I know it has been awhile but I have been avoiding this as I have been most anything in my life that deals with Jaclyn. Frankly after my first failed attempt at transition and suicide attempt I had tried to destroy and remove anything in my world that dealt with my female identity. I have struggled and hurt and drawn further and further within myself these past few years, but that of course is a battle I cannot win.
I really don't know right now where I am, where I am headed or what I really want to be. Wouldn't it be nice just to have a quick blood or some other type of test and determine this? Dunno, all I do know is that I feel up and down and most things inside of me are 180 degrees opposite of what I appear as.
I have started trying to find a new therapist to discuss and as usual there seem to be few that are either comfortable, knowledgeable or able to understand what living with GD feels like. I am going to keep trying and feel like I need to determine what I am and what I really want first before doing anything else. I feel alone and scared and can use all the support and love as I enter/return to step one once again.
Why does it always feel like I go in circles? I wish I really knew.