Wednesday, November 18, 2015

thankful for little things

Good morning blog,

I thought I'd take a few minutes today from the hectic pace of life to put down some random words that have been floating around here.

Clarity of where I am and where I'm going is still as murky as possible which drives a planner like me nuts.  I do get a few moments of peace to dream and wish about things and slowly feel like some progress is being made.

I'm enjoying having the t-blockers in my system as I feel that my body is getting rid of some of that yucky male stuff.  I can't say I notice a big difference as I was never very muscular or shaped as a man, but I do see some subtle differences which I am not sure are real or imagined.  I have been trying to take better care of my skin and notice that it is softer but I think the exfoliate and lotion routine is to attribute to that.

I also took the next stop to set up an appointment at the clinic to discuss adding estrogen to my regimen.  Unfortunately with the holidays approaching and schedules, I won't be able to make that happen until after the New Year.

I am not sure how I will respond to that, but I do know what I wish for. I want to stop living a lie, to just be how I want and embrace my feelings and dreams.   I'm dreaming of making that hard step to transition, to be a woman but I don't know what that means.  Its akin to wanting to swim 2 miles while you are on the shore and don't know how to swim.  I am so eager to dive in and get going but fear of sinking right to the bottom and drowning keeps me on the side.  There is so many questions and fears that I have and wish I had just one good friend to talk with everyday to figure this all out.  But I'm shy and timid and not able to reach out.  So that's the dilemma.

So I will continue on and be thankful that I have so much that I take for granted here.     The holidays are coming and then soon a new year and resolutions will follow.  I'm not sure what I will do, but I do know what I am wishing for.


Thursday, October 29, 2015

reflects from week1

Good morning,

Alot has happened with me in the past month yet I feel somedays that things are going much slower than I like.  Sort of a contradiction of things as I was reminded that transformation implies something that takes time.  Patience is a virtue that I lack at times.

As I am nearing the end of my first week on t-blockers, I am not sure if I really notice many changes yet besides the urge to run to the washroom more frequently.  I have been trying to up my water intake as well so that may be contributing to that.  Emotionally, I have felt a little more calm thinking how my body is removing that yucky hormone but besides that I feel roughly the same.  I haven't thought about suicide much the past few days so perhaps subtle changes in my mental state are happening below my perception. I don't know really, and I guess what I have accept is that there is so much that I don't have any idea about.

I have been writing a bit but nothing too good.  I will share a quick verse here and perhaps come back to this at a later date.


Drifting through the clear blue sky,
Shapes transforming to my eye,
Sit transfixed staring up am I,
As the peaceful cloud passes slowly by.

Where it came from, where it goes?
I could stare all day and never know,
But does that matter even so,
Briefly flourishing and later gone.

Why do I look ahead, dwell on behind
Why can't I enjoy today for all I find?
I feel like the cloud drifting away,
My shape transforming with a new day,

I'm ready to fly I'm ready to learn,
To become the best person I can discern,
I need someone to release me please
Freedom, beauty, please be me.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Starting down the path

Good morning blog,

There is a famous saying that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.  That pretty much sums my attitude up this morning.

I finally faced some of my biggest fears in acceptance and walked into the local gender clinic this past week to discuss how to start becoming free.  Perhaps I don't really know exactly what free will look like to me but it has to be better than this muddling indecision that has plagued me.

I have started to pursue my dream of transition.  I left with a plan and a prescription for testosterone blockers to see how that makes me feel.  I want to be me and I want to be free.

God I hope I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life.  Wish me luck.


Friday, October 16, 2015

my coming out (again)

Good morning blog,

I'm feeling a bit anxious this morning thinking that next week at this time will be the start of Jaclyn's second coming out to the world.  I broke down with fear and depression yesterday and ended up sobbing on the phone to my therapist about how scared the path ahead seems to me. I feel so frightened and alone at times here that it helps to have this blog or someone to reach out to at times. Today has started a little better but I am sure I will start dwelling on things once again and cycling through the emotions.  I am such a little drama queen at times.

