Thursday, June 14, 2018

Next steps

Hello blog -
Yesterday marked an anniversary of sorts for me as it was 5 years ago to the day that I officially came out as Jaclyn to my wife and started to accept being transgender.

These 5 years have had highs and lows and I would be lying if I understood the progress or lack thereof I may have had.  It still all is very confusing to me and I wonder where my next steps will lead me.These are the thoughts that have been keeping me awake over the past several nights pondering.

I don't know how to really express the feeling but I feel like I need to do something and take action and that is disconcerting at best.  I don't like that feeling but I also don't like the feeling like I am being stuck as well.  It may be time to fully commit to transitioning to Jaclyn, but the prospect of losing all that I have is daunting.

Besides that concern, I feel lost in what comes next.  I wish there was a transition recipe that I could follow that would guide me through each of these steps because I am so lost here.  There are so many worries (big & small) about how I present, how I interact, how I live as a full-time woman that I have no clue about. I wish I had a big sister to lean on here but I think waiting for that to appear would be like waiting forever. 

There is just so much that I don't know but I feel like slipping further to insanity if I keep going over and over in my head with all the what ifs and not taking at least an honest attempt ahead.

I need some strength and courage and appreciate having this outlet to lay out my thoughts no matter how rambling and incoherent they may be.  I need some help to carry on.  I pray I will find it.