Tuesday, December 27, 2016

my year in review

Hello blog,

2016 has seem like a year of taking steps forward and backward, and as I sit here and reminisce I feel that need to write some of these down to remind myself of them someday later.

This year started with me seemingly trying to hold on to my so-called normal expected life and ending with my feeling like nothing may quite be normal ever again.  Ok, so I may be a bit dramatic, but it from my perspective things seem to be out of my control more than ever here.  Anyways the first few months were pretty uneventful but as spring arrived it seemed like my dsyphoria and depression intensified again.  I found myself staring at clothes and then adding to my wardrobe even though I was hating myself for doing it.  As summer came on I started cutting myself again and had a few mornings were functioning was just not possible. I needed to get out as Jaclyn so badly even though I felt horrible and weak for doing so.  You know I could tell myself a million times why I should be happy and not have these feelings but inside this seemed like something I just needed.  I managed to take a few trips out as Jaclyn to enjoy the summer yet every time I had to but things away again I fell apart.

In the fall, I had an out-of-town work trip which was a fabulous vacation away as Jaclyn during each night.  It felt so liberating and alive to be able to go out on a few dates and I thoroughly enjoyed most of it.  But the last night I fell apart again with the depression and guilt which ended with a handful of pills, a razor blade and me lying there naked crying alone in a filled bathtub.  I am not sure what snapped me out of that but that was only a preview of how bad I was going to feel in the coming weeks.

My life literally felt like shit afterwards and functioning seemed difficult. I spent most nights wide awake and yet didn't want to get out of bed in the morning.  Cutting became a relief and started to become more addictive to the point that I was running out of hidden places to slice.  Finally I wrote a note, took a butcher knife, and just sat on my kitchen floor with it at my throat trying to will my hand to just end the mistake that is my life.  I sat there for I don't know how long as my legs feel asleep from the awkward angle until I finally gave up again.  I felt so alone that night and still battle with thoughts of going back to that place.

After finally confiding these feelings to my therapist, I followed her advice and went back to the gender clinic.  I think I freaked them out with my thoughts of suicide there and spent a good long time talking about handling these impulses.  I left there with my first prescription for HRT and starting this November I looked myself in the mirror and took my first dosage.

I have been on all types of anti-depressants but the first estrogen pills felt so good inside.  It was like the warm comforting feeling of a nice hot bath and floating away blissfully for a few moments as my body absorbed them.  I didn't expect this feeling but soon came to crave it and is something I look so forward to as my daily retreat.  Physically I did not feel much in the first few weeks but once my chest started to hurt I knew that changes were coming.  Emotionally I was so over the board that I haven't noticed any changes from previously but keep bracing for those effects.

As December arrived here, I got the chance to relax and take a few Jaclyn days here.  I took some small steps in getting my eyebrows done and my first bra-fitting (hopefully to help the really sensitive chest now) and most importantly my first hair-removal consult.  I broke down in the chair there as I have been dreaming of riding the gruesome, disgusting, revolting hair for practically ever since puberty.  I don't think there is one single part of my body I hate more than my body hair and just to talk about finally doing something just felt so so good. Anyhow, I feel like there are some small steps here that I have taken and start to feel after 6 weeks that perhaps there is a path for Jaclyn maybe.

But I am so worried and anxious.  I still just do not know what to do or what my next step should be.  I have a follow-up with the clinic in the beginning of next year and still unsure if I should go.  I feel ashamed and not genuine as a trans person since I harbor these doubts, and not able to voice these to anyone.  I know I could probably find someone to understand if I attended a social or support group, but that is just not what I am able to do and that makes me so sad and alone.  I have shared only a little bit with my soulmate of my inner thoughts and worry constantly on the day when I can no longer hide away.  I feel destined to be alone, to be miserable, to be a failure and yet I don't seem to be able to give up the dream of being Jaclyn someday.  I will have literally nothing then besides a big hole in my heart and think that I may just spare this one day by just ending things.

I just don't know and don't feel like I am in control anymore.  Please help me 2017 as I hope for brighter days ahead.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Happy holiday wishes

As the holiday season here in the U.S. reaches its peak this coming week, I just wanted to send out a warmest holiday wish to all my online friends and soon-to-be friends.  This year has been another constant struggle for me with what seemed like taking steps forward and back and sideways and every which way at times.  I am hoping that the small changes that I have started to make over the last few months are a signal for the start of brighter days, and just want to thank all of those for their support and encouragement here and promise to return any small bit that I can.  No matter what holiday you do or do not observe, wishing you love, happiness, joy and peace this season.

