Friday, September 24, 2021

Status check

 Hello blog,

I know it has been awhile but I have been avoiding this as I have been most anything in my life that deals with Jaclyn.  Frankly after my first failed attempt at transition and suicide attempt I had tried to destroy and remove anything in my world that dealt with my female identity. I have struggled and hurt and drawn further and further within myself these past few years, but that of course is a battle I cannot win.  

I really don't know right now where I am, where I am headed or what I really want to be.  Wouldn't it be nice just to have a quick blood or some other type of test and determine this?  Dunno, all I do know is that I feel up and down and most things inside of me are 180 degrees opposite of what I appear as.

I have started trying to find a new therapist to discuss and as usual there seem to be few that are either comfortable, knowledgeable or able to understand what living with GD feels like.  I am going to keep trying and feel like I need to determine what I am and what I really want first before doing anything else. I feel alone and scared and can use all the support and love as I enter/return to step one once again.

Why does it always feel like I go in circles? I wish I really knew.  


Thursday, January 7, 2021

been awhile

 Hello blog...

Been awhile since I've written and since that time I have dealt with depression, anxiety, happiness and depression again.  

I feel so low at the beginning of this year since I have been suppressing myself for so long I forget how it feels to be real. I am feeling that edgeness and pain inside that I can't really describe, it just makes me feel numb to the world and want to cut myself to feel something.  

I feel like such a failure and see myself crashing here but nowhere to turn. I am beyond hoping for the better, I just want to curl up somewhere and hide.

Happy 2021 world.