Anyhow, I have mapped out my day next Friday or at least through the afternoon part of it.  I am going to debut my new look and if things go well stop at a store and pick out some feminine glasses so I don't have to keep blindly fumbling around because of my vanity.  But really the mountain ahead will be my appointment at the gender clinic, and I have been busy trying to write down my thoughts that I want to say there.  Below is my current draft as the more I write this and read and put it out there the more I feel better about coming out.  Silly I know but its all the little tiny movements that result in a big step forward.  Anyways, here it is as of today:

Dr xxxx,

Thank you so much for seeing me today, it means alot to me to hopefully find someone I can talk with that understands. I feel like I have spent most of my life hating myself and hiding away.  It feels so good to finally be out and open and talking freely to you even though I know this is a safe and sheltered environment.  I just want to be free and be me and feel good about it.

I have dealt with the feelings inside that I was not born right for a very long time, and for awhile I felt that this need had gone away for good.  It hasn't, but only has gotten worse. In the past six or seven years I have had these feelings return a little at first and I started to accept that I feel better about myself as Jaclyn than in my male body.  When I look in the mirror I sometimes see Jaclyn, I sometimes see John and if I concentrate on my maleness I honestly feel sick and disgusted inside.  I hate that I cannot be happy with what I was born with, and would cut and tear about this body if that would make it better.  

I have gotten to the point now that I find myself obsessing over Jaclyn so much that I have trouble concentrating at work or at home, and spend several hours awake every night thinking about it.  I feel totally confused and pathetic to the point that I know nothing about how difficult and perhaps ridiculous my life would be as Jaclyn.

In fact, I realize that I don't really know much nor do I really know what I want.  I don't know what you would consider me - a cross-dresser, gender dsyphoria, suppressed homosexual, etc. and perhaps that is why I am flailing around in life,  It hurts to feel like I need to continue to live two different lives and deny one of them.  I have come out to my family a little over two years ago about my feelings, but for us to remain intact this part of myself cannot exist.  In the last few months I have felt totally lost and depressed about my life, and I have seriously considered suicide and made plans for this often.

I feel like my life is totally out of control, and I am so so looking for help to fix me.  Please help.

So that's the general gist.  I am still rewriting and will probably end up being rather verbose, but it feels good to get it out there.  I just don't know where that is or where it is going.

Confused as ever.  Hugs, Jaclyn

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

not apologizing

Hello blog,
Feeling like crap today.  Not going to apologize or try to pretend I'm not, I just woke up feeling like my life's one big mistake once again.
I hate myself and keep thinking about just ending it all.  That's the thing with being depressed to the point of actually thinking suicide, it seems like something that always exists out there lurking in the back of the mind as a peaceful exit ramp to use in case of emergency.
I think more and more of this exit ramp, but don't have the stones to go through any more than a half-hearted attempt like a month ago,  I don't know, just feel like crap today.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Changes in the air

As the temperature dipped this morning, I was reminded that autumn was arriving once again.  I found the change in seasons kind of symbolic as I have been personally mulling over several changes in my wee little head here as well.

To start with, I have decided that I need to accept and move forward with myself here.  I made an appointment once again with the local gender clinic for a few weeks from now that I resolve that I am going to keep.  Yes I am scared shitless and anxiously excited and started a countdown of days here. I know this date I will keep obsessing over here, but really I have so much trouble focusing on much of anything else lately it seems.

Another big change I have decided to try and new hairstlye.  Again I am very nervous and excited and am going to try and go with bob in a natural blonde color.  I am trying to coordinate my outfits and thinking perhaps I need something new to match here.  This feels like another big leap of faith but at least I know I can always go back to the original look here.

Anyways, that is the latest in the swirl of things that is Jaclyn's world today.  I am holding my breath and hoping things end up in a better place than today.  I am just good with change but know it is a necessary thing.


Thursday, September 17, 2015

hello, i am Jaclyn

This is the true me, and I am tired of trying to pretend what I am not. I feel inside that I should have been born a woman, and am not going to apologize anymore for having these feelings.  I am whom I am, and I am ready to embrace myself.

This feels so good to write and even better to say out loud.  Even though the only one to hear me were the walls of my automobile, I just came back from having a good cry and allowing myself to feel.  And these feelings and thoughts are even stronger and stronger inside me for allowing them out.  I don't know where I go from here, but it is time to destroy the facade.  Yes, I'm scared shitless out of my wits and my anxiety is off the charts on what the future may hold. I just need the strength to follow through, it hurts so much to think of not anymore.

