Friday, April 28, 2017

Fear of change

Hello blog,

I have spending a lot of sleepless nights recently thinking about change and what that all means to me.  Not just change of identity, but internal change in how I feel about myself, relate with others and how I can try and focus on changes to make myself positive and be who I want to be.

These thoughts are good but thoughts without action are ... well, just thoughts.  So then I start thinking of what holds me back from taking action on these thoughts and that is what I'd like to write out more about here.

If I am being truthful, there are many reasons that I don't take action which at the time may be valid and some invalid.  From I am not quite yet ready and it is safer to not make a change (perhaps valid) to it is easier to keep doing the same even if I am miserable (kinda foolish).  When I start listing out all my reasons for not making any changes, most of them boil down to one thing - being afraid of change.

What is this fear of change?  Accepting myself as being transgender I realize that this also means accepting changes physically but more importantly emotionally.  How many people and things in my life will I lose as I continue down that path to accept me is a common question that I have dwelt upon for a long time.  The more important question I am coming to realize that I haven't dwelt on enough is how much will I gain by moving ahead?

So instead of sitting there paralyzed with my fear and thoughts and not doing anything, I am trying a new approach.  I am going to try to take these large goal looming ahead in my transition (moving to full-time happy Jaclyn and being out in the world) to instead take tiny little steps and keep pushing myself to take them.  For example, I am going to try and work on social skills by trying to make new friends and search out support groups and then be patient to do these little things.  It is going to be difficult because of bad past patterns of failing at one small thing and then giving up.  Instead I am going to know that I will move ahead, then back, then ahead, then back and eventually these steps will lead me more forward than backward overall.

While I am trying to avoid the fear, I am still wary of change and of days ahead of me.  I am also telling myself to be afraid of some of the dark days behind when I refused to change and how destructive that was.  I have a long, long, long way to go and know all these changes will be a huge disruption in my life.  I am just looking forward to what amazing things I am going to benefit from with the change instead.

Hugs, Jaclyn

Here's a recent poem I have written about this long road of change that I thought fit in here.

Walking naked in the rain,
Feeling, absorbing, surrounding in pain,
Going down this fruitless path path again,
It is time for me to make a change.

Thoughts carry weight even with actions undone,
They set things in motion not yet begun,
A dangerous exciting path to start down upon,
It is time for me to make a change.

The next time I just want to run away,
The next time I think there's no reason to stay,
The next time I do not want to even face the day,
It is time for me to make a change.

I now realize my inaction has hurt so deeply,
Opportunities that I have thrown away so selfishly,
No more will I continue to act so stupidly,
 A new me, it is time to make a change

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Multiple parts of me

Hello blog,

As I start to pick up the pieces from my last crash and burn, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection and self-learning along the way.

One of the things I have been reflecting lately is around self identity and trying to reconcile my femme persona (Jaclyn) with my masculine persona (John).  Talk about a true mind-bender here.
Probably up to the last week my thought was for one to survive, the other one must perish.  Now after a couple of deep thoughts I have come to realize how simplistic and incorrect that statement really is.

As I spend the days right now presenting and functioning as John, I realize that often many parts of my personality or behaviors really are coming from my Jaclyn perspective.  I often feel encouraged by these thoughts and actions as I feel more engaging, open and in touch with my emotional side when I let my Jaclyn side out.

Conversely if this is true, then if there is a day I function and present as Jaclyn, I will still have my John side as part of me.  But that does not need to be bad as it will include all my prior experiences and I can try to work on letting the desirable John traits in and the undesirable ones go.

Thus in reality I feel like I am sorta like the ice cream swirl of personality and perhaps think of myself with a gender neutral name like Jackie to remind me of both parts.  Of course, adding more names will seem to confuse things but then again what is really simple and straightforward in a gender questioning world?

So I think I am going to take this little piece of perspective today and move further towards my quest of understanding and accepting the true me.  I have found a nearby support group with others that prize the gift of multiple gender identity and think that will be a big step to attend and connect with others.

If there is anything this past month and half has taught me, is that I cannot do this myself and I do need help in this world.  I am going to reach out to try and understand all parts of me and to chose to take the positive parts and nuture these regardless of what identity I finally present.  I hope that someday this will become more clearer for me as I keep taking those small steps towards the goal of self acceptance.  For today, I am going to realize that being in touch with multiple sides of me is really a gift that makes me special for whom I really am.


Friday, April 7, 2017

new patterns

Good morning blog,

After a rainy week, this morning we were treated to sunshine and with that and the spring blooms starting to appear it makes me think of new beginnings here.

As a result of my recent many hours of therapeutic work I am not going to try to forget the struggles of the past month but instead accept them and try and focus on today and what I can do instead. 

And in the spirit of actually doing something, I am going to start holding myself accountable to make a healthy choice about my gender identidy and what it means.

I am planning to meet with a therapist with experience treating gender dysphoria patients Monday and to try and communicate this as honestly as I can with my spouse. Being open with her is going to be hard and have consequences but I cannot keep just pretending I’m fine when I really am not.  I also researched and found a transgender therapy support group to join that will be starting in a month.  I don’t think I can do this all by myself anymore and asking others is something that I need to keep doing.

Finally, I am going to try and give myself some space to accept the good things about me rather than dwell on everything that I perceive as bad.  That is going to be a toughy but yesterday to celebrate my progress I had a much needed Jaclyn day out and about.  I spoiled myself by finding some rings and a new dress, and pampered myself by getting my brows cleaned and shaped.  It was very emotional up and down day since this was my first outing since the hospital.  I need to do more of these as it feels good to be authentic and happy inside. 

So today I am choosing to pick myself up a little and take a small step back.  Being trans is not an easy journey nor is a straight line I see now.  But hopefully as the sun shines and brings flowers I will too someday bloom as well.