Warmest hugs,  Jaclyn

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Month 1 reflections

Dear blog,

This morning reached a reflective moment in my journey here as I have completed my first month with estrogen treatments.  So far it has been a total mixture of emotions - calmness, anxiety, happiness, sadness, confusion which have roiled me since before I started so I cannot blame the chemicals on this.

How do I feel overall - that is a tough question, but good I think.  I know physically not to expect anything yet but I do seem to notice some slight changes.  I think most of it is just a mind trick, but for the past two weeks I have noticed the boobs feeling fuller and definitely sensitive.  I kinda of freaked out when I first noticed this but after reading more literature I felt assured to expect this sort of thing.  Yesterday when I was out shopping my bra was hurting as the bottom strap kept rubbing so I know I need to get a good bra fitting soon.  I just feel a little like a teenage girl starting out and looking for them in the store.  Anyway, that will be for another post.

Yesterday I did take another step for myself and started to address the hair removal issue.  Ever since my body hairs had started growing, this has been the most disgusting part of my body.  Probably for close to 30 years I have been fantasizing about getting my face rid of the ugly stuff and remember once as a young kid wanting to buy nair and slather the stuff all over me.  I always felt wrong and different for having these thoughts and have come so long to change my views.  I had a nice appointment yesterday and have come up with a plan to start with a combo of laser/electrolysis at the start of the new year when I have saved up some money for this.  I literally broke down in the consult room after talking about this as the emotions of waiting so long came and took over me.  I am so glad I have chosen a place with transgender experience as they seemed to understand this all.

So that is where I stand today, and tomorrow I start month 2.  I still have some really anxious moments and freak outs where I wonder what the hell I am doing and how I ever expect to get there.  I wish I could say I don't have this moments but I do and this does worry me so.  I am just going to try to shut off the brain and follow the heart but it is hard to change ones patterns.  I still have some major steps ahead that I am afraid of what will all happen, but I cannot control those today.

Till then.  Hugs, Jaclyn

Monday, November 28, 2016

learning to love oneself

Hello blog,

This part holiday weekend I've had plenty of time to relax and reflect upon myself and I feel the need to express it today here.  I realize that how drastic and horrible I make things out to be, I really have lots to be thankful for and need to spend more time on the positive aspects rather than my shortcomings. Easier typed than done, huh?

So anyways, while I have noticed some slight physical changes since starting HRT, my emotional state has definitely been changing the most.  I feel much more calmer and relaxed, and so far it just feels right to have estrogen in my body.   I may be completely fooling myself in believing this is the reason why, but I know I haven't cut myself lately and have been feeling good for a bit.  Right now I feel somewhat safe in knowing I could stop and go back to the ways things were, but mentally imagining going back seems impossible.

Last week I took the time to dress up nice and go out for a bit.  I really enjoyed having this time for me and somewhere in the middle of getting ready it seemed like a different emotion took over my thoughts.  It sorta of was like instead of trying to be Jaclyn I just somehow became Jaclyn.  Ok it may sound really corny, but I'm still searching for the terms or words to describe the feelings of the night.  All I knew at that time was that it just felt right inside and I found myself taking my guard down and enjoying the moment.

While I stopped getting ready and sat down on a chair, I took stock of myself and my feeling.   No matter how ridiculous I looked at that moment half-dressed and half done-up, I actually felt that I liked my body and myself.  If I have felt this way before, I couldn't seem to remember as it seems I have been spending my whole life looking at my body and thinking instead how disgusting it was.  I don't remember finishing getting ready, but I do remember spending time in front of a mirror for the first time in so long.

So that was my little bit of self-realization and my little step of my journey this past week.  I know that I need to keep working on loving myself more often.  This is a hard task for me and one that will take alot of work, but hopefully I will get there and be more of the person that I want to be.

Until then, hugs.


Friday, November 18, 2016

Week 1 reflections

Hello blog,

I'm not going to try to keep periodic updates but given that I have just finished my first week on hormones I thought it would be a good time for an update.

