Thursday, October 20, 2016

living with identity disorder

Hello blog,

As someone dealing with a lifetime of gender confusion and dsyphoria, I found myself once again sitting in therapy unable to find the correct words to explain these continuous feelings that permeate my thoughts.

For those of the 'normal' population that don't really think about their gender this probably seems quite frivolous and not make alot of sense.  For those like myself that spend hours laying awake at night thinking how much better their life would be if they were born into the other gender's physical form, simply stated this whole thing sucks and is something that I would never wish upon anyone.

Living like this is a constant struggle, no matter what I try to do to logically accept the body I was born into I just loathe looking at myself from any angle.  I have gotten to the point that I get dressed/undressed anymore inside our walk-in closet not because I am trying to hide from others but to avoid seeing myself naked in the large mirror in our bedroom vanity.  I am embarrassed and disgusted by my appearance and while this may seem shallow, I struggle so much to feel good inside because how I feel I look on the outside.

I don't really know how to explain the hours spent looking in a mirror and trying to visualize things that you know others don't really see there.  Or how just putting on women's clothes makes me feel at ease and beautiful inside.  There is something so liberating and freeing just stepping outside and being Jaclyn in the world that I can't explain, it just feels good and right to me.

If I could bottle those feelings up for these days when life doesn't allow me to come out I would spend everything for it.  It just seem to gets so much harder every time to get that genie back into the bottle once I finally let myself to be free.

I don't know how much longer I can continue to walk this line balancing between two worlds.  I feel each day is a new fight between the mind and the heart and it is eating me from within.

I don't really know much who I am anymore and who I want to be.  I don't really know much of anything except I need help.


Wednesday, October 12, 2016

post-national coming out day

Good morning blog,

Having my coffee here this morning and taking a few moments to collect my thoughts before starting another work day.

Specifically I was browsing the web and reading posts for friends celebrating yesterday's national coming out day.  It is a bittersweet feeling looking at their smiles and sharing their thoughts here.  I am so happy and proud of each and everyone that stood up in his or her own way and proclaimed to the world that I am me and I am proud of whom I am.  It also leaves a bit of despair here in my heart wishing that I would be there with them.

Unfortunately life is really messy at times and I am not yet to the step to share Jaclyn with more than a few guarded close friends.  So instead I was thinking it would be real nice to have some website or online blog to share my own coming out in a more anonymous safe way.  I am guessing that this would be probably counter to the whole idea of coming out, but hey for now this is the best I can be.  So here goes it.

I am Jaclyn, I am strong and not ashamed anymore of who I am.  I am trans and I am an individual with feelings and not someone just to be associated with a pronoun.  I may look different from others, but inside I love and cry and share and care just like everyone else.  I am going to be me and free these chains that hold me back someday, and I am proud of myself.

Well that felt good.  I know it was really so little in the face of all my sisters and brothers who actually state these things out loud, but I promise I am working on it so that I can join them someday.


Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Tiny little steps

Hello blog,

It has been a tiring past week as I have felt in crisis mode once again.  I know that it is not a reasonable place to be at all the time but I feel like I am powerless sometimes over things and sliding further and further down.  Where exactly that is to I have no clue and wish someone would tell me.

So yesterday I embarked on making a few tiny steps once again.  I spent time getting into Jaclyn mode and then spend the entire hour with my counselor talking about what the next steps I should take and what things will happen after them.

I'd be a total liar if I didn't say I was scared shitless. Prospects either direction look fraught with tragedy and irreversible decisions even without me being the drama queen I am.  I decided and actually made another appointment with the gender clinic to discuss hrt and whether it is right or not for me.  I feel like I owe it to myself to understand this and to get some professional opinion even if it is not the answer I want to hear.  There was a very kind doctor I visited with last time at the clinic so I made sure I would see him again this time.  He is popular so that will postpone the appointment until November but that is okay since it will give me a month to get my self in order.

And the biggest thing I need to get in order is saying out loud the things I feel in my heart.  It is one thing to type out that I feel like I was born a mistake and want help to learn how to become a woman on an anonymous blog like this, and another thing to actually say that to ones I love and cherish.  I keep things so closed and inside me that times like this I wish I had someone to share coffee with and to hug me and give me some good advice, but that requires a two-way friendship which I am not very good at.

So when I do manage to vocalize my feelings, do I really know what that statement means or how much things are going to change or how I am going to accomplish it?  Not one damn idea of it. God I wish I had a machine to look into the future as that would help me sleep alot better rather than spend each night worrying and hoping how things will turn out.

So that's about it, I have a month here to get myself prepared to figure out what I am going to do next. Sounds pathetic when I type this out but I guess that is where I am at this moment.  I think the biggest step is to be true and honest with my wife on my feelings and I am so scared of the rejection again of telling her where I am.  She seemed to be ok with the gender dsyphoria when we didn't talk about it, and this will be way past the line of talking.  I know that I owe it to her and to me to come clean, it just seems like such a daunting task to do.