Hello blog.
I know its been a long time for me to write, but the truth be told I have struggled with just making it through to another day and writing seems so taxing at times.
Today I am reminiscing on the fact that it has been over 10 years since I came out to my significant other and really feel like that was the biggest mistake of my life. I don't have any progress to report except backward and several hospitalizations and failed therapy and drugs to show for it.
I just feel like I am in the bottom of a seemingly endlessly tall pit and there is never going to be any way out. I'm sorry if that is not the cheery, hopeful, positive attitude we are supposed to exhibit but I have no idea how to change.
I feel totally empty inside. I used to cry all the time but now there are no tears or emotions just me telling myself to cry. To give up. To just let go of the never ending hell that each day of my existence brings.
Sorry I didn't mean to get so dark but anyone who offers hope I am going to defecate all over them. I am so tired of pretending to be fine, to be getting better, to be happy in my privileged position in this world.
Frankly I feel I don't want anything out of this world, but as my multiple therapists have told me, I have an internal safety switch so I can rely on that to keep me around. I just don't know what being around does for me anymore.
I'm going to try to write more and be more uplifting, but I also don't want to be fake to my true feelings here. I just don't know...