I am Jaclyn, I have strong emotions and feelings and I am not wrong for this.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Cycling again

Good morning blog,

I feel alone and confused today as I am having trouble focusing on much this morning outside of my gender issues.  I have been feeling like this most days recently as if my brain is stuck in some never-ending loop and I seem to forget some of the most simple things because of my lack of concentration.

Yesterday when I went for a walk to try and cope with this, I ended up finding myself routing past the local goodwill store and exiting there with a new pair of shoes and shirt.  Later when I was alone I had to try them on and I felt like an ashamed alcoholic sneaking a drink while I sat and relaxed away in a distant corner of my home.  Still that relapse was not enough as I spent a long time awake last night just thinking how good it would feel to wake up and be able to join society as a woman and then fret about how that will never happen.  And so goes the endless cycle that seems to curse my waking and non-waking thoughts each day.

Really if anything this morning I feel overwhelmed and confused in trying to understand what it all means.  I read almost anything I can around gender dsyphoria and hrt, and really question more and more what I am.  The clinical definition of 'unease with ones gender' seems to me like someone saying we aren't really sure exactly how to diagnose this so we are going to create some generic definition to let up to someone else to interpret.  Yeah, thanks again for nothing there.

So I read further and this time looked to blogs and books written by trans folks to try and get better insights.  This was much more informative as there were several personal accounts that I could relate to such as 'feel like I can only concentrate on gender issues', 'feeling like observing life and not really a part of things', 'hating and wishing not to have been born with one's genitals' and 'feeling the need to present as the non-biological gender even without understanding the reason that this is so important' that I agree with.  But then there are some statements for people that are not really dsyphoric but are cross-dressers that I get confused upon such as 'dress on occassion only' or 'do it for some sexual gratification'.  Well, I rarely get the chance to be Jaclyn in the real world and I will admit that I enjoy the attention of any men that I may receive as her.  I considered this as a part to understanding Jaclyn was to be open to all experiences as her including sexual ones so this brings more doubt to me.

Finally, I continue to spend hours reading material around Hrt and gender dsyphoria try to determine if this would be right for me.  In one place I saw that she determined that she was gender dysphoric when she started hormones as that cleared up alot of confusion she struggled with.  This trial by fire method seems a bit risky as what if it is right but when one starts they don't feel the reassurance right away or what if it seems right because one wants it to be.  Then I read stories about those who have gone forward and have regretted the decision later and write about how this is the last resort one should choose and how this should be considered in the background of cheerleaders and online supporters that seem to be proponents for transitioning.

So, really I am still here, and don't know what I'll do and scared as hell to do anything or to not do anything at all.  Its sad and depressing and makes me want to go and buy more shoes to forget about things.  I feel so screwed up in this world.


Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Thoughts for tomorrow

I saw a butterfly lying on its side
I watched the leaves to turn to gold
I wondered why some things must end
I wonder where the summer goes

I thought about that butterfly
The amazing sights her journey revealed
I pondered if in she planned ahead
For the adventures still concealed

Of friendships made and sometimes ended
Love once lost and hearts on the mend
Was the journey worth her pain
To leave behind family and friends

As she fluttered her wings now slowly
Her story and trials shared with me
I saw the rare beauty she possessed
And the splendor she had freed

I know now that she has no regrets
I know her journey now is mine
I saw a butterfly lying on its side
And a tear fell from my eye

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

scared and anxious

Good morning blog,

I've been doing alot of thinking lately about my gender dsyphoria (actually it seems like the only thing I am focusing on) and think I have made a decision to follow thorough with the clinic on discussing hrt.

I am not sure how to describe my mental state most times these days. I feel on edge or pre-occupied or something restless as my mind circles and circles back again on the realization that I am not right.  I find myself loathing my body more and disgusted by hair and other masculine traits and just wishing that I was born female. I feel jittery, then angry, then slide into a deep well of depression every day when I think of these things.  Yet I do nothing about it, and my thoughts of just ending everything seem to increase with my inability to do anything.

I feel so lost and pathetic, but most of all I am scared.