So far I would not report any drastic changes especially none physically.  I've also resolved to try to exercise more and diet to lose weight but that is not easy for me.  Being vegetarian I have read about reducing soy so I have been struggling with another good protein source.  I'm just worried about the whole diet thing as we are heading into the holiday period of overeating and sweets.  Wish me luck navigating this season lol.

While there are no physical changes, I have been feeling a little more mellower this past week.  I know this is mostly mental, but usually shortly after my daily dosage I feel a little warm relaxation sort of wash over me and leave me with a nice calm feeling.  It is so relaxing and feels good inside, sort of like slipping in a nice warm bathtub after an exhausting day.  I noticed this feeling after the first few days and now look forward to it so i am not sure if it is real or something I manufactured in my head.  But either way, it gives me something to look forward to.

I am looking forward to a nice thanksgiving holiday next week and will be keeping on my path.  I may be trudging along in baby steps, but perhaps at least I am trying to go somewhere now.


Friday, November 11, 2016

My first dose

Hello blog,

After a long and tiring week here, today marks a new day and perhaps a new start for myself.  After a long, long, long time of indecision, I have just taken my first hrt dosage.  I sort of feel a lot like Alice in wonderland with the tempting bottle that says drink me, but at last check I haven't ballooned up bigger than a house or shrunk to nothing yet.

I start down this path not sure where I will go or where it is going to lead me. All I know is right now I can't continue the daily struggle and feelings of hopelessness and failure.  I don't want to commit suicide but those thoughts seem to continue to come back to me much to often.

I don't know how long I will continue on this road or what the future may bring.  Today was only the first day to continuing my self discovery.  Please wish me luck since I need as much as I can get.


Tuesday, November 8, 2016

death and rebirth?

Hello blog,

I think I am officially crazy. Or at least I feel I know what crazy feels like as it seems like so much a struggle to have two personas inside of me constantly.   As I am getting closer to my appointment this week with the local gender clinic to discuss transitioning, I keep thinking about the internal struggle to present one 'normal' personality to the world and the one inside me that feels right.

Which leads me to wonder that to truly transition does that mean you need to kill off one side to birth the other?

In my situation at least that seems the case.  I am so freaking nervous about going to the gender clinic not because I am excited about the possibilities but because it means the end of everything I have been before. It means that I will be turning my back on my family, my career, everything.  I don't know anything what I am getting into here and feel that keeping moving forward is moving forward selfishly and maybe foolishly.

So I am feeling depressed, feeling down and thinking alot about death.  I have been frightening myself more recently as last night I totally lost it and ended up on the kitchen floor alone pressing a butcher knife to my throat and thinking that this may be a better alternative.  Of course I didn't do it since I am still typing but I collapsed and just cried and felt so tired afterwards.

I don't know where tomorrow leads or if there will be a tomorrow anymore. I feel so lost and desperate and don't think professional help will even do any good anymore.  I think I am crazy. Make that I know I am.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

living with identity disorder

Hello blog,

As someone dealing with a lifetime of gender confusion and dsyphoria, I found myself once again sitting in therapy unable to find the correct words to explain these continuous feelings that permeate my thoughts.

For those of the 'normal' population that don't really think about their gender this probably seems quite frivolous and not make alot of sense.  For those like myself that spend hours laying awake at night thinking how much better their life would be if they were born into the other gender's physical form, simply stated this whole thing sucks and is something that I would never wish upon anyone.

Living like this is a constant struggle, no matter what I try to do to logically accept the body I was born into I just loathe looking at myself from any angle.  I have gotten to the point that I get dressed/undressed anymore inside our walk-in closet not because I am trying to hide from others but to avoid seeing myself naked in the large mirror in our bedroom vanity.  I am embarrassed and disgusted by my appearance and while this may seem shallow, I struggle so much to feel good inside because how I feel I look on the outside.

I don't really know how to explain the hours spent looking in a mirror and trying to visualize things that you know others don't really see there.  Or how just putting on women's clothes makes me feel at ease and beautiful inside.  There is something so liberating and freeing just stepping outside and being Jaclyn in the world that I can't explain, it just feels good and right to me.

If I could bottle those feelings up for these days when life doesn't allow me to come out I would spend everything for it.  It just seem to gets so much harder every time to get that genie back into the bottle once I finally let myself to be free.

I don't know how much longer I can continue to walk this line balancing between two worlds.  I feel each day is a new fight between the mind and the heart and it is eating me from within.

