Saturday, November 22, 2014

i am trans

Hello blog,
In the constant ups and downs of my life, I have been writing alot again lately as these swings seem to wreck my psyche.  I think the reason I feel comfort in writing anonymously is that this is one of the two places where I can be completely honest and open about all the thoughts and feelings I have inside of me.

I've never been one to share, and have gotten even less guarded which has taken a large toll on me.  So I decided to reach out to the only person that I have felt I can be completely honest and open with and spent yesterday afternoon talking with my former gender therapist.

To say that I feel embarassed, pathethic, hopeless, etc. crawling back  to see her is an understatement. But I did, and she of course didn't take it any way like that but was glad I came as she told me I needed help.

And I do, of course.

It was also eye opening to have her tell me that I already knew the answers to the questions I was asking her and she let me open up and say them out loud.  You know the big,fat hairy ones that you have wasted so many years of shame that you dreamed you could never say out loud.

I am trans.  I will always be trans no matter what I do or try to repress it. I honestly can only remember being happy when being a woman and I deep down desire to be one someday.

This will all require alot of hard woark and effort and tears.  I am going to get there someday, someway.
Tears and hugs,

Thursday, November 13, 2014

My adventure part 3

Hello blog,

I didn't mean to write so much about my last week away but yet I feel like I have left out alot of things.  I am still trying to process everything and I am definitely having adjustment problems to putting things away again.

I guess it is that I honestly I don't want to.  I don't think I possess the strength, the fortitude, the beauty and/or the support to transition but I keep thinking of that like 24/7.  I can't explain why I feel this inside but it is a passion inside that is all-consuming at times.  But really, I keep telling myself that I don't really know anything about living life as a woman and that these thoughts are just all fantasy.  Of course I don't feel that I really know how to live life as a man so where does that put me?

One thing I definitely learned last week was how much I love a good pair of jeans.  Part of my photo shoot I got to model in a very nice pair of jeans and those are all that I can think about.  It was an OMG experience putting them on, and I feel that I need a pair of my own however impractical it is.  I am going to save the $100 to buy myself a pair and cannot wait to try them on.

Another thing that last week reminded me was about feeling good about myself.  I know that sounds like just some catch phrase, but the more I dressed, the more I felt comfortable as myself and the more I felt good about me.  I am not religious and haven't studied reincarnation, but is like that my soul and essence is truly feminine and when I stop denying this it resonates throughout.  I feel freer, able to express my emotions and so much more confident as Jaclyn, and frankly in my male mode I am disgusted and uncomfortable in my body.

So where do I go from here?  Chances are I will be to frightened to do anything and will become depressed once again.  I want to change my life but afraid and unsure of that first step.  How did others start down that path or what gave them the push they needed - or is my situation like so many others waiting at the side watching in despair?

I sometimes feel anxious that my life is a ticking time bomb and worried that I have set things in motion to finally detonate.  I could use some support or a friend right now to help set me straight.  But this is my road to decide on my own I guess, and will have to try and figure it out someday.


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

My adventure part 2

This entry is the second part of my fabulous week last week in which I got to really spend some time being and understanding whom I really am inside. While I am still coming down from the adventures, I wanted to capture my recollections and emotions as close as they are to help me reflect later.

As the business side of day 2 wound down, I could feel the sweet anticipation of the upcoming night stirring inside of me.  Flying back to my room, I hastily showered and dressed before rushing out the door.  Tonight was going to be special as I went our and arranged a make-over and photo shoot with a local gal there.  This part of the experience I dared myself to do since I am not very confident in my looks and don't really like getting my picture taken because of this.  But I've read about how other girls had raved about the experience so I thought it was a good experience to undertake.

Arriving at the studio, it was easily apparent that I was a bundle of nerves.  While she did the best to help me relax and chat during makeup, it was a quick shot of tequila that I used to help calm the nerves a bit.  Back in the chair, I decided what the heck and had her apply the glam look to my eye shadow and was so impressed with her results.  When she was finished, I almost cried away the mascara at the fabulous job she did and could hardly believe how pretty I felt.  Then it was time to take some photos.  That was another experience that I needed to warm up to but after seeing some of the results in the viewer I could hardly believe it was me.  It is so hard to put in words how it felt to look at oneself and feel happy and beautiful and god I could have posed all night for her. I am not sure how she felt about all my hugs and thank yous but it has been so long since I felt this way I could hardly stop myself from gushing.

