Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Christmas Wishes

Dear blog,

Well today I finished up the last of my Christmas shopping with the exception of a few stocking stuffers.  It always feels good to wrap presents knowing I don't have to follow the hordes of last minute shoppers.  I even took some time out to do some looking for myself (although probably will wait for the after Christmas sales) and was in the mood to do some writing while enjoying a coffee here.  This is probably about as cheerful of any poetry I write so it did feel a bit strange.  But I am really hoping for a happy holidays and to at least enjoy myself for a bit.  I did miss out on any Christmas outings but tomorrow will get to debut my holiday outfit for a friend so I am looking forward to some Jaclyn time there.

Well, this is a short update today but I do have some more news to share in my next posting.  Until then, wishing you a happy and warmest holiday season to enjoy.
~~Hugs~~ Jaclyn

Holiday snow
Grey skies overhead,
Quietness all around,
Solitutude in the world,
A snowflake falls on the ground,

Warm sun reflects stillness,
Chill is in the air,
Peaceful scenery to observe,
A stirring everywhere,

Down in the lane,
A dog's bark faintly hear,
The shush of a shovel,
The crunching of boots approaches near,

Children make an appearance,
Eyeing a snowbank, singing a song,
More people arrive bundled up,
Greeting parents trudging along,

Snowflakes are now flying,
Faster now everywhere, 
Noises are still growing,
Caroling fills the air,

Oh what a wonderful time it's the holiday season,
Children laughing, playing, having fun
People sharing goodwill to everyone

Chill is now broken, 
Warm hearts do embrace,
Snow is still falling, 
An ever-increasing pace,

Oh how the magic of the holidays surround us,
Singing, sharing, gathering us together,
Noises ringing round and warm spirits everywhere,

Slowly the snow falls,
Singling voices start to dim,
Children rush home to their houses,
Memories to store within,

Swiftly the sidewalks,
Beginning thier empty pace,
Pets lead their owners away,
Footprints the only trace,

Loving memories abound, 
Goodwill to share,
Silence recaptures the scene,
Deafness fills the air,

Slowly the last snowflake floats down,
Settles on a bank somewhere near,
A fulll moon fills the horizon,
Peacefullness and goodwill everywhere.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Year in review

Hello blog,

As the calendar comes to a close to 2013, I thought it would be time to look back and look forward on the chaotic year it was with me.

In terms of taking some fine heeled strides, this year has been an up-and-down one and at times an exercise in compltete confusion. Overall, I feel like I have not made all the progress I wanted, but I'll try not to beat myself up and remember things go slowly as my therapist tells me.  You know from reading many other trans blogs and books out there, I see the once you decide something that you want to rush ahead and stop wasting another day behind pattern and would have to confess that I felt that way many times myself.

But what am I myself anyway?  Frankly I'm tired of trying to classify that and rather trying to figure out more what I want to be.  So anyways, enough of rambling and on to my recap.

I started out the year still feeling the need to come out and more and more built up my wardrobe. It was crazy what once was only a small collection seemed to almost multiple overnight as shopping always makes me feel good.  And shoes, I have a weakness for something cute and never realized how much fun shoe shopping could be until I let go of jacki.

I worked on my hair and makeup, and after so many test drives around in safety, made that first adventure out in the scary world.  Okay, so I went with another girlfriend and we went to safe LGBT section of town, but dammit it felt so nice to be out of the closet once.  I'll remember two things from that night - (1.) looking around and realizing that the crowd was not sitting there staring back at me, and (2.) really needing badly to pee but being so deathly afraid of the bathroom that I sat there with my legs tightly crossed for the last half hour or so.

After finally conquering that fear, I could hardly wait to venture out and I felt that Jaclyn had left the closet never to return.  Outfits continued and I found the time between these moments like struggling against the current, bobbing up to steal a quick moment or two to relax beforing having to suppress these instincts again.  After setting up some many sessions and then chickening out, I finally decided it was time to talk with someone and try and understand me.

That was a very emotional month as I am a big crier I don't thnik I spoke more than a dozen or so words that first meeting between sobs.  I soon found myself sharing more and more and looking forward to visiting with my therapist as a free time to be Jaclyn with her.  This was so nice but I wanted more since I guess I am a greedy person.

I decided that it was time to stop all the hiding and come out to my wife finally and accept who I am.  I have never, ever, ever been so frightened in all my life and really didn't think I could do this as I had tried so many times.  But I felt the need to be Jaclyn obsessing my thoughts, my dreams, my wishes and the guilt and shame of hiding away from her was too overbearing.  So after a dozen or so re-writes, I did it and came clean finally.  Probably looking back a big mistake but I couldn't wait much longer.

Of course that bombshell was disasterous and almost landed me alone.  Those few months this summer were so, so hard and dark as I tried to talk though her what I needed.  Were these feelings due my childhood and/or lack of self-confidence and not genuine were some the questions I was not able to return.  Or at least didn't want to and still want to avoid as I watched my world start to crumble around me.

As part of the reconcilation, I gave up Barbara then and tried someone new that I immeadiately hated.  I tried to stop cold turkey but to no avail those feelings came back and ashmaedly I enjoyed so much letting Jaclyn have a fun shopping trip on the side.  But the shame and guilt seemed to return tenfold now and I felt as low as ever before and won't go into some of my thoughts.

Hoping to start a new chapter, I purged once again and immeadiately felt that was a huge mistake. Soon afterwards I found myself up on the roof at work just wondering about things and my crying spells seem to have returned again.

So I decided to try someone new, someone that I am trying to trust although that is a very hard thing for me to do.  I feel at least I can relate to a female counselor so much better even if I think I throughly confuse her many times over.  I've started to build up the wardrobe again slowly, and I feel the need to be Jaclyn returning again more and more frequently and taking up so many of my thoughts.  I long to dress up, I long to go out and I long to hug another sister and feel the acceptance and love of others without judgement.  I see the online advertisement for the chicago area Christmas party and so very much wish I could attend, I sort of feel like Cinderella watching others going to the ball but I don't have a mean stepmother but just myself holding me back. Above all, I just want to be - happy, not standing out and not feeling like I left some many people down - and I want to look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman looking back at me.

So what will next year bring?  I have made resolutions before and promises to myself that I haven't kept so I will not go down that path since I honestly don't know which one I am on.  I love my wife and my daughter as family is the most important thing in the world to me, but Jaclyn does seem to ever want to stay away any longer.  I fantasize about the same things other transwomen in my shoes have thought about - HRT, cosmetic surgery, electrolysis and perhaps someday being full-time and preparting for SRS.  I don't feel like I have anywhere safe to go so I will continue to blog here as my sole outlet and for its theupatic benefits for myself.

Lastly, I am hoping that in 2014, I will feel to love myself for who I am.  I've made that statement so often in the past and need so much courage to make it more that just empty words.  I know I should feel fortunate for all that I have, so I am going to try and take the little things as the come and celebrate them.

So I am hoping for a better new year.  Wishing a very happy holidays and solistice, and sending out a warm hug out there.


Monday, November 25, 2013

holidays approaching

Good monday morning blog,

This week officially starts the holiday season with a busy schedule of Thanksgiving / Hannukah / Christams kick-off slated for the end of the week.  I feel so unprepared and overwhelmed at how everything gets crammed together here, but mostly I have lots of anxiety dealing with family and reconcilation.

Ever since my "coming out" this past year, it has felt really awkward being around my wfe's family. While they say they are supportive and accepting, it still seems like there is an air of cautiousness and unease when I am around in a casual setting with them.  It hurts me sometimes that I think my sister-in-law feels a bit apprehensive and worried of me being around my niece. I guess I can understand that is natural protection instinct on her part, I just wonder if this is start of me drifting further and further away and that makes me sad.

I also have lots of anxieties and issues to work out with my family, not the least of with is accepting that I am definitely not the son they wanted and that's ok.  With Thanksgiving and my Mom's birthday coming up I fell into that guilt trap and send her a bouquet of flowers today.  I wish that I could be closer to her and actually share more, but those things are just empty wishes.

I could really use a warm hug right now and for someone to tell me things are going to be ok.  I did some shopping last week and added to my replenshing wardrobe by adding a cute black dress and a nice causal blouse.  I even tried to expand my color palette by accesorizing with a colorful scarf, which pleasantly suprised me how it helped accent the outfit.  There is a holiday party here in Chicago that I would absolutely love to go to and wear this outfit out to, but that is not possible in the current situation.  I feel like Cinderella waiting on my fairy godmother but I know that fantasy tale is another empty wish of mine.  So I will hunker down and make do keeping up the pretense for another holiday, and perhaps next year will be a different season.

Wishing everyone out there a Happy Thanksgiving.  I am really thankful that I don't have to worry about alot of things in my life that others deal with each day, and we will do our best to help with the local food pantry again for a small token to help those out there.


Monday, November 18, 2013

Somewhere in between

Finally it appears the storm clouds that have been with us this weekend are breaking up and another crisp, chilly November sky looms overhead.  I've been doing alot of soul searching and deep thinking lately so that has spurred on several poetic outbursts from me. The other day I noticed a woman wearing a pair of very cute knee high boots and then felt ashamed when I went to approach her to ask her where she got them from. I wish I knew why I have these thoughts or understood them better, but I feel I guess I have to keep struggling with them for awhile before anything makes sense.  I have been doing some reading on the gender binary and what that means so that inspired the poem below.  Hope you enjoy.


Somewhere in between

The closest door clicks,
                             I venture out,
                                               Into confusion, I wander about,

Glance in mirror,
                       Perplexed just to see,
                                                 Hating myself, for just being me,
Trying to love,
                     Trying not to be ashamed,
                                                   Eyes stinging and burning, my cries in vain,

Wish I knew why,
                           These need that I feel,
                                                  Thinking I'm wrong, thinking I'm not real

This is the burden of trying to live somewhere in between.

I've spend my whole life, pretending to be,
Someone people can accept, someone they'll see,
With deep hate for myself, for being born this way,
My softness true insides, I mask and hide away,
This gender binary, its so hard to achieve,
Somewhere inside my two souls long to be free.

Sometimes I feel,
                       On the side of a cliff,
                                                   Dangling and scrambling, with no relief,

No safety rope,
                    I can't return back,
                                               Afraid of ahead, of accepting the fact,

Should I just let go,
                            And accept a hard landing,
                                                      Or will it be soft, and understanding,

I'm frozen in place,
                         Struggling to hold up my weight,
                                                      Until the time comes for my inevitable fate,

I'm struggling to try and live somewhere in between.

Where I have been, what I struggle to be,
Is all just a ruse, a pretense I let others see,
Would anyone notice, would anyone care,
If instead of all this, I just wasn't there,
This gender binary, its so hard to achieve,
Somewhere inside, my two souls long to be free.

So I look up ahead,
                  And I look back behind,
                                         For some clear vision, to uncloud my mind,

I don't trust my past,
                  Everything feels like one big mistake,
                                         I consistently go the wrong, no matter the choice I make,

I'm feeling so lost,
                 Just an empty shell,
                                   A prisioner to this facade, I know to well,

My desperate pleas,
                 I hang in the air,
                                   No matter what rescue comes, I'll move nowhere,

Instead I'll sit and I'll cry,
                 Eyes stinging back tears,
                                    Pathethic and miserable, alone with my fears,

And this is just all,
                  I've ever learned how to be,
                                     Somewhere in between, trapped inside of me.

This is the burden of trying to live somewhere in between.

I am just a lose, a hubub, a fraud,
My misery I pretend will magically dissolve,
I am just to blame, for not speaking up,
I'm destined to this enternity, unless I learn to step up,
This gender binary, I hate the notion of this you see,
Instead of one choice, I want both to reconcile within me.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Latest pics

Hi blog,

Yes it has been a busy past week with family here so I haven't had much of a chance to capture my thoughts down here in electronic form.  Not to say I haven't been busy, I have been writing and thinking and contemplating alot about myself and trying to decide where I am going.  As my counselor says perhaps I am trying to rush into things too quickly but the sitting around and sorting things out has not been my cup of tea.

As I have been so upset at myself for my latest purge, I am already finding it hard not to pick up an item or two and I am on my way to rebuilding again.  I miss my auburn hair but I am getting used to my new mid-length look and actually liking the new look.

This week's session was a tough one and basically devolved into me trying to not be so ashamed of myself and to start from there.  That is a very tough lesson for me and I am so in awe of all my fellow transgender sisters and brothers out there that seem to have it so much more together. I'm trying each day to get a bit further along there, but I feel so painfully slow along this path.  Someday perhaps my little steps will amount to a large distance, but still I need to let go of the railing to actually move forward I believe.

Anywho, I decided to take some Jaclyn time even though it was a fleeting few moments in between a busy time.  I've tried to capture some pics to help me feel better of myself, I know that I need so much work and I really rushed the makeup and could use some tweezing for the brows, and so forth, but nonetheless here I am today.  I hope someday I will look back a wonderfully beautiful woman and even more than that is that I will feel and know that beautiful feeling on the inside.

Ciao for now.  Hugs,

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Small steps forward

Hello blog,

Happy news yeserday - the state of Illinois finally got it together and passed the marriage equality law.  It is a small victory and I know many others did more than I with my few calls and emails to to those in congress, but it is time coming for sexual orientation and gender discrimination to end.  But enough of the political soapbox since I usually don't really get all of it anyways.

I had a productive session with my therapist yesterday and lots of talking about acceptance.  It is so had to retrain myself to accept who I am, and I still have lots of questions around that, but I think I am making more progress with her than I did with my last one.  As I am try to think positively, that is a good thing.

But where I seem to be hung up is figuring out who I really am.  Quite silly I must say after all these years on this earth that I still am not quite sure of that.  I am going to try and commit to this self-discovery exercise as it is so hard and I feel so alone here.  Ok, I'm taking my drama queen personna again but I think the next wave of the storm is gathering on the horizon.  I hope that I will have the strength and the foresight to pull myself through it and not come crashing down.  I feel like I have started down this path and can't go back anymore, just try and go forward.

I've written some poetry but of course I forgot my journal at the counselor's office so I will have to hold off on publishing it. Instead I found a good quote that I will include below.  I think that summarizes how I have been feeling for longer than needed for me to turn completely nuts.  Oh well, que sera, sera.

“But you can only lie about who you are for so long without going crazy.”
― Ellen WittlingerParrotfish

Monday, November 4, 2013

which road?

Hello blog,

This morning (and late last night) I felt pretty low about myself.  I've been busy doing an assignment on identifying things that I don't like about myself and lets say that list has gotten pretty long. I don't know if others similar to me feel this way as much as I do, but lets say I am so tired about feeling crappy about myself.

Driving to work today was even harder and I so wanted to just keep heading south on the expressway until I reach somewhere far, far away.  I didn't of course and I never seem to ever do anything besides sit by myself crying about my inabilities.

I don't want this to be a pity me posting but rather someday something I will look back upon as how far I've made it.  I have the utmost respect for any transgender person who has the courage to follow their dreams and live the way they feel best even if they don't ever transition.  It seems like that is a point of contention among the online community at least on what qualifies you to claim participation in this group, but to someone like me that can't seem to gather enough courage to take the first steps I am in awe of the strength of all those who have.

This weekend I had some free time with just my wife and the discussion of me being happy without dressing or acting feminine came up as it is often on her mind. I don't want to lie to her but I don't know the answer really to that question.  Somedays I wish I could just leave Jaclyn behind but then the next the comfort and feelings of inner peace of her is all I can think about.  Of course I gave her an alluding answer and I know she didn't buy it so I had to reassure that the Jaclyn part of my life was over.  But it is not and deep inside I know that.

So I am soon going to be back out on that road.  I wish to god I could find someone, anyone to help me sort out where I'm headed but that is something I will have to do alone I guess.  At least tomorrow won't be monday.


Friday, November 1, 2013

Point blank

Greeting blog,
I was just listening to some old favorite tunes of mine while dealing with medical receipts.  If one's not clinically crazy enough going through all these forms can definitely put one there lol.

Anyways, I woke up rather low this morning and was thinking about how I had to file all these forms and wondering if therapy is doing me any good. Many days I think the answer is no to that although I am going to continue on in blind faith I guess. No matter I tell myself I struggle with seing any self-worth here and frankly I don't see any way around that feeling.  I have seriously thought about running away or ending it all several times a day for the past few weeks and start to believe that may the answer for me. I don't know as I'm crying here thinking about it all once again.  I so wish I could have a moment of clarity and strength to do something, but really that is never going to happen.

As I said, I am a big Bruce Springsteen fan and have been listening to his River album lately.  I wrote a poem the other day with the background music to Point Blank running in my head.  I guess that song kind of sums up how I felt me thinking of how my coming out went.  If you know that song, the poem may go along with the music in the background in the beginning and end of that song.


Point Blank
Gray clouds roll overhead, holding back the rain,
Blustery winds all around, driving without an aim,
I'm walking without direction, shroud myself in the pain,
I don't know how to cry once again.

Things once were so simple, such an easy plan,
What to do, whom to be, and how to act like a man,
Now everything's upside down, spinning end over end,
I'm in the middle of this twisting dervish looking for a helping hand.

Now I'm stuck at point blank,
Nowhere left that I can go,  oh,
Point blank, the place I always come back,
I tried once and failure is my only road.

I wonder where I'm going, I don't remember where I've been,
Each path it seems to me always leads to a dead end,
I hold myself and cry, and then do it once again,
I just want to know whyt I can't get anything right?

Searching for direction, although I know what road to take,
The inevitable conclusion that my life is one big mistake,
I'm too tired of trying, but thus move I continue to make,
How did I ever end up this way?