I am scared of what I want to be.
I am scared of what this will mean to everyone I love.
I am scared of losing everything and hitting the bottom.
I am scared that things really won't work out right, and I will never fit in.
I am scared on if I am really wrong about my feelings.

I went and visited my counselor last time as Jaclyn, and I so want her to start helping Jaclyn.  I don't really know how to ask her this and I am fearful on not being able to do what she suggests.  I feel so embarrassed and ashamed at these thoughts but I am so needing the time to relax and be free,

Just typing these thoughts I am finding are difficult to do.  I printed out directions to howard brown today and want to ask my counselor to go with me to an appointment there.  I fear and know that what I am expecting from switching hormone levels in my body are going to be different that reality. I just want some peace as these thoughts and obsessions are relentless and seem to be the only thing I focus on.

I am so scared to take a leap into the unknown.  Too scared to write anymore.

Friday, September 4, 2015

The true me

I look in the mirror
Don't see what you do
I wish you'd understand
What I see there is true

I hate my own body
It makes me all sick
Want to hit and scream and shout
To get rid of the ick

This isn't some fetish
No abuse when I was young
No one made me feel this way
It's who I am I've known all along

I hate how I was made
I hate how I appear
I hate hiding away
I hate living in fear
I want to let it all out
I want to release my soul
I want to emancipate myself
I want to feel the real me

It hurts so much each day
Paralyzed even to speak
I want to tell you how I feel
To show you I'm no freak

I wish to follow my dreams
I know how destructive they are
To release my trapped soul
To follow my star

I hope that someday
You'll finally understand
I had no choice in all of this
And finally see I'm not a man

Thursday, September 3, 2015

I'm not crazy

Hello blog,

I just was reading the story about how parents were trying to issue a stop order for a beautiful young woman that will be undergoing SRS in New Hope, PA.  The thing that ticked me off about the unfortunate situation with her parents (really there were many in that article) was that they were trying to use the group on mental incompetence to issue the stop warrant.

As I have been dealing with therapists and members of the mental health community concerning my seeming uncurable depression and anxiety, I was very angry just this week when talking with a doctor concerning my dsyphoria and how he treated it like a mental illness.  I understand that including it in the DSM IV has some beneficial implications in terms of getting the backward american insurance companies and medical community to allow transgender individuals to make things right.  But what I hate is how it seems that because I have dsyphoria I am mentally sick.

Really, I function quite well and feel that I have above average intelligence thank you.  I don't feel my dsyphoria causes me to lose all focus and not be able to cope with things as I have dealt with this my whole life.  And from the other girls I have met in similar situation they seem really mentally stable and well-being especially when they can be in touch with themselves without the world's prejudice.

To me, it honestly feels like the majority of the mental health community is lacking an understanding of gender identity and is either filled with pre-conceived notions that this is some fetish brought on my parental issues or that it is a state of mental instability.  I know this because I have tried to talk and find someone in that community near me that understands and can help with gender dsyphoria to no such luck as of yet.  And I live in a large suburban area with many practicing mental health professionals, I shudder to think of all the issues that someone in a rural community would face.

Just last month when my pysch asked me what medication I think I should be on and I responded t-blockers, it was like deer in the headlights expression he returned.  Then he told me that he didn't even know what ones were and why anyone would even want this.  And he is the supposed transgender specialist in this office!  The rest of the session I felt as if he treated me like I was totally insane to have this feelings and I left feeling so angry, hurt and misunderstood.  I may return just to keep my anti-depressant prescription to deal with my other issues, but I resent having to go back there.

So yes, I am feeling pissed off and angry with this world.  If I hear another person ask me how I feel about Catilyn Jenner because they feel her situation and mine are the same I may just go off.  And while I do not know alot of things in this world, I know I am not crazy.

I'm just lost and sad and trapped in a body I never wanted.  That is not crazy, that is me just accepting and knowing inside who I am.

Friday, August 14, 2015

my dysphoria

I have gender dysphoria. I know this and didn't want to be born with this.  But it is, so I try to deal with it.

I don't know how to explain this condition to anyone else outside of it, and battling against it can be so defeating and depressing. When I mention transgender to people I love, they picture the Rocky picture horror show or Caitlyn Jenner and tell me they respect them for being them, but don't really want to share or accept it as part of their lives. I am told that I am confused and my feeling are really inherent childhood trauma that I have never addressed. I don't know what is right.

