Friday, March 31, 2017

asking for help

Hello blog,

Originally I was planning to title this entry 'crash and burn' since that seems to summarize up March 2017 for me here.  Instead I am hoping to use the trials of this month as a step back, sideways, and forward or something like that.  The one thing I realize from this journey is that I need to ask for help, and that is one thing I have a really hard time doing.

Here's a quick synapses of the prior month or so of my life that have not been fun.  It started with my HRT prescription running out and me being unable to get in to see the doctor.  Then I had a major blow-up with my therapist corresponding to an strong episode of battling my gender dsyphoria. Combine all that with my constant depression and telling someone that I am worthless and should just swallow 20 Tylenol or something like that earned me a late night trip to the ER combined with
a nice week to spend in a closely monitored hospital stay.  From there I got to apply for work disability and complete a day program for 2.5 weeks before being able to resume my life in limited capacity here.

What did I learn from all this?

I learned to slow down and listen and think a bit.  I learned to listen to my thoughts of self-worthlessness and realize my distorted view of reality.  I learned to listen about self acceptance.  That is a very hard pill and I don't think I can claim victory there just yet.  I learned that the behaviors I was doing that were getting me tired and frustrated just weren't working and really how much longer do I need to bang my head against the proverbial wall not getting anywhere.  I learned that I need to make a change, and to do this I need to ask for help.  That is a tough lesson for someone like me that thinks I can do all this on my own, I can't.  And to get out of the pattern of being stuck I need to surrender and that's not a bad thing - in doing this I am essentially stating that I can't continue on alone and I need to let others in.  So I think I learned some things, but how am I going to put this in practice?

I've reached out to a new therapist and started working on goals and planning steps to determine where I want to go and how to get there.   I've started writing feverishly again, and probably have like 5 or 6 new poems that I've completed.  I've looked up a local transgender support group and I am going to try and talk with others there.  Finally, I've decided that I have to be authentic and true to myself no matter what that would mean to others.

It has been a long and arduous struggle this past month of my life.  This next one will be another struggle too.  I wish I knew what it would bring, but it doesn't and I have to pick up the pieces and go forward.

I need a hug.