Now I'm stuck at point blank,
Nowhere left that I can go,  oh,
Point blank, the place I always come back,
I tried once and failure is my only road.

To throw it all away or finally to be true,
I reflect in my soul but know not what to do,
Suppress my dreams and thoughts, scared to let them loose,
Is my destiny just an inescapable noose?

I duck my head back down, hide away from the sight,
Lock my feelings deep inside, hold them away from the light,
Biding my time to come out, in the darkest night,
What will I do if I am forced to choose?

For now I'll do nothing, cry where noonce can hear,
For now I stare helplessly, my legs paralyzed by fear,
For now I bid my time and wish for an answer to appear,
What will I do when the moment is right?

When that day finally arrives that I finally speak,
When the day dawns on my desperate secret I'll leak,
When that day arrives I declare to finally be free,
Will I finally act and finally find me?

Until then I'm stuck at point blank,
Nowhere left that I can go,  oh,
Point blank, the place I always come back,
Point blank, afraid to leave the pain I know.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

New do

Hello blog,

When today I got the chance to have some me time and it felt, well great.  I have regretted my latest purge as I am missing Jaclyn and the feelings of connecting to my inner feminine self.  I know that it sounds canned that dressing can make one feel more softer and in touch with their soul but for me that is exactly the case.

Anyways, I broke down the other day and bought a new wig.  More a natural brown than auburn (I do wish it had some auburn highlights) but I am going with a medium length look for now.  I kept all my makeup so from the head up I got a few minutes to feel like myself for awhile.

I can't talk about this with my wife and I feel a bit of guilt after the fact by omission here.  I constantly feel torn between being me and feeling good and not being an embarassment to her or disappointing her in anyway.  I know my therapist tells me to not and try and control how she feels but I know she would kick me to the curb in no time if she came home and saw me en femme.

Funny thing is that today is Halloween and I would so so so love to be able and dress and walk around.  Not in anything outlandish mind you but I find that its is acceptable on a day like today for 'normal' people to appear different than expectations but it is still nowhere close to acceptable for someone to present differently on most days than what is expected.  I hate this societal definitions based on what's swinging (or not) between one's legs, and if I could I would find some way to alter that as well.

Oh well, at least I had a few moments for me and that has helped me through today.  Happy Halloween.
Hugs, Jaclyn

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

So it goes...

Hello blog,

This morning started off so-so, I had a pleasant dream about walking around freely interrupted with the alarm clock going off all too early. I thought how nice it would feel pulling on a long autumnal skirt and then got out my plain work pants.  I love how my nails are growing longer and then disappointed that they don't have any polish.  And so things go I guess.

I took a long walk yesterday afternoon and thought of so many things. I really want to start restocking and may look at getting a new hair style later today.  I have been writing more and had some poetic thoughts bouncing through this mixed thing I call a brain.   I remember that rapeller analogy that I used before and think of myself careening wildly off of rocks trying to figure our which path to take.

Some questions it seems don't have the right answers and I feel destined to try our all the wrong ones.  And so it goes.  Hugs,

Monday, October 28, 2013


Hello blog,

I have spent a long time recently thinking about many things.  Mostly it all comes back to how uncomfortable I feel as a man and trying to accept that I am who I am.

Tomorrow I have another appointment with my therapist whom I think is going to recommend me to see a psychiatrist. I told her I was scared to see one but not for the real reasons why.

Really, I want to see one and confess that I do not want to continue like this.  I feel like I am a complete mistake in body and really the only time I feel right is when I present as Jaclyn.  I want to start HRT and see where that leads although I fantasize about completing the process.  I know that this is not an easy choice and not without severe consequences, the least of which means leaving all family and things behind.

Right now that is the only thing I want though.  I can't deny this any longer and need to start confessing the truth. Can I do that? Will I do that?  I need some strength and someone to tell me it is alright or at least I can make it.

I need a hug.

Friday, October 25, 2013


Hello blog,

I am coming more and more to realize that my mind and heart are definitely not in alignment these days.

I've been lying awake and thinking about the what I want to be lately and I feel more tore in 2 different directions than ever before.  Part of me wants to slap the other hald around and tell him enough of this foolishness, get it all together and forget all about Jaclyn..  The other half tells me the same thing but to my male self. I hate this inner turmoil that even makes me question my own sense of self-being.

I don't know why but I feel stronger and stronger tull towards the forbidden Jaclyn. Is that a case that I want what I know I can't have? Or is this just my real true self that I can no longer suppress.  I feel so totally f##ed up these days and flip from one emotion to another on a dime.

So here's what's on my mind right now. Hair.  I keep thinking about how good it felt having my wig on even though I know this isn't my own and only imagining how wonderful having locks of hair to style would feel.  I hate my lack of it naturally on my head (and the amount everywhere else) and dream about it so much. I keep thinking of getting another wig but I am afraid that will not be enough. What to do.


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Self worth

Hello blog,

I'm here to turn the calendar another day and at least I guess that is something.  Somedays this achievement is a bit harder and lately its been more of a struggle.

Yesterday I had another session with Paula and shared with her my coming out letter.  I was going to read it but it was too painful for me so luckily she didn't press me to do that. We spent most of the hour discussing self worth and my complete lack of it. I know I hear her trying to convince me that I have some, but I still have trouble believing it.  Which was funny that I spent the minutes waiting outside right before our session working on a poem describing how I felt worthless.  I don't know if I really can or want to get better, but last night lying awake I couldn't think about anything other than my deficiencies once again.  She also mentioned for me to try a psychitriest for some stronger meds and I am scared and dread thinking about that.  I am feeling low and helpless right now and hate this feeling of inabiliity to do anyhing about it.

I could use a hug,

Self Worth
I find myself on the roof but don't want to jump,
I find myself hiding down but don't want to stand up,
I find myself alone againg but want someone to talk to,
Everything is so messed up.

I try so hard but always fail in the end,
I don't know why I care to try and understand,
I cry helplessly but I'm afraid to ever change,
I am such a pathetic worthless soul.

I wish I could love like everyone else,
I wish I could be happy and that be enough,
I wish and I dream and in the end do nothing,
No wonder that I'm a total waste of space.

Should I finally take that leap and let it all go,
Should I close my eyes and accept it fading away so,
Should I find mercy and peace at the inevitable end,
Even at this I fail at again and again.

Thursday, October 17, 2013


Hi there blog,

I am really struggling right now and hoping that writing will help me here.  The past few days I have been spending most free moments in my head thinking about how much I want to be female and wishing I was on hormone treatment.  I just hate this male shell of mine and the hair and flatness about it. If anything, I just think having more estrogen in my body would help calm me down and improve how I feel. I want to get my eyebrows cleaned up as well and may make an appointment for that soon as well. I know that makes no sense, but I just find myself staring at the mirror with a tweazzers and then crying about it.

I hate this life and I hate being so f@$$d up.

Monday, October 14, 2013


Hello blog,

Today is columbus day or at least the holiday as it celebrated here.  I've never quite gotten how we celebrate a holiday to commenorate that the Indians were told their homeland is now discovered but then again I guess that is the perspective of those writing text books.

Last week I had my first session with a new therapist.  I hope that this will be productive and will give her an earnest shot. I am still not quite sure of this entire therapy thing.  I alsmost left her office after waiting almost a half hour in the waiting room - I hope that is not par for her running late each time. I spent the time working on a new poem below and started to write some more.

Other miscellaneous thoughts in the old cranium here. I dared to venture on a scale last week for the first time in a few and saw that my weight was still a touch below 150 even though I cheated by stripping down to just my underwear to weigh in. I'm going to start working to try and get to 140 at least so I'll see how that goes.  When I mentioned that and some of my history to the therapist, I instantly earned the depresssion dignostic code. Oh well, that is really depressing.  And onto to more depressing news, follow this link http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cathy-kaufman/my-life-with-david-danielle-kaufman_b_4072395.html to read about a transgender woman who decided it was too much to keep going on.  I can sympathisize with her knowing that feeling of being up somewhere wondering what you were doing or if you should jump.  I guess for better or worse I am not been known for my follow-through here.

Well, that about wraps my current thoughts for the moment.  I'll try to struggle on through for another day here and hope that things will seem a bit brighter.  Till then, take care.

Clouds that drift overhead,
Silently shifing, bringing life, bringing dread,
Randomly dispersing their contents onto the ground,
Their lonely cold tears they shed.

Over busy citizens far below,
Bustling, rushing, moving to and fro;
Where are they going?
What does it all mean?
Why should we even care?

These formless shapes without any weight or soul,
Without eyes, ears or senses to hear our despair,
Do we take for granted the clouds above?
Or do they reflect our deep feelings inside?

These unjudging vessels that life depends,
These silent witnesses to our pretense,
These poweful clouds do we even notice them?
Do you feel their rain and know,
Their silent tears are raining down again,

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Hello Blog,

It has been a long summer since I last wrote and now the weather is turning cooler as Fall is in full swing.  The inner turmoil for me continues to swirl and I feel desperate, alone and end up crying to myself trying to figure out what the hell my life is all about still.

I tried to give my "male" therapist a shot but frankly I felt no connection to him and it seemed like all our talks contiued to revolve around suicide so I stopped seeing him. Tomorrow I am going to try a new female therapist and I am scared once again about seeing here.

Physically, I went through a cycle where I lost weight but lately seem to be gaining it back and still hate my body so much.  My hair sucks, my face sucks, my skin, my fat, etc. etc. - it all sucks.  Deep inside I still wish so much I was born female or could magically change but I know that won't happen and can't admit it ever again.

I've spent the time trying to rebuild the relationship with my wife and family in order to keep things together.  I did manage a fun outing with my girlfriend into the city and we even did some Michigan avenue shopping and that was so much fun. I know most people could tell that I was in drag but it was a hoot being out there and not caring.  But that was the last outing for Jacyln.

The biggest arguement came near the end of summer with my wife when trying to convinve her weeks of therapy was working she came out and confronted the fact that I still had all of Jaclyn's clothes.  So I did the big purge once again, and I have been so depressed since that time knowing how many small victories it took to amass it all and then in one fell swoop to lose it.

I have really been having urges to go back to buying clothes once again, and have been having dreams where my penis disappears. I hate myself and know I need to stop this but it is so damn hard. I stopped writing and thinking that maybe I need to restart again to help ease the tension, but who knows what the hell I am doing.  Lately I have been going to tall places and staring down and wondering if I should just give it all up or what I should do.  I really wanted to reach out to Barb to talk to her but I know how much my wife hates her so I haven't.  I wish I knew just what to do...


Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Good-bye forever...

Today marks the one month anniversary of my coming out and sadly to say this doesn't feel like a happy occasion.

I keep feeling darker and darker thoughts about myself and have started crying again at a level  near to my last breakdown before I started therapy with Barbra.  I am feeling anger and resentment toward my wife and she is starting to reciprocate these feelings back.  I worry that my daughter is starting to absorb some of the tension and anger in the household and I keep getting accused of shutting down and not telling my wife the truth.

But she can't handle the truth.  I feel like shouting this back to her but any action like this would be the last straw I suppose.  Of course I'm happy with myself and things are good - isn't that what she wants to hear?  Really I can't be further from this and more and more realize what a big mistake I am.  I wish so badly I wasn't born with this stupid penis, that I wasn't expected to be a man and that I could actually just be happy and start over as Jaclyn.  I hate this existence so much and am reminded by my wife how pre-pubescent and wrong I am trying to make myself appear.  She looks away with such disdain when she says things like I can't imagine you stuffing a bra or going outside like that and how wrong it all is.  Of course this is just because my parents messed me up, and has nothing to do with my true feelings.  I am trying so hard to contain all this in yet I feel I am getting close to explode again.  I don't know what to do but I see the train wreck ahead and can't find the brake.

Last night I didn't sleep much but stayed awake thinking about these things.  I foresee a big fight and resulting in me being kicked out of the house.  My wife hates me and my daughter will be angry at me going away.  There is noone left and frankly that is good in some aspects. I am so tired of pretending in this life and for being such a terrible failure.  I am going to kill myself this time and can't see any reason not to.  I am going to write some letters to my family to say goodbye and shoot some video to tell my daughter how much I love her when they go out of town in a few weeks.  I have the pills and the bottle picked out and it will be just a peaceful sleep and then no more pain.

This will probably be my last blog entry as I don't feel any better writing anymore.  I wish anyone that comes across this in the future that they have a better life than the torture that is mine.

Goodbye forever,

Thursday, July 4, 2013

independence day?

Hello blog,

Today is not being a good day, I'm am having very strong urges just to run away and go all Jaclyn and finding it seemingly very difficult staying in male form.  This is not my idea of independence day whatsoever but to keep it together I must.  Last week I ran off for a few brief moments and got to dress up and it was such a relief, even sneaking on a pair of panties feels like I can breathe easier. I am so screwed up.

I think today we will be celebrating my past birthday with my entire wife's family.  I feel like I will have to be on display and draw all my resources to act happy.  I am typing and crying now here alone for a few moments worried that I won't be able to pull this off.

I called Howard Brown twice and have gotten very close to setting up an appointment with them.  I don't get to see my worthless male doc until the 20th so I would like to talk to someone before doing that.  I keep thinking how much better my life would have been if I was born a girl and had a dream last night that I had transitioned and was meeting with my wife.  She was so sad at the sight of me.  I hate having all of these thoughts in my head and hate trying to fake my way through life.  I am having so much more trouble at that these days and feeling more desperate.

I have to run along and hope that playing with my daughter will bring some peace to the storm that feels like is raging inside me.  I hate my life so bad and don't know where to turn.  Why can't I be happy with all the good around me.

Happy 4th,

Monday, July 1, 2013

July 1

Hello blog,

Today is the first day of July and this marks that the horrid month that last June was is finally over. Sad that June has typical been my favorite month of the year that this one has been so terribly long.

As the month of May brought me finally to accept that I am transgender, the month of June brought me to accept some more much unpleasant things.  While I still question whether or not coming out to my wife was the dumbest idea I have ever had, there is really nothing more to do than to pick up the pieces and try and go forward from there.  She is still closed down and not listening and sadly I am losing faith that she will ever be able to understand.  There is too much anger and fear there for me to overcome.

So, based on this I will need to go back into hiding for the rest of my life. I have come to accept as she says I will never ever pass as a woman just like I have trouble passing as a man.  What does that make me?  I guess it depends if you are asking based on appearance or feelings.  I don't trust I will ever be able to open up my feelings again as rejection hurts so badly so the answer will be probably a socially-unfit male.

I know that I am not depressed.  I stopped taking those stupid anti-depressants last week as their side effects listed weight gain and sexual dis-function as possible.  I really don't want to gain any weight (I still have around 10 lbs to lose) and unfortunately I don't seem to see any sexual dis-function so I have nothing to gain from them.  My wife keeps telling me how much better I seem and that they must be helping.  Again, she only sees me as what she wants to see.

Other things I have come to accept:  I need to go back to presenting myself as a content, happy male role.  Dan, the dork therapist, will not be of help to me but I will need to go through the motions and pretend he is.  I may need to purge or pretend purge to help present some miracle cure I suppose. I cannot open up my deep personal thoughts to my wife since she has no ability to handle them.  I will continue to feel like dressing as a woman for those brief moments to help me feel good about myself, but I will need to do this in hiding and deepest of closets/  And lastly, if I feel like I cannot continue this charade any longer and I cannot deny my inside feelings, then I need to end things once and for all.  And not in an obvious fashion since that would leave grief and despair to people around me, but I will chose to do in an 'accidential' fashion so that will avoid anyone having guilt about my suicide.  I really don't care since I won't be around anyways, and I have several methods already in mind for that.

As I start July, this coming week has me spending the week in Michigan with my wife's entire family and is not the way I really want to start it.  But there is no other choice to appear to be making 'healthy' progress and I am especially despising having to celebrate my birthday with all of them.  I am going to need all of resources to pretend and feign artificial happiness this week as right now her parents are on the top of my hated list.  But when I do feel my act slipping, I am planning to spend time totally involved with my daughter, the truly most wonderful and happiest part of my life and the only reason that I even stay around.  Will I make it to see her graduate college, get married or even make it out of the third grade?  I hope so but would not place bets on any of these.

Take care,

Friday, June 28, 2013

bad day

This morning I feel like I am at a new low point and cannot stop myself from falling back into depressing thoughts.  I'm going to try and avoid all people today as I feel so angry that I think I will snap at the shortest thing and that will not help any situation.  I drove over an overpass on the way to work today and couldn't help the bad thoughts that crept into my head when I looked over the side.

I hate my "male" therapist and miss being able to go visit Barb and have her talk with Jaclyn.  I have stubble growing back on my calves and hands and want to take a knife to them.  I want my life not to be so fucked up but there is no escape the horror that being a mistake is each day.  I don't know why I ever believed I could be happy and accept myself, I am a freak and a societal outcast and the truth is that I must hide this away forever.

I have to spent next week with my wife's family to celebrate the 4th and have to face all of them at once.  I am so worried about this and have this sinking feeling of some gigantic uncomfrotableness and   causing more conflict.  Things do not get better, nothing does ever in life.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013


Do I dare ever to speak?
Do I dare ever to dream?
Why is that what I long to be?
So wrong and mixed up to everybody?
I am so tired of hiding me,

I am scared and run away,
I pretend to be someone else each day,
I have lost who I truly am,
Tears they burn since they do no good,
I am so confused and alone.

In my dreams I am so brave,
In my dreams my beauty I crave,
That I will have the strength to do something,
That I will find happiness in the end,
But these dreams I keep inside.

