Monday, February 3, 2014

Type whatever...

Hello blog,

As I spend my days in flux reading and re-reading so much information out there that I never knew existed, I have been transfixed on understanding more about the Dr. Harry Benjamin type scale no transsexualism.  No doubt it seems like an important piece of literature, I am going to try and spend some time reading his book there   At first overview it seems a bit technical for me to grasp completely, but I have of course gravitated towards his scale diagnosis and trying to figure out where I fit in.

God that is more difficult than it should be.  I think for the most part I am safe to say I am at least 3+ since honestly I feel more and more that I was born with incongruent brain and body parts.  But then is that really what I am hoping for and really I am a 1 or 2? So damn confusing and if I had to guess I would put myself somewhere in the middle groups which seems like a crapshoot group not really committed one way or another. Argh, more inconclusive results as I try and decipher why I am the way I am.

I know that I need to find some balance here, but I really just want someone to tell me to go one way or another and it to be right. I love my family and I love being Jaclyn, why can't that be right.  My physical body says that I am a man and my heart wishes I was a woman. When I think about it, I know little about what being a man is and even less about what being a woman involves. So what do I really know?

Or what is it that I don't know now, perhaps never and will have this confusion to deal with always.  I guess I am type whatever, does that really matter anyways.   As my latest poem states, perhaps I am lost and unable to go.


Unable to Go
Looking for reason in an nonsense world,
Hoping when the outcome is known,
Dry tears down my cheek I let flow,
I wish that wrong wasn't all that I know.

Never flinching but feeling the pain,
Looking in mirrors but not seeing me,
Feeling different than the reflection it does show,
I wish that wrong wasn't all that I know.

Anger, rage and despair I bottle up inside,
Hope, dreams, and love I desperately hide,
Fear, angst, and confuion impede me from inside,
To take one small step I am completely froze.

I guess I don't know what I want to be,
Why can't I be satisfied with all that I see,
Will I ever quiet these demons that follow me,
Why can't I escape and let them all go?

One more day passes without any resolve,
One more example why I am a lost cause,
One more time I'm unable to move forward so,
I am so lost and unable to go.