Monday, December 27, 2021

My plans for 2022 ..


As I get ready to say good riddance to 2021, I wanted to take a quick moment to take stock of where I feel 2022 is headed towards at this time.  If anything this past year has taught me is that life can really hard and acceptance of oneself is the most difficult and most important thing to do before setting a direction for the path ahead.

I feel like I am starting to crawl out of the deep hole of depression that has plagued me not only this year but in the past.  As I sit here writing with an estradiol pill dissolving under my tongue, I see a vision and an overwhelming need to transition to start living a true life for me.  There is this feeling that I have wasted so much time pretending to be what others what for me and wish that I could just rush through this process overnight.  Not only do I know that it will take time, but I also realize that I do need a plan to make this all happen.  So what I have been spending my time recently is working out a tentative transitional plan for next year.  Here is what I have right now

Jan. 2022 - Work on building a support system, attend a local transgender group event and continue with some depression support skills group.  Work on my transition plan with my therapist.

Feb 2022 - My first 3 month check in with endocrinologist, start to include t-blockers along with recommended dosage adjustments specified by her.  Virtual weekly transgender support group will be starting this month.

March/April 2022 - Continue to work on building support network, working on improving image skills (makeup, clothes, presentation) as well as look into/start vocal training.   I am hoping that some of the HRT physical effects will start to become noticeable and will keep me moving forward.

May/June/July 2022 -  I think this will be important times for me as I would like to take this time to come out to my daughter and other immediate family members.   I want so bad to get my ears pierced and start to do electrolysis to get rid of hair that leads to so much dysphoria.   One personal goal for me would be to participate in the local pride parade.

I feel if I can accomplish all of these feats I will have made a year's worth of progress already, and there are going to be a lot of stumbles and road blocks to get here.   I feel like this will be a good check-in point to see how far I have come.

Aug/Sep/Oct 2022 - I want to be working on vocal training, electrolysis and feeling more confident in going out around this time.  I am hoping at this point to be close if not out part-time beside work and have started some plans for socially transitioning

Nov/Dec 2022 - I am thinking that after a year of working on physical transition, I will be starting the process for social transition here.  I would be coming out at work and starting to free myself from any form of male identity.

1st half of 2023:  Start making some permanent changes - FFS, name change.  Try to figure out what the hell to do with the sad excuse that is the natural hair on my head.  Celebrate my daughter's finishing of high school / beginning of college.

2nd half of 2023: Continue to live authentically - consider breast augmentation and any other surgeries to bring me some harmony in my life.  Plan for the next phase of my life.    

So that's the current rosy plan here.  Not sure how close reality will be but trying to be optimistic.  The one part of this journey that is up in the air is how supportive my wife will be with this and from our recent conversations I believe that answer is not very.  So there is my major issue in feeling ahead is the unknown loss of my family and hope that I can save a life with my daughter.  I feel however that I need to do this or part of me will just die and I worry so much of the depression associated with this.  One thing is for sure that 2022 will be a very very emotional one for me.  I am hoping to come out on a brighter side, only time will tell.

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

Happy Holidays!

 Signing off for a bit - wishing everyone a happy holidays and new year 2022!



Sunday, December 19, 2021

Hoping for happiness in 2022

 Hello and happy holidays to everyone regardless of whatever celebrations you do or do not take part in.  One thing we all celebrate is the new year and I am getting ready to make 2022 the year of my change.

I have been spending alot of time in self-reflection and acceptance and decided I need to take care of the dysphoria and feeling of being fake so that I avoid any more trips to the ER on suicide watch.  It is really scary and overwhelming but I feel 100% sure it is what I need to do.

My goal for the new year is to start to plan for my transition and take the first steps necessary.  I have a really long path to go but I will not feel genuine if I keep trying to deny myself inside.

For once I feel some clearing in my head and a path leading ahead.  Here's to celebrating things the road ahead and having the courage and strength to let my heart finally be my guide.

Cheers,
Jaclyn

Wednesday, December 8, 2021

A new start (again) for hopefully the last time

A new start again today.  I just took my first estrogen tablet after so long without and feel good and valid inside for once.

I know that I have started and stopped transitioning a couple of times but this time is different.  This time I am not doing it alone in stealth away from my partner.  She is still not totally supportive but I am being honest with her and everyone in my life for the first time. I am searching out support and joined a trans support group yesterday that will start soon and thinking of going out to visit some local girls that are in the area.

Things just feel so much different this time.  My perspective has changed and I realize that I do not have to be one or another gender but I could be fluid or non-binary and go to somewhere in the middle I feel is best for me.  Inside I yearn to go full-time as a woman but I will try to patient during this and not rush into things.