So my crossroad is up ahead,
Time for me to accept and understand,
The woman in me that needs to be free,
Hopefully wishing that it will be,
My time has come at last.

storm clouds

This morning I woke up very edgy and tired again, Id like to say it was because of the storms but I was up pondering things before several rounds of them came through overnight.

This afternoon my wife and I have an appointment with the male therapist together.  I didn't really care for him the last time but going to try and give him the benefit of doubt.  I'm guessing my wife will  probably like him and I'll be stuck with him.  Whatever, I can fake my way through anything as that is one thing I am good at.

I am slowing working back up the male facade again to satisfy my wife although it hurts not being able to dress freely.  My wife has put the clamps down on letting me alone so I have had next to zero chance to get anything out which feels like drowning sometimes.  Yesterday afternoon I was bugging so much that I stopped at the thrift store nearby and picked up a bracelet and two necklaces for cheap.  Just putting them on felt like relief and I could feel the calmness wash over me as I checked them out in the car mirror.  I drove around for a bit with them on to help ease some of the pressure. Of course I lied and didn't tell my wife about this as one slip up more probably will mean the end. I am not sure if I am subconciouslly trying to sabotage things anyway and decided to call Howard Brown yesterday to ask about hormones.  Their process seems very straightforward and not too difficult, I was tempted to schedule an appointment with them and really considering it. Why can't I get these thoughts out of my head?  I feel like I am so obsessed with these ideas that my functioning and logic are so impaired. I know that I will never pass as a woman but let the idea of just throwing everything away and going for it seems too powerful for me to ignore.

I feel so much that I am teetering on an edge and really need some help that I can't get enough courage to ask for.  I may break down and call Barb but I am ashamed at what she thinks about me and feel like she will be so annoyed.  I don't know what I'm going to do anymore, I wish I knew...

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

stressed out....

Hi blog,
Today I'm feeling a bit stressed out right now and biting my fingernails while thoughts are bouncing around my confused head again.

As my concentration and sleeping seemed to get better after talking with Barb, now around 2 weeks after I am having these problems again. I had to stop and cry for awhile on the way into work again, I guess those anti-depressants aren't all they are cracked up to be.

I'm trying really really hard to avoid all the urges to dress and shave my body and add nail polish and makeup, but it is so hard.  I really keep thinking about HRT and it seems so desirable to me. Of course just mentioning this will get me living alone, and I am trying to push all these thoughts back into the closet and pretend again which makes me even more depressed.

Yes, I have been contemplating calling Barb or looking for hormones online or running away or other bad thoughts as well.  I'm feeling so scared and confused and have nowhere to talk to.  I feel like I am getting so close to losing it all once again, yet I can't make myself act.

Tomorrow afternoon my wife and I are meeting with my 'male' therapist together.  I really don't like him but I am doing this for her sake.  I'm very afraid what I might say at that appointment. I'm very afraid what I won't say at the appointment.  I'm just very afraid.

Please I just need someone to hug me and tell me it is going to be okay.

Monday, June 24, 2013

plea for help...

I'm really feeling that I am slipping into that dark place once again no matter what i do here. I don't really know where to turn or what to do and it doesn't matter anyways. Even my poems are no longer cheering me up. ~Jaclyn How do you ask for help when nobody listens?

How do you continue on when nobody cares?

Why do you even try when all you do is failure?

What do you do when its just you alone there?

I’m tired of listening to all the experts

Taking their pills to numb the pain

I feel worse regardless of their prescribed happiness

And I don’t care anymore once again

They say that suicide is painless,

A cowardly act to hurt those you leave behind

But my life is just one big mistake

I want to end pretending a happy I cannot find

So again I find myself down this dark path

This time will I have the strength to reach the end?

To unload the burden of my existence from this world

Miserable, worthless, alone without a friend

crying again

Hello blog, Starting out another Monday morning and feeling lower than low. This weekend was my birthday and I had to spend the whole time trying to avoid my in-laws and act happy. The intolerance of my wife and denial and not trying to understand me leaves me even more depressed. I need to keep up my image to stay connected to my daughter and right now that is the only thing that keeps me sane. Along with all the other hurtful things my wife has told me these past two weeks, I have been called a caricature of a woman, told that I would never pass since I am the wrong shape and too muscular for a woman, and look like a pedophile with shaven hands and without enough muscles to be a man. I don't know how long I can take this abuse and pretense to keep our family together, and really would have left it was wanted from my precious daughter. I need help and strength and support and have started crying again. I guess the male doctor and anti-depressants are not the answer.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013


I'm jonesing really bad. I have now gone like almost a week without dressing fully and I feel that need so bad inside. I have promised to not do anything but I have still snuck around and tried on a few things and drove to work with my wig and bra under my one somewhat androgynis shirt one day. Yesterday over lunch I returned to the local thrift store and picked out several pairs of women's jeans and then went into the dressing room and tried them on. That was such a relief to me and I ended up leaving with a new pair of jeans and long-sleeved blouse. I know that this goes against everything I promised to my wife but then I decided it was a birthday present. I'd love to find a nice necklace and bracelet to accent my wear but I'm trying to hold off. This morning I'm going to the doctor to lie to him about being depressed to get anti-depressants so that will satisfy my wife. I don't feel depressed at all but my feelings don't really matter. Honestly what I really want to do is to get out all my clothes and go all Jaclyn, I was looking at ads for mascara and this made me want to work on my eyes and lashes. I'm trying not to think about being female, but I still see her in the mirror and even thought of considering to try and get estrogen over the net. This evening I have my appt with my new 'man' therapist and really I am dreading meeting with him as well. A really big part of me wants to just go into his office today and tell him that I don't want to be a man and want him to start me transitioning to what is right. But then, I don't think he is very familiar with transgender clients and I am going to get some other bs response from him. I'm trying not to dislike someone I haven't met, but it is hard for me based on what he represents. The more I go without, the more desperate I feel I am becoming. It is even worse it now feels like I am trapped back in the closet again, but this time have my wife and her family waiting guard outside the door ready to pounce on me if I try to escape. I hate that I have a penis so badly that last night I went downstairs and punched myself in the groin repeatedly until I doubled over on the floor. That didn't help either, I hate this existence and I am dreading so much this coming weekend with her parents. How could I have been so wrong about her being open and accepting of me? Why can't I be happy with anything in life? How long can I manage like this? I lived like this for so long before I really knew myself and now have so much trouble forgetting myself. I've decided the west coast is the place to go if I decide I need to run away - LA or San Francisco I think I can find more accepting people there. I just don't know what I'll do and I feel so lost unlike ever before. And I'll probably do nothing, and hate myself for it. My life is such a sham. I'm crying now realizing that and really wishing I would have been more successful in ending it so many years ago. That option I am going to keep on the table since that would finally end the pain I feel. I don't want to do that or even consider it, but after I woke up from dreaming I was a free woman walking down the street last night I kept thinking about it sine I know that will only ever be a dream. I am going to keep praying for a miracle that will never come.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Going crazier...

Hello blog, I have so many thoughts clouding my mind these days and things don't seem to be getting any clearer. I want and I love my family, and I want and I love Jaclyn and these two things have seemed to come a divergent path. I really don't know who I am, in appearance I am just a muddling, weak male that feels so powerless to do anything for myself. I keep replaying my last session with Barb and my wife and it seems all too familiar to me. Flash back to the beginning of my senior year of high school, when I had the requisite guidance counselor appointment with my parents that was supposed to determine my career path. During those times where I tried to disengage from society which I didn't fit in I spent a long time that summer before reading and writing short stories and poems. I filled up most of a spiral notebook with all my writings that summer and while they were not probably too good of stories, I remember the happiness I would get when I completed a story or poem. So I brought this notebook with me to the guidance counselor meeting, not really sure why, and I remember thinking that I was going to tell them I wanted to be a creative writer. Of course that didn't happen. What happened instead was I sat there quietly, while the counselor and my parents concluded together that going to college and finding a career in math was the correct thing to do. Of course the SAT said that here was a boy that got an almost perfect score in the math section and was below average in English so it made no sense to not pursue anything in math. I still remember the counselor chuckling and looking at me and telling me I had no hope in anything but math. I of course followed orders and tossed out my notebook. I hated that man so much and my parents for thinking that he was right, I hated having some stupid test tell me what to do as I hated society for telling me what to be, most of all I hated myself for being weak and powerless to actually do something besides follow orders and hate them. I still feel this hate and I am still not able to stand up for myself. I'm hurting so much inside and hate myself even more for sitting there last Thursday without speaking. I want to be loved and I want my family and I hate myself all at the same time and don't ever see me able to change. Maybe I do need those anti-depressants my wife wants me to go and beg the doctor for tomorrow. Maybe I need the new "Man" therapist that she wants me to see to determine my "Man" issues. I feel like all of this is another repetition of my dad telling me to be a man and that real men don't cry, just that I am hurting my innocent beautiful daughter because of being so wrong. I don't know how much longer I can continue this and I don't know where I can go to hide anymore. I had a dream last night that my parents were dying and I came to see them and my daughter laid down in between them as they took some of their last labored breaths. I didn't see my appearance but in my dream I knew I was a woman. I wonder if that dream is my guilt and shame of trying to be me, and I hurt thinking of this. I would extinguish this pain since this existence seems worse than before, but that would hurt others. My birthday is coming up and I can't stop thinking about how much a mistake I am. I need to now and cry in private somewhere. I have never felt this much alone before.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Desperate here....

Monday, June 17, 2013 I’m really struggling this morning. I tell my wife that I will give everything up to be with her and my daughter and I mean that so much. I had a wonderful time and let myself be filled with so much happiness this past weekend with them. I love my family more than anything, but I can’t stop waiting to be a woman. And I can’t tell anyone my true thoughts at this time as mentioning that I am thinking of this will cause my wife to lose it. I was at the pool having fun with my family and sharing father’s day and feeling bad with myself and selfish for wanting something that is impossible. The pressure is getting too intense inside me and I don’t see me being able to contain it indefinitely. This almost feels about as bad as before I came to see Barb the first time. I just want to stop trying and run away since I don’t know how to stand up for myself and I know I’m losing everything in the world. And I have no hope of finding another Barb that will be there to help me understand all of this. I just want to call Barb and cry on the phone to her and beg to come back but I think she has lost total faith in me since our last call where I told her my wife didn’t want me seeing her anymore. So I am so screwed and so trapped. I hate being born with a penis and feel like my life has been one big mistake after another. Is there any way to have an accident to rip that sucker off and not look intentional? I don’t think so but that id the type of irrational thinking I’m having. I tuck it away and beat my myself until I almost feel like passing out, yet that only helps temporarily. After coming out last weekend, my wife is paranoid of me and barely lets me have time alone. Sneaking is much harder as she is paying some attention to me, but I still do manage to find some ways these past few days to tuck away my testes and penis and to paint my toe nails with clear nail polish. That helps but that doesn’t seem enough. I want to shave every freaking hair off my body and start electrolysis on my face so badly. My skin bothers and itches me that I am raking my arms with my fingernails as if that would peel it away. The still smooth parts of my arms and legs make me happy even though my wife tries to examine me whenever I can to see if I am shaving again. And then the questions – are you happy? Are you doing better than last week? Do you feel like you need to wear panties? What the f@# am supposed to say? That I am miserable and think coming out to you was the worst thing I could have ever done. That I don’t care about panties and only want to wear those if I can get fully dressed and wear makeup and go out like that. Why does she not listen and why is she so closed minded? I thought for sure there would be more understanding but I am the big fool once again. I am feeling so resentful and angry with her, but since Barb said I need to support her, I am afraid to really tell her the truth. Instead, I am trying not to answer but I am thinking she will eventually see that as a form of lying as well. I don’t want to do that either, but I cannot stop anymore. Besides if I was totally honest she wouldn’t listen nor understand either. Her and social working family really irritates me since they seem to think just anti-depressants and blame my family nurturing will solve everything. I love her guilt line of me wanting to trade my daughter and her to live as a girl in Boystown. That makes me want to scream out loud. I want them to be with me and I do not want to be a girl but rather the woman I should have been. I am trying so freaking hard to support her so I agreed to go up next weekend for a visit with her family thinking this would help her being with them. Of course it is my birthday weekend where I will have to pretend to be so joyful yet I am going to be so miserable and angry inside. And on top of all of this, my wife is now looking for validation of her own sexuality and feeling insecure of this since I came out. Friday night she wanted us in bed to “re-explore” our bodies together and not pressure me into sex. So, that meant us lying naked next to each other and touching each other. I intentionally laid in a position so that I could touch her all over without her being able to reach my genitals, and I managed to bring her to orgasm hoping that would be enough. She then wanted to touch me and I let her get me off thinking that otherwise that would open another long set of questions, anger, insecurities, etc. I felt really dirty when I climaxed but added some extra moaning and breaths to make it seem opposite of what it felt. She still seemed disappointed that we didn’t have sex afterwards and then seemed freaked out in the morning when I told her I changed the sheets since I thought they were dirty from the evening before. So that went right back to her insecurities and then Saturday night she wanted me to have sex and was weird when I said I was tired. Trying to avoid the act and the you do not want me I went performed oral sex on her hoping that would be enough. Of course it wasn’t so we did end up having sex. Don’t get me wrong, things work fine (although my half-erect member just prior I was worried would be a giveaway) but I just don’t really want sex right now. I love the intimacy point afterwards when I lay next to her still, and I just went into auto-pilot through the act and then tried to capture as much intimacy afterwards to hold me over. I wish that would be the answer but it made me feel worse in the morning which I couldn’t talk about. I’m trying to stop myself here but I think I have accepted what I want and it is hard to convince myself otherwise. I hate that I have taken so long to wake up and now impact so many and really have nowhere to go. I have moved all my femme items to the trunk of my car, and this morning I wanted so badly to dress as Jaclyn so on the way to work I snuck into a remote lot and put on a bra and my wig and drove to work that way. I just kept staring at my face in the mirror, even without makeup I can see more and more the woman inside of me and that felt too good. I want to get rid of the stupid beard, start hormones and be able to be Jaclyn 24/7, but I now have no one I can tell this too. I keep dreaming of being a woman, last night I saw myself in a nice form fitting yellow dress just walking by a pond and being free. I guess I am so depressed since I will only ever be free here in my mind, and this is a place I cannot share with anyone else. I hate my life and now I have to pretend to be happy again. I am so desperate…

Old posts

Okay, Here are my old posts since I am not sure how to restore them separately. I will keep them as a reminder for me of a happier more hopeful time. I'm afraid my writings are going to be rather bitter for awhile here. ~Jaclyn

Friday, June 14, 2013 Resentment and anger I know I should probably not write while I am upset but today I am feeling a lot of resentment. In the way this past week has gone down I am angry and want to scream out loud. I guess the biggest form of anger was how unreceptive and not listening my wife was on Sunday evening where I tried to come out to her. Instead of trying to accept, understand I felt minimalized as the only things she heard were cross-dressing, going out in stealth, teen-age dressing. It was so not what I was trying to tell her, and instead of understanding that for once in my god-forsaken life things started to make sense with my feelings, she took this for depression and divorce. Then Barbra told me to support her. So because just thinking of a transgender person make her sick to her stomach (but I’m very open to the population, she says), I tried to back-pedal to avoid a break-down from her. What did it get me? An appointment to ask for anti-depressants and told to look for another therapist since I was looking in the wrong place. Advice from her parents and sister and who knows whoever else they have now decided to bring in to tell me what’s best and that I am looking for answers in wrong places? I guess close to 40 years of wondering and self-examination is nothing compared to a few days of their almighty intellect. Yeah, I just woke up last week and felt down so I put on a dress and walked around. I prefer jeans, capris or skirts more than dresses and not really worked up about the clothes anyways. Oh, but heaven forbid anyone see me in anything feminine. What an embarrassment and of course how sick my wife gets at any idea of that. She tells me she loves me on the inside, but then tells me that I need to either stop wearing female clothes or only on rare occurrences when she gets comfortable with it. Just typing this is getting me madder instead of feeling better but of course I won’t do anything. I won’t fight back or rock the boat, just be supportive in my super passive way as Barbra says. Yes, just go take some medicine and you see you were wrong all the time, it is just depression and your feelings don’t really matter. I am tearing up thinking how worthless I feel now and seriously just considering packing everything up and taking off for somewhere far away. I don’t care anymore. I don’t know why I thought trying to understand and actually feeling good about myself ever mattered. I should never had come out. I should never have lived. My life is such a big mistake and I am so pitiful that I will never do anything to make a difference. I give up. That is all. Perhaps someday when I’m gone someone will find this and finally understand but I doubt it. It will probably be just thrown away and forgotten like me. Update – I just spoke with Barb near the end of the day and hated myself for saying good-bye and once again not having a shred of a backbone. I cried afterwards and on the way home, because I don’t think I will ever find someone that I will be able to dress up like Jaclyn and will speak to me inside like she did. I want to ask her to keep seeing me in stealth, but I know my wife will be tracking my movements closely from now on and our money, so that won’t work. I felt so safe when I was with her, and it was so liberating to talk and not worry about how judgemental the other person may be. I may ask her for the one book that we looked at together that showed a happy transgender family together, I love their smiles and ability to share in so much happiness together. I wish I could know that type of love.

Thursday, June 13, 2013 My family The love of my life is my family, Without them I am an empty shell washed up on the shore, Without them I am a reckless driver without a care anymore, They are all the keeps me happy inside All I ever want is to be with them, When we hold it each other tight the warmth it permeates, Fills me us up with love that together we create, Tears of happiness are the only ones we share My wife, the most beautiful woman in all the land, Her outward radiance no match for her inner splendor, Intelligence, compassion, elegnt kindness and candor, Makes her the most precious jewel for my soul to share And with our daughter our love more than doubled, The world’s open wide awaiting her to command, Her sweet zest for life and empathy to all is hard to understand, And a glimpse of her smile can melt the frozen heart While I think of my family, I worry they’ll go away, For so many anxious hours, I lie awake pondering the day, Planning the next step to take with their love in my sight, To save us together this thread of hope I hold tight.

