a decision here on coming out, trying to push forward to be authentic and not really sure what that means.  Its not like there is a guidebook or others close to me to support that decision or tell me what to expect and do.  It feels like the world is starting to spin out of control and I have a loose grip on the wheel.


Tuesday, May 8, 2018

the wall

Hello blog,

Today is a rough day as I am facing down alot of self-doubts and fears today.  I have been wondering and self-questioning my transition, trying to understand if I am headed in the right direction and if I will ever get things to a point where I'll feel comfortable as passable.

If feels as if I have reached a wall here.

I have been thinking of the tv series American Ninja warrior and their iconic wall that competitors have to face and run up it to overcome the last obstacle in one of their courses.  I feel as if I am facing that wall right now and running up and sliding down it.

The last time I got to this place, I backed away and went down a destructive path.  I don't want to do that again this time.

I am hoping that I get over this wall, to date this feels like a big obstacle and perhaps I need a hand from above to hoist me over. Here I go running at it again, wish me luck ....

Hugs, Jaclyn

Friday, May 4, 2018

checking in

Good morning blog,

Next week marks month 2 on my hrt restart and things seem to start to be happening much faster this time.  I had a checkup with the clinic this week and my levels look good - where we want them for T and my E coming close to 100.  The only adjustment will be to boost my daily estrogen supplement by 2 mg and I have started that already.  Otherwise, medically things are proceeding rather well.

On the emotional side, the amazing speed of the changes makes me feel the reckoning point is fast approaching if not past.

I'm not a big fan of roller coasters since I am not a risk taker, but when I was much younger I remember riding some of those old-fashioned wooden rickety ones.  As you went up the first hill, the clink-clink-clink of the chain would always raise the anxiety level of the big dips and hills ahead.  I sort of today feel like I am on that roller coaster car with the clinking in my ears and hoping that my seatbelt is fastened tight enough for the big hill I am ascending.  I had a long discussion about hormones with my wife last night and discussions of the future lie ahead for this weekend I'm sure.

I hope that I am ready for this fast ride.  It is going to be scary, exhilarating and full of ups and downs ahead.  I don't like roller coasters much, so I hope I can handle this ride.