Last Post

Hello and good bye blog, I have not been writing much lately because I have been depressed, anxious, sad and just not able to make many coherent thoughts. Today however writing for me is simple because I have peace, solitude, acceptance of my plan ahead. I am coming up on the nine year anniversary of coming out as Jaclyn and it has been a tumultuous nine years since that date. I have had many experiences, shared thoughts and opinions with others, spent time analyzing things in therapy, and even reached out for medical assistance. Really in the end I am no further than what I was nine years ago and just have a lot of sorrow and regret for what could have been. But that is passed now, instead of bouts of non-controllable crying I know just have silent thoughts and no more tears. My commitment to my family and others is complete, I hoped to be around a little longer to celebrate a bit but things are taken care of so that everyone can function independently and even have some reserves that I have put aside for them financially. I am now starting to disperse of some of those token objects that I foolishly once covetted and to say my final good byes. I have already started down that list and know it is time to say good bye to this blog and my delusional fantasy world as Jaclyn and to cross that off the list. It feels comforting to have an exit plan and final date all set. In the sweet words of others I am finally coming home and going to drown out all the noise. Good bye blog and thank you for being there for me. Jaclyn

feeling sad

 Hello blog,

I am feeling really down, defeated and hopeless in the world today.  I have chronic depression according to the medical diagnostic terminology, and literally it feels like it is crushing me today.

I don't know how to end this depression and no it is not as simple as shutting down that little voice inside my head.  I feel alone and sad and nothing can fix that void I feel inside of me.  I hate my body and my inability to change or accept it, I hate my personality and my inability to brighten or improve that, and I hate the fact that I have nothing better to look forward to but to have these feelings for the rest of my life.

I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to be alive either.  I am crying, I am pathetic and I feel like there is no one I can talk to.  I tried that and either made people upset or wanting to commit me for feeling the way I do.   

I feel that deep down pain inside my chest and lump in my throat and all I want to do is clutch a pillow, curl up in a ball and cry.  Alone. Nothing nothing nothing fucking ever gets better.  That is just shit that people say that don't understand.  I hurt so much right now and feel so cut off from anyone else.

Depression sucks but life is much worse for me.

question for the day

 Who do you want to be?

I was asked this question today and I am still wondering my response here.

Sounds like a pretty straight forward and simply question at first glance but that can be deceptive.  I wanted to respond right away with the first answer that came into my head but after holding on to that thought for a moment I became unsure of that response.

Sometimes we want one thing but do not want to give up other things to make that a reality - in that case perhaps it is what we would be not to give something up that we really want to be.

Sometimes we pine for a different thing but really rather have the fairy tale of the idea rather than it.

For me, I want to stop living my life pretend and only being free as Jaclyn here in the virtual world and in during some fleeting moments.  The price for that freedom for me is very steep and what has been holding me down or is what I really want is the comfort of my current existence since I haven't seem to be able to make a change.

I really don't know the right answer here but feel like my depression will never get better until I can answer this truthful and believe in my answer.   I've heard that to move forward you need to be uncomfortable; and I feel that I need to move ahead since I am stuck.   I will keep contemplating this question here as I work on my personal self-acceptance.

Hugs,

~Jaclyn

Covid sucks

 Hello blog,

I am so fucking sick and tired of Covid.  Wrecking every plan and making me feel so isolated from everyone.  

Last night my wife got a positive test so we are not quarantining until I can get a test which I think will probably show me as positive as well.  If I get it and die maybe that's not to bad so my daughter can collect the insurance money to have a better life.

My wife and I had big arguments this week about taking Hrt and coming out as trans to her sister.  Basically the message was to not be trans or leave.  Since I am pathethic, I have stopped the estrogen and tried to be more "normal".  I think this must be a sign that I am not really trans since I am not able to stand up for myself here.  I am feeling really low and wanting to self-harm again.

Life is such a big pile of shit I don't really care right now about much and don't deserve it.  I am feeling very resigned today and low.