Thursday, June 13, 2013 Last session with Barbra? Just got back from this morning’s session with Barbra and convinced my wife to come with me this time. Another bad idea by me. I wonder how one person can make a lifetime worth of bad ideas in such a short period of time? Needless to say I am pretty sure this will be the last one with her even though I liked her. This sure has been a hell week for me and my wife. Yesterday after staring in the mirror and seeing Jaclyn’s face again I started shaking uncontrollably and when I was done so was the regrowing chest hair stubble I had. Stupid on my part (or intentional?) I did not clean up enough so this morning she found some lingering hairs in the bathroom and we had a row about me shaving and telling her I wasn’t doing anything. Then of course she noticed the clear coat nail polish and went into a tirade about how everyone at work would notice it. I have had some form of clear polish on my nails off and on for the past two months and almost constantly during the past week or so and applied a new coat 2 days ago and she just noticed it now and says it is so obvious to everyone? Either way I was wrong in doing this so I took it off and will need to toss that bottle away soon. I have to stop the lying, it just is so scary what goes on in my head and I don’t think she is ready to hear too much right now. How do I tell her I had one of those dreams last night where some man gave me a pill and in the morning I woke up with breasts and a vagina? I don’t right now I guess. Back to our session with Barbra. I should have seen that this wouldn’t work out as my wife stated last night that the main objective she wanted from this session was to either get me on anti-depressants or referral to someone who would get me on anti-depressants. I felt that today’s session would be a waste since she had already probably worked up a full psychological profile with her parents beforehand and was only half listening. It’s sort of like my coming out letter that I spent hours writing and rewriting until I felt I had exactly what I wanted to say yet one of the only things she heard in there was that I was a cross-dressing deviant and since I did it back as a teenager my parent’s nurturing probably caused that. Maybe it is due to my upbringing or stress or low self-identity or depression that I do what I do and feel what I feel and they are right. I think Barbra thinks otherwise and the hour seemed like a nature vs. nuture session where they threw out terms like passive female and Freud/Jung theory back in forth in which I didn’t care for. I hate that my wife says to me that Barbra is trying to make me a girl not for the fact if she is but for the fact she refers to me as a girl. That conjures up someone immature, naïve to the world and one thing I know for sure is that I will never be a girl or a woman, the only thing I could ever be is either a man or a transwoman and for my family and daughter’s sake I need to be a man. No use arguing as that will only make things worse, and I need to be supportive to her as she deals with the crisis on her own. As much as she says she is open, I think even the don’t ask don’t tell policy will even erode her inside no matter of what she says, if there is anything I know it’s how to say one thing convincing and feel another. And my wife is not good at that game. So she told me she was not comfortable with Barbra and without insurance to cover the costs somewhat I will need to agree with her to cut ties with her. She continues on this medicinal anti-depressant combined with expressing anger with my parents should produce a miracle cure rant so I will bow into this and say it’s a good idea. Hell, anything compared to how bad an idea coming out to her was seems like the grandest idea in the world. I have started the purging process with Jaclyn and going to try and distance myself from any of these trans thoughts to push everything back into the closet. It will take a long time to gain back her trust and any desire for me is light-years away at this point which is fine since the thought of an erection bothers me right now. I am going to have face the penalty for my folly of coming out by going to depressants and looking for a cure there for all these feelings inside my head. I have no experience, but I sometimes wonder if I need estrogen supplements rather than prozac to help my concentration but in her family’s circle that is assumed the wonder drug for all the ails. I am not looking forward to seeing them and being in Ludington for my birthday, but I do realize that she needs this to ground herself and I want my daughter to have a good time there. Frankly the idea of taking off my shirt right now in public makes my skin itchy, but I can’t go to the beach and blend in by avoiding that one. Well those are my thoughts for today, for whatever they are worth, and I am so tired of having wrong ones. Of course, I will deny that since I will need to appear to be happy and accepting with myself, and I will have to slowly put on that face in order to retire this without appearing to false. It is going to be harder now since they will be looking to trap my hiding, but I am fairly confident if I work on this I will be able to push it away again and rebuild some of what I have destroyed. Or at least I just have to in order to keep in my daughter’s life and not cause any more pain to others. R.I.P. Jaclyn. Hugs, ~John

Wednesday, June 12, 2013 Going personal This morning didn’t start out quite well for me since last night didn’t end well. I am trying to be so supportive of my wife and hold this family together, but there are times when I know both of us have serious doubts. I tried to cuddle with her in bed last night and it felt good to close my eyes and feel our heart beats so close but she couldn’t hide the uncomfortableness my touch brought to her. I am afraid that we will never go back, and I will be just the freak with ‘the condition’ that we will try and pretend is not there. I don’t see any other way as my one chance to break free looks like it is going to end in disaster. I really don’t think she even heard most of the words I said in my letter as she flashed straight from shock into rationalizing how we are going to save our family mode. I really don’t think I am depressed, but I am sad to think how bad of an idea trying to coming out really was. I still need this outlet to journal my thoughts daily, and I am taking it down from online albeit that means this file may disappear when I have another purge instinct driven by guilt. I was working in my mind a poem about our family but I am not sure if I’m in the right place for that either. So I spent the rest of night crying softly into my pillow again and then woke up feeling the need to shave off all my body hair and go out as Jaclyn causing me to shake. I know I promised my wife not to do anything else, but I had to scrape off my leg and chest stubble this morning, then apply a clear coat of polish to my nails because of a need inside. I feel awful now for lying to her and know that I am flushing away any last chance we have. While I know my wife is hoping my actions are just some reaction to stress or depression or childhood trauma, I think I need to continue to agree with her and start pretending again. I think my only choice for my family is to purge Jaclyn completely out of my life. This is going to be hard if not impossible since I can only see her when I look at myself now so I will avoid mirrors and short sleeves as much as I can. We have an appointment tomorrow and since it appears Barbra is not on our insurance coverage, this will be the end to my sessions with her. I will probably have to follow through and do some follow-up depression sessions and take some ‘medicine’ to fix me, and hope that as I do this I will appease my wife’s fears and appear normal to her again. I guess I was hoping that she could accept and be proud of me, instead I feel like she feels responsible and wants to make sure I hide from the world although trying to give me some support group sessions to ease her conscience. I will pretend being well there or at least agreeing with what my wife thinks is best as I cannot lose Chloe or her. I’m seriously doubting the support sessions since they are going to make me want to go back seeing others there, and if I see any couples that will hurt only more. I feel like my crisis has come, I tried to buck my flight instinct and fight even though it was never close on my side the whole time. Now I have to deal with the fact that she sees me as a totally messed up, her family knows my little secret and no one will ever be truly comfortable around me. I know I am painting a sad and bleak outlook, but I need to face responsibilities and not screw up a beautiful little girl and at least give her a chance at normalcy that I don’t feel. Yes it hurts, but this is what being a parent means.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013 Coming clean Sunday June 9, 2013 I am not sure right now if the date represents a beginning or an ending but it will be a date I remember for a long time. This is the date I finally came out revealing my true self to my wife. I didn't plan it this way but I guess I could not hide it from her any longer. As she pleaded for me to tell her if I was having an affair, had cancer, was gay I realized that I had to tell her since she would not be able to concentrate having this unknown thing over us. We sat down on the couch and I read my letter to her, trying to explain what I felt inside and shocking her with each revelation. We talked and cried (mostly me since she was too numb to cry) and eventually needed to talk to the therapist. I guess to everyone else I seem in a deep state of depression since they both wanted me to promise not to hurt myself, but I don't think that is necessary since I don't see that as any possible solution. I guess history always catches up with you in the end. So the past 24+ hours have been terrible to say the least. I think from her values she can accept transsexualism among others since she is very understanding, but I am glad that she is honest that she cannot accept it as part of her life. I love her and I love my daughter and feel like each revelation drives me further away from them and that saddens me. I have one tiny thread of hope left that I can find some way to get back to the boundary line between male and female that she needs or at least hold on for another 10 years and so I will want to figure that out with the therapist when we meet this Thursday. My emotions again are all over the board, I thought that was possible then last night I had one of those reoccurring dreams where my genitialia were replaced by female ones and I think my subconscious is trying to tell me the truth. I think I am either mentally insane or transsexual, and may even be both. Am I also repressing being bisexual or homosexual (meaning liking men) as my wife seems to think as well? I feel the stubble growing back on all the places that I have been shaving, and feel the need to shave it so much even though I promised her I would not do anything until after Thursday. I am also finding it difficult this morning not to want to get dressed and just go out and started crying while laying in bed awake powerless this morning. I have begun to inquire about electrolysis and thinking how calming estrogen supplements may be to someday be on. I look at my face in the mirror and think how facial surgery could make it more womanly and ponder if I would feel better after SRS. I have been writing poetry again and finishing up one for my wife and my family. I pulled up next to a car with a woman in it putting on some makeup to the way to work this morning and I wanted that to be me. I am transsexual I do believe though I have no idea what the formal diagnosis will be. I need to be me although this means losing everything in my life. So I guess that is where I am this morning, in 48 hours I will get to see Barbra and I wonder if that will be the start of end of one chapter or the beginning of a new one or give me some hope to hold on to. Either way there is a huge wave of change about to come crashing down upon me and I am scared. I just hope that the water cleans me and makes me better and doesn't just take me out to sea to drown. I just want to be clean. Posted by Jacqueline at 6:58 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Sunday, June 9, 2013 Sleepless dreams... Countdown begins.... Less than 100 hours to go now. I passed the 100 hour threshold for my coming out around 5 am this morning. I have my speech prepared, pictures, books and have been trying to ask myself the questions that may come up and pretty confident about the answers to all except one of them. I'll get back to that one near the end of this entry. The brain and consciousness seem like amazing things. I keep getting the urge to shave off more and more of my body hair and yesterday I worked further up my hands, wrists and arms than before. Its almost like I am clipping a hedge and trying to even it out, I take of a little bit here, then more on the other side to even it out, then the front looks wrong so I clip some more until in the end there are just a few leaves left on a stick. I know inside these actions are because I want to alter my appearance and stopping myself is going to prove difficult, if not impossible. I now see my body taking more feminine shape each day even without a mirror. Looking at my now smooth wrists and hands they look female to me, I spent close to 5 minutes in the bathroom last night just looking at them. I can imagine a nice shade of polish and a cute bracelet adorning them and like it. I have also started seeing myself as female in my dreams. The other night I dreamnt about walking down the street wearing that beautiful black dress I tried on. But last night's dreams were so vivid. I continue to be only able to sleep in short intervals, and last night I was up at three o'clock. When I finally drifted back asleep off and on, I had three dreams. In the first one, I was in a shoe store as female but instead of my wig my hair was my own and had grown out to bob length. For some reason I had dyed it red and had it in a punk stylist cut. But the best part of the dream was not the look, it was a crowded store with women and we were all talking and interacting together. I was accepted with their club and I woke up feeling warm inside. The next dream started with me in male mode, talking into a microphone to a crowded lunch room that contained a VP from where I work. I was detailing my family history, starting with my grandparents and then briefly talking factually about my childhood - sans my cross dressing exploration etc. When I got to the part about going to college, someone in the crowd asked me why I went to college. I started to answer but could not see myself at first. Instead I heard the answers coming out in a female voice. When I did see someone holding the mic and talking, it was Jaclyn there instead of my male figure from before. The third and most impactfull dream took place in some dorm room. I could not see myself in this one, but I was on the bottom of a bunk bed with an openly gay friend of mine from college on the top. I was reading to him a coming out letter I wrote my parents. Suddenly I heard my wife's voice from across the room and saw she was in the room as well. She asked me only one question and not coincidentially this is the one I am most worried about. Do you know this what you want to do (in terms become a transwoman exclusively). So that is the question I fear the most. Perhaps its because if I give up all forms of maleness and appearances, that seems to be the tipping point for divorce. Perhaps it is because I don't quite trust my mind since once I have now accepted my gender and sex don't match, every other logical fact I've previously assumed true I now question. But really I think it may be because I want to say yes and realize what that means. I guess its like trying to scramble to the top of a greased slide, you flail your arms and struggle but the top of the slide keeps getting smaller as you plunge backward down it. Or perhaps I'm better described like Alice falling down that rabbit hole into a new wonderland and will be changed once I get back. Who knows? The mind is a strange wonder, and mine is definitely not wired the standard way. Hugs ~Jaclyn Posted by Jacqueline at 6:49 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Saturday, June 8, 2013 Three B's and acceptance.. Hello Blog, As each day passes, I try to push myself to do something that I had previously been to afraid of and I am starting to realize how silly I was. In retrospect, it seems like each little step I take makes the next one easier having the experience knowing I can. Yesterday, I needed to get my male hairs cut as my wife reminded me. Actually, I totally hadn't noticed as it seems I forget to note my male appearance as I am so focused on my female one. Feeling embarrassed by how my outside male appearance I decided to make an appointment over lunchtime. Since there was a new salvation army store next to the salon, I decided it was a good time to donate some of my older Jaclyn clothes that I no longer really have any interest in. Once inside the store, I was lost among the racks of actually fairly nice and looking not very worn women's clothes and had to start browsing the racks. I found 2 nice blouses for less than $9 so I figured that was a bargain. If I didn't have my hair appointment, I would have kept browsing and I am thinking of returning there next week. I had to apologize since my distraction made me 5 minutes late for my appointment but luckily my male haircut takes like less than 5 minutes to do even if the stylist takes her time. As she was finishing up the cut, an idea popped into my mind that has been there often before. But this time, I summoned up the courage to ask her to wax and shape my eyebrows in a feminine fashion. At first I wasn't sure if I could ask for that, but she was positive and glad to perform this for me. As I sat back in the station while she shaped my brows, I literally felt happiness inside. I know that sounds ridiculous and others in the salon might have looked at me, but frankly I didn't mind as it felt good to be able to be at a salon and do something to make me feel prettier. Still today I keep smiling each time that I examine my eyebrows in the mirror and will definitely be back to do that again next time. After blouses and brows, the third B of the day was bras. For some silly reason, I have never had a problem shopping in a department store for women's clothes or undergarments for the one exception of the bra section. That area for some reason overwhelmed me as I felt like I didn't belong. Well, yesterday that changed. I had a few minutes after work and was able to stop and pick up a book that I want to give to my wife when I come out to her next week. Next door to that was a Kohls and I recalled seeing in the paper an advertisement for a bra sale. Since I have decided to ditch the falsies, my look is rather flat and doesn't fill my shirts out correctly. So I decided perhaps I should look for a push-up and/or padded bra to improve my look. Taking the motto to try and push myself I plunged ahead into the assorted (and disorganized) racks of brasserie at Kohls. I saw the other women there shopping and I am sure I got some raised looks in between the racks but really there was nothing to be afraid of there (well except then trying them on in the dressing room but one small step first). After finally figuring out their layout, I managed to find a black and white push-up bra and decided to go with them. I took them to the ever present slow check-out line and felt proud walking out of the store with my mission accomplished. Of course, when I try them on at home they fit, but with the padding and push-up now I fear they may be too much. I may go back and try and exchange the B cups for an A one or keep them and try them with some other blouses to see how they work. I really do need some experienced female help as I still have much longer to go on the learning curve. As I was thinking of the learning curve and looking at my brows in the mirror, I found myself this morning thinking about acceptance. It is odd when I look in the mirror I see more and more how with some more feminine touches and the right hair of course on the top (and electrolysis to remove those I don't want) that I can envision my female face more and more. Yet, no matter how much electrolysis, makeup, hair and any other cosmetic touches, I think that it is impossible for me to as perfectly natural as a real born woman and that is okay. I can see myself as a transgender woman, and thinking about it like that is still a happy thought. That doesn't mean that I am not going to do everything that I can to try and improve my appearance, my style, my gestures & voice to try and fit in and I still hope that with enough work I can achieve that. Its just that I don't see myself as a model fantasy woman but rather want to be like the majority of everyone else. And if I can get to point where I feel that I don't stand out and I can relax, I will be happy if I can then connect with others from within regardless of the image and wasting all this energy on trying to fit in will disappear. I know that level of self-acceptance does not come overnight, but having an idea of what I want to be and keeping it realistic helps me gain some perspective on it. Yes I am taking small steps and feeling better about myself, but this journey hasn't really even started yet. I pray that this coming week will be the first step in the right direction. Hugs, ~Jaclyn Posted by Jacqueline at 1:56 PM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Friday, June 7, 2013 Growing up.. Hello blog, I have really found comfort here is keeping a daily journal as thoughts come fast and furious through my little head and this allows me a good outlet to process them. This morning being a Friday morning will be the last "normal" Friday morning in our household's accustomed routine until we find a new normal so to speak. With the week before I finally come out now here before me, I am going to need my strength and courage to get there. And so badly I want to get there and have come up short time and time again. There is a chance I will look back in the future at this being something I regretted, but I think the odds are I will regret more taking as long as I have to get here. Deep breaths. Big heavy thoughts. I wonder if my family suspects anything? I spent last night making revisions again (10th or 11th time) to my letter that I want to read to my wife. I am never good at expressing the words that I feel so I am working on this like a perfectionist and hope that I can stick to the script. Part of me just wants to go home today and just read it and get it over with. Waiting can be so difficult but I want this to be in as much of a supportive and positive environment that I can. I was planning to go to my counseling session yesterday in male mode, but I couldn't get myself to pass up the opportunity to let Jaclyn out. It felt so good that I spent a few minutes and added some makeup to hide the beard which made me feel even better about myself. Since I worked at home and no one else was around yesterday, I got to spend the rest of the morning and most of the early afternoon as Jaclyn and it felt so natural inside. I managed to get a lot of work done and it seemed like my concentration was better, I even spoke to my boss on the phone and felt good. I am not sure how appearance can affect personality but more and more I am noticing a difference in me as Jaclyn and it seems like a positive one. I guess I feel like I am watching Jaclyn start to grow up and that makes me smile and feel warm inside. It is so hard letting go, but I am really starting to fully embrace being me with all of my heart. My road is going to be long and hard, but Jaclyn is very strong if I give her the chance. Have a nice weekend, I am going to spend as much time as I can enjoying mine with my family. Hugs, Jaclyn Posted by Jacqueline at 8:00 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Thursday, June 6, 2013 601,200 and counting..... 601,200... That is roughly the number of seconds between each of my weekly therapy sessions and I roughly the number of seconds until Jaclyn comes out for the first time. I am so excited and scared and just a total mix of emotions thinking about how this will all go over. I guess I have until Wednesday night to chicken out but after so many efforts and I desperately hoping that I won't. Yesterday evening I had some free time so I visited a very dear friend of mine who has been having some rough times health-wise. It was with her compassion and support, Jacqueline first appeared outside of my front door and I owe her so much for helping me slowly move out of this closet I live in. So it was very nice to see her and to thank her for all that she has done for me. Then in her studio, I saw the most stunning, elegant black dress. She let me try it on and OMG I have never felt so beautiful in my life before. It fit amazingly well and with a shaper underneath I couldn't stop marveling at my curves and how well I looked. I have no practical place to wear it but I so badly want to go back and buy it from her even though that is so fiscally irresponsible. I cannot get the image of Jaclyn in that gorgeous dress out of my mind, in the past few years she has really started to grow up in front of my eyes figuratively. Well, that is what is on my mind this afternoon. Thinking about practicing for next week again here in a bit and still wanting that dress from last night (I will have to look for pictures of it). Hope that you have a fabulous day wherever you are. Hugs ~ Jaclyn Posted by Jacqueline at 12:18 PM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Wednesday, June 5, 2013 Clarity Life is funny sometimes you hear something but the meanings change when you really listen. As I struggle trying to reconcile my two selves, I heard this song and the lyrics reminded me of some of the whys I have been pondering. I think the chorus seemed to summed up my feelings lately. Enjoy :) ~Jaclyn High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again 'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity? If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity? Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you Why are you my clarity? Why are you my remedy? Why are you my clarity? Why are you my remedy? Posted by Jacqueline at 11:06 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Crashing today... Hello blog, While yesterday started off seeming like my mind was clearing and I was able to put some perspective on things, it had a rough ending and I am still feeling like I am crashing hard. I often wonder what people notice about me since inside I feel happy and free one moment then it seems a switch turns on and I can't control feeling so down. This morning's drive I had to pull over into a parking lot and cry for awhile which has been a few weeks for me. I hate not being in control of my emotions and sometimes I even feel some of the darker thoughts creep in that scare me. I can't help wanting to shave all the body hair off my body and I continue to do it in those mostly unseen spots. I have panic attacks thinking about the upcoming pool season because swim suits hide almost nothing of this body I sorely detest. My wife mentioned how the hair around my ankles that was somehow fortunately a clear hair-free patch had seemed to creep up higher on my leg, I played dumb and didn't respond to the fact that I can't stop shaving higher on my legs. I felt that I should stop this until we have our talk, but last night I couldn't control those feelings again and gave my upper chest, pits, hands and calves a fresh shave and then sat on the floor in ball and cried. I don't feel shame or guilt in doing this, I was crying since I can't control myself and would have been hairless if I didn't collapse and cry. I run scissors over my arms to see if I can stop myself from bleeding and I just sit there staring at the red lines they make. Any facade I maintain for the outside world is totally crumbling, and I feel happy and sad about it at the same time. I am not going to be able to keep writing today, and tomorrow I have another session which I have no idea if the therapist will continue to go along with my coming out plans next week. I don't know what I can do if I need to keep up this game. ~jaclyn