After the shoot, I decided there was no reason to waste this look and decided to head out to a local gay bar by myself.  This was another first and it felt great walking into the bar.  Old Jaclyn that would never have left the house would have died at my brazen actions. While it was a slow weeknight at the bar, I was hit upon by three different guys and it was intoxicating to gather so much attention.  I was really getting into everything when the one guy sitting next to me told me that he found me rather attractive as a man in a dress.  That popped the bubble as I looked at him and just said thank you as I felt crushed inside. I am not sure what I wanted him to say, but I guess somehow I just wanted to be considered a woman although I know that is a far stretch for me.  Perhaps I am just being way to sensitive, but I left the bar alone a few minutes later and took my experiences back home with me.

Overall it was a very good night and I came away feeling happy that I went out and experienced it.  Below are a few photos from the trip that still make me feel good inside.

Hugs, Jaclyn


Monday, November 10, 2014

My adventure part 1

Dear blog,

It has been an eventful past week here for me and I wanted some time to capture my thoughts as I still feel emotionally somewhere in-between states today.  Really that is not a foreign location for me, but today the tug of the two worlds seems more of a struggle than usual.

Last week was the infamous out of town business meeting for which I got the chance to live and enjoy life as Jaclyn more than I had let myself before.  And what a totally fun time it was, shopping, clubs, modeling, meeting new friends I had such a  great time.  And now, I feel that emptiness that the vacuum of leaving that behind creates.

I started off the first evening like oh so many by taking some time to relax and pamper myself with a nice warm bath to clear my head. Afterwards I applied a fresh set of makeup and through on a pair of my favorite jeans and decided to hit some local shops to look for something new.  It was really a rush taking those first few steps out of the safety of the hotel room but I was determined that this time I would not chicken out here.

So the first shop I came to was a crowded Dress Barn in a suburban strip mall.  After taking a few deep breaths, I stepped out and walked towards the store.  Coming around a corner was a group of young adults hanging out, and I looked straight at one boy as I heard them giggling.  While I was not sure it was directed at me, it felt like a shot in the gut of my new confidence and I hurried inside the store.  Then panic totally set in, and I felt as though everyone in the crowded place was looking at me. I totally freaked out and walked with my head down to the back of store, pretended to browse a few racks, and then briskly ran out of the store.  I don't even remember if I saw the group of kids hanging out as I launched myself back into my car, and I drove away to a distant lot to hyperventilate and cry for a few minutes.  While I was sitting there in the car wallowing in the midst of my self-pity, somewhere inside I decided that I was not going to be ashamed and to enjoy myself.  I had looked up a resale shop not far away and before I knew it I had touched up my makeup and headed into that store.  This time I didn't really care about feeling out of place and spent a good long time looking and trying on different outfits.  While I didn't find the cute winter dress I was looking for, I felt so proud leaving the store having made several purchases of some practical items.

Yet, this wasn't the biggest adventure of my trip.  The next evening I had gone out on a lark and scheduled a make-over and photo shoot with a local to the area and what a fun time that turned out to be.  I will write more about that tomorrow but sufficient to say it was one of the best nights in a very long time.

Hugs, Jaclyn  

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

What am i

Hello blog,

I just got back from my session today and I feel more confused than ever.  I'm not really sure what sign of progress that means and while I'm trying to trust the process, I feel like ripping my hair out at times.

Probably the most confusing question is whether I consider myself male or female.  Ok duh I know just look between the legs the next time in the loo, but I sat there not able to answer this question for a long time.  What do I want the answer to be - I dunno and I am so envious of the 99% of the population that this is a no brainer for.

Deep down inside me I want to be female, I have always dreamed that somehow miraculously I'd wake up with flowing hair, softer skin, be more in touch with my emotions and spirit but I know I'll wake up looking at the same ugly mugshot later.  