I feel very hopefully today after so so much time in the dark.  I am looking forward to this new chapter and trying to keep my heart open.

~ Jaclyn


Wednesday, December 1, 2021

A little more sunny today

Hello blog,

I am going to try to be a bit more optimistic and sunny today instead of my usual doom and gloom.  I am not going to apologize for those feelings as those are part of me, but rather work on being a little bit better each day.

Some new updates since my recent posts.  After my last meltdown, I have started more intensive therapy daily and been working towards acceptance.  I went to visit an endocrinologist to discuss hormone therapy and got some baseline levels done.  I am waiting to speak with her around starting a prescription once they are read and really excited about that.   I have also reached out to some local trans groups and support groups and going to try to put myself out there.  I have been discussing this all with my wife and slowly working with her to do small incremental steps.

I do worry though that as I continue I feel more and more that it is time that I accept myself completely and let myself free.  I feel like it is a building wave here and I have started so far that I may not be able to go back now.  I have thought that many times before but this does feel a little different.  Time will tell if I have that courage and strength.  Slowly I need to tell myself and look for supports.   It is just hard after you feel like you wasted too much time.

Today I wrote a new poem after awhile.  Not very good but it sums my head space right now.  
~Jaclyn

Always Me
Looking at myself,
Don't like anything about me,
Anger, sadness,  despair all around,
Why can't I be who I want to be?

I don't look right to other people,
I don't fit any simple box or label,
Others may think I should forget this folly completely,
But it will always be there with me.

Always there, wherever I look
Always there, running through my brain,
Always there, among others I see
Always there, but never me
Yet.

Tuesday, November 23, 2021

hopeless

 Warning - this post is going to be filled with anger, hate, despair, etc so I would avoid if you are looking for an inspirational feel-good post here.

Recently my therapist told me to use the blog to express my anger, depression, etc. so I feel like using that this morning.  I recently wrote about how I felt like I have gotten to a stage in my life where I am ready to open a door, well I did open it only to find it slammed fast right back into my face.

I am so so tired of living with gender dysphoria, feeling like as a fake and hating my fucking body.  There's nothing else that I can do to change that without exploding everything I care about so this means there's nothing else I can do.  End of road. Finale.

I am going to have to deal with this mistake that I am - I can't look into the mirror and today I felt disgusted looking at old family photos containing me.  I am cutting, thinking about suicide and righting final notes in case I get too far and can't return back.  No I never do anything so no worry there.  Even with suicide I am a failure.

How can you hate your life so g-d bad yet not want to change because you love the others you are surrounded by.  How can you be so pathetic and hurt and cry and not want to do anything about it.  How can you feel like the biggest fucking mistake in the whole fucking world?

I don't know but that's me. I am a fraud, I am worthless, I am a failure, a mistake, a totally waste of oxygen and resources and don't deserve anything more.  I don't know what to do I am cutting myself and watching the blood run down my arm and feel nothing. 

I am hopeless.


Tuesday, November 16, 2021

hand on the door...

 Hello blog,

While some weeks may be kinda of boring, my last week was everything but that it seemed.  I am still trying to pick up the pieces of where I crashed and landed in the ER under suicide observation and fully appreciate some of the high points where I had more intense discussions about my gender dysphoria with my loved ones that I have in a really really long time.

That demon of self-hate, feelings of worthlessness, being a fraud got the better of me as I keep going down a slope of self harm here.  My wrists do not look pretty but it is not from wanting to kill myself but from me not wanting to exist.  I know that does not make logically sense but while I feel at times the world would be better if I wasn't around, I am not really able to take the steps necessary to completely remove myself.  I know this thinking is a disease that I have and I need to keep working on that but it is a weak pattern I seem to fall back into at times.  I am currently looking for help but finding that with the stressed out mental health system this is not as easy to find these days.  

After all this chaos though my wife and I had some serious conversations and acceptance that my gender dysphoria is never going to go away as long as I continue with 2 lives.  This meant that I had to admit some of my secrets to her, and now that I have spoken them out loud they seem to have a different life to them.  I am still thinking of talking with an endocrinologist next week about starting HRT to improve my mental state, but not sure what else I want from that.

All this stress and confusion seems to have gotten me to budge a little bit towards some path, but right now I feel like I have my handle on a doorknob and not really sure what I will find on the other side of the doorway.  I am hoping I have the strength to open it finally and walk through but next few weeks will be a big step towards that.  

I wish I had a crystal ball to see what lies ahead.  I am scared and afraid and need to tighten my seat belt for what comes next. 




Monday, November 8, 2021

Explaining dysphoria


How do you explain dysphoria to someone? I have been pondering that question here as I have been battling what feels like overwhelming urges and wanting to share it with my loved ones. 