I find myself sleeping less and less these days, laying awake at night processing all these thoughts of how my life would be if I really spent it as Jaclyn 24/7.  I hate my naked body when I shower and get dressed in the morning, and think about my dysphoria on the drive in to work. The first thing I need to do is to turn to start my day is to turn my computer to look at pictures of me as Jaclyn, and then I try to escape into this world throughout the day if I have am moment to think.  If I get a chance in the evening, I spend time browsing retail sites looking at clothes or even transgender sites looking for support. This routine is so tiring.

I see women around me and worry that they think I am checking them out when really I am admiring their outfits and trying to learn how to coordinate as well as them.  If one of my female co-workers just had a manicure or has cute shoes on, I so much want to go up and tell them how good they look and then live in fear of the repercussions that such a statement would make.  I even find myself trying to imitate their gait if I am alone and trailing far enough behind them. I feel ashamed and guilty about this behavior but still do it.

I don't know where to turn to anymore. I have tried so many therapists and have gotten some many prescriptions for anti-depressants.  I have tried to come out to my family and was rejected, purged and re-bought, been caught trying to dress in stealth and have hidden and put up a wall between my feelings and my family.  I can't let anyone into my world because I know they will conclude that I am certifiably crazy.  I have digressed into self harming behaviors, and have planned and started to act on suicide to the point that I have scared myself that I have gone to far.

My world is so pathetic and sad, and I can't stop from sitting and crying and playing the victim.  I know all this and the should dos I have heard many time.  I would do them if I could, but I can't.  I am so low and so defeated and so worn out from all of this.

Yet, I still start another day here dwelling on my condition and trying to escape into and out of my world.  I don't think I could talk to anyone in person about my feelings so I write them here.  I want some friendship and understanding and scared in reaching out to try.

I feel so hopeless.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015


Hello blog,
I am feeling absolutely miserably depressed today and I can't stop it. It got me to the point where I was sitting in the car and not able to do anything but cry and feel shameful about it.

How do you deal when others tell you are worth something when it just makes you feel worse that you can't see any possible way that could be true? I give up on all this and I have given up on me.

The part of me that is logical told me to write some letters to leave to those important in my life to try and explain why I felt I couldn't go on any longer. I wrote three letters and then realized there was no one else close to me.  Made me feel more pathetic that over 40 years on this dumb planet and I probably only impacted the lives of 3 people.

My head throbs now and I don't have any strength to continue much longer. I guess if this is my last post I will say good-bye as Jaclyn and hope if anyone ever stumbles upon this drivel that they have a better life than I did.

Good-bye for now and maybe forever, Jaclyn

Sunday, July 26, 2015

What a wonderful week

Greetings blog,

It has been a long hiatus for writing as I was going through some personal crisis once again. I don't know I get myself so far down the road and not learn any better, but I guess some habits are hard to break.

The biggest one is not being me.  This past week I had some time to spend in touch with myself and it was wonderful.  Just the coming down from it is so very hard that I need to write to remember my highs.

I got a chance to do a little shopping, work on putting some outfits together and to go out to a club and mingle with some other local girls.  It was pure bliss of the freedom to be myself and to feel good.  It was my second time out with the local group and everyone was so understanding and nice.  It is so good not to feel alone and even better to be able to share it person with another understanding and caring soul. I talked with another girl and saw pictures of her at the pride parade last month.  How incredible that experience would be!

Even better than my night out though was my personal day that I took off and spent the entire day as Jaclyn.  I am still crying inside on how incredible that felt.

It was so nice to wake up, get out my clothes, shower and get dressed for the day as Jaclyn.  I did a little work and then went out and drove around a bit.  I had made a redezvous with another girl for the afternoon and that was fantastic.  She was so very sweet and made me tear up when seeing her for the first time she brought me some flowers and shared some heartfelt wishes to make the day wonderful.  I could hardly believe anyone could do something for someone as me and it was so unexpected.  We meet in a local hotel and talked a bit on our past experiences and how difficult it was to move beyond closed doors.  We tried on some outfits together and helped each work on some fashion tips, looked at some pictures and talked and talked.  There is something being with someone else that shares the same fears, the same feelings of having to keep yourself hidden from the world that when you connect it feels like all emotions flowing out at once.  She was so sweet and caring and I only wish I could return a bit of how great she made me feel.