In my logical side, I want to be a male and do what I am supposed to.  Be a good male role model for my family and be comfortable with my body.  I've tried that simple feeling so much and all that gets is instant frustration anymore with me.

So I want to be female sort of but know the consequences of wanting that which are worse than being a male.  Or am I just being disillusional and I just need to be slapped to wake up and realize what I really want.  I wish there could be a simple test (yes/no) or someone who will tell me the answer yet I know I'm dreaming once again.

I hate this not knowing, I wish for once in my life I could be decisive.  But I can't.



Wednesday, September 10, 2014

drowning standing still

Good morning blog,

This is probably going to be a long-winded illogical entry today as so much is floating around in my head and I need some outlet to let things out.  It is rainy and stormy outside but yet that feels so much more sunnier than my disposition.

Yesterday I started with therapist #5 in the past year and a half and I am really getting tired of starting over.  I tried to screen and select her based on having some experience with gender issues and I do hope that I will feel like I get something out of it.  I think probably I have to be the worst patient for therapists as I have trouble trusting and really opening up to a stranger after some many years of hiding, and I am nervous that she wants to talk with my prior therapists and will drop me like a rock after that conversation. I am definitely not feeling well about myself here.

I guess the root of my issue is trying to reconcile my feelings inside with reality and expectations of others. I know the psychological speak that you need to do things for yourself and damn the world but honestly I have not meet anybody who truly follows that mantra to a t.

I guess I don't really know how to explain to someone that deep down inside I feel like I was a mistake and born male by accident.  I am not saying that I want to correct this as soon as possible (although I have wished often that I would have an accident or the opportunity to do so), but really I don't know what I want to be.  I love family and children and losing mine would utterly destroy me unlike anything else.  But I can't give up the need to dress and feel like I am a woman, there just is something that resonates inside of me so much when I look in a mirror or a picture that I just can't explain in words.

I mean it seems so much easier to the outside world if someone has a drug or drinking problem that they can go to rehab and through out their alcohol or avoid situations in the future.  But I just can't remove my 'addiction' as my last therapist told me - wherever I go have the population in the world is female and it is impossible as hard as I try to avoid that mirror that presents that nagging reminder of how ridiculous my mind works.  While I know I know nothing about being a woman and I will always be a total fake, I just can't seem to give up the high feeling of going shopping and coming home with a new blouse or putting on makeup and a wig looking in the mirror and feeling good.

And thus this the crossroads where I am today, yesterday, hell almost the last 40 something years on this planet.  I hate it. I am so miserable just being stuck here without any ability to change. I just can't, I've tried and tried and am so tired of trying anymore.  I am not strong, not brave like so many others and perhaps so pathetic as I wallow here is self-despair.

I need to give up Jaclyn but I cannot, I need to let Jaclyn free but I cannot do that either. It hurts and lumps in my throat as I feel I cannot keep things together in this facade of my life much longer. I sure wish I knew something sometime soon as I cannot keep dangling alone much longer.  I hope people will understand when I'm gone but I know that won't happen either.  I just don't know.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Fall is coming again

Hello blog,
Well labor day again has come and gone and with it the end of the observed summer season. I am always a little depressed when my favorite season is coming to an end and this year is no exception.

To be truthful I am really feeling myself slip further and further down recently and can't seem to help it. I can't really explain to someone how it feels to know all the right things and should just snap out of my funk but that just doesn't happen.  I keep staring at those pill bottles and rooftops and just lie awake at 4am thinking about them. I can't help that or the patheticness that is my existence. I know this means I should go and search out another therapist, but this seems like a fruitless exercise. So what now?

I don't know. I will continue on as always being what I should be. I will continue on and disappoint everyone and myself in the process.  I will continue on until I finally forget to make that last turn in the curve in the road or mix up a nice relaxing drink. I don't know if I have much strength left, and clueless why I ever bother to write.  I wrote several new poems recently and tossed them all this morning realizing what rubbish they all were.  Perhaps that is what I need someone to do to the rubbish that is me.

I will press on as I should.  Later, Jaclyn

Thursday, August 7, 2014

New look

Hello blog,

It's been kind of a hectic summer so I haven't published much lately.  Suffice to say that I am still struggling with trying to understand whom I am - I know I am not a man and know that I am not a woman but where that leaves me and where I want to go from here still leads to many angst-filled nights.

