Thursday, February 26, 2015

I hate myself

Hello blog,

I continue to feel really down these days but since my therapist thought it would be good to write again I am adding another entry.  Despite how I feel that I just want to curl up and die somewhere anonymously I still don't have the strength to go quite through with the act. I can keep cutting myself and counting out sleeping pills but somewhere in the brain stem of my messed up head I stop just short each time.

I wish I had some resolution or some good news or a more positive outlook but I do not.  It's like being trans and knowing that I will continue to be this way no matter how many purges, denials and hours I spend trying to be what I am not.

So where am I at then? I don't really know and don't think I have made any progress and ashamed of that. I just feel so pathetic and empty and just ready to give up.

I hate myself so much it just hurts.

Friday, February 13, 2015


I see myself walking across a deserted bridge,
The wind blowing my hair but feeling no breeze,
I see myself looking down to the emptiness below,
All my troubles gone  I'm finally at ease

Lost in thought I feel the sweet embrace,
My hands are up reaching for the sky,
I open my eyes and see the years pass by slowly now,
Wasted hope and dreams, for these I cannot cry,

My struggles gone, I sink to the bottom now,
The quietness of my eternal solitude surrounds me,
Just one last thing to do now forever more,
Just one large breath and time to be finally free.

That about sums up how I feel right now and I think it is time to depart.  I'm sorry for all the trouble, pain and hurt I've caused in this world.  Wish I was stronger.  Good-bye forever. Jaclyn