Tuesday, September 23, 2014

What am i

Hello blog,

I just got back from my session today and I feel more confused than ever.  I'm not really sure what sign of progress that means and while I'm trying to trust the process, I feel like ripping my hair out at times.

Probably the most confusing question is whether I consider myself male or female.  Ok duh I know just look between the legs the next time in the loo, but I sat there not able to answer this question for a long time.  What do I want the answer to be - I dunno and I am so envious of the 99% of the population that this is a no brainer for.

Deep down inside me I want to be female, I have always dreamed that somehow miraculously I'd wake up with flowing hair, softer skin, be more in touch with my emotions and spirit but I know I'll wake up looking at the same ugly mugshot later.  

In my logical side, I want to be a male and do what I am supposed to.  Be a good male role model for my family and be comfortable with my body.  I've tried that simple feeling so much and all that gets is instant frustration anymore with me.

So I want to be female sort of but know the consequences of wanting that which are worse than being a male.  Or am I just being disillusional and I just need to be slapped to wake up and realize what I really want.  I wish there could be a simple test (yes/no) or someone who will tell me the answer yet I know I'm dreaming once again.

I hate this not knowing, I wish for once in my life I could be decisive.  But I can't.



Wednesday, September 10, 2014

drowning standing still

Good morning blog,

This is probably going to be a long-winded illogical entry today as so much is floating around in my head and I need some outlet to let things out.  It is rainy and stormy outside but yet that feels so much more sunnier than my disposition.

Yesterday I started with therapist #5 in the past year and a half and I am really getting tired of starting over.  I tried to screen and select her based on having some experience with gender issues and I do hope that I will feel like I get something out of it.  I think probably I have to be the worst patient for therapists as I have trouble trusting and really opening up to a stranger after some many years of hiding, and I am nervous that she wants to talk with my prior therapists and will drop me like a rock after that conversation. I am definitely not feeling well about myself here.

I guess the root of my issue is trying to reconcile my feelings inside with reality and expectations of others. I know the psychological speak that you need to do things for yourself and damn the world but honestly I have not meet anybody who truly follows that mantra to a t.

I guess I don't really know how to explain to someone that deep down inside I feel like I was a mistake and born male by accident.  I am not saying that I want to correct this as soon as possible (although I have wished often that I would have an accident or the opportunity to do so), but really I don't know what I want to be.  I love family and children and losing mine would utterly destroy me unlike anything else.  But I can't give up the need to dress and feel like I am a woman, there just is something that resonates inside of me so much when I look in a mirror or a picture that I just can't explain in words.

I mean it seems so much easier to the outside world if someone has a drug or drinking problem that they can go to rehab and through out their alcohol or avoid situations in the future.  But I just can't remove my 'addiction' as my last therapist told me - wherever I go have the population in the world is female and it is impossible as hard as I try to avoid that mirror that presents that nagging reminder of how ridiculous my mind works.  While I know I know nothing about being a woman and I will always be a total fake, I just can't seem to give up the high feeling of going shopping and coming home with a new blouse or putting on makeup and a wig looking in the mirror and feeling good.

And thus this the crossroads where I am today, yesterday, hell almost the last 40 something years on this planet.  I hate it. I am so miserable just being stuck here without any ability to change. I just can't, I've tried and tried and am so tired of trying anymore.  I am not strong, not brave like so many others and perhaps so pathetic as I wallow here is self-despair.

I need to give up Jaclyn but I cannot, I need to let Jaclyn free but I cannot do that either. It hurts and lumps in my throat as I feel I cannot keep things together in this facade of my life much longer. I sure wish I knew something sometime soon as I cannot keep dangling alone much longer.  I hope people will understand when I'm gone but I know that won't happen either.  I just don't know.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Fall is coming again

Hello blog,
Well labor day again has come and gone and with it the end of the observed summer season. I am always a little depressed when my favorite season is coming to an end and this year is no exception.

To be truthful I am really feeling myself slip further and further down recently and can't seem to help it. I can't really explain to someone how it feels to know all the right things and should just snap out of my funk but that just doesn't happen.  I keep staring at those pill bottles and rooftops and just lie awake at 4am thinking about them. I can't help that or the patheticness that is my existence. I know this means I should go and search out another therapist, but this seems like a fruitless exercise. So what now?

I don't know. I will continue on as always being what I should be. I will continue on and disappoint everyone and myself in the process.  I will continue on until I finally forget to make that last turn in the curve in the road or mix up a nice relaxing drink. I don't know if I have much strength left, and clueless why I ever bother to write.  I wrote several new poems recently and tossed them all this morning realizing what rubbish they all were.  Perhaps that is what I need someone to do to the rubbish that is me.

I will press on as I should.  Later, Jaclyn