Tuesday, June 4, 2013 My personal inventory Good morning, I was planning to title this entry self-doubt yesterday evening as I was reflecting on how I felt but this morning my mind feels a little clearer so I will follow that stream of thoughts instead. Last night I was having anxiety towards coming out to my wife and if I should forget everything but I know that is the last possible solution I want. I have also been feeling that lately I have been obsessed with understanding my own thoughts only - not that is not important because it is and was something that I really needed and continue to need to do - that I feel selfish in that I haven't been looking at things from an outside perspective. I think this week in therapy I want to work on that point of view. Probably more sleeplessness and mentally exhaustion ahead for me here. I am going to need so much strength to make it through this month and it has barely started. But instead of talking about that right now, I want to jot down the ideas that were with me on my way into work this morning. Yes it would be absolutely ridiculous to say I have no self-doubts, if anything most of the things I have taken as up have turned out to be down or sideways or both and in-between if you know what I mean. I often wonder if the image I present shows how much turmoil or questions that keep flipping in my head. I think 40 years of experience of hiding my true feeling may make me a master of disguise in this regard though. So my analytic mind was reviewing what things I believe I have discovered know about me. As my Meyers-Briggs personality would tell you, I have compiled these in a list to try and put some logical order around the chaos I feel inside here: - I know that I cross-dress and that it is not something to be ashamed of. I have felt this need my whole life and it is part of what makes me a normal person for myself. This is something that no matter how many times I toss things away or purge them to the recesses of the attic I will always feel come back to me. - I do not think on the gender term that I feel inside like a man or woman and do not have to feel only as one type. Inside while my feelings reflect more tradition womanly emotions, I don't need to try to be just a woman like I did not need to try to be just a man before. Instead I am going to start living as me. - The feeling inside of me when I dress make me feel better about myself than when I am dressed and keeping up appearances in my male role. Internally I have been feeling this for a very long time and have been scared on what the implications mean. Instead of worrying just about this, I am accepting this about myself. - While these revelations may be devastating to share with my wife and family and that keeping up all these false pretenses for so long may cause them to feel some anger and betrayal, I need to come out to them. If it was my wife coming out to me, I would probably feel some of these things but mostly would feel guilt that she didn't feel comfortable in talking with me about this for so long. I hope that I would soon be able to accept and understand and then fully support her and try and do what I could to help her feel better about the wonderful person she is. That is a real big thought there and I will be pondering that for the next few days I believe. These are the parts where I am still a bit shaky and working on to figure out - While I wish I could just be content to stay inside and avoid all the outside complications, I do not feel that Jaclyn can stay in the closet. I really want to meet other transgendered persons and be able to socially interact as her without worrying if I fit in or not. It does not mean I don't want to do what I can to look nice, but I want to get to the point where I feel good about how I appear and then feel free to be Jaclyn without spending every moment concentrating on playing the part. Eventually I want to get to the place where Jaclyn does not have to live in the shelter of home or the safety of other transgender individuals, I want to be accepted as a person and connect with others in the way I feel I am inside. - I am not sure what the need to freely express myself as Jaclyn will lead me in my journey. I think my needs have changed such that denying myself time as Jaclyn causes me to become irritable, jumpy and a mess of emotions and physically I having a harder time accepting my male form each day. I cannot fully comprehend all of this at once and may change my view once meeting with others, and need to work on being patient as I mature to knowing the answer to this. So that is my summary for today, June 4, 2013 on my own personal inventory. There are alot more details and emotions and work to do here, but I need to take this one step at a time. Looking back I wrote a similar entry one year ago which was more of a checklist of tasks and skills (going outside, working on makeup, coming out to my wife - last one to finish from that list) and I hope that today my list reflects deeper concepts instead of just items to complete. I am working on telling myself I am good and actually I am smiling a bit knowing that I have made some progress since last year and there may yet be hope for me. :) Focus and concentration still seem difficult for me to maintain at all times, but at last I feel that I am getting a clearer picture of what it really means to accept and be myself and that is not as scary as before. There is still that big word change involved out there and alot of anxiety associated with that, but for now I am going to keep working each day to find my answers and not hide away in fear and doubt. Thanks for letting me share with you. Have a good day. Hugs~ Jaclyn Posted by Jacqueline at 8:11 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Monday, June 3, 2013 The wandering mind As I wander across the days, My mind is lost in an eternal haze, I cannot focus, I cannot sleep, My emotions up and down they leap, My reality feels attached from me. Am I normal? I think I know, The answer to this question so, My eyes they sting my throat it hurts, I panic and hide when I feel the worst, Yet it feels so right to forge ahead. The pressure building my family and friends, Soon I'll be out and to what ends? I steal a look in the mirror I pass, My mind's eye sees one thing through this looking glass, The truth is there for me to finally speak. So another day breaks the sun does rise, My spirit know that soon it will escape the lies, Acceptance from those I hold so dear, Is the hope that drives me here, Compassion, love and happiness are my hope. Posted by Jacqueline at 11:55 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Am I crazy?? Some days I feel that I am making progress, some days I feel like I am going clinically insane. Either way I am not sure if I will ever return to some point where I feel like I am functionally 'normally' again. My concentration, my moods, my uncontrollable panic and anxiety attacks and all my energy it seems feels so focused on Jaclyn these days. While I don't feel like I am spending time looking for the answer to why I feel the way I do or why I am this way or why I am wrong anymore, I feel most of my energy is around trying to understand what everything means. I sure hope that all come in more clearer in the near future - at least for any sanity I have left LOL. When I look into mirror I keep seeing myself in my new dress and blouse. That looks so good and I want to find some nice shoes to accent it. Someday, add some jewelry, pierced earrings and a cute purse, I think I like that look alot. Yesterday I was happy thinking of the nice outfit that I splurged and bought myself so that I would have something I could feel good about as a coming out outfit if my wife wants to see me. Then in the middle of the day that bubble burst for no reason and I had to find some excuse to go run off and hide in the house and muffle back sobs while a panic attack settled in. I pulled it together but could not help feeling disconnected the rest of the evening around my wife and her family, and I found myself having a hard time just reading a book to my daughter without crying. This cannot be a healthy existence and I feel exhausted here. Sleeping gets to be even worse, luckily the night before I had a solid sleep because last night I dozed on and off until around 3:30 then my mind was permanently awake for the day. My random thoughts led me to try and relate what my wife's reaction to my coming out is going to be like. Shock? Anger? Upset? Hurt? Blame? Acceptance? Support? How many and what questions she will have - I will have to make sure that I don't get upset but I know I will. So many different ways this is going to go and like a volcano I guess I won't know until it erupts. I hate hurting people that is one part of my nature that perhaps is why it has taken me this long to rip the band-aid off so to speak. I have never been so sure that I am right about telling her as I feel, yet I hate the thought of the pain I may cause. Thoughts like this seem to keep me up at night and will for awhile. Then I panic, then I cry, then I accept then I start this over again. Good lord I know I am crazy! So to break this cycle last night I started thinking of poetry in my head and tried to relate my thoughts. I'll try to relate the gist of what I can remember in another post, please note that it is the rambling thoughts from 4 or 5 in the morning so it may be a bit jumbled. After all this I still want to be Jaclyn and feel the need to be Jaclyn more and more. Is this an addiction? I am still not in control but I hope that I can have some good help to get me there soon. Have a good day, ~Jaclyn Posted by Jacqueline at 11:41 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Saturday, June 1, 2013 Hello June Well today is June 1 and this starts one of the craziest yet exciting months of my life. My countdown to coming out is not at 12 days and I feel an anxiety-riden gal lately thinking about it. Slowly I am making some strides. Yesterday I thought I would make it a whole day without crying until just before bed. I had tried to go the whole day in only male clothes and was successful, until I look in the mirror and then had a panic attack and started scratching at my skin. Of course i tried to rally and feel good about myself, but I missed Jaclyn and then got upset. One day at a time I will get there. I then reread my coming out letter and there is so much I want to change with it. This morning I woke before dawn and started thinking about the changes to my letter and my day ahead. I also spent awhile thinking of my wife's possible reactions and questions she may have. This will be a tough day but one that I feel I need to do so much here. Lucky circumstances my daughter had a birthday party near the transformations store in Arlington Heights, so I volunteed to do drop off and pick up and give myself some shopping time. Oh what fun that was. In my male form, I will have to say I am mostly anti-social and shy. When I go into Jaclyn mode I find myself way more social and within 2 minutes of being in the store I believe I blabbed my whole story to Rori and the other person working there. I asked them about support groups and luckily the next tea they have is scheduled for the Tuesday after I come out. Yipee, I am so looking forward to that and meeting others like me and that date should work great for my schedule. I will need to talk with my therapist to make sure that is ok but I hope to go. I was also successful in spending more money than I planned. I found a fabulous black trumpet skirt and this is exactly what I want to wear if my wife wants to meet Jaclyn. I was able to get a complementing black and white top for it and I think this will be a good look that I am striving for. I try to analyze all my emotions, but it felt so good to be there and share with them and I feel a bit embarassed that I went on and on. I also told them how last year I planned to go and got to the parking lot a froze during one of their teas. So they invited me to stop by before and get a makeover and go with them to meet the girls. OMG, that seems an almost too good to be true invitation and I will seriously consider that. I will drop them an email later because I really want to thank them from the bottom of my heart for all their kindness and understanding. Well, I need to get going. I have another poem that I am working on for my wife and a short story I started for my daughter that I will share in a later update. I can't wait to try on my coming out outfit since it makes me feel good and I believe it will look good with my wig as well. Hugs and happy June, Jaclyn Posted by Jacqueline at 11:43 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Friday, May 31, 2013 Change is coming... Hello blog, This morning I awoke with a million thoughts racing through my head so this is going to be a long, winding entry I do believe. One thing about being as introverted as I am is that sharing and letting out with others makes me physically exhausted and last night I pretty much collapsed when it got close to bedtime. I have this mental image of myself as Jaclyn that I see coming out more and more. After yesterday's session, I can see that not only is this possible but it is what I want more than ever before. I wanted it to be when I woke up this morning even though that was impossible, and I am going to keep this image with me as I face the challenges and long, long road ahead. I have spent close to 42 years on this earth as a man, and I want to spend at least that long as a woman, and who knows how many years in-between which is where I want to start as soon as I am able. Change is something I have been afraid of before and I am going to run towards it and not away from it from now on. But a little step each day I believe. Today is the last day of May and fitting for me that June has always been my favorite month of the year I start with contemplating death. No not in the physical funeral type of death but in the tarot card sense of death in terms of the finality of one phase bringing on the birth of another. Okay, I realize I am getting deep here but please bear with me. I woke up this morning with that image I want to be, I realize that in the coming months I will be asked and told many times how crazy it seems but I feel that it is the right thing for me. I don't know if my emotional roller coaster and uncontrollable crying outbursts were my body telling me that I needed to grieve for the loss of my male self and my old comfortable habits that came with my disguise, but when I look at pictures I see Jaclyn in my mind's eye and now need to figure out how to bring that out. I got so much to learn and I am going to need to ask for help like I never have before, but this is what I want. Will I have relapses and moments of doubt and anxiety and fears and who knows what - yes, I will but I am banking this image and feeling inside of me will carry me through. So I am thinking about death in a positive way - I plan to take all the positive aspects of my personality and experiences from my male self forward but I am looking at it in a new perspective of giving me the chance to emerge the way I've felt I should be. Maybe this is all psychological babble, but I am done hurting inside being afraid and hiding, and writing this allows me to express what I feel today. Coincidentally, last night brought the death of my oldest pet - an African fat-tailed gecko that I had named Elvis. My wife persuaded me to get her twelve and a half years ago when we were lived separately as a companion and she became sort of a reminder of that period to me. I'll miss that little companion of mine, but I'll remember her and how she helped me through that one period in my life. I guess that is someways reminds me of my change ahead and how I'll take my past experiences but try and make a happier future for me. I'm scared of change but more excited about it than fearful. The roller coaster that is my life is nearing the top of the largest hill I have been on yet, I need to hold on tight as I go over the top. Hugs ~Jaclyn Posted by Jacqueline at 7:39 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Thursday, May 30, 2013 Just Jaclyn Hello blog, Today I have come to accept some things about myself and it feels good. I am transgender. I am not a bad person because of this and I am more foolish to continue to hide this rather than to hid my need to come out. This therapy thing is a real mind-warp huh? Really after so much time of hating myself, feeling guilty or wondering why I am, I am no longer going to waste energy on that and instead work to love myself, be proud and accept things. I think I have always wanted this inside but my confidence in letting it out is growing and it feels great beyond belief. I am crying right now as I type, but these tears taste different from those of shame and guilt that I have tasted so many time before, these are what my daughter calls happy tears. I am transgender. It feels so good to say that I keep saying it over and over again. No I haven't gotten a formal diagnosis but if I am wrong about this then I really don't know anything. I know that doesn't come with an unconditional license on freedom, there are so many struggles and tough times ahead as being transgender in society. I am going to have many future difficulties and tears and anger and so on with this, but I feel like I can focus ahead for once. Shame, guilt, low-self esteem, high social anxiety - yes I have all these traits and I am going to need to keep working each day to improve them. I think I wrote this blog to help with that, and soon I will be leaning hard on my family to help me cope in the days ahead. My dear friend Janna who is struggling with Chemo right now I want to send out my best wishes. Her unconditional kindness and compassion helped me first come out and taste a little bit of freedom and feel better about myself. I may try to stop by and drop off some flowers to help cheer her up, but first I want to let her rest and get her strength back so that I can hug her and thank her for letting me see that I can be free. I tend to be a very list oriented person as seen in prior posts, now today I want to start a new one: (1.) Accept myself and work each day to see the good qualities I possess (2.) Come out to my wife and let her know the real person I have not be able to reveal before (3.) Let her process and answer questions, positive or negative I need to know her position (4.) Cry together, build a plan, decide on how to present to my daughter (5.) Learn more about style and makeup and poise and .... (so many skills to work on) (6.) Join a TG support group, meet other transpeople and learn so much (7.) Reassess how I am doing and decide on the next step. I cannot imagine where this will take me to, but I am going to go ahead until I find the right place for me and not stop. Step 2, I am still planning for in 2 weeks barring any total slip-ups around the house. That seems like a large iceberg and I am now picking up ramming speed for it, we will have to see if I will sink, float or something in-between there. Steps 3 & 4 will probably be repetative and may take some time to keep coming back to. I am looking forward to going a TG group after coming out, which suprises me since have never been a group person before. The other big decision (actually alot smaller compared to everything else), is that I think I am going to change the spelling of my name from Jacqueline to Jaclyn. Besides seeming more up-to-date, I want to do that for symbolic reasons - Jacqueline was the person that hid and carried around shame and guilt, Jaclyn is going to be strong, proud and like herself. I know that seems semantics, but that seems like a positive start here. Regardless of whatever name I take, I will always try to take the best qualities out of Jacqueline, my male name, and Jaclyn and become the best person I can be. Depending on how my wife accepts things, I may change again and ask her for help since I want her to continue to be a part of me. So this may not be a permanent change but like me a continual evolution forward. So I end this as I have in the past before, wishing everyone well and sending hugs where I can. I will need plenty of them in the days ahead. Hugs, ~Jaclyn P.S. I am transgender! I needed to scream that one more quick time here. Posted by Jacqueline at 1:02 PM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Wednesday, May 29, 2013 Hair! Hello blog, Another day here I feel like I am struggling forward. More and more I am having trouble concentrating or fixing on anything it seems as my mind continues to process the madness I feel like I am slipping into. I feel totally out of control sometimes, like last night when I slipped on my new capris and then started shaving higher up on my ankles. It was so hard to stop and not do my entire legs but that would be a blazing red flag to the world that I am not a man (which I am not but need to keep up appearances). So to sate this need, I started shaving my armpits again which there was only stubble anyhow from a few weeks ago. But I couldn't stop there, I went on and shaved my hands up my wrists (damn those knuckles are hard to do) and then my gentelia again since I couldn't think of anywhere else that was hidden. God those things are so ugly, even without hair. I then looked really hard at my eyebrows, plucked them a little and thought how nice it would be to get them waxed in a more feminine arched shape. I started to trim a bit and then put the razor down before I would hack anymore off. So, of course after I finally regained control, I felt guilty a bit but it was a little different or so I imagined it was. I think it was not really the guilt of knowing that men are not supposed to shave their body hair but more the guilt that I should feel the way I do and feel like I have to hide it. Or at least I am trying to convince myself of that fact here. Anyways I don't think this therapy thing is working because I spent most of last night awake again thinking how worse I have felt and how out of control I am now. I find myself having panic attacks where I scratch my forearms and then flip emotions and go and put a clear coat of nail polish on. I feel like I am getting reckless from my actions of getting detected at home and can't stop running in the basement and slipping something on just to comfort me down. I can't wear my male underwear anymore and I tuck so hard that it doesn't feel good until it is uncomfortable. I am so messed up I want to go and quit this Thursday because I can't continue like this yet I don't think I can get back to being as I was before. I don't know what the definition of crazy is but I feel like I would qualify there. So there other thing that I have noticed is that my mood swings are getting more frequent and more severe. I can only imagine how explosive I would be with estrogen, as I can't stop by breaking down one moment and laughing the next. Or another example that I have completely lost it. Santorium, hold me a seat! That was were my thoughts wandered to at oh-so-early o'clock in the middle of the night. Then my mind fixated on hair. Not body hair but hair on the top of one's head. Beautiful, luscious, silky hair. I know psychologists use the term penis envy but for me as a totally follicle-challenged physical being, I have a sever case of hair envy. All types - long, sinuous locks of blonde hair, bouncy auburn brown long straight hair, curly hair, bobs, layers, buns of every shade imaginable - I love them all. All except for the ugly, remnant, pathetic scraps that I see when I do manage to look in a mirror or picture. Did you know that testosterone was the cause of male baldness? Another reason to hate that so much, I read that in a book yesterday and got angry at myself. I once had curly, blonde hair and my mother and I would go to a special salon across town where she would let me get a perm so that it would be curlier and stylish. These were one of the most special times I shared with my mother and I loved that experience of sitting there and watching the result as the hairdresser blew it out. I didn't care that the kids at school called me 'Brillo head' or 'Afro boy', I guess by then I was oblivious since I was called all sorts of names for my lack of fitting in anyhow. But each time I was noticing that my forehead was advanced on the curls and waves that I loved spending time each morning working and adding mousse or gel into until I felt good about it. My mom would later in life tell me how she saw me in the shower staring at hair in the drain after a shower (actually that was a combination of me shaving some of my coming in body hair as well), and I look back at that moment know and think how I hatred my body started to grow. I remember how many times she kept asking me when I told her I wanted to go the salon and get my hair straightened out, and after several protests she finally relented. I haven't been to a salon to get my hair down since then, and today all I do is go to your local down the street hair discount cutters and get the number 2 razor when my wife reminds me I need to. I would so love to have long hair, to get highlights, to get layers and to be able to set and style and everything. I love my wig but I have to take it off and never really know how to do it up right anyways. Can I trade my penis for a full head of head LOL? I know that I am shallow but that is a dream of mine. I'll keep rubbing those lamps until I find a genie I guess. To leave today in my creative, silliness, I wrote a quick little ditty on hair here. Cue the background music from 'Hairspray' since I couldn't add music to a blog. I think I want to go put on my wig and brush it for a bit. Hugs~ Jacqueline