I don't really know much who I am anymore and who I want to be.  I don't really know much of anything except I need help.


Wednesday, October 12, 2016

post-national coming out day

Good morning blog,

Having my coffee here this morning and taking a few moments to collect my thoughts before starting another work day.

Specifically I was browsing the web and reading posts for friends celebrating yesterday's national coming out day.  It is a bittersweet feeling looking at their smiles and sharing their thoughts here.  I am so happy and proud of each and everyone that stood up in his or her own way and proclaimed to the world that I am me and I am proud of whom I am.  It also leaves a bit of despair here in my heart wishing that I would be there with them.

Unfortunately life is really messy at times and I am not yet to the step to share Jaclyn with more than a few guarded close friends.  So instead I was thinking it would be real nice to have some website or online blog to share my own coming out in a more anonymous safe way.  I am guessing that this would be probably counter to the whole idea of coming out, but hey for now this is the best I can be.  So here goes it.

I am Jaclyn, I am strong and not ashamed anymore of who I am.  I am trans and I am an individual with feelings and not someone just to be associated with a pronoun.  I may look different from others, but inside I love and cry and share and care just like everyone else.  I am going to be me and free these chains that hold me back someday, and I am proud of myself.

Well that felt good.  I know it was really so little in the face of all my sisters and brothers who actually state these things out loud, but I promise I am working on it so that I can join them someday.


Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Tiny little steps

Hello blog,

It has been a tiring past week as I have felt in crisis mode once again.  I know that it is not a reasonable place to be at all the time but I feel like I am powerless sometimes over things and sliding further and further down.  Where exactly that is to I have no clue and wish someone would tell me.

So yesterday I embarked on making a few tiny steps once again.  I spent time getting into Jaclyn mode and then spend the entire hour with my counselor talking about what the next steps I should take and what things will happen after them.

I'd be a total liar if I didn't say I was scared shitless. Prospects either direction look fraught with tragedy and irreversible decisions even without me being the drama queen I am.  I decided and actually made another appointment with the gender clinic to discuss hrt and whether it is right or not for me.  I feel like I owe it to myself to understand this and to get some professional opinion even if it is not the answer I want to hear.  There was a very kind doctor I visited with last time at the clinic so I made sure I would see him again this time.  He is popular so that will postpone the appointment until November but that is okay since it will give me a month to get my self in order.

And the biggest thing I need to get in order is saying out loud the things I feel in my heart.  It is one thing to type out that I feel like I was born a mistake and want help to learn how to become a woman on an anonymous blog like this, and another thing to actually say that to ones I love and cherish.  I keep things so closed and inside me that times like this I wish I had someone to share coffee with and to hug me and give me some good advice, but that requires a two-way friendship which I am not very good at.

So when I do manage to vocalize my feelings, do I really know what that statement means or how much things are going to change or how I am going to accomplish it?  Not one damn idea of it. God I wish I had a machine to look into the future as that would help me sleep alot better rather than spend each night worrying and hoping how things will turn out.

So that's about it, I have a month here to get myself prepared to figure out what I am going to do next. Sounds pathetic when I type this out but I guess that is where I am at this moment.  I think the biggest step is to be true and honest with my wife on my feelings and I am so scared of the rejection again of telling her where I am.  She seemed to be ok with the gender dsyphoria when we didn't talk about it, and this will be way past the line of talking.  I know that I owe it to her and to me to come clean, it just seems like such a daunting task to do.


Friday, September 30, 2016

Why am I looking for validation?

Hello blog,

It feels like its been a tumultuous few weeks for me personally and I wonder if it is dealing with the tough of gender of dysphoria or if it is me finally saying enough and giving in to my true inner self.

You know I spend so many hours researching, reading blogs, watching you tube videos and searching trans material and wonder why I do this or why I am so obsessed with it.  Just today I was frantically searching for the quick and easy click here and take this test to tell if you are trans and should transition even though I know such a thing would be completely foolish and inaccurate.

Truth to be told I know why I was searching for it.  I so want something to tell me definitely that I am trans and that I should transition. I want something to tell me that I should live my life as a female and that all my wishing that I was born that way is for a purpose.  I want somebody to tell me to transition and that things will all work out.

I want this validation and happy fairy book ending.

