Saturday, November 22, 2014

i am trans

Hello blog,
In the constant ups and downs of my life, I have been writing alot again lately as these swings seem to wreck my psyche.  I think the reason I feel comfort in writing anonymously is that this is one of the two places where I can be completely honest and open about all the thoughts and feelings I have inside of me.

I've never been one to share, and have gotten even less guarded which has taken a large toll on me.  So I decided to reach out to the only person that I have felt I can be completely honest and open with and spent yesterday afternoon talking with my former gender therapist.

To say that I feel embarassed, pathethic, hopeless, etc. crawling back  to see her is an understatement. But I did, and she of course didn't take it any way like that but was glad I came as she told me I needed help.

And I do, of course.

It was also eye opening to have her tell me that I already knew the answers to the questions I was asking her and she let me open up and say them out loud.  You know the big,fat hairy ones that you have wasted so many years of shame that you dreamed you could never say out loud.

I am trans.  I will always be trans no matter what I do or try to repress it. I honestly can only remember being happy when being a woman and I deep down desire to be one someday.

This will all require alot of hard woark and effort and tears.  I am going to get there someday, someway.
Tears and hugs,

Thursday, November 13, 2014

My adventure part 3

Hello blog,

I didn't mean to write so much about my last week away but yet I feel like I have left out alot of things.  I am still trying to process everything and I am definitely having adjustment problems to putting things away again.

I guess it is that I honestly I don't want to.  I don't think I possess the strength, the fortitude, the beauty and/or the support to transition but I keep thinking of that like 24/7.  I can't explain why I feel this inside but it is a passion inside that is all-consuming at times.  But really, I keep telling myself that I don't really know anything about living life as a woman and that these thoughts are just all fantasy.  Of course I don't feel that I really know how to live life as a man so where does that put me?

One thing I definitely learned last week was how much I love a good pair of jeans.  Part of my photo shoot I got to model in a very nice pair of jeans and those are all that I can think about.  It was an OMG experience putting them on, and I feel that I need a pair of my own however impractical it is.  I am going to save the $100 to buy myself a pair and cannot wait to try them on.

Another thing that last week reminded me was about feeling good about myself.  I know that sounds like just some catch phrase, but the more I dressed, the more I felt comfortable as myself and the more I felt good about me.  I am not religious and haven't studied reincarnation, but is like that my soul and essence is truly feminine and when I stop denying this it resonates throughout.  I feel freer, able to express my emotions and so much more confident as Jaclyn, and frankly in my male mode I am disgusted and uncomfortable in my body.

So where do I go from here?  Chances are I will be to frightened to do anything and will become depressed once again.  I want to change my life but afraid and unsure of that first step.  How did others start down that path or what gave them the push they needed - or is my situation like so many others waiting at the side watching in despair?

I sometimes feel anxious that my life is a ticking time bomb and worried that I have set things in motion to finally detonate.  I could use some support or a friend right now to help set me straight.  But this is my road to decide on my own I guess, and will have to try and figure it out someday.


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

My adventure part 2

This entry is the second part of my fabulous week last week in which I got to really spend some time being and understanding whom I really am inside. While I am still coming down from the adventures, I wanted to capture my recollections and emotions as close as they are to help me reflect later.

As the business side of day 2 wound down, I could feel the sweet anticipation of the upcoming night stirring inside of me.  Flying back to my room, I hastily showered and dressed before rushing out the door.  Tonight was going to be special as I went our and arranged a make-over and photo shoot with a local gal there.  This part of the experience I dared myself to do since I am not very confident in my looks and don't really like getting my picture taken because of this.  But I've read about how other girls had raved about the experience so I thought it was a good experience to undertake.

Arriving at the studio, it was easily apparent that I was a bundle of nerves.  While she did the best to help me relax and chat during makeup, it was a quick shot of tequila that I used to help calm the nerves a bit.  Back in the chair, I decided what the heck and had her apply the glam look to my eye shadow and was so impressed with her results.  When she was finished, I almost cried away the mascara at the fabulous job she did and could hardly believe how pretty I felt.  Then it was time to take some photos.  That was another experience that I needed to warm up to but after seeing some of the results in the viewer I could hardly believe it was me.  It is so hard to put in words how it felt to look at oneself and feel happy and beautiful and god I could have posed all night for her. I am not sure how she felt about all my hugs and thank yous but it has been so long since I felt this way I could hardly stop myself from gushing.

After the shoot, I decided there was no reason to waste this look and decided to head out to a local gay bar by myself.  This was another first and it felt great walking into the bar.  Old Jaclyn that would never have left the house would have died at my brazen actions. While it was a slow weeknight at the bar, I was hit upon by three different guys and it was intoxicating to gather so much attention.  I was really getting into everything when the one guy sitting next to me told me that he found me rather attractive as a man in a dress.  That popped the bubble as I looked at him and just said thank you as I felt crushed inside. I am not sure what I wanted him to say, but I guess somehow I just wanted to be considered a woman although I know that is a far stretch for me.  Perhaps I am just being way to sensitive, but I left the bar alone a few minutes later and took my experiences back home with me.

Overall it was a very good night and I came away feeling happy that I went out and experienced it.  Below are a few photos from the trip that still make me feel good inside.

Hugs, Jaclyn


Monday, November 10, 2014

My adventure part 1

Dear blog,

It has been an eventful past week here for me and I wanted some time to capture my thoughts as I still feel emotionally somewhere in-between states today.  Really that is not a foreign location for me, but today the tug of the two worlds seems more of a struggle than usual.

Last week was the infamous out of town business meeting for which I got the chance to live and enjoy life as Jaclyn more than I had let myself before.  And what a totally fun time it was, shopping, clubs, modeling, meeting new friends I had such a  great time.  And now, I feel that emptiness that the vacuum of leaving that behind creates.

I started off the first evening like oh so many by taking some time to relax and pamper myself with a nice warm bath to clear my head. Afterwards I applied a fresh set of makeup and through on a pair of my favorite jeans and decided to hit some local shops to look for something new.  It was really a rush taking those first few steps out of the safety of the hotel room but I was determined that this time I would not chicken out here.

So the first shop I came to was a crowded Dress Barn in a suburban strip mall.  After taking a few deep breaths, I stepped out and walked towards the store.  Coming around a corner was a group of young adults hanging out, and I looked straight at one boy as I heard them giggling.  While I was not sure it was directed at me, it felt like a shot in the gut of my new confidence and I hurried inside the store.  Then panic totally set in, and I felt as though everyone in the crowded place was looking at me. I totally freaked out and walked with my head down to the back of store, pretended to browse a few racks, and then briskly ran out of the store.  I don't even remember if I saw the group of kids hanging out as I launched myself back into my car, and I drove away to a distant lot to hyperventilate and cry for a few minutes.  While I was sitting there in the car wallowing in the midst of my self-pity, somewhere inside I decided that I was not going to be ashamed and to enjoy myself.  I had looked up a resale shop not far away and before I knew it I had touched up my makeup and headed into that store.  This time I didn't really care about feeling out of place and spent a good long time looking and trying on different outfits.  While I didn't find the cute winter dress I was looking for, I felt so proud leaving the store having made several purchases of some practical items.

Yet, this wasn't the biggest adventure of my trip.  The next evening I had gone out on a lark and scheduled a make-over and photo shoot with a local to the area and what a fun time that turned out to be.  I will write more about that tomorrow but sufficient to say it was one of the best nights in a very long time.

Hugs, Jaclyn