After our experience, I felt emotionally spent so I drove around a bit and ended up a park to sit and reflect.  Once of the things I thought most about was how I would need to put Jaclyn away again for awhile and how much that hurt.  I don't know why I push myself for that high because coming down just tears me up inside.  Today is rough transitioning back to world where Jaclyn hides from and I never know how much longer I can keep this up.  I wish I knew what to do, but I will try to lift up my chin and shoulder on I guess.

In the meantime, I am going to attach some pictures from my week so I can come back here to reflect and feel the warmth of the memories of a fun week of freedom.

Pic of me out with the local group

Friday, June 12, 2015


Dear blog,
Today I feel like I am hitting a new low.
I feel like I am totally losing everything including my sanity and don't know where to turn. I've tried to reach out to my therapist, my family, my virtual friends but nothing is working.
I feel so distraught and anxious and like my life is one big pile of steaming cow manure.
I hate myself and cry and cut trying to get better but nothing helps.
I feel so lost.
I feel so hopeless and tearing up trying to get my thoughts down here right now.
I want so really really really badly just to say f## it world and dress and become the woman I feel is in me.
And I don't want to do that right now really really badly as well.
I am certifiably 100% completely looney tunes nutso. I can find doctors to affirm that.
I just got done cutting my arms and I am still scratching and anxious and need to do more.
God I hate myself so much. And I feel so alone.
Noone in this world really knows the real me and those I've tried to tell reject me for that.
I hate this!!!!
I feel I can't go one and struggle just to make it to the next day. I stare at my sleeping pills or hold a bag over my head or imagine just driving into a wall.  I just may do that. So much.
I need to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm so pathethic and alone and afraid and I haven't done anything in my life.
I just don't know anymore.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015


Hello blog,

Yes I am still here despite some of my dire posts recently which I am ashamed about.  I still feel somedays really in that dark place and not able to go on much further, but also feel rather silly and foolish for several of my posts.

Anyways, I met with my counselor yesterday and a word that she kept repeating seemed to stick in my warped wee little brain - authenticate.  What does that really mean and I am totally lost on what the authentic me really is.  I don't think I am alone in that struggle but it is a scary and confusing thing to try and figure out for oneself and even more to accept it.

So that has been what I was thinking of staring at the ceiling last night because I can't honestly remember when last I was able just to go to sleep or have normal thoughts like everyone else.  So I wrote this poem about it, and wanted to put it down before I lost my thoughts.

Spend each day pretending to be,
Some acceptable form for people to see,
To much cowardice to accept the real me,
Is it time to authenticate?

Wake each day feeling so hopeless,
Running from mirrors, hiding to dress,
No matter how good, always under duress,
Is it time to authenticate?

Each time I've tried I've only end up scared,
Of things I know not who, when or where,
The truth I hide and never do want to share,
Should I finally come clean?

I'm at my end, I have no other escape,
I've tried to bend but no at my break,
Things I pretend I can no longer fake,
I think its time for me to authenticate.

Authenticate.  Authenticate.
To stop pretending to stop being fake.
To stop believing I was born a mistake,
To stop hating myself every move I make,
To stop lying and to accept my eventual fate,
To stop refusing my true self before its too late,
To stop dreaming and time for that first step to take,
I think it is time for me to authenticate. Authenticate.


Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Why continue?

Hello blog,

I know its been awhile since I last wrote, but really I have lost most of my interest in this. I just feel like I need somewhere to talk and vent this morning so I have reverted back here.
I spent some time last night looking at myself in the mirror until I felt that sickly feeling inside and could no longer stand it anymore. I know that I hate myself in terms of the way I look on the outside, but last night I realized I totally hate myself on the inside much more.  I think that's what really made me curl up and hide away and cry and then hate more for being that way.  My life is such a farce and a waste and I am so unable to ever get better.  Therapy doesn't work, pills don't and pretending that it will all pass and get better is another lie that I try hold on to for naught.  I've had someone tell me that I need to just make a decision and go from there and I have, I am not going to keep going for much longer at all. It is just bleak, pathetic and a total waste to pretend otherwise. So I'm giving up, I don't care and screw everything else that I've royally made a mess of in this life.