Unfortunately life is not like this and each day I wake thinking I'm a failure and a fraud and completely pathetic by not doing anything.  It hurts so bad so deep inside that I hide away and feel so distant from reality. I don't know how in words to explain this pain and wanting to someone non-trans but I really want to.  I used to feel so close to the edge of of being between two worlds, but now I feel that I am slipping down into needing to transition and no matter how furious I fight it, I can't get back to that middle ground.

I literally feel like I am ripping apart trying to maintain what the world wants from me and I worry I cannot hold up much longer.  I guess I want some validation that I am not a failure, some validation that I am not crazy, some validation that I am not making the biggest mistake of my life, some validation that things will get better.

If only there was a simple test for that.  I just wish.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016


Some days are tougher than others and today is no exception to the rule.  Lately I have been really struggling alot with my gender identity and trying to get back on to writing to help alleviate some of that pressure.

For those who are happy with two genders and even those that feel comfortable with the one they were genetically born into I know that I seem rather confusing.  I keep thinking to myself why I wasn't born a woman and how much better my life would be.  Of course it is so much easier with would bes that dealing with as is.  But honestly I have often asked this question since I was a teenager and watching how puberty made me feel awful.

I have often thought about my cross-dressing need as swimming and needing the occasion to bob up for air and experience life before diving down to make some progress.  But lately that analogy doesn't work as I feel like fighting my dysphoria is a losing battle here.  Somewhere deep inside me tells me that I need to transition, I have no idea how to or how to make a go of it, but this need is feeling all-encompassing.

I just can't go on much longer I fear and this will have drastic consequences to my whole world and for all those I love.  I am scared shitless and have my heart in my throat thinking of saying these things out loud and even writing them down seems hard. I just don't know which way to turn and feel so lost.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Stuck in-between

Hello blog,

You know that every time I think I've figured something out I start analyzing all the what-ifs of the situation and end up back where I started.  Sort of like a turtle that has been flipped on her back that pushes and pushes to right its way up but slips and ends up spinning on her hind side again.  

Right now, the urge and the desire to quit faking my life and follow the t word (transition dare I speak it) is pulling strong inside of me.  Emotionally I want to push my chips all in and just go for it, logically I sit here and ponder the absurdity and if I have the strength to do that. 

I just spent last week at a work conference playing conservative business man during the day only to change each night and see the town as Jaclyn.  And I felt so much better and comfortable being Jaclyn that going back has been really really hard.  I broke down the last day just thinking that this was coming and haven't fully recovered from that yet.  I honestly want to run away and start anew and true and as Jaclyn but lack the fortitude to take this step.  I so look up to all the trans-sisters before me that have done just that and would love to talk with them to understand if the gains far exceeded the losses in their lives at this step.

I still don't know who I am and where I fall in the gender line besides somewhere in-between male and female.  I think I really want that line to be female and dream about that every night. If only I had a fairy godmother to make things all right.

Here are a few shots of my new hair style and my time out in Vegas for me to remember.  Each day I feel closer and closer to making my dreams come true.

Hugs & Kisses, Jaclyn

Friday, September 2, 2016

pink fog?

Good morning blog,
I think one of the things about dealing with a life of gender dsyphoria is that you tend to read a ton of books, blogs, websites, etc. of others whom have gone down this path before.
Lately I have been dealing with the issue others have termed the 'pink fog'.  Meaning that after being able to feel free and wonderful and spend time as Jaclyn, I am really struggling with the transition back to my 'normal' life again.
Really inside right now I want to not do that.
I am so so tired of playing this charade with others, I feel so fake and ungenuine trying to be what others want me to be.
I only want to be Jaclyn.  Just typing these words makes me feel warm and good inside. There is so much that I want and have no plans or idea how to get there but I want to.  I feel inside that I need to as I feel the other life is choking me away.
Am I totally crazy?  How do I start this conversation with friends, with co-workers with anyone else outside?
I look in the mirror and it feels so revolting and just thinking about it burns me inside.
I need some help, I just don't know how to do that.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Enjoying the summer

Good morning blog,

I wanted to write a few words today as I am in a better mood here.  I've had the opportunity to enjoy some me time over the past few weeks and have found it very refreshing.  I know I am going to struggle over the next few weeks as my schedule gets busy and time difficult, but for today I am enjoying the high of just being me.  For all the women out there that are strong enough to face this each day I still stand in so much awe, and still don't have the fortitude to endure that as much I would dream.

