Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Changes in the air

As the temperature dipped this morning, I was reminded that autumn was arriving once again.  I found the change in seasons kind of symbolic as I have been personally mulling over several changes in my wee little head here as well.

To start with, I have decided that I need to accept and move forward with myself here.  I made an appointment once again with the local gender clinic for a few weeks from now that I resolve that I am going to keep.  Yes I am scared shitless and anxiously excited and started a countdown of days here. I know this date I will keep obsessing over here, but really I have so much trouble focusing on much of anything else lately it seems.

Another big change I have decided to try and new hairstlye.  Again I am very nervous and excited and am going to try and go with bob in a natural blonde color.  I am trying to coordinate my outfits and thinking perhaps I need something new to match here.  This feels like another big leap of faith but at least I know I can always go back to the original look here.

Anyways, that is the latest in the swirl of things that is Jaclyn's world today.  I am holding my breath and hoping things end up in a better place than today.  I am just good with change but know it is a necessary thing.


Thursday, September 17, 2015

hello, i am Jaclyn

This is the true me, and I am tired of trying to pretend what I am not. I feel inside that I should have been born a woman, and am not going to apologize anymore for having these feelings.  I am whom I am, and I am ready to embrace myself.

This feels so good to write and even better to say out loud.  Even though the only one to hear me were the walls of my automobile, I just came back from having a good cry and allowing myself to feel.  And these feelings and thoughts are even stronger and stronger inside me for allowing them out.  I don't know where I go from here, but it is time to destroy the facade.  Yes, I'm scared shitless out of my wits and my anxiety is off the charts on what the future may hold. I just need the strength to follow through, it hurts so much to think of not anymore.

I am Jaclyn, I have strong emotions and feelings and I am not wrong for this.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Cycling again

Good morning blog,

I feel alone and confused today as I am having trouble focusing on much this morning outside of my gender issues.  I have been feeling like this most days recently as if my brain is stuck in some never-ending loop and I seem to forget some of the most simple things because of my lack of concentration.

Yesterday when I went for a walk to try and cope with this, I ended up finding myself routing past the local goodwill store and exiting there with a new pair of shoes and shirt.  Later when I was alone I had to try them on and I felt like an ashamed alcoholic sneaking a drink while I sat and relaxed away in a distant corner of my home.  Still that relapse was not enough as I spent a long time awake last night just thinking how good it would feel to wake up and be able to join society as a woman and then fret about how that will never happen.  And so goes the endless cycle that seems to curse my waking and non-waking thoughts each day.

Really if anything this morning I feel overwhelmed and confused in trying to understand what it all means.  I read almost anything I can around gender dsyphoria and hrt, and really question more and more what I am.  The clinical definition of 'unease with ones gender' seems to me like someone saying we aren't really sure exactly how to diagnose this so we are going to create some generic definition to let up to someone else to interpret.  Yeah, thanks again for nothing there.

So I read further and this time looked to blogs and books written by trans folks to try and get better insights.  This was much more informative as there were several personal accounts that I could relate to such as 'feel like I can only concentrate on gender issues', 'feeling like observing life and not really a part of things', 'hating and wishing not to have been born with one's genitals' and 'feeling the need to present as the non-biological gender even without understanding the reason that this is so important' that I agree with.  But then there are some statements for people that are not really dsyphoric but are cross-dressers that I get confused upon such as 'dress on occassion only' or 'do it for some sexual gratification'.  Well, I rarely get the chance to be Jaclyn in the real world and I will admit that I enjoy the attention of any men that I may receive as her.  I considered this as a part to understanding Jaclyn was to be open to all experiences as her including sexual ones so this brings more doubt to me.

Finally, I continue to spend hours reading material around Hrt and gender dsyphoria try to determine if this would be right for me.  In one place I saw that she determined that she was gender dysphoric when she started hormones as that cleared up alot of confusion she struggled with.  This trial by fire method seems a bit risky as what if it is right but when one starts they don't feel the reassurance right away or what if it seems right because one wants it to be.  Then I read stories about those who have gone forward and have regretted the decision later and write about how this is the last resort one should choose and how this should be considered in the background of cheerleaders and online supporters that seem to be proponents for transitioning.

So, really I am still here, and don't know what I'll do and scared as hell to do anything or to not do anything at all.  Its sad and depressing and makes me want to go and buy more shoes to forget about things.  I feel so screwed up in this world.


Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Thoughts for tomorrow

I saw a butterfly lying on its side
I watched the leaves to turn to gold
I wondered why some things must end
I wonder where the summer goes

I thought about that butterfly
The amazing sights her journey revealed
I pondered if in she planned ahead
For the adventures still concealed

Of friendships made and sometimes ended
Love once lost and hearts on the mend
Was the journey worth her pain
To leave behind family and friends

As she fluttered her wings now slowly
Her story and trials shared with me
I saw the rare beauty she possessed
And the splendor she had freed

I know now that she has no regrets
I know her journey now is mine
I saw a butterfly lying on its side
And a tear fell from my eye

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

scared and anxious

Good morning blog,

I've been doing alot of thinking lately about my gender dsyphoria (actually it seems like the only thing I am focusing on) and think I have made a decision to follow thorough with the clinic on discussing hrt.

I am not sure how to describe my mental state most times these days. I feel on edge or pre-occupied or something restless as my mind circles and circles back again on the realization that I am not right.  I find myself loathing my body more and disgusted by hair and other masculine traits and just wishing that I was born female. I feel jittery, then angry, then slide into a deep well of depression every day when I think of these things.  Yet I do nothing about it, and my thoughts of just ending everything seem to increase with my inability to do anything.

I feel so lost and pathetic, but most of all I am scared.

I am scared of what I want to be.
I am scared of what this will mean to everyone I love.
I am scared of losing everything and hitting the bottom.
I am scared that things really won't work out right, and I will never fit in.
I am scared on if I am really wrong about my feelings.

I went and visited my counselor last time as Jaclyn, and I so want her to start helping Jaclyn.  I don't really know how to ask her this and I am fearful on not being able to do what she suggests.  I feel so embarrassed and ashamed at these thoughts but I am so needing the time to relax and be free,

Just typing these thoughts I am finding are difficult to do.  I printed out directions to howard brown today and want to ask my counselor to go with me to an appointment there.  I fear and know that what I am expecting from switching hormone levels in my body are going to be different that reality. I just want some peace as these thoughts and obsessions are relentless and seem to be the only thing I focus on.

I am so scared to take a leap into the unknown.  Too scared to write anymore.

Friday, September 4, 2015

The true me

I look in the mirror
Don't see what you do
I wish you'd understand
What I see there is true

I hate my own body
It makes me all sick
Want to hit and scream and shout
To get rid of the ick

This isn't some fetish
No abuse when I was young
No one made me feel this way
It's who I am I've known all along

I hate how I was made
I hate how I appear
I hate hiding away
I hate living in fear
I want to let it all out
I want to release my soul
I want to emancipate myself
I want to feel the real me

It hurts so much each day
Paralyzed even to speak
I want to tell you how I feel
To show you I'm no freak

I wish to follow my dreams
I know how destructive they are
To release my trapped soul
To follow my star

I hope that someday
You'll finally understand
I had no choice in all of this
And finally see I'm not a man

Thursday, September 3, 2015

I'm not crazy

Hello blog,

I just was reading the story about how parents were trying to issue a stop order for a beautiful young woman that will be undergoing SRS in New Hope, PA.  The thing that ticked me off about the unfortunate situation with her parents (really there were many in that article) was that they were trying to use the group on mental incompetence to issue the stop warrant.

As I have been dealing with therapists and members of the mental health community concerning my seeming uncurable depression and anxiety, I was very angry just this week when talking with a doctor concerning my dsyphoria and how he treated it like a mental illness.  I understand that including it in the DSM IV has some beneficial implications in terms of getting the backward american insurance companies and medical community to allow transgender individuals to make things right.  But what I hate is how it seems that because I have dsyphoria I am mentally sick.

Really, I function quite well and feel that I have above average intelligence thank you.  I don't feel my dsyphoria causes me to lose all focus and not be able to cope with things as I have dealt with this my whole life.  And from the other girls I have met in similar situation they seem really mentally stable and well-being especially when they can be in touch with themselves without the world's prejudice.

To me, it honestly feels like the majority of the mental health community is lacking an understanding of gender identity and is either filled with pre-conceived notions that this is some fetish brought on my parental issues or that it is a state of mental instability.  I know this because I have tried to talk and find someone in that community near me that understands and can help with gender dsyphoria to no such luck as of yet.  And I live in a large suburban area with many practicing mental health professionals, I shudder to think of all the issues that someone in a rural community would face.

Just last month when my pysch asked me what medication I think I should be on and I responded t-blockers, it was like deer in the headlights expression he returned.  Then he told me that he didn't even know what ones were and why anyone would even want this.  And he is the supposed transgender specialist in this office!  The rest of the session I felt as if he treated me like I was totally insane to have this feelings and I left feeling so angry, hurt and misunderstood.  I may return just to keep my anti-depressant prescription to deal with my other issues, but I resent having to go back there.

So yes, I am feeling pissed off and angry with this world.  If I hear another person ask me how I feel about Catilyn Jenner because they feel her situation and mine are the same I may just go off.  And while I do not know alot of things in this world, I know I am not crazy.

I'm just lost and sad and trapped in a body I never wanted.  That is not crazy, that is me just accepting and knowing inside who I am.