So what do I do when I feel depressed and alone, I go shopping of course!  I am trying to save my funds so I didn't go all out but I did find a few nice things and decided to go for a new look.   Being born in my genetic mistaken identity, it is probably an understatement to call myself follically challenged. I am not sure if any other women out there like me feel this way and then overcompensate by loving long hair wigs but I do. While I went in thinking of a sensible, shorter, easy to maintain crop look would be best, once I saw a long, new light brown piece nothing else would do.  It is so wonderful just running my fingers through my hair that I spent a long time just looking in the mirror doing just that.  God I am so silly sometimes.

Anyways, attached is a selfie I attempted with my new look.  On the way out a glittering pair of non-sensible gold heels caught my attention and were on sale so I had to splurge for something totally unnecessary but fun.

Enjoy the rest of the summer.  Hugs ~ Jaclyn

                                                                   My new look

                                            Really I have no practical use for these but what fun!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

random thoughts

Hello blog,
I'm turning to you today because I need some outlet here.  I've been struggling so hard lately and really feel that I am on the verge of something self-destructive.  I don't want to do it but I can't stop thinking about it so much.  I don't know why.

Lately the weather has been getting warmer and I am worried about having to explain some of the latest scars on my arms. Perhaps no one will really notice them like before but they seem more pronounced to me. I wish I could stop cutting but it is something that makes me feel better when I do it, although I hate pain and blood it doesn't seem to affect me at all when I am doing it.  Other more permanent thoughts have been on mind lately but all I can think about is the shame that the handful of people I know will feel once I do that.  I know I wallow in self-pity and shame, but I can't help shake the disappointment I have left everyone I have ever known.

I have an appointment with a pysch in a few weeks and think about asking for spiro or HRT but think he will just dwell on trying some different anti-depressant or whatever.  I don't want another pill that is supposed to make me feel happy artificially, why doesn't that profession think of anything rather than playing with chemicals to fix people.  Hell, I could take herion or smoke pot if I wanted to take chemicals to make myself feel better.  If I do it I am called a junkie, if a psych does it he is called a professional.  Crock of dog excrement I believe.

Well, that is about how I feel today and tomorrow looks like it will be even worse.  I apologize to anyone reading this looking for something happy or uplifting as I don't have that in me right now.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Self reflections

Happy Cinco de Mayo blog,

Today started out a bit gloomy but with the sun peeking out I am thinking of taking a nice walk over lunch today.  The weather seems to match my mood for the last couple of days as today I am feeling a bit better about things.

As I have written endlessly about, most of my thoughts lately have centered around accepting who I am and then appreciating myself as a person regardless of my looks or other's perceptions of what is right or not.  Great ideas to type here and harder to believe but I'm trying, really trying.

This weekend as the weather warmed up I found myself in the closest trying on shorts and looking at my legs.  I am really proud of these and find them to be shapely and looking at them made me feel more and more like I was born with the wrong equipment.

You know, it is so hard to explain to spouses, family, counselors what it feels like to look at your legs and imagine how a nice pair of hose may accent them or to look at your fingers and nails and admire their slenderness.  I've read about the looking in the mirror and seeing a woman reflecting back at oneself's phenomenon, but I don't how to explain to others when I am standing on top of a mirror trying to tweeze away some unwanted hairs, or squeezing my nose to make it thinner or trying to stretch my chin out to make it more angular why I feel this way.

I have come along way from thinking I was just a mistake or confused or deviant or whatever, and believe that I am more feminine inside than masculine for whatever that counts for. Like how the sun eventually clear out these gloomy skies I feel that knowing this fact helps me deal with the fact that I am going to face another summer season wearing some drab shorts but will not be afraid to let out a bit more of my feminine insides in measured doses.   Perhaps I will never find true acceptance unless I just rip that band-aid off completely and just completely come out.  That is so hard to think about and too scary to do right now, so I will try and take more baby steps as they come.

Hoping for brighter skies and warmer hugs,

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Spring is coming..