Right now, I am trying to decide which way to end it which of course being as indecisive as me means making a long list and then contemplating the right one over and over.  I want to avoid anything that would cause someone else to feel bad about (i.e walking into traffic, jumping in front of a train) and I think guns are the worst things in the world so that may limit some options.  Still there are so many ways that come to mind that I spent last night awake thinking about.  Here are the ones that I have so I can make sure I look and chose the right path

1. Probably my favorite right now, is a tasty mix of wine, sleeping pills and a warm bath. Sounds so pleasant and peaceful
2. My romantic idea - drive all the way out to California or somewhere and just jump off a pier far from land.  As the sun goes down so do I
3. Take a quick fall from a high place somewhere.  I am thinking I would chicken out from this one.
4. Here's an old favorite  popularized by Socrates, mix myself up some hemlock and water and find an old tree to fall asleep under philospying
5.  Drive headlong into a barrier or something.  This one comes to mind when driving home some nights.
6.  The Robin Williams way - a belt or bag of something to cut off the old breathing.  If it worked for Popeye and Ms. Doubtfire why not me
7.  Light up the night, go to a gas station and drench myself in gasoline and have a cigarette.
8.  Pretend to fall down the stairs by taking a swan dive - worried that I may only hurt myself with this one
9.  Rock and roll method - go find a good fix of something good and overdo it.  Worked for Janice and Jimi.
10.  Death by cop - just need to figure out how to have them shoot me. Probably violates my rule about making someone feel bad about killing me
11.  Toast and suds - take the toaster with me to a bath
12.  Slash - The old fashion wrist cuts - I haven't gone deep enough before but I am thinking it would feel good to do that
13.  Park and snooze - sleeping pills, a running car and a garage.  Damn we drive hybrid vehicles so they would probably shut off before stopping.  Maybe I can rent an older car for this.
14.  Kill myself to drink - via leaving las vegas - just go a drinking only bender there for a month.  Could be fun.
15.  Tasty treat - I sure I can find something good to mix with some brownies or cake or whatnot that would do the trick.
16.  Clean the pipes - I quick shot or tow of liquid plumber should do the trcik. Might be hard to swallow, should I just inject it instead
17.  Break my neck - is it possible for someone to do this to themselves.  It seems like a simple thing in some of those action spy movies to do that I think you could do this somehow.
18.   Hug a electrical wire - or something like that.  I am sure if I look I could find somewhere to do this.  Perhaps a shower before hand to help the old current out, I think it would smell afterwards though
19.  Into the wild - travel somewhere remote and just stay there until the end.  Kind of a good idea I could bring a feel journals to pass the time away as I do
20.  Clean up - A good mixture of bleach and ammonia should do the trick.  Spend some time with my head in the bucket for good there
21.  Charcoal - I heard a good grilling in someplace closed should make for pleasant dreams
22.  Grand canyon - probably a variation of above but someplace I am told is grand and not hard to "accidently" fall over the edge
23.  Natural disaster - is this possible - chase down a tornado and go to it.  Probably too hollywood and tough to time
24.  Man-made disaster - I am sure a surbubanite like me would have no probably going into the inner city and upsetting the wrong crowd.  A few insults towards a gang member should work
25.  Stroke out - is it possible to induce a heart attack or stroke.  I would think if you work hard enough you could do something but have to worry about involuntary responses here.

Well, I am a bit disappointed that I thought I had more than 25 ideas last night but maybe some of these are variations on a theme. Nonetheless, this gives me a good starting point to contemplate for later.  I wonder if there is a suicide for dummies book I can find.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

I hate myself

Hello blog,

I continue to feel really down these days but since my therapist thought it would be good to write again I am adding another entry.  Despite how I feel that I just want to curl up and die somewhere anonymously I still don't have the strength to go quite through with the act. I can keep cutting myself and counting out sleeping pills but somewhere in the brain stem of my messed up head I stop just short each time.

I wish I had some resolution or some good news or a more positive outlook but I do not.  It's like being trans and knowing that I will continue to be this way no matter how many purges, denials and hours I spend trying to be what I am not.

So where am I at then? I don't really know and don't think I have made any progress and ashamed of that. I just feel so pathetic and empty and just ready to give up.

