Thursday, April 19, 2018

Hiding in plain sight

Hello blog,

Today I feel invisible or at least seem that way somedays when I think of myself as Jaclyn.  I often wonder each day what my day would really be like if I actually had the courage to live as Jaclyn.  I know that instead of the safe and comfy days I have now, things would be so much harder, maybe lonelier and perhaps even a bit sadder at times.  But I still wish each day for this and as I start my journey find myself more and more imagining that I am getting closer to that.  I believe that others have this feeling as well in the community, but until I can fully commit to this I feel like a prisioner of sorts.  At least that is what I am thinking of when I wrote this poem today:

Hiding in plain sight
Always hiding here in plain sight,
Making sure no one else can see,
Maintaining a safety net that I loathe,
A security cushion surrounding me.
Can't give up this charade, have to play the part,
For this hand I'm dealt,
Although each day hurts more and more inside,
I'm incapable to move apart.
I strive each day for some normalcy,
And find no place left to hide,
Know that freedom is found within few words,
While my prison I lock myself inside.
It's been safer in there than to be out,
Or taking chances as the true me,
How long I can remain I don't know the answer,
And yearn so bad to be free.
Today I don't have strength yet to take this step,
Today I don't have courage yet so I will fake,
Today I will continue to hide in plain sight,
Until at last I take a stand and fight,
And let the true me be finally free.

I continue to pass others and wonder if they have any idea what goes on in my head.  I am sure they don't and wonder their reaction if I did fully come out.  I am hoping for that day someday, but for today I will have to continue in my little own world locked inside here.


Wednesday, April 11, 2018

my mantra

Good morning blog,

Tomorrow marks the 1 month anniversary of my hrt restart and to celebrate I got my first blood test results.  I will be reviewing them with the doctor in a few days, but from my research it looks like my testosterone is really low and my estrogen a bit low but still in the ideal range for a cis female.  So if I had to interpret these results, I would say I am already closer to female than male in my levels.  That makes me happy.

Lately, I have been reflecting much and surprised at how fast I feel being drawn more and more to continue to transition.  My mirror phobia has dissipated somewhat I see more of the female side of me when I look into it.  I know these are all mind games but they are the little things that make me happy each day here.  I feel the storm clouds rising as there are some big discussions and decisions to be had soon with my spouse and that still brings me down.  But I have created a simple mantra for myself that I am going to try and start each day and look at when I feel down and at a loss.  I know all long journeys require an enormous amount of little steps, and it is these little steps I am going to try to concentrate on for now.

My matra ~

I am trans.
It is not what defines me but part of what makes me unique.
Today I will have the courage to take one step forward,
and to not let it defeat me if I end up where I began.
I am worthy of love and can be the person I want to be,
no matter of my fears, my struggles and the pain it brings.
My heart is precious just like everyone else's in the world.
And I choose to accept myself and to be the best I can be.

Hope that you have the best of day that you can for you.  Hugs,  Jaclyn

Friday, April 6, 2018

one month reflections

Good afternoon blog,

It's coming up to a month soon since I restarted HRT and wanted to capture some of the thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing since then.

Physically, I don't have much to report except that I feel my skin has gotten a little softer and some extra sensitivity around my breast region.  My facial features seem a little more feminine but I am wondering if that is the mirror and my brain fooling me into thinking.

The bigger changes has been around the mental state of things.  I started out the first few weeks going up and down a few times and lately have seem to stabilize.  Anxiety and worry for the future seems to come up but I have been trying not too look too far ahead or fret too much.  I look forward to each day more now, and that rush of having the estrogen pill dissolving under my tongue feels like a warm hug enveloping me.  In a way it just feels right thinking that my body is now functioning with the right hormones inside and I struggle how to express this feeling.  One thought I keep having is that I have passed the point of no return now, I feel more that I have truly accepted that not only am I transgender but that I need to transition to a full-time woman someday.  Actually I don't feel like I need to transition more than I feel that I already am a woman inside, and just working on the outside appearances now to play that part.

But those outside appearances seem like a daunting task.  I have talked with my wife about going to a support group and exploring my gender identity further, but have struggled with telling her how I feel transitioning is right for me.  I know I have to do that, but how do I express that to her without ruining her world.  I need to think of my own, and trying to straddle the line in-between is getting more difficult each day.  I'm going to try a support group but have to wait two more weeks for that and that amount of time seems a long way away.

Well, that is how I feel today and will try and check back in here more often.  I feel like there are alot of changes coming in the next few months and I am excitedly scared for these.