 Logically this all does not make any sense. When I am in male mode I can hardly handle looking at pictures of myself or looking at my body in the mirror brings up a nauseous feeling. When I take that same body and add some female clothes, wig and makeup I suddenly can't seem to stop looking at myself and want to take selfies of me smiling. It's the same body, same brain, same everything but with a little different window dressing. 

Lately I have been obsessing over the amount of testosterone in my body and really craving to start t-blockers and estrogen again. I feel the roughness of my skin, my hair stubble, my body fat and feel paralyzed by these emotions - I can shave and add lotions and tweeze but it never seems to ever be enough. Again, these thoughts in my brain must look illogical to any outside observer. 

I have gone through this rationalization a million times and told myself I need to accept the natural situation and yet I am here resisting that idea again today. My loved ones can't understand why I having trouble with this fact and when they tell me they love my male body I feel aggravated at that statement. I feel like I have lost hope that they will have an open mind and try to understand things from my perspective so I question my feelings as being wrong. I will continue to hide because this is the path of least friction but crumble away inside as I do this. 

 I wish I could make people understand. Or maybe they are all right and then I wish I could understand and accept. I just don't know anymore these days.

Friday, October 29, 2021

Wearing a mask

As Halloween is coming up this weekend, it makes me think of the fun people have with costumes. It's fun to have one night a year where you go out in public to appear and to pretend to be someone different. Knowing this is all make believe and having fun playing the part with others. 

But what if your life is opposite - and instead daily you wear a costume that doesn't feel like you. That is how I feel inside and let me tell you it sucks. I feel trapped in a costume because that is what I am supposed to do. I feel trapped in a costume because that causes less conflict in others and doesn't bring pain to my loved ones. I feel trapped in a costume because I am afraid what will happen if I show my true self. I feel trapped in a costume because, because, well because I keep making excuses. 

I don't look forward to Halloween anymore because it just reminds me that I fake and pretend to be every day of my life. I feel that pressure to be and to pretend is getting too much sometimes and tell myself I am going to make a change and then avoid things.  I hope that somedays I can put down the charade or learn how to live better with both sides of me.  

These are my hopes for today and tomorrow.   
Hugs ~ Jaclyn

Friday, October 22, 2021

Following my heart

Hello Blog, As probably most people who question their identity, I have been wrestling with lots of existential questions in my wee little brain lately. It kinda of started with me wondering why I dislike my body and appearance so much and how the simple fact of changing clothes seems to alleviate these feelings. Why does putting on makeup allow me to take photos of myself or look in the mirror where I would loathe these acts without it - am I hiding with a mask from the outside world and needing the freedom of the disguise? These painful questions kind of lead to the heart of my gender confusion and happiness, are these behaviors folly and I should be able to just "get over them" or do I need to accept this and follow my heart to truly be happy? Following the heart seems to be an outcome that I keep coming back to over and over again. As someone that deals with logical analysis every day, this is a very hard thing for my mind to comprehend. How does one follow his/her heart and follow their dreams? What does that really mean in real life? Once again I feel like I am a point with several different paths branching off. I have gone down a few of them a bit but then lose courage come running back to the start. Nothing in my life is a straight line and I do need support both virtually and physically to move anywhere. I know what's in my heart but my mind still refuses to follow.

Saturday, October 16, 2021

cost of being authentic

Like many confused individuals stuck halfway in the gender spectrum, I have been doing lots of researching and reading stories of others to try to figure things out. One of the central themes that seem to arise from those who transition is the acceptance in one's identity and the following joy in realizing an authenthic life. This is a very big sentence and for some (like me), this can take a lifetime to achieve. I still question my self identity as it seems fluid right now and working hard to be ok with that. I think when I come clean and can speak the truth out loud without any worry of ramifications I do confess that my identity is that of Jaclyn. Someday perhaps I can change this hushed whisper to a loud scream but that is another story for another day. Once understanding one's self-identity, the next logical step of course is to take steps to start living life that way. I have started and stopped that so many times and this is where I currently wonder what I need to do to keep down the path. Maybe because my professional life is in business I tend to relate these decisions on a cost - benefit basis or whatever, but I think what is stopping me is that seemingly high cost of being authentic. I keep weighing and analyzing these costs - cost of losing friends, cost of losing family, cost of losing employment, cost of losing safe places to stay, potential cost of losing everything about my life I have ever known. And those are the physical things, I also know there is a huge emotional cost for taking everything and everyone in one's world and turning it upside down. I know speaking with my therapist and reading about this that all these costs may not come true and I am looking at the worst case scorch the earth scenario. I know that some friends and family will accept and understand and be supportive and the world is much different than it was 30-40 years ago when I was coming of age in a very conservative backward area. But I also would be foolish not to expect a significant loss and a huge emotional toll coming out to others and pursuing an authentic life. On the other hand, there is the joy of being authentic and all the positive aspects with that. I know that alot of the losses from coming out would be made up with new friends, supportive family, accepting new environments etc. I can't fathom that joy of waking up some day and just being me, looking in the mirror and feeling that I am not wrong and feeling natural as Jaclyn throughout the day without thinking about having to go back. Maybe even one day the joy of having gender confirming surgery and looking at my naked body without disgust and disdain. So I guess what I have to decide is when my inner turmoil and pain is too much that it outweighs any cost of being authentic. When do I get to that moment when I say I can't take it anymore and it is something that I need to do. How do I overcome those self-doubts and worries and not lose momentum when I do start. And what is the end goal that I want to achieve or does it matter and I should just see where I end up? These are the heavy questions on my mind evey freaking day and night andsince I can't get any answers to them, I remain frozen in place. That is not an acceptable answer as each circle back and forth only seems to lead me deeper into depression and feeling of hopelessness. I am hoping that writing out all these thoughts today will help me make some progress. I don't know if it will or what tomorrow brings. At the present today I am just going to try to make peace with things and hope for the best.