Hello blog,

Today here is a very windy day as finally it seems that the earth is starting to thaw out after our long winter.  And thank goodness as it seems like we all had to spent the last few months all bundled up and dashing from building to building to stay warm.  I am so looking forward to Spring.

Along with the warmer weather, Spring always gives me a reason to go through and update the wardrobe.  I am a really bad shopper since there are still many items that I buy and never wear yet I am in the mood to buy more.  I don't know if this is a compulsion of mine, but when the warmer weather comes I inadvertly find myself walking the malls and browsing catalogs with the new season's fashions.

So that is where I found myself the other day, wandering the mall in male form and looking at some of the latest trends.  I got myself caught up at looking at some colorful blouses in an empty store when a the store associate caught my attention. This has happened to me plenty of times, and generally I use the lame excuse of looking for my wife when confronted in the store.  But not this time, I guess something in her made me feel a bit more relaxed and I went ahead and held the blouse up to me to check the sizing.

I am not sure if this is a sign of maturity, acceptance or I was testing myself but it did feel so good not to hide the fact inside.  I left the store without buying anything, but did share a pleasant smile and good day with the clerk on the way out.

Someday soon maybe I'll go back as Jaclyn or my other self and try out the dressing rooms.  The warmer weather is coming, and I am in need of some new threads.


Saturday, March 1, 2014

new beginnings

Hello blog,

In a life of ups and downs the past few weeks have been another roller coaster.  I have made alot of changes and hope that I will get a break for awhile. The biggest change being leaving my current work and starting over,which is hard to leave all the friends that I have made at the prior place.  But time to move on..

I've also been working on self-acceptance and spent some time trying to feel good about myself.  I had some free time to let myself be me and it felt really good.  Below are some images since I think it has been awhile since I updated any photos.  I love to look back and see how my image gets better over time.  Unfortunately I did not take a closeup to show the big smile I had letting myself feel free but I think the images show my happiness.

Today is the first day of March so I hope that the spring thaw comes soon as it has been cold far too long. I will try and keep up to date here, but needless to say self-reflection takes alot of ones time.  Wishing everyone out there the best.


Monday, February 3, 2014

Type whatever...

Hello blog,

As I spend my days in flux reading and re-reading so much information out there that I never knew existed, I have been transfixed on understanding more about the Dr. Harry Benjamin type scale no transsexualism.  No doubt it seems like an important piece of literature, I am going to try and spend some time reading his book there   At first overview it seems a bit technical for me to grasp completely, but I have of course gravitated towards his scale diagnosis and trying to figure out where I fit in.

God that is more difficult than it should be.  I think for the most part I am safe to say I am at least 3+ since honestly I feel more and more that I was born with incongruent brain and body parts.  But then is that really what I am hoping for and really I am a 1 or 2? So damn confusing and if I had to guess I would put myself somewhere in the middle groups which seems like a crapshoot group not really committed one way or another. Argh, more inconclusive results as I try and decipher why I am the way I am.

I know that I need to find some balance here, but I really just want someone to tell me to go one way or another and it to be right. I love my family and I love being Jaclyn, why can't that be right.  My physical body says that I am a man and my heart wishes I was a woman. When I think about it, I know little about what being a man is and even less about what being a woman involves. So what do I really know?

Or what is it that I don't know now, perhaps never and will have this confusion to deal with always.  I guess I am type whatever, does that really matter anyways.   As my latest poem states, perhaps I am lost and unable to go.


Unable to Go
Looking for reason in an nonsense world,
Hoping when the outcome is known,
Dry tears down my cheek I let flow,
I wish that wrong wasn't all that I know.

Never flinching but feeling the pain,
Looking in mirrors but not seeing me,
Feeling different than the reflection it does show,
I wish that wrong wasn't all that I know.

Anger, rage and despair I bottle up inside,
Hope, dreams, and love I desperately hide,
Fear, angst, and confuion impede me from inside,
To take one small step I am completely froze.

I guess I don't know what I want to be,
Why can't I be satisfied with all that I see,
Will I ever quiet these demons that follow me,
Why can't I escape and let them all go?