Ode to Hair Here, there and everywhere, Is there anything more beautiful than hair, Long, sinuous locks of gold, Oh these glorious things I long to hold, A bob, updo, braids or bun, Any style would be so fun, Fiery red, blonde, brown or black, So many colors that never lack, To have long hair, attached on top, To stand in a windstorm and watch that mop, Blow and twirl and never stop, My fondest wish for hair to drop, But it's not all fun, this glorious hair you say, It takes so long and took much time each day, But the next time when tangles or bed head makes you complain, Remember the poor boy who watched his go down the drain. Tuesday, May 28, 2013 desperately wanting capris... Hello world, I tried to manage a nice Memorial day in between my neurotic breaks and moments where all these thoughts in my head caused me to seek someplace quiet. Some days here I think I am completely losing it and wonder why I keep trying to make sense of everything. It is so hard to change old patterns I guess. I worked on several iterations of my coming out letter that I hope someday to be able to deliver to my wife. The versions seem to oscillate between an I'm sorry to be this way apology letter to a statement that I want to be the woman I feel like inside and need to take or leave it like this version. I am so confused at this right now. Of course I continue to wake up in the middle of the night and lay in bed thinking of my future. Last night that was around 4 when I was up and hostage to my racing mind. So many things pop into my head at that time of day - Capri pants, sexual intimacy, hair transplants, work acceptance, poems, stories, etc. etc. I will write more details later but for now I am thinking of buying a cute capri pant/blouse set to wear during my next session. I've always liked that look and I really want to try and look nice and somewhat put together in my appearance. It is not fiscally responsible in the least bit, but doggone it I am going to treat myself to something nice for once. Now if only I can have a spa day with a mani/pedi I will be in heaven. That will happen since I am tired of being afraid of what I want. So that sort of takes me back to thinking of what I want. I think I know but it scares the hell out of me. I am going to work on that, and gaining the strength and self-confidence though, one flower sling-back sandal at a time. Hugs, ~Jacki Ok - quick update here. Made it out and browsed the racks at JcPenny for the outfit I saw before and they had moved and changed the store around over the weekend so I did not find the set I was planning to buy. However, I went to Carson Prarie and they were having a basics sale so I got caught up looking at capri's there and found a nice pink pair. I also found a nice floral blouse and cami to go under and picked them up. I was going to even try the dressing room but heard some snickers coming from two ladies shopping when I was holding the pants up to measure, so I lost my nerve there. I still shopped and bought them off the rack so I am happy, but need more work on coordination and handling the stares and snickers. I have some ideas to mix and match with some other blouses and stretch pants so I am happy for today. Cheers! Posted by Jacqueline at 9:26 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Sunday, May 26, 2013 Happy Memorial Day Happy Memorial Day, I just needed to take a few moments here during the holiday weekend to help clear my thoughts and try to relax and enjoy the time with my family. I'd like to be able to fully enjoy the time, but feel constantly at ends with all that is going on and keeping up the happy façade seems harder these days. I saw today the Mercury, Venus and Jupiter will be in conjunction just after sunset. How I wish internally I had everything aligned. I feel as if my heart and my mind are in a constant battle and I am trying to make sense of what it all means. I keep reading so much material on transgenderism, and it makes me realize so much that some of the things I thought before were because I was shy or repressed gay or whatever my because I am transgender. That scares me to write that sentence but I am slowly working on doing it more to help me accept the truth. What it all means and where I am at, I don't know and that is worrisome. My heart tells me I am a woman inside, and my mind keeps telling me how foolish or impossible this fact can be. Do you remember the elf dentist in Rudolph holiday cartoon classic - I feel like a misfit like Hermmy there and will never fit in. But then my heart keeps thinking of how good it feels to let me hair down and that emotion is so strong and over-powerful that I get lost in that world. I am truly more screwed up than ever before. I have been having even harder time not getting dressed in at least one feminine thing or behavior that I have ashamedly snuck a skirt along with my clothes here this weekend. I excused myself to the bathroom away from everyone else for a few moments last night since I needed to put it on to relax. I feel the chances that I am taking these days are almost suicidal and if I don't come clean I will bust myself. Yet, I tried to write my letter and had a difficult time in what I had to say. Well, I need to go but thanks for the brief respite. I feel a bit better. ~Jacki Posted by Jacqueline at 8:14 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Friday, May 24, 2013 Ice skating dreams.. Hello blog, Ok, today so far is not a good day. Have you ever cried going down the freeway at 65 mph? I think I am becoming very skilled at doing this sort of thing and very tired of it at the same time. Some mornings I feel like I am the king of its just fine. As in - how are you, how are things going, do you need anything, .. - no i'm just fine, i'm just ok. In reality I feel that I could be further from the being fine and hurting so much this morning. Let me back the drama train up here a bit, yesterday I felt very incredible proud and happy for myself for my councilling session and how I had some poise and was able to logically reason some things out. I was able to set a date for my coming out to my wife and that was a huge accomplishment that I really wanted so badly. But the best part of the day was probably something most people don;t even notice, it was having the therapist hello to Jacqueline and addressing me this way. Maybe I'm just totally crazy but right now I cannot seem to get enough of being addressed as Jacki or Jacqueline which I am sure is some psychological need or some sort. So my day went well even after the session when I had to put Jacki back in the box (no pun intended). I got preoccupied with work and getting ready for the holiday weekend and before I realized it was time for my daughter to go to bed. That's when the ton of bricks drop so to speak. We started talking about how my daughter usually doesn't call me daddy but instead uses my male first name. I have never been bothered by this and see no reason to correct her, and in fact she told me that she liked using my first name rather than calling me daddy. I told her that it was fine no matter what she calls me since I will always love her no matter what and that is one of the few definite truths to my core I absolutely know. I kissed her and tucked her into bed for the night and didn't think any more of it at the time. But later in the middle of night (I am starting to dread my mind processing things in the middle of the night), I was up again thinking about my whole day and the name episode with my daughter came back to mind. I tried thinking of why my daughter didn't feel right about calling me daddy and I wonder if this is because she sees that I am not a typical man no matter how much bravado I try to maintain, around her so that she has a male role model. I know this sounds superficial, but someone with child honesty perhaps she sees me not as how I pretend but as I am which I have always struggled to do. I spent so long during the rest of the night (I am so tired since sleeping has not been easy) trying to ask myself who I am, why I am this way and perhaps more importantly why can't I feel happy. I've also been reading alot about transgenderism and thinking of all those red flags I missed growing up (I know someone shaving their entire body and studying while wearing a dress should have clued me in). I remember thinking that I must be shy, gay, habitual sinner, sexual perverted and lastly as a genetic freak since at least junior high and still not sure what I am . This self-acceptance thing is so much easier to write or talk about than to convince myself about. So after I spent awhile thinking about how my daughter isn't fooled by me, and wondering why I didn't clue in on things so much earlier, my mind went to ice skating. I know the mind is really a very strange thing and mine is much more odd than others. One of my favorite memories with my Mom was always watching the olympic women's figure skating and I remember afterwards twirling around on the hardwood floors of our house with my socks on imiating them after their performance (by the way, I walked around on my tiptoes and spun around in imiatations after seeing ballet dancing too if that wasn't another clue I missed). In particular I remember the 1984 olympics with Katarina Witt and how enchanting and graceful she was. While I never have admitted it, I didn't like her but really wanted to be her - up there dancing on ice so gracefully, charming the audience and showing so much strength and beauty. I think as a 13 yr-old boy I may have interpreted this as a crush or something, but truth be told I would rather have been her than with her. I still love watching ice dancing and have that fantasy of having some strong man lead me and lift me up while I dazzle a crowd with our beauty together. Of course I never admitted this to my parents, instead telling them I was going to be a professional baseball player or astronaut and I told myself this to believe. I wish I could have noticed their reaction to my indoor figure skating or ballet twirls, or wonder if they even noticed I was there at times. Well, that's my deep hidden secret for today. Eventually the alarm went off this morning (it was light before I even feel asleep), and I started my day depressed that it was the same as those before. Getting ready I tried to look at myself in the downstairs mirror and that led me to breaking down and sobbing while my wife was upstairs showering for the day. After a bit, I put on my fine face and set on out for the day to begin. I realize that I'm not fine, and wish instead to be that little boy pretending to do a triple sachow for the world to marvel at but that remains in the fantasy realm for me. I looked up Katarina's picture below on the net (didn't realize that she must have gone on to do playboy afterwards) and pasted the image that has been set into my mind. This has helped temporarily, but there are mirrors out there and I have to look into them to find me I know. I have to go back to the real world for now, but will keep this little blog as an outlet until I can share these thoughts out loud. Have a happy memorial day. Needing a big strong hug today ~jacki Posted by Jacqueline at 9:02 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Thursday, May 23, 2013 session two Hello world, I am just getting back from my second counciling session this morning and I actually feel better a bit about things. I am just going to try and avoid my past behaviors and really, really, really want to make a good change in my life. I like my therapist and know that it is going to keep getting harder, but for today I am going to try and appreciate the steps to get there. A few big items that we discussed in particular that made me feel like it was a positive experience today. I decided to dress and to present to her as Jacqueline and that helped me relax and accept myself. I know that sounds very superficial and not logical, but this small step told me in a way that I can do it and I will be working on that more. Another one (of many good points) she brought up was asking me how I felt dressed. It felt so wonderful to say good in response and I am still tingly just now remembering that. I hated going back in male mode after the session, and honestly I need to understand that it is alright feeling good and dressing as Jacqueline. There are other issues there beyond just dressing I realize, but for me I will take one small blouse covered step today, and yes it feels good. The biggest issue that I wanted to discuss and was able to talk with her about was coming clean to my wife. I need so very much to do this soon, and we set a date 3 weeks from today for the day of reckoning here. I can't believe that there is a date in target now and I feel a bundle of emotions around that, but knowing there is a date helps out. She also presented a viewpoint for me to consider from my wife's perspective and that was very enlightening. I will need to work on how to prepare for this, the most important thing to be comfortable and feel good enough about myself. This I am going to strive for this unlike anything I have done before because I want to try and love my wife and my life together. Finally we discussed me having better self-esteem and acceptance. That is a personal hard one with my 40 or so years of negative patterns. I will work hard on that too, but Rome wasn't built in a day and this will be tough for me. But at least as I reflect and talk out loud about it, I think there may be a possible path to lead me there. I sure hope at least there is. Well, that's enough for now - more time for me to process things and to get back to the current state in-between where my real life is. Here's another one of my poems from earlier this week, I was motivated by the title of a Bruce Springsteen song for this one. Hugs~ Jacki