Thursday, October 7, 2021

wave of feelings

Good morning blog, I feel like in my life I go through periods where I can deny my true self and then there are times that all I can think about is how I can become the real me. I am in the latter phase right now and feel like there is a wave of feelings coming that I am powerless to fight anymore. I have been obsessing over my looks recently - brows, hips, nose, etc. and dreaming of ways to improve them. I haev been dressing regularly again and really am tempted to start investigating hrt and transition plans. I have no support network or way to do this but I currently can only think of it. My brain is getting tired resisting my heart and once I can truly make it believe that I am a woman then I don't think I can turn back again. I need help. I'm not sure what if anything I will do but can't concentrate on anything else.

Friday, October 1, 2021

In a fog

Welcome October.

Its strange that time seems to slip away so fast and keeps going faster each year.   I am still struggling with my personal fog of gender identity and this seems to preoccupy most of my free thoughts and time here.  

In my heart, I feel that need to transition and become genuine and stop hiding but my brain keeps questioning if that is what I want and can handle.  I am trying and trying but I feel like the world keeps making less sense to me.

I'm trying the therapy route again and telling myself to be honest and commit to that, but I fret that I will give up before accomplishing anything. Those clouds of despair and self-loathing are returning and I am fighting them but how do you stop a cloud that seeps in everywhere?

I appreciate this blog as I place to write and communicate but I sure miss having some friends in real life.  There are so many questions and anxious worries in my head today, I could use that shoulder for crying.  I am gonna imagine that and let those tears loose.  I hope that helps and pulls me through.  I have been starting to think of writing some more, here's the beginning of a current prose.

I wake up, get up, move around 

Lost in my head there's fog all around 

I want things to be different but I don't 

I wish I was with people but alone

This fog has me confused from what's real to me

Think I am a mistake or wired the wrong way

I should be happy for fortunes but would give them all away

Just for the moment of clarity

A moment of peace and contentment

A moment that my head and heart agree for once

A moment to shut out all the noise.

Friday, September 24, 2021

Status check

 Hello blog,

I know it has been awhile but I have been avoiding this as I have been most anything in my life that deals with Jaclyn.  Frankly after my first failed attempt at transition and suicide attempt I had tried to destroy and remove anything in my world that dealt with my female identity. I have struggled and hurt and drawn further and further within myself these past few years, but that of course is a battle I cannot win.  

I really don't know right now where I am, where I am headed or what I really want to be.  Wouldn't it be nice just to have a quick blood or some other type of test and determine this?  Dunno, all I do know is that I feel up and down and most things inside of me are 180 degrees opposite of what I appear as.

I have started trying to find a new therapist to discuss and as usual there seem to be few that are either comfortable, knowledgeable or able to understand what living with GD feels like.  I am going to keep trying and feel like I need to determine what I am and what I really want first before doing anything else. I feel alone and scared and can use all the support and love as I enter/return to step one once again.

Why does it always feel like I go in circles? I wish I really knew.  

Hugs,
Jaclyn 

Thursday, January 7, 2021

been awhile

 Hello blog...

Been awhile since I've written and since that time I have dealt with depression, anxiety, happiness and depression again.  

I feel so low at the beginning of this year since I have been suppressing myself for so long I forget how it feels to be real. I am feeling that edgeness and pain inside that I can't really describe, it just makes me feel numb to the world and want to cut myself to feel something.  

I feel like such a failure and see myself crashing here but nowhere to turn. I am beyond hoping for the better, I just want to curl up somewhere and hide.

Happy 2021 world.