Wednesday, November 18, 2015

thankful for little things

Good morning blog,

I thought I'd take a few minutes today from the hectic pace of life to put down some random words that have been floating around here.

Clarity of where I am and where I'm going is still as murky as possible which drives a planner like me nuts.  I do get a few moments of peace to dream and wish about things and slowly feel like some progress is being made.

I'm enjoying having the t-blockers in my system as I feel that my body is getting rid of some of that yucky male stuff.  I can't say I notice a big difference as I was never very muscular or shaped as a man, but I do see some subtle differences which I am not sure are real or imagined.  I have been trying to take better care of my skin and notice that it is softer but I think the exfoliate and lotion routine is to attribute to that.

I also took the next stop to set up an appointment at the clinic to discuss adding estrogen to my regimen.  Unfortunately with the holidays approaching and schedules, I won't be able to make that happen until after the New Year.

I am not sure how I will respond to that, but I do know what I wish for. I want to stop living a lie, to just be how I want and embrace my feelings and dreams.   I'm dreaming of making that hard step to transition, to be a woman but I don't know what that means.  Its akin to wanting to swim 2 miles while you are on the shore and don't know how to swim.  I am so eager to dive in and get going but fear of sinking right to the bottom and drowning keeps me on the side.  There is so many questions and fears that I have and wish I had just one good friend to talk with everyday to figure this all out.  But I'm shy and timid and not able to reach out.  So that's the dilemma.

So I will continue on and be thankful that I have so much that I take for granted here.     The holidays are coming and then soon a new year and resolutions will follow.  I'm not sure what I will do, but I do know what I am wishing for.