Trouble river There’s a trouble river up around that bend, There’s a trouble river upstream without an end, Have you ever tired of walking along its rocky shore, Watching the world you want to be in and not able to afford, And then finally jumped in without a care anymore, Well that is my trouble river for me my friend. I am getting ready to take that fearful plunge you see, Tired of living like a fraud and time to be me, I’m going plunge right in without time even to think, Take that leap of faith and sure hope I don’t sink, For once I trust my heart to pick the right place to jump, Know not what shore I will wash up on, but at least I’ll be free. Have you ever loved someone without loving yourself, Have you ever wondered out loud what wrong with myself, I’m consumed by these thoughts and I need to find my right space, I'm tired of swimming against the current that puts back into my place, I still love the shoreline and all the joys it has brought, But greedily I wish for the best of both places together wrought, This is the trouble water that you see, This is the gentle stream that is home to me. Posted by Jacqueline at 11:10 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Wednesday, May 22, 2013 Anxious reflections.. I am feeling a bit anxious this morning and actually looking forward to my session with my councilor tomorrow. I am thinking that I want to wear the pair of jeans and purple blouse from my picture last week to the session because I want to start talking about what I want to be. I am not sure if the wig will be too distracting but then again I look horrible without it so I am having a dilemma with that. Either way I feel like it is time that I can no longer hide and need to come out so to speak and dressing as Jacqueline makes me feel good about me. Yes, one of my many hang-ups is my self-image. I wonder if this is 'normal' or another weird thing of mine but I cannot look into a mirror or picture of myself as a man and not want to cringe. Hate is such a horrible word, but yet that is the emotion I feel when I do look at myself there, I hate having short/bald hair on my head. I hate how pathethic my arms and legs look and cannot seem to accept myself there. Even worse is after the shower when I see the hair on my body which I would need a word beyond hate to describe my feeling to that. I won't describe my feeling towards my gentilia since that is for me to work through with my therapist, but that doesn't rank high on my list as well. In fact, I have taken up to getting dressed/undressed in the closet at home which in itself is a humorous thought is funny that I need to go into the closet to get dressed as a male. I started doing it as I was embarassed to be naked in front of my wife and I am not sure if she notices that pattern at all. Its not that I don't love her (I do so much) or are afraid of rejection (she has told me plenty of times how unconditionally she loves me) but more my own feeling of inadequacy that I can't seem to shake. I'm sure we'll have a good session or two to tackle this one as well. The other thing that I want to address in my session tomorrow is when I should plan to bring my wife into knowing that I am seeing a therapist and why I am. I'm guessing she will make me decide that one and if that is the case I want the strength to do it soon. So blog, there will be alot more writing then because my stress level will be off the charts. Finally, after so many hard and not so hard attempts at getting a recommended book on transexualism I finally checked out Mildred Brown's True Selves last night. It was much harder than I anticipated to find a library that carried it and then being able to check it out under a different library card. Last night, I also came across a blog by the famous? Dr. Becky that detailed her year up to SRS. After the first few entries I found myself totally tuned in as it almost read like something that I would have wrote. So I spent up to past midnight last night reading the whole year on my Nook reader and her successes (and some setbacks) in transitioning left me with some hope if that is my eventual route. The divorce part and loss of communication with her son did cause me duress, but that is a fact I need to realize is a good possiblity from my actions. Well, these are my thoughts here today, I feel like going to the mall here over lunch or trying to find somewhere to read more of the book I checked out. I'm hoping for a good day tomorrow and for more things to get sorted out. Wish me luck! Hugs~ Jacqueline ok - brief update here this afternoon. Spent over an hour sitting in my car while the rain was coming down reading the first 2 chapters of true selves. I'm feeling depressed again as it recalled some of those bad memories of childhood. Next section is on adolscence and I remember how much I hated when my voice changed. Not looking forward to that one either! Posted by Jacqueline at 10:25 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook Tuesday, May 21, 2013 My path ahead If there's anything that I can say positive about my dealing with stress, is that the amount of writing I tend to do seems to increase exponentially as I process everything in my head here. This week has been no exception. I have started and completed several poems, as well as random thoughts on where I am in life and where I'm going (as if I had a clue of that one!). I have thought and thought about my situation, and I think yesterday evening I started to turn a corner. Yes I am still very sad about what sharing my big, hairy secret with friends and family may lead to, but I sense a bit of clarity about myself amongst all the chaos. I have spent alot of time self-analyzing (probably way too much to be healthy I fear), and come to some realizations. While I have never been happier or never felt as much joy in my life as my family provides, I also have felt the urge to dress and be a woman more than ever before. This leads me to understand that my prior thoughts that my past desires to just be one of the girls must not have been due to loneliness or depression or some strange sexual need, but it is part of my being. This fact alone is very scary and something that I have spent years running from and it is time for me to confront it. Just typing it out here in a blog noone reads is scary enough, but it does help me draw strength to go forward. I was just remembering this morning when it was time for my high school prom, and how jealous I was of all the girls that were getting their hair done up, buying fancy dresses and getting make-overs and part of me wished that I would wake up and be one of them. Of course my coping mechanism then was of shame and guilt for having these thoughts, and I have spent most of my 40-some years on this earth running away from this. I know I have very low self-esteem and self-confidence, and always thought I was able to control my feelings. I think those days are over as it is going to be very difficult if not impossible to put Jacqueline back in a tidy box and repress this feelings inside anymore. I think I was thinking right after my first session that I was like a climber on a safety rope that just ventured the tiniest distance over the edge, but in truth I think I have gone too far and it is not possible to scramble back to the top again. Instead it is a matter to figure where I am going to land below - crash and burn on some rocks or find some soft eden-like landing spot. Probably some combination in between I guess. So I still don't have any answers and tomorrow I may wake up tomorrow and feel totally different. I don't think so and will continue to struggle each day to making at least a little more progress. I have thoughts about all this that feels like it is rushing out in more directions than I can keep up in typing so I realize this post is probably disjointed at times here. I can't wait to talk to my therapist this week as I hope that will help me confirm or understand my thoughts a bit better here. So, in spirit of writing, I had come up with a new poem this morning and I hope that it sounds more positive and reflects things I feel more than some of my recent doom and gloom poems.

The path The storm clouds filled the sky last night, Refreshed the air, the earth, the ground, Did you hear their thunderous roars? And notice the cleansing beauty all around? I opened my door to gaze at this wet world, Pausing to recall how it appeared before, In front I see the path I have resisting too much, Closing one behind me, I open up a new door The path lies ahead, the rain did not wash it away, This scary road that I have pretended to not see, I have to follow it to see where it leads, To first lose myself, and then to find the real me, So I will take each footfall with a heavy heart, Warm memories my only luggage to comfort me, I know not what this journey requires, But onward down the path it leads Deep down inside I ask the questions, Why can’t I be happy, why do I feel this way? I cannot answer them all or pretend any longer But follow and search the road for the light of day. I place one foot in front of the other, trying not to rush it, I take my small step for today, Come tomorrow I’ll take another, And slowly I hope to find my way, Somewhere off in the distance the path it leads, Squinting I look to see where my path ends, So here I go, my dear friend I know I must, And would love to know you in the end. Namaste, ~Jacki Posted by Jacqueline at 9:29 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Monday, May 20, 2013 not just mondays.. Hello world, I have a short time to write today, but I am hoping by the end of this I will have pulled myself together a bit more. Today is not a good day for me, make it this past weekend has been incredible tough. I feel anger, pain, guilt and self-pity encompassing me and don't know how to make things better. The culmination of the past weekend was my daughter's school performance on Sunday afternoon. I was so proud of watching that self-confident, beautiful little (big as she tells me) girl playing her piano piece flawlessly and then losing herself up on stage while we applauded for how wonderful she is. I love her and I love my family, it hurts me with a pain I cannot imagine to know how they will react to me coming clean. While this past weekend was also spent celebrating my in-laws birthdays and late Mother's day, whenever I thought about how screwed up I am I had to find somewhere quiet to cry and pull myself together to pretend everything is fine. But everything is not fine, I have no control over that aspect of my life right now and the roller coasters of emotions is almost too much to bear. Since my appointment last week, I told my boss that I would need some time to work through some unspecified personal issues - she was supportive and fine but probably has no sense on what those issues are. I sensed today that she is feeling a bit worried about me, but not ready to go there yet in any capacity. I also have been trying to get a book on transgenderism that my therapist recommended to help me understand where I fall on the spectrum. She is the second therapist I've spoke with that has recommended this book - but for one so highly recommended I am having all sorts of trouble getting a copy. I've been to 3 Barnes and Noble and the best I can do is order it for a few weeks to arrive. Our library doesn't have it, in paper or nook tablet form so I found a search of Chicago area libraries for it. I found a copy and drove to a library around 10 miles away over lunch today to check it out, only to realize once I was at the library I left my wallet (and my home library card which I need) back in my desk. I am such an idiot and got back in the car and screamed at myself at being so dumb. I'm hoping to get a chance to stop by after work and pick it up, I really want to check it out and hope that I can soon. I have been also trying to read and look up information online but that is overwhelming at times. I found a blog from Dr. Becky that she kept during the year of her transition and almost stayed up all night reading each entry. Her story and views seemed so familiar, and I spent most of that night awake thinking about it. I haven't slept well since I don't know when and of course when I do my dreams are all jumbled and confused. I think deep down inside I really know what I want and I am so painfully scared to let that out. But I have to, and I keep thinking that I cannot last much longer without at least talking about seeing a pysch. I want to tell my wife right now about it, but I have played this out in my head and expect the line of conversation like this after she processes it Wife: "So what type of therapist is she" Me: "She helps people deal with personal issues, I'm trying to resolve my low self-esteem" Wife: "I saw she was a family and gender counselor, are you unhappy in our marriage" Me: "No, you are the most important thing in my life" Wife: "I support you - should we go together to work this out as a family. I don't know what I'm doing wrong." Me: "It's not you it's me (cheesy famous line- sorry!). The truth, is I have a secret life from before we met that I'm trying to resolve" Wife: Confused looks here Me: "I've always felt comfort in women's clothes and acting female. I can't control this feeling now and I'm working with her to figure it out" Wife: "Are you gay" Me: "No, I don't think so. I love you, you are my soulmate (I mean that so much)" Wife: "I don't understand, what about our daughter, what about our family and friends. Is this just a phase?" Me: "I thought so but I don't know much of anything. I am so so so sorry. I can't express this need I have inside to sneak away and put on wonen's jeans or a dress or paint my nails or whatever. I'm so screwed up." Wife: "Do you want to be a woman then" Me: (I don't know how i'll answer this) Well, anyways that is how I am imagining this conversation will go, and I don't think after this point she will ever see me the same way again and don't think she will ever love me truly again after it. I will never stop loving her and my daughter, but it hurts me so bad to know that I will soon become a living freak show for them and I am so scared about how I am going to mess them up. This morning after getting ready, I was looking at the photos on the fridge and couldn't stop sobbing thinking that I will never see another one of my daughter's school performance, or show up at any of her functions ever again since it will only get worse as she gets older to have a feminine dad. My wife almost caught me sobbing but I heard her at the last moment coming down the stairs and managed to look away and wipe my tears quickly before she saw them. My eyes must have looked red and my disposition must have appeared glum though, and she asked me if anything was bothering me and offered me a hug. That is the kind, incredibly warm human being she is, I just hugged her and told her I was just a bit blue since it was Monday morning. But it really wasn't just Monday I know. ~Jacki

Thursday, May 16, 2013 post session thoughts This morning after all my hesitation and anxiety I finally made it to my first session. I'm not going to elaborate but I still feel like I am shaking inside with how I am scared my path is headed. I'm not very brave, not very good with stress and really lost where my place in this world is. I still not sure what I want, but the one thing I am going to take positive out of this day is that tomorrow is another and I will go back and figure things out. The other positive thing with all this stress is that I have been writing alot of new poems lately to cope with the stress. I think this one is fairly obvious of my mindset of the past few days, but this will help me remember this time when I look back I guess. I also felt that I needed to calm down so I got into Jacqueline mode for a brief time today (sans makeup and nail polish unfortunately) and that felt like escaping for a moment to get a breath of air. Always thinking metaphorically, today's meeting left me feeling like I was standing on the edge of a cliff that I have gazed over oh so many times before. Where before I stood there helpless and slumped to my knees and wept, I feel like today I have finally tied my repelling line onto a rock with some sort of determination to do something. While I still am trembling with fear and clutching on with white knuckles, perhaps I have finally taken that very first tiny leap over the edge. How far did I go? 6 inches, a few feet, I don't know and the rocky bottom still looks so very far away and dangerous to me today. I still don't know if I will scamper back up to the safety of the ledge or go down a few more feet and then turnaround or if the line is going to snap and send me hurtling down in disaster - I guess what I do know is that I did try a little and to stop and be happy with that. I am still so very confused and scared and hurt inside. I hope tomorrow things will get better! ~Jacki

