Friday, February 24, 2017

what is the truth?

When I started this blog a few years ago, I did so because I felt like I needed someplace where I didn't need to hide or pretend to be something else.  More importantly, this blog would be a place that I could be honest and reflective about what I really felt was going on inside of me at that particular moment.  Today I think about this and realize that I need this blog more than ever.

This week I have been struggling so much to understand the truth.  I don't mean this externally in the way every other headline seems to be shouting at others as being fake taking their cue from our supposed leaders, but in the sense that I have trouble with my own internal truth.

Each day I feel like I am constantly lying so much I have completely lost track of the truth,  From the moment I feel I get up and first look in the mirror with disdain, to the parts of the day when I am pretending that I am fine, and continuing to when I am laying in bed awake and lost in my head I feel like I am lying.  When I finally feel brave enough to talk and share something real with me, I still find myself unable to speak the truth or live it.  My life it feels is like one big lie and as I sit now and try to dissect it for the umpteenth time I realize that I don't have a clue what my truth is.

I wonder that besides feeling that I am transgender that the fact that I have no idea of my individual truth makes me unique or gives me greater commonality with the community.  Is this part of the transgender experience to realize that you think you are currently living a lie and need to change, or is this proof that I am not committed enough to be anything else than a delusional pretender?

My therapist said this week the new chic thing is to say that you are transgender.  This statement upset me at first and later threw more doubt over my clouded thoughts.

I need to know my own truth, but I have no idea how to find this anymore.  It just feels like the only truth I do know is how emotionally tiring all this lying really is.


Thursday, February 16, 2017

stuck in the middle

Hello blog,

I've been fighting my dysphoria, my self-confidence, myself and everything lately as I seem to have slipped back into a funk.  The suicidal thoughts and self-cutting has started up once more which is questioning me what I am really doing.  While tomorrow marks week 15 since I started HRT, I sometimes think I should stop as I feel I have no plan or really any idea what I am doing. I feel like more I think the more stress I get and then the stress-eating takes over. I felt disgusted when I last weighed myself and worry that things are going to keep getting worse there.

Today was my second full facial laser clearing and I guess I had some time to stop and think while the strobe lights were hopefully removing some of the nasty facial growth.   I guess what I was concentrating on at first was how I was changing myself to be feminine but lately I've been thinking more that I am changing myself to be less masculing instead.  I know that statement probably doesn't make much sense to anyone who hasn't questioned their gender, but somehow I feel like I am forging something in-between the two.  I question whether I can like this place and be able to function in the world as something other than one of the two and this frankly scares me very much.  For someone who spent most of their time up to now resenting my own appearance, the thought of appreciating myself is really a tough pill that is so much easier said than in practice.

So that is where I guess I am standing at today, I am lost in consideration that if I stop I will be a failure and if I continue I will not be a success.  I wish there was an easy answer to all of this!


Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Month three milepost

Hello blog,

Its been awhile since my last post as I have been staying away from social media due to how depressing it has been.  It feels like as a country we are getting more and more divided and too many people are living with fear rather than love. It just saddens me when a collective group becomes so partisan and rules with a us/them mentality.  I hope things will start to settle down and the majority of us who choose peace and love rather than fear and hate start to become more apparent again.

For me, I have been up and down so far this year.  This friday marks my three month anniversary since starting HRT and I should be making some measurements to assess the physical changes.  I don't expect that much in those terms but I am interested in assessing those mental changes more.  Subconsciously I think I am feeling better about myself even though there are days where I feel like I am trapped somewhere in between genders and destined to remain there.  I have stopped the cutting and think about suicide less, but those thoughts still creep in from time to time.  I have taken some smaller steps towards eventually transitioning like checking my employers policy, doing a bra fitting, completing my first face clearing, but it still seems like an event to go out as Jaclyn rather than something everyday,  I had a clinic appointment to check my levels cancelled by the dr. which really bummed me out since it will take another 5 weeks for me to get back on the schedule.  The lack of health care providers and knowledgeable transgender professionals is boggling - there seems to be a large need out in the community and the mental health profession does not seem like it is a need to address it.  I worry with the current mood in the country if this is going to get more and more an issue to find help.  At least I feel fortunate that I can find some help nearby even if I have to wait for the limited resources.

So as we turn the calendar on February, it helps me to plan some more little steps to keep moving ahead.  I have my next face clearing scheduled for this month and I am going to need to do some spring shopping as that will be here soon.  I'm thinking of taking a pampering day to get a facial and mani/pedi before going out to the mall but that will depend on the schedule.  For support, I'm thinking about trying to find a nearby support group even though I have the illogical fear of these situations.  I think that will help me push myself a bit and each little step may eventually lead to one big stride.

Wishing everyone some good luck and peace with the new Chinese year that just began.  Hugs.