One of the things I enjoy most is going shopping and trying out different looks.  This past week I went for a longer dress and attempt at a classy look.  No I still don't pull it off but I'll keep practicing until I do.

Anyways, here's to the coming last few weeks of the summer and I'll try to enjoy them if I can.
Hugs, Jaclyn

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Hello blog,

I need to write today because I feel like i am absolutely on the proverbial edge once again.  My mind feels so swamped with thoughts and feelings and I feel like just crawling up in a corner to cry.  I want some much to be Jaclyn and leave everything else behind, and I can't seem to focus on much else.  This is so maddening and crazy and I just want to blurt this outloud to someone and damn the consequences.  God I am such a drama queen! I just don't know as I feel like I am heading down a road and can't turn back around.  I want to run and stop at the same moment. I am so confused and lost.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

stuck in the middle

Good morning blog,

As this week I celebrate my unofficial birth of coming out to my family three years ago, I have been doing one of the few things I do best - pondering and dwelling on my situation.

Really it is not healthy and definitely not productive but it is like staring at a car accident, you know you shouldn't but you seem fixed and frozen studying the scene.

I'm not really sure what three years has brought me besides many hours of therapy and listening to how I shouldn't be so depressed and how my childhood issues seem to cause this and that behavior.  I don't even know why I go and talk with anyone since it seems like a big circular conversation and I end up in the same place.

I am still in hiding ,perhaps even more so as I worry and fret about coming out again.  I feel so lonely and down and just wish I had just one live person that I could share and cry on their shoulder.  I feel so weak and lost, and wish I could make things better.

I don't know where I'm going or what I want. I just hate being stuck here in the middle.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

panic attack

Hello there blog.

This morning I feel like I am falling apart in a panic attack and need somewhere to write so I am using this blog to try and save my sanity.

I've been taking my t-blocker now for around 2.5 weeks and it feels good. I don't think there are any physical changes and this is probably all in my head but I'm feeling better. In my dysphoric view of myself, I feel like my skin is getting softer, my body hair lightening, my shape getting curvy.  I know none of this is happening but I can't stop imaging it is.  I keep focusing more and more on grooming my eyebrows, gesturing and posturing more feminine, and thinking about being a woman.  When I sleep, more and more of my dreams are about being female.  

And I want more.  I am so scared to admit this and can't speak it out loud.  I feel so torn and stressed and distracted and want to focus on something different but I can't.  I want to go back to the clinic and get the full hormone regimen and to take them.  Those words and actions seem so blissful yet I know that isn't the truth as well.  I know I can't suspend the world or that someone won't kidnap me and support my transformation and that any of those actions would have irreversible consequences.

I just really really really want it right now and am shaking with admitting to this.  I feel so scared and alone and confused.  I just don't know... 

Monday, May 9, 2016

dealing with dsyphoria

Today is being a difficult day.  I know things should be brighter as we are finally having nice weather and I should be thankful for so much.  But I'm not, I'm struggling with my gid today.

I recently got a social media post reminding me that it has been now 4 years since I came out and talked to someone about my gender dsyphoria after holding it inside for so long.  I don't really know how much this has all helped as I feel worse off on somedays that before.  Today is one of them.

I don't really know how to describe it - it is a like something that my mind fixates upon and a constant buzzing reminder of how wrong I am.  I just hate my male anatomy so much and want to run away and change all of it.  Hate is a strong word and when it is the first one that comes to mind when you think about yourself it can be downright debilitating.

I wish I had the strength to make a change in my life but I am too weak to.  I've waited and watched and been so proud of so many others that are so much stronger than me.  I just want to run out of here right now, put on a sundress and take a walk in the park and breathe in a new life.  But I am planted here not able to move and just want to scream. This madness seems to be too overwhelming.

I keep fantasizing about some prince charming to come and take me away, to believe in me to support me and to change my life for the better.  That pretty woman dream will never come true and I know that I am the only one that can do that.  I feel so pathetic to hold on to some fairy tale dream.

So I am still here, my mind racing and feeling so low and depressed and spiraling further down, down, down until who knows.  I wish I knew how to make things better and deal with the struggling within.  I wish I could talk to someone and know they would understand and give me some hope.  I wish and wish and wish and not very much more.

I feel like today is going to be another struggle again.