Monday, November 28, 2016

learning to love oneself

Hello blog,

This part holiday weekend I've had plenty of time to relax and reflect upon myself and I feel the need to express it today here.  I realize that how drastic and horrible I make things out to be, I really have lots to be thankful for and need to spend more time on the positive aspects rather than my shortcomings. Easier typed than done, huh?

So anyways, while I have noticed some slight physical changes since starting HRT, my emotional state has definitely been changing the most.  I feel much more calmer and relaxed, and so far it just feels right to have estrogen in my body.   I may be completely fooling myself in believing this is the reason why, but I know I haven't cut myself lately and have been feeling good for a bit.  Right now I feel somewhat safe in knowing I could stop and go back to the ways things were, but mentally imagining going back seems impossible.

Last week I took the time to dress up nice and go out for a bit.  I really enjoyed having this time for me and somewhere in the middle of getting ready it seemed like a different emotion took over my thoughts.  It sorta of was like instead of trying to be Jaclyn I just somehow became Jaclyn.  Ok it may sound really corny, but I'm still searching for the terms or words to describe the feelings of the night.  All I knew at that time was that it just felt right inside and I found myself taking my guard down and enjoying the moment.

While I stopped getting ready and sat down on a chair, I took stock of myself and my feeling.   No matter how ridiculous I looked at that moment half-dressed and half done-up, I actually felt that I liked my body and myself.  If I have felt this way before, I couldn't seem to remember as it seems I have been spending my whole life looking at my body and thinking instead how disgusting it was.  I don't remember finishing getting ready, but I do remember spending time in front of a mirror for the first time in so long.

So that was my little bit of self-realization and my little step of my journey this past week.  I know that I need to keep working on loving myself more often.  This is a hard task for me and one that will take alot of work, but hopefully I will get there and be more of the person that I want to be.

Until then, hugs.


Friday, November 18, 2016

Week 1 reflections

Hello blog,

I'm not going to try to keep periodic updates but given that I have just finished my first week on hormones I thought it would be a good time for an update.

So far I would not report any drastic changes especially none physically.  I've also resolved to try to exercise more and diet to lose weight but that is not easy for me.  Being vegetarian I have read about reducing soy so I have been struggling with another good protein source.  I'm just worried about the whole diet thing as we are heading into the holiday period of overeating and sweets.  Wish me luck navigating this season lol.

While there are no physical changes, I have been feeling a little more mellower this past week.  I know this is mostly mental, but usually shortly after my daily dosage I feel a little warm relaxation sort of wash over me and leave me with a nice calm feeling.  It is so relaxing and feels good inside, sort of like slipping in a nice warm bathtub after an exhausting day.  I noticed this feeling after the first few days and now look forward to it so i am not sure if it is real or something I manufactured in my head.  But either way, it gives me something to look forward to.

I am looking forward to a nice thanksgiving holiday next week and will be keeping on my path.  I may be trudging along in baby steps, but perhaps at least I am trying to go somewhere now.


Friday, November 11, 2016

My first dose

Hello blog,

After a long and tiring week here, today marks a new day and perhaps a new start for myself.  After a long, long, long time of indecision, I have just taken my first hrt dosage.  I sort of feel a lot like Alice in wonderland with the tempting bottle that says drink me, but at last check I haven't ballooned up bigger than a house or shrunk to nothing yet.

I start down this path not sure where I will go or where it is going to lead me. All I know is right now I can't continue the daily struggle and feelings of hopelessness and failure.  I don't want to commit suicide but those thoughts seem to continue to come back to me much to often.

I don't know how long I will continue on this road or what the future may bring.  Today was only the first day to continuing my self discovery.  Please wish me luck since I need as much as I can get.


Tuesday, November 8, 2016

death and rebirth?

Hello blog,

I think I am officially crazy. Or at least I feel I know what crazy feels like as it seems like so much a struggle to have two personas inside of me constantly.   As I am getting closer to my appointment this week with the local gender clinic to discuss transitioning, I keep thinking about the internal struggle to present one 'normal' personality to the world and the one inside me that feels right.

Which leads me to wonder that to truly transition does that mean you need to kill off one side to birth the other?

In my situation at least that seems the case.  I am so freaking nervous about going to the gender clinic not because I am excited about the possibilities but because it means the end of everything I have been before. It means that I will be turning my back on my family, my career, everything.  I don't know anything what I am getting into here and feel that keeping moving forward is moving forward selfishly and maybe foolishly.

So I am feeling depressed, feeling down and thinking alot about death.  I have been frightening myself more recently as last night I totally lost it and ended up on the kitchen floor alone pressing a butcher knife to my throat and thinking that this may be a better alternative.  Of course I didn't do it since I am still typing but I collapsed and just cried and felt so tired afterwards.

I don't know where tomorrow leads or if there will be a tomorrow anymore. I feel so lost and desperate and don't think professional help will even do any good anymore.  I think I am crazy. Make that I know I am.