Wednesday, May 18, 2016

panic attack

Hello there blog.

This morning I feel like I am falling apart in a panic attack and need somewhere to write so I am using this blog to try and save my sanity.

I've been taking my t-blocker now for around 2.5 weeks and it feels good. I don't think there are any physical changes and this is probably all in my head but I'm feeling better. In my dysphoric view of myself, I feel like my skin is getting softer, my body hair lightening, my shape getting curvy.  I know none of this is happening but I can't stop imaging it is.  I keep focusing more and more on grooming my eyebrows, gesturing and posturing more feminine, and thinking about being a woman.  When I sleep, more and more of my dreams are about being female.  

And I want more.  I am so scared to admit this and can't speak it out loud.  I feel so torn and stressed and distracted and want to focus on something different but I can't.  I want to go back to the clinic and get the full hormone regimen and to take them.  Those words and actions seem so blissful yet I know that isn't the truth as well.  I know I can't suspend the world or that someone won't kidnap me and support my transformation and that any of those actions would have irreversible consequences.

I just really really really want it right now and am shaking with admitting to this.  I feel so scared and alone and confused.  I just don't know... 

Monday, May 9, 2016

dealing with dsyphoria

Today is being a difficult day.  I know things should be brighter as we are finally having nice weather and I should be thankful for so much.  But I'm not, I'm struggling with my gid today.

I recently got a social media post reminding me that it has been now 4 years since I came out and talked to someone about my gender dsyphoria after holding it inside for so long.  I don't really know how much this has all helped as I feel worse off on somedays that before.  Today is one of them.

I don't really know how to describe it - it is a like something that my mind fixates upon and a constant buzzing reminder of how wrong I am.  I just hate my male anatomy so much and want to run away and change all of it.  Hate is a strong word and when it is the first one that comes to mind when you think about yourself it can be downright debilitating.

I wish I had the strength to make a change in my life but I am too weak to.  I've waited and watched and been so proud of so many others that are so much stronger than me.  I just want to run out of here right now, put on a sundress and take a walk in the park and breathe in a new life.  But I am planted here not able to move and just want to scream. This madness seems to be too overwhelming.

I keep fantasizing about some prince charming to come and take me away, to believe in me to support me and to change my life for the better.  That pretty woman dream will never come true and I know that I am the only one that can do that.  I feel so pathetic to hold on to some fairy tale dream.

So I am still here, my mind racing and feeling so low and depressed and spiraling further down, down, down until who knows.  I wish I knew how to make things better and deal with the struggling within.  I wish I could talk to someone and know they would understand and give me some hope.  I wish and wish and wish and not very much more.

I feel like today is going to be another struggle again.