I hate myself so much it just hurts.

Friday, February 13, 2015


I see myself walking across a deserted bridge,
The wind blowing my hair but feeling no breeze,
I see myself looking down to the emptiness below,
All my troubles gone  I'm finally at ease

Lost in thought I feel the sweet embrace,
My hands are up reaching for the sky,
I open my eyes and see the years pass by slowly now,
Wasted hope and dreams, for these I cannot cry,

My struggles gone, I sink to the bottom now,
The quietness of my eternal solitude surrounds me,
Just one last thing to do now forever more,
Just one large breath and time to be finally free.

That about sums up how I feel right now and I think it is time to depart.  I'm sorry for all the trouble, pain and hurt I've caused in this world.  Wish I was stronger.  Good-bye forever. Jaclyn

Friday, January 16, 2015

another small step forward..

Good morning blog,

I originally titled this entry first step taken although when I reflected in reality I have taken many, many tiny steps to get to this point thus far.  The least of which involve finally moving past all the years of shame and guilt and denial to finally accept that I'm me and that regardless of society that is not bad.  Step 1: understanding and acceptance check, now time to do something about it.

And doing something for me is measured on a glacial scale.  I tend to analyze, analyze, over-analyze and analyze again any decision like this which probably is maddening to everyone I know.  It's just the way I do things and I wish I had the ability to trust my gut and just go with it more often.  But finally I've done something that I can report.  My gender dysphoria or body incompatability has finally gotten too much and I need something to calm me down inside.  I just can't keep going on and on with my mind and body at war with each other and I have decided to follow my heart and start hrt.  I made my first appointment for a 3 weeks from Monday to give myself time to enjoy a last family vacation together if this step turns as I fear to be the final straw in my current situation.  Am I scared? Shitless I am.  Do I think the decision is worth the consequences?  Probably not but I cannot do this.  Am I certifiably crazy?  Well, I let those so called experts do he judging as I am tired of that.

So that is it. Probably to most others in my situation I am making a huge fuss over a molehill here but for me this is a big step.  I don't expect my appearance on the outside to change greatly but I am praying so much that it will help me find some peace on the inside.  I am hoping that as I start this next step I can also find someone in RL that I can confide and share with as I could sure use that girlfriend to have coffee or share shopping trips with so much.

Anxious, scared, happy, and a bunch of emotions here.  I'm starting to cross off days on the calendar.
Hugs, Jaclyn    

Friday, January 2, 2015

Happy New Year 2015

Happy New Years 2015 blog!

Well, it is a little late but that is due to having to have to spend the end of the last year in a hospital having a kidney stone removed.  Not the ending I would have wished for, but it did give me alot of time for self inventory and reflection for the future.

The first thought I am going to try and remedy for the future is to try and be more positive.  Or at least to not be as suicidally depressed as much as I am. I am so tired of all the energy of self-loathing and trying to hurt myself.  I am going to start by trying to compliment people as often as I can (problem a little too much of course) and then try to compliment myself a little bit.  And not on the outside physical characteristics but on my internal self emotions and feelings as well.

Secondly, I spent a long time recollecting my feelings as Jaclyn and trying to decide what to do next year. I have been trading emails with some other transgender individuals lately and have trouble relating to how they feel fine having both a male and female personality.  For me, I just wish I could get rid of my maleness altogether in both appearance and personality.  I can only look in a mirror when I imagining how nice it would be to have smooth skin, or a more angular chin or cleaner brows, etc.   Honestly inside I do feel more and more that my brain is overwhelming female regardless what the outside wrapper says it should be.

Which leads me back to the quandry that I have been stuck at for so long.  Where to go forward as in 2015 and beyond.  Is it possible to be happy being a non-transitioning transgender? Do I have the strength to leave all my friends and family to embrace those ideas deep down inside me that I am too scared to let go of?  Am I just being totally foolish on everything and making the biggest mistake of my life? I dunno.

What I am going to resolve to do is to talk this through with someone.  I have found a place that I am going to drop by here that I am hoping will lead to some answers.  What those will be I am not sure of, but I am going to try to keep on writing to help me sort this all through.

Until then, I am going to try and keep smiling.  Hugs and happy new year.