Friday, January 16, 2015

another small step forward..

Good morning blog,

I originally titled this entry first step taken although when I reflected in reality I have taken many, many tiny steps to get to this point thus far.  The least of which involve finally moving past all the years of shame and guilt and denial to finally accept that I'm me and that regardless of society that is not bad.  Step 1: understanding and acceptance check, now time to do something about it.

And doing something for me is measured on a glacial scale.  I tend to analyze, analyze, over-analyze and analyze again any decision like this which probably is maddening to everyone I know.  It's just the way I do things and I wish I had the ability to trust my gut and just go with it more often.  But finally I've done something that I can report.  My gender dysphoria or body incompatability has finally gotten too much and I need something to calm me down inside.  I just can't keep going on and on with my mind and body at war with each other and I have decided to follow my heart and start hrt.  I made my first appointment for a 3 weeks from Monday to give myself time to enjoy a last family vacation together if this step turns as I fear to be the final straw in my current situation.  Am I scared? Shitless I am.  Do I think the decision is worth the consequences?  Probably not but I cannot do this.  Am I certifiably crazy?  Well, I let those so called experts do he judging as I am tired of that.

So that is it. Probably to most others in my situation I am making a huge fuss over a molehill here but for me this is a big step.  I don't expect my appearance on the outside to change greatly but I am praying so much that it will help me find some peace on the inside.  I am hoping that as I start this next step I can also find someone in RL that I can confide and share with as I could sure use that girlfriend to have coffee or share shopping trips with so much.

Anxious, scared, happy, and a bunch of emotions here.  I'm starting to cross off days on the calendar.
Hugs, Jaclyn    

Friday, January 2, 2015

Happy New Year 2015

Happy New Years 2015 blog!

Well, it is a little late but that is due to having to have to spend the end of the last year in a hospital having a kidney stone removed.  Not the ending I would have wished for, but it did give me alot of time for self inventory and reflection for the future.

The first thought I am going to try and remedy for the future is to try and be more positive.  Or at least to not be as suicidally depressed as much as I am. I am so tired of all the energy of self-loathing and trying to hurt myself.  I am going to start by trying to compliment people as often as I can (problem a little too much of course) and then try to compliment myself a little bit.  And not on the outside physical characteristics but on my internal self emotions and feelings as well.

Secondly, I spent a long time recollecting my feelings as Jaclyn and trying to decide what to do next year. I have been trading emails with some other transgender individuals lately and have trouble relating to how they feel fine having both a male and female personality.  For me, I just wish I could get rid of my maleness altogether in both appearance and personality.  I can only look in a mirror when I imagining how nice it would be to have smooth skin, or a more angular chin or cleaner brows, etc.   Honestly inside I do feel more and more that my brain is overwhelming female regardless what the outside wrapper says it should be.

Which leads me back to the quandry that I have been stuck at for so long.  Where to go forward as in 2015 and beyond.  Is it possible to be happy being a non-transitioning transgender? Do I have the strength to leave all my friends and family to embrace those ideas deep down inside me that I am too scared to let go of?  Am I just being totally foolish on everything and making the biggest mistake of my life? I dunno.

What I am going to resolve to do is to talk this through with someone.  I have found a place that I am going to drop by here that I am hoping will lead to some answers.  What those will be I am not sure of, but I am going to try to keep on writing to help me sort this all through.

Until then, I am going to try and keep smiling.  Hugs and happy new year.