One more day passes without any resolve,
One more example why I am a lost cause,
One more time I'm unable to move forward so,
I am so lost and unable to go.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

rough morning

Hello blog,

One of the main reasons that I started blogging is that I needed someplace to vent and reflect on the craziness of life, and today I feel like I need this blog to help ease my whirlwind thoughts.

So I apologize to outsiders this will probably not be very coherent but rather a monologue for help me relax.  Of course, probably this can be said for many of my other posts lol :)

I'm really struggling with having left my true self out a bit with being able to "put myself away" at least for awhile as necessary for outward appearances.  I don't know if this is common but even a year ago I was so much better on having Jaclyn time and then going without.  I find that it is getting so hard just to not wait to have Jaclyn time 24/7 anymore and it feels so desperate.

I can't stop looking at the way women dress, react and interact without wishing so bad that I cold be there talking and sharing and being accepted as one of them.  I know that can not be the case and it depresses me more.  Just this morning I was listening to the cold heels of my shoes echo off the parking garage on my way into work and couldn't stop imagining that I was walking in on heels or boots instead of my drab shoes.

Does this feeling ever subside again?

I know that I have gender dysmorphia and can't look into a mirror without feeling uneasy and disgusted.  I spent 5 minutes last night trying to pinch my nose to make it look thinner and stretch my chin to try and imagine how wonderful having facial surgery would be.  Then I look at that sorry excuse on the top of my head for hair and I get violently upset and angry.  Why can't I just be satisfied with the lot life dealt me like everyone else?

Today I go back to my therapist and we will sit there for an hour discussing how my parents didn't nuture me and how I should be more self-confident and how I should like myself.  It all makes logical sense but yet it doesn't.  I don't know how to relate the endless hours at night I lay awake in bed wishing that I had smooth skin and feminine curves and know that this can only be a dream.  My beautiful daughter and wife are the only good things in my life and I cannot lose them but yet as my therapist says perhaps I am trying to sabotage them.  Call it a mental illness or whatever but I still don't understand why I wake up loving my family yet feeling the internal need to tuck my maleness away under my clothes and run out to the mall over lunch in secret.   I'll end up again with a bag of clothes, internal guilt and unbearable feeling to put them on and walk outside and be free.

Somedays I seem to manage these pressures better but today is not that day.  Right now I really don't know what I am but instead know what I am not.

I am not happy, and I am not able to figure out how to make this better.
I am not able to look in a mirror and be thankful for all the fortunate things life has given me.
I am not able to maintain two seperate entities within in this tiny brain of mine.
I am not able to talk, to walk, to fly and be free like so many of the brave sisters I see around that I am in awe of.
I am not a man, I am not a woman.  I don't know what I am.

I can only hope that today and tomorrows get better and I can find some peace and answers.  Isn't that what we all are looking for?

Monday, January 20, 2014

Happy MLK day

Good morning and happy MLK day!
Today is a great day to celebrate Dr. King - one of the men I have most admired for all his vision, his courage and his compassion to share with others.  I only wish I could have been alive in the 60s to march with him and help lead his noble cause.  I know there is still so much hatred and racism left in this world, and try to do my small part to help reduce this so that one day truly people will be colorblind.  In my opinion, the transgender community shares some things in common with his message, just wanting not to be seen as a normal person against the traditional soceital views.  Dr. King and so many others has brought some hope that more and more people will see things in this light and hopes for a brighter future will survive as long as their is a voice to speak the truth.

On more personal note, this has been another troubling confusing period for me.  It seems if anythng is consistent, change and confusion is going to be my companion for awhile longer.  Since the end of last year, I've decided that I didn't want the prescribed antidepressants any longer impacting my judgement and stopped those.  In truth I am never quite sure why I agreed to start them as I didn't feel any more depressed than usual and taking them made me more depressed.  I had about 2 weeks of constant headaches but I think I have finally weaned my system off of this chemical dependence.

