Tuesday, July 11, 2017

pondering decisions

Dear blog,

We all make important decisions in life and many of these I have found in my experience that I often reflect upon and question if they are correct.  Lately in my wee head I have ruminating on these more and more and not finding much clarity.

The one I have been most thinking about lately has been the one a few months ago to stop HRT and to assess if this is the right direction for me.  In particular I have been wondering about the impact these hormones had upon my inherent happiness.

Of course I can look at the destruction spiral that I went on upon stopping and easily state that it was a bad decision.  There were unanswered questions at that time I was grappling with and still am.  I can say that I feel any further towards answering these or even being able to articulate them.  While my mental brain grapples with these, I have been trying to pair things down to my physical feelings.

At the root of these, I keep returning to that euphoric feeling that seemed to overcane me with each dosage.  It didn't happen right away, but soon afterwards it felt each day like the noise of the outside world would be dissaparate as if I was sinking into a warm bath to escape the troubles and chaos all around me.  At the time I told myself that these feelings were just mental and my wishing, but lately I have been thinking that perhaps this was physical body feeling like it was finally aligning with the right mental one. It is a hard feeling to really describe to someone who has not experienced this, and I have been missing this feeling very badly lately.  I also miss those gentle pangs I would feel in my breasts and feel a little bit on the desperate side to get them back.

I wish I knew the right feelings and was able to understand the right decisions for me. Right now, I just don't know or at least I do and don't let myself admit to it.