hopeless

How do you deal with waking up each day with a body that you have so much hate towards and a physical appearance that you obsess over how vile it is. Having the only love of your life to be embarrassed and ashamed of you to the point of any little thing being a passive comment of how wrong you are. Knowing that this is not healthy but also knowing you’d rather die than to be alone and apart of them. This pain and stress continues to wear me down each day to the point there is no way out. I hate this life and so jealous of you who have your s&it together here. I am a horrible mistake.

Struggle Within

Just came across an old poem of mine that still resonates with me and I wanted to publish it here before losing it again. 

Struggle Within 

I stare deeply off to the far horizon 

Watery vision only comes to me 

I wonder why I can never move forward 

I wonder why I can never be free

It hurts so deeply, so quietly within 

I feel so alone, a freak to hide away 

To be a shame for those I love

To be a false promise to them each day

I don't fit into boxes, I don't comply at all 

I don't really know where to begin

Each day the battle rages on, 

An eternal struggle within 

At day end I run away 

Lack the courage to make a change 

To become the real me 

Instead of this foolish charade

I desperately need some tender shoulder to embrace 

Some caring hand to direct the right way 

I've gone down so many wrong turns that I'm turned all about

This is the hell that I am destined to stay 

On the verge of giving up 

I keep hoping for sun 

Praying for this circle to break 

Praying for somewhere to run

I can't keep inside the pain I feel much longer 

And the fear that I am just a mistake

I struggle each day within myself

Too much for me to take.

bottom

I'm turning here to write because I am unable to turn to anywhere else. Today I have no motivation to live anymore and just feel completely dead inside. I take that back, I don't really feel anything inside but just a hollow shell. I have no sense of identity, no sense of being and no idea what I am or want. I've tried to explain this to people and they don't really listen but try to argue more with me until I lash out in anger and hopelessness that it will ever get any better. It won't bacause I can't let it and I can't control why I am this way. I am just broken, worthless and at my end. I don't have anywhere to turn to anymore but just to sit her and cry in the misery I wrought. I know what I need to do but just can't take that final step. I don't know anything anymore.