My current job environment well just plain sucks and so I have been working on the interview process to search out someplace new.  Probably one of my least favorite things and has made me more grouchy spending countless worthless hours searching and applying for places that seem like a black hole.  I can only hope that this process will end soon.  In my dreams, things would be much different and instead of going through this phony job searching process I would be finding a new life and freedom for Jaclyn.  I know I look up to Dr. King for having so much courage that I wish I could have, yesterday I found myself at Union station just looking at the destination boards and imagining just getting onboard and going somewhere, somehow -  if only I could take those first scary steps I know there would be no looking back.  But there I am, standing still frozen once again as the train leaves the station.  I guess I have some type of psychological martyr syndrom or passive inability or whatever, but it really sucks being me alot of the time.

But the biggest turmoil that is going internally is things that I am not doing if that makes any sense at all. I finally decided to go ahead and set up some time to talk with someone about hormones, and after waiting over a month for the appointment to arrive wouldn't you know those plans would blow up.  A week before the appointment I got a call for a job interview for that same day for somewhere I had been corresponding with for a few months.  Was that a horrible coincendence or a sign for me to chose?  Then I started thinking about the issues with health issue and changing jobs and how I didn't want to have to stop and start right away because of it.  So I decided that I should take the interview, wait for the job change and then pursue things again when the waiting period for insurance was up.  Of course this makes sense logically but my insides felt sad and angry and last week was not a good one to say at least.  I even had my therapist yelling at me and I think I need to start asking for a new one or just screw the counselling altogether.  How does the song go - I want to scream and shout and let it all out?  That describes me to a T it seems.

Well, I am feeling angry and my writing now seems to be going downhill so I am going to take a leave for today.  I am really wanting to go shopping and wish to go out in the world, holding my pretty hair held up high.  Someday.... <sigh>.  Well instead I will dream and wirte and hope - below is something that has been travelling around my wee brain for some time and feels good to get out.  WIshing you the best.


Tightrope walker
Tightrope walker, ballerina in the air,
Walking that thin line,
Are you going anywhere?

Big wave surfer, daredevil on a board,
Are you putting on a show,
Or awaiting that wipout ignored?

Everyday person, unnoticed on the street,
Do you want to be seen,
Or do you hide on purpose,
Knowing eventually you'll meet.

Where are we going,
Why are we pretending,
What is this exercise all for?
Why can't I be happy,
Why can't I be free,
Why can't I seem to find my balance and more.

I just don't know,
Where it is I am supposed to be,
I try so hard to do one thing,
And betray the truth inside of me.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

happy new year?

Happy New Year 2014 - 

As the calendar turns over once again, I still am perplexed by the way people celebrate New Year's eve as it just seems like the start of a new day for me.  I guess when it seems like my life is constantly changing, picking one arbitrary day and saying things are different doesn't make much sense to me.  Anywho, I made it to a little past 10 before packing it in with a book and PJs and for me that was all I wanted.

Since my last entry, I haven't had much news except that I am tired of putting the toxics into my body that are my prescribed anti-depressants.  Hell they did nothing for me and if anything made me feel worse so I see no reason to continue them.  As my bottom cleanses them I keep getting this nagging headaches and I will be so happy when that passes by.  Another reason I hate these chemical "helpers", it shouldn't make my body feel like crap not to have them if they were truly helping, as I feel like a tool for big pharma in the meantime.  Anyways, enough with them and I will look for alternative way for happiness (i.e. I didn't need no damn pill for 40+ years prior so they can go shove it).

Because of these headaches I haven't been writing much lately but spending alot of time thinking instead.  The other day my signficant other came out and told me how wrong my features would be as a female and truthfully that careless off the cuff comment by her hurt me inside.  I know that I am not beautiful, I know that I will never be a stunning model and perhaps never passable, but still I had to go hide and cry.   I am trying to get strong enough to stand up for myself but my personality is not suited for that or at least not yet and wish I could have at least a tiny bit of strength that I read in other t-girl's blogs out here.  You know when you feel like as a male you are so ugly and wrong and told as a female that you will never be that either, it seems so hopeless being somewhere in between. I guess I feel like such a pathetic fool sitting here typing my blog but I appreciate the only outlet I have here to just be without having a gender attached if that makes any sense.

I'm going to leave today without much inspiration, but with the small hope that 2014 will work out to be a better year than the past one at least in a tiny bit.

Happy New Year and Cheers and Hugs,