The ocean I scream at the ocean, the ocean says nothing One wave crashes ashore and follows another I look in at myself, and think about running Deep into the water until I am drowning But I never move from the shore I search in the ocean, looking for answers Silently it responds although it says nothing The timeless tide rolls on as it has seen this before So I stand here fixed, with my feet sinking deeper Wanting to move but with no momentum to fight The undertow pulls me and beckons me forward To the bottomless sea where I am destined to be... Posted by Jacqueline at 3:04 PM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Friday, May 10, 2013 Finally out and more confused than ever.. Hello world, It's me, Jacqueline, back from the edge of who knows what personal drama and still desperately trying to figure things out. I was going to go in and delete some of my prior posts and stories, but decided against it to keep it as a reminder of my journey back and forth here. I had a crisis there and tried to tell myself to get over things, but somewhere in the back of this screwed up head I guess the reasoning that throwing stuff out would not change me, so i didn't go through with it. Instead, I got all my stuff together, drove to a deserted collection box, parked and did what my pathetic self does, cried uncontrollably and sat there doing nothing. I eventually donated a pair of too small heels but that was all I could do. After that day, I put my things away and pinned for some clarity to arise. It didn't. Around a month later, I felt the need to get out again rising and started sneaking a few moments alone in the closet to try some things on. I started shopping and looking at clothes, it is so painful to look at things that you cannot possess, and I knew that I needed some femme time in a bad way. Fortunately, an opportunity came up when I would have a totally free evening and I pounced on this moment. I reached out to another wonderful tgurl whom I tried to connect with before and arranged a date for us to meet and go out together. I was shaking with the prospect of going out in public but so damn determined that I needed to do this.I hardly slept and ate the week before and my mind kept thinking about our date. When the day did arrive, I was a bundle of nerves so to speak. I had the afternoon off so when I was finally free of all obligations I took a nice long soaking bath to try and clear my head and calm myself down. That seemed to work and soon I was busy rooting through all my different outfits trying to find what I thought would look good together. Eventually I decided upon a blouse, stretch pants and skirt ensemble that was a familiar fav of mine and packed the rest in case I changed my mind again. Next, it was time for makeup which I am slowly feeling more confident about but still lack the skills. I tell you, eyes are the most difficult for me and I tried to go with the most subtle look while still feeling like I was pancaking stuff on my face. I forgot to extend my eyebrow line out and will need to remember that for next time. After some furious work, i was brushing my hair while doing a final check and getting ready to take the plunge outside. Nervously, I gathered all my items and headed to the front door and paused there thinking how I had stopped at this point oh so many times before. I am not one to believe in divine intervention, but almost at the same moment I got to the door, I heard our neighbor bringing her kids inside and realized that now the coast was clear. Swallowing hard, I put my head down and bolted straight to my car to avoid any suspicious looks from anyone there. First part done, I made my way to a deserted parking garage where I finished my ensemble and checked myself out again. I can't describe the emotions flowing through me as I was driving to meet up with my friend and soon I found myself near her place. Could I do it or should I turn around? Thoughts were racing through my silly head so fast that I just stopped thinking, parked the car and gave her a quick call. Then incredibly I saw her standing by her front door and everything felt alright. We hugged and she let me inside, I was still trembling inside but felt so good to have made it this far. I can't describe how wonderful it was to finally be free to talk and share with someone in person, and I slowly let myself relax as we shared a glass of wine and chatted. Words cannot express how much gratitude I have for her sharing her time, lending her support and just being friends and talking with me. What a beautiful person she is, and I am so fortunate to find her and listen to someone else that seems to have journeyed down a similar path and experienced so much. After two glasses of courage, the topic of going out came up and I lost my voice thinking about it for a moment. Perhaps the liquid courage helped out, but before I knew it we were in her car and on the way to a bar in an almost surreal moment to me. We walked towards the club, I felt so self-conscious out in the street and must have looked comical to those around us. When we finally agreed on a quiet place, the moment of reckoning seemed upon me but by then I figured what the hey and followed. I remember almost stumbling in the entrance, and then staring around the room to see if anyone was gawking at us. There were a few patrons at the bar but nobody paid any attention to us except a friendly waiter that led us to a booth. What an exhilaration it was just sitting there, I let my companion talk most of the time since I was shy about my voice, and drank in the entire scene in silence. I am sure to my experienced friend, the evening was quite boring and uneventful, but I just sat there absorbing everything and couldn't believe that I finally made it out in public. It wasn't as scary or anything what I thought it would be, in fact I don't think besides my friend anyone really noticed me there at all. We continued talking and I felt like crying at times at how foolish I had been, and I can't thank her enough for just being there for me. I know that I am gushing at how nice she was to me, but I cannot thank her enough for being so understanding and warm to me. After awhile we headed back and got back to my car and started home. I pulled over once to admire myself and smile, and spent most of the next week here thinking and trying to process all my feelings and emotions of that night. Now, almost two weeks have passed and I still think about it, and I long so much to put on a skirt or dress and go out again. In fact, I feel so much on edge and have sneaked around a few times just to try on a blouse or skirt just to calm myself down. It doesn't feel like a sexual need but rather a comforting need right now. I don't know if it is possible to look calm and normal on the outside while the inside is spinning and flailing like crazy but that's how I feel. I'm having those dreams and waking thoughts again that I hate myself so much for being born male and just want to run and live as Jacqueline forever. I don't do this of course, I just look for spots where I can curl up somewhere private from the world and cry. So this is where I am, and I feel like my breaking point is reached or that I need to do something to go on. Yesterday, I reached out, to a therapist that I have kept her number hidden in my desk in case I needed it and I felt that the time is now for me to need it. I am working on trying to arrange some time to talk with her, and I am trembling with fear and so needing that right now. I want so bad to come clean and tell my wife just to have her, but so much afraid of losing the one person I cherish more than anyone else in the world. I don't know anything anymore. I wish I knew more, but all I seem to know is that I am so screwed up today. I apologize that I will end without something positive, or reflective or anything insightful to share, but this is my true raw feelings and state of total chaos and confusion I'm at. Just wanted to get this down to see if I feel any better but still feel like I am on edge and more vulnerable then ever before. Namaste, ~Jacqueline Posted by Jacqueline at 7:50 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Monday, January 14, 2013 End of the line Well, this morning is being a bit difficult one for me, struggling here and feeling a bit low about myself. After considerable self-reflection on my situation, I think the time has come for me to cast aside the foolishness of trying to be someone else and deal with what has been dealt me. Regardless of how ever it feels to have been born Jackie, I will always be a male and pretending anything else is just going to lead to countless pain, shame, guilt and isolation from everyone who has ever mattered in my life. To this extent, I have boxed up all of Jackie and cast her away in a remote attic location where it will be difficult for me to get to again. I did not feel strong enough to just toss everything in the dumpster but I have told myself that will come soon. I am so so so tired of all the guilt and shame and trying to find a few moments to sneak it all out and for once I have decided to reach out to someone to help me deal with moving on from it. I have set up my first appointment a week from today with the sole purpose to talk to someone to help me toss everything out and leave all this foolishness behind once and for all. On my own no matter how hard I try I just can't do it. Just yesterday afternoon I was home alone doing laundry and the next thing I knew I was standing in front of the mirror with my wife's dress on trying to see how well it fit me still. I hate this and hate myself so much, I spent the rest of the night depressed and angry at myself, and then cried to sleep once again into my pillow when all else was quiet. I just need to move one, let go of all and bring some closure to who I am even if I feel that I was born the wrong way. So to this point this is going to be one of my last posts, I am hoping that someday soon I will be able to move on since I can't take being in between any longer. Namaste. Posted by Jacqueline at 8:44 AM 1 comment : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook Thursday, December 20, 2012 Looking back and forward Well, life has been busy so it has been a bit since I have posted but thought that today would be a good day to recap my year. In some aspects it has been a good year and I have pushed myself to experience a little more, but in others there is a lot more to be done. Looking back at 2012, I have expanded my wardrobe, made a few virtual friends to chat with, worked on make-up and ventured outside of the closet (albeit a very brief moment) for the first time after so many years of cowering inside. In the grand scheme of things, it probably is like the first few yards to a runner in a marathon but for me the brief moments brought me some peace and happiness. The large hurdle that I feel deep down inside that I need to conquer is how to reconcile all of my feelings and needs and share them with the love of my life. In my dramatic flair I feel like I am on the deck of the titanic and know there is an iceberg out there with my name on it. I love her so much and don't want to hurt her or my daughter but feel that I owe it to her to come out someday. I just don't know what to do about things somedays.. Anyways, the point for my entry today is to reflect on the tiny steps that I have made and look ahead to where I'm headed. I am horrible in asking for help, but I think that I do need someone to talk with to help me sort things out so I think the next step for me to try and push myself to find someone to talk with. While I know this may not be a simple thing or change much, I am hoping that it will do something more than just hiding by myself. I feel like I waver between feeling scared and foolish on most days, and sick of not knowing at least one person to be able to talk to. Beyond that, I don't really have many goals for 2013 but I will try to talk myself into taking my small steps little by little. For all my friends out there, warmest holiday wishes and best hopes and dreams for a good new year. Namaste, Jackie Posted by Jacqueline at 7:29 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook Monday, October 22, 2012 Tiny tiny steps.. It has been awhile since I've posted to my blog here, as the summer got crazy busy and work got hectic, etc. Plenty of excuses I guess, but I'm still here trying to figure things out. Since my latest update I have taken some tiny steps although progress is not as fast as I think to myself it should be. I did make a makeover appointment this past summer and it felt fabulous. Not only did I thoroughly enjoy learning and watching my face take on a more feminine look, but it was so liberating to talk so open and freely about it with a woman whom I can't thank enough for all the support. I even got some time to do my nails which is wonderful, and for at least one night it felt great. While I still feel shy and hesitate, I drove around and stopped and walked up and down the street as a woman which was a happy moment. My current difficulty is that with my schedule and situation, I have had to hide Jacqueline back in the closest which hurts since I want so badly to let her out. I feel like a big dramatic wuss sometimes, but still helpless to do anything else at the present. I have lately been wavering back and forth on purging my collection again and trying to more beyond my state but indecision seems to be the norm with me. Perhaps someday these tiny steps will lead somewhere or perhaps I will be back where I started. Life is just too hard somedays... Posted by Jacqueline at 7:21 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Tuesday, June 12, 2012 Enough of the homophobia already! A few days ago, I heard news that saddened me and reminded me about how much further we need to go as a society. http://www.queerty.com/pa-newspaper-refuses-to-run-same-sex-wedding-announcement-20120604/ Knowing Brent as an old friend, I cannot think of how anyone could have felt threatened by him, as when I spent time with him I found him to be a truly caring, understanding and open person and far from threatening. But of course, the old money that runs Lancaster feels threatened by the gay community which is amusing knowing how large and influential that group is in the area. And with the 'upholding of family values', for as long as I can remember seeing the paper took plenty of money to advertise strip clubs and other 'non-family' places in their classified and sports sections just flies in the face of hypocrisy. By the way, besides being gay, Brent is not Amish and more christian and Lancaster county than most people I know. I found it equally amusing hearing how the local TV picked up the story and the paper changed its tune knowing that Brent and one of the lead reporters on the station were friends since high school. Makes me wish that I could go back and view the report there, and to be able to personally congratulate them for standing up for what is right. I have reached out to him for a personal support, and I am sure his mailbox is overflowing. I wish him the best and makes me proud for knowing him there. Posted by Jacqueline at 1:03 PM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Monday, June 4, 2012 Happy birthday to me! Well coming up I get to celebrate the achievement of spending another year that has passed and it seems like these milestones make take some time reflect where I have been here. It seems like I feel I have started to make some strides in being honest and true to myself this past year, but I always feel like I have much farther to go. I am an avid reader of all sorts, so logically I have spent lots of time reading and planning but action I always seem a bit sort of. So in the spirit of pushing myself, I am going to try and set some small steps to achieve this next year and can use this to gauge where I am at next year. (1.) I am going to work on my make-up skills so that I can feel confident in my look (2.) I am going to admit to myself who I am and try to not be ashamed but rather be more proud of myself (3.) I am going to try to reach out and make some more friends (4.) I am going to venture out of the closet and make at least a trip somewhere (5.) I am going to be more open with my wife and family, and work on determining when we all fit in together Whew - that seems like alot yet not so much in some aspects there. I think it is good though to have it in writing so that I can check back and see what progress I have made (or haven't made). I realize this must seem so trival to some, but for silly ole me this is good to keep pushing myself forward. So we'll see when I check back where I am later and hopefully there will be more progress to report. On a lighter note, I did one think nice for myself and found a nice pair of tan boot-cut heels that will look very nice with jeans or tan skirts. So I am going to work on a new ensemble there and will try and post a new picture when I do. Hope that everyone got a chance to enjoy another beautiful weekend there and has a nice start to their week. Smile and hugs. Namaste ~ Jacqueline Friday, May 18, 2012 My brief adventure yesterday Well, armed with my courage about coming out and talking about my dressing, I almost made my first steps outside yesterday as Jacqueline. I had the evening off while the wife was away for a few hours and thought of a quick adventure to rush home and get dressed, then drive around a bit in femme before returning. I got as far as the front door knob this time before chickening out though. I just stood there frozen in place for a minute or so then heard one of the neighborhood kids whizzing by on a bike and fled back to safety again. I guess it would seem comical to an others, but I felt pathetic and sat in the closet and cried for awhile before pulling myself together. LOL! I am a silly goose! Looking back on it today, I feel better and will think of my folly as a new personal best in the closeness I have gotten to outside world. Someday I will make it I know, I wish we had a garage since it is almost impossible for me to get to my car without being seen somehow. On other notes, yesterday was declared international day against homophobia and transphobia, which is great to see that people are standing up for the silliness in the world that sparks violence and hate towards the community. I can't imagine how someone can feel so threatened by someone else's personal choice and lifestyle, but hopefully one by one some intelligence and compassion will be shared here. Here's a link to the info in case you hadn't seen it in the news since of course it gets very little notice by that community it seems: http://www.dayagainsthomophobia.org/-IDAHO-english,41- That's about all I have for today, looking forward to the weekend to relax and enjoy. Hope that you do the same as well. Cheers! ~Jacqueline Posted by Jacqueline at 10:10 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook Tuesday, May 15, 2012 Going to try reaching out... Good morning dears, Hopefully everyone had a nice weekend and a very happy Mother's day. I spent my quietly with my family and we had a real nice time telling my wife how wonderful she truly is. I honestly admire women for their strength, beauty and compassion, and my wife is truly one of the most amazing women in all three areas. So recently I have decided to branch out to others using the social media channel here. I am new on all of this so I signed up for facebook and tried to connect with some other cross-dressers here. I may also try some other social avenues as it seems like a good little step to talk and connect with others here. I still don't feel confident enough to leave the closet and realize how silly I am, but this gives me an anonymous site that I can start to feel a bit braver like here. Here's my facebook page (I think): http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003796615004 Each day it seems I feel like I wake up and are so confused about what I should do, and keep telling myself I an going to end up a mess if I don't forget all about trying to pretend I am a woman. But I find myself more and more wanting to dress-up, to go buy make-up and nail polish and just embrace the femme side inside me. If I had more natural hair on my head I would definitely pull it all out but instead have chewed my nail down thinking about things. Lately I have been having this dream/thoughts in between sleeping and consciousness that I was kidnapped and taken away to some remote place. There I unwillingly I was shaved head to toe, had a sex-change operation and other cosmetic surgery so that when I did come to my physical body was a curvaceous, totally female form. My captors then had me serve them, not in a sexual way but made me wait on him, dress up for him, and sasche around the island accompanying him. I guess the interpretation here is fairly obvious, and yet scares me thinking that down inside really that is what I want. Well that is alot of heavy thinking and for now I am nibbling away on my nails right now picturing this again. Sigh! I wish I wasn't so screwed up and normal like I was told to be. Well, I should go for now, and again it is another beautiful spring day so I am looking forward to getting outside during part of it here to enjoy. Hope that you get a chance to enjoy today too. Best wishes and hugs, ~Jacqueline

Friday, May 11, 2012 Flower in my backyard - a poem I have a friend, whom looks good in yellow, Her beauty lies deep within, As careless observers pass without notice, To appreciate the journey she’s been, She draws to me unlike no other wildflower, Ubiquitous, wherever I go, Firmly rooted to the earth, with graceful strength, She stands firm for everyone to know, Her metamorphosis ahead, I wonder is she afraid? Why change from an image we receive? Is the caterpillar afraid to enter his chrysalis? Or ready to transition to the splendor she believes? So, I reach out to nuzzle your golden mantle today, Where tomorrow a willowy mane will appear, Then I’ll bring you to my lips for one final time, And release your beauty, my dreams, on the air. One thing about me is that I find myself writing whenever I am down, and this came to me last night as I was musing about the world and everything heavy. Corny as it seems, I came across a large dandelion patch and started thinking how it represents a transitioning beauty, and I hadn't really spent much time appreciating them as a beautiful they really are. Thought that I would share a bit of my thoughts with you. warm hugs, Jacqueline Posted by Jacqueline at 1:43 PM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook Thursday, May 10, 2012 Feeling depressed today.. Hello there, While it is a beautiful Spring day here, I'm just feeling a bit blue here. Last night I was working up the courage to try and come out a bit to my spouse about shaving my chest when she made an offhand comment again scaring me from pushing any further. It really shut me down, and after she went to bed I spent some time crying and feeling sorry for myself. The whole episode has left me feeling sad and numb here today hoping that somehow I could change who I am while I know that is just a fairy tale. I know I tend to be overly dramatic and don't think she realized how it hurt me, but I can't avoid the shame and guilt that I feel would burden her if we talked. Alas, I have come to accept that it is okay to be depressed sometimes as without sadness one cannot appreciate joy. Life is a marvel that each day is different, I will be hoping for a better one tomorrow. Take care my friends. Hugs ~Jacqueline Tuesday, May 8, 2012 How do you handle the 'question'? So as I have been writing this blog recently, I have spent some time searching out many of the multitude of transgender and cross-dressing sites out there. I am amazed at how much there is, and I have found several informative ones which I am thankful for. One nice thing that I have found out there that makes me feel more normal, is that many, many other people out there are like me - happily attached heterosexual men that find dressing as a woman to be a healthy outlet for them. I have been incredibly blessed to be married to the most incredible and wonderful woman in the world for a long time and truly feel as deeply in love with her today as I ever been in my life. No matter how great it feels to try on a new outfit, relax and enjoy the moments when I can let my inner femme out, it can never compare to the blissful happiness I have spending time with my loving family. Yet, whenever these two world will collide, that would be a situation I am not sure how to handle. I really desire to tell my wife all about my needs to dress up on occasion and let me hair down, but this I am afraid will be all too much. I would love if she could understand, support me and encourage me, but at the same time I realize that I am being way to selfish and thinking about my needs alone here. The 'question' and how do you come out to those you love seems to appear in almost every cross-dressing site/blog in one form or another. From the honest responses that I have seen from those attached, it seems to be very rare where the situation where the revelation is able to strengthen a relationship for a lasting period. That makes sense in a way I guess, to be attracted to someone who wants to change how they look as dramatically as cross-dressing would bound to bring up the question of if the person's feelings have changed as well. I have seen plenty of responses as the one mental image of seeing their spouse dressed up is something that causes a struggle in a relationship with just the future sight of the spouse. Add into this the social stigma associated with this getting out to her friends and/or other kids at school, and I can tally another reason to stay in the closet. How would I feel if I walked in to my wife sporting a man's suit or other apparel? I would like to think that I would encourage and support and openly tell her about my habits, but saying something and actually being in that situation are two different things. Actually thinking about that now, I would love it as it would open the air for discussion but probably is about as likely as man setting foot on Pluto in the near future. When I think about confessing to my soul mate today about my cross-dressing, I don't have it in me right now to go through with it. All I can image is the pain and guilt I would feel telling her, as I would worry that she would feel this is somehow a reflection on her image (she is a totally beautiful woman), her false doubt of my commitment (I can never imagine anyone else in the world I would rather be with), or the shame in what it may do my daughter and I am overcome with the fear ever to let Jacqueline escape beyond a few brief fleeting moments in total seclusion. So that is what is on my mind today, May 8, 2012, and I am at peace feeling better about myself knowing that I am not alone. Perhaps some may call me a coward, a fake, a whatever, but I know to myself after struggling to admit it for a long time that I enjoy being both a family man and Jacqueline, and know what is important to my world that these two should stay apart, for at least today. I would love to find others in a similar position or anyone else that would like to talk. Until then, be well to yourself. Namaste, Jacqueline

Thursday, May 3, 2012 Picture of me Here's a pic of little ol' me as I talked about in my new little red dress :) It is not much and I have a long way to go, but I am working hard at accepting myself for my true beauty and will someday look back at this and laugh I am guessing. Life is truly a new adventure each day and I will take each little step one day at a time. Smiles and hugs ~jacqueline Wednesday, May 2, 2012 Lady in red Good morning there and happy May. I just love windy spring days like today as every thing seems fresh and the breeze is so sweet. Last time here I was writing about my upcoming spree and the cute shoes that I had my eye on, well they didn't quite work out but I still did manage to find some nice things for myself. One of my new additions was a new swanky red dress that I totally adore. I usually stick to the basic dark tones, but I must say that I love the way I look in it and it shows off my curves just fine. I must post an image of it here when I get a chance to as it my new fav addition. Now just to find some cute shoes and I will be set. Well to anyone out there, hope that you have a fabulous week there and feel free to post a comment. Warm wishes ~ jacqueline Posted by Jacqueline at 7:22 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Thursday, April 26, 2012 Live your life and respect I heard this line in a song this morning and it made me smile as a positive thought to start off the day here. Today I am especially excited since I have saved up some money and have a shopping splurge planned for myself! I have my eyes on a cute pair of small heels (hopefully they will fit) and looked forward to spending some quality time here at a nearby CD friendly shop. Hope if anyone stumbles across this blog here that they have a positive day today as well! It's almost Friday - Yay! - and I am looking forward to the weekend here. Posted by Jacqueline at 6:15 AM No comments : Email This BlogThis! Share to Twitter Share to Facebook

Tuesday, April 24, 2012 Hello World.. Hello and welcome to my blog here. I am starting this with the hope of using it as an outlet to express my feelings freely to others and hopefully share a smile, a laugh, a sorrow or whatnot I can. It has taken me a long time to discover myself here and I feel like I am still in the process, but reaching out to others seems like a natural instinct to me. Here's a quick synopsis of me - I am a very quiet, shy, and private person that has never quite felt like I fit into any one category. I have tried to live my life as a normally expected hetrosexual male is supposed to be, but even that I feel was never quite smooth. I won't say that I have always wished to have been female, but rather I have longed to feel that I could have the opportunity to make myself beautiful that it seems that only society allows a lady to be. I like to dress up pretty, not for anyone other than me and find it so liberating to be able to enjoy myself as a woman. I cannot really describe how wonderful this feels, but I hoping with this blog I can reach others in a similar position and develop some sort of kinship with them. So I am opening this avenue of communication here to the world, and will give it a go to see where it may lead me. I welcome any responses and will share my experiences freely with anyone who may be interested. I wish you peace and friendship as I cast a line into the virtual world. Hugs~~~ Jacqueline