Good morning blog,
Today is the first day of spring and good day to reflect on things that are new. I am feeling a bit more positive today and hoping that this trend can continue here.
Its been a week since starting on HRT take 2 and so far so good. Emotionally I feel a little lift each day as the pills dissolve under my tongue and physically I feel some slight changes already which took longer to occur last time. My touch and skin feels a bit more dry and softer, and I have noticed some faint pains in my chest especially if I try to sleep on my tummy. I feel my moods be a little lighter although I did find myself shedding a few tears around throwing away some old pants.
I think the biggest thing that I have tried to take the past week to do is to live in the moment rather than worry about whats ahead. That is tough for me as I have so many thoughts and worries about how to walk, talk and present myself as Jaclyn. I have no clue how I can ever pull that off. But today I keep telling myself that I don't need to know that all, just to take a little tiny step and try and believe in the end things will all work out. Easier said than done, but as a quite I once heard - "The past is history, the future is mystery and today is a gift that's why the call it the present."
I am going to try and enjoy the rebirth of spring today and be happy with who I am.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
Start of my journey
Good morning blog,
Today marks a new start for me or at least a new restart here.
You know I have been struggling and fighting and resisting and crying and just about going out of my wits dealing with my gender identity issues for almost 40 years here. I have gotten to the point where I feel hopeless and then a new sunrise appears. I have felt alone and frightened, then I find friendship and warmth. I have decided that instead of fighting, I am accepting.
You know the saying that a journey of thousands of miles starts with a small step, well I have decided to start HRT again. Of course I don't have any answers and have no clue where my journey leads, and it seems like I am literally going to have to walk to Tibet to get answers or change there.
But this feels right. The warm familiar embrace of the first estrogen pill dissolving felt like a homecoming to me. I really want to transition, need to transition or I don't know what else. I know that I need alot of help here and will try to take each day one at a time but can't help but look ahead down the road and dream.
I dream of day of being free to be me. I so want that day to come.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
Today marks a new start for me or at least a new restart here.
You know I have been struggling and fighting and resisting and crying and just about going out of my wits dealing with my gender identity issues for almost 40 years here. I have gotten to the point where I feel hopeless and then a new sunrise appears. I have felt alone and frightened, then I find friendship and warmth. I have decided that instead of fighting, I am accepting.
You know the saying that a journey of thousands of miles starts with a small step, well I have decided to start HRT again. Of course I don't have any answers and have no clue where my journey leads, and it seems like I am literally going to have to walk to Tibet to get answers or change there.
But this feels right. The warm familiar embrace of the first estrogen pill dissolving felt like a homecoming to me. I really want to transition, need to transition or I don't know what else. I know that I need alot of help here and will try to take each day one at a time but can't help but look ahead down the road and dream.
I dream of day of being free to be me. I so want that day to come.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
Thursday, March 1, 2018
a new start?
Starting over...again.
Or at least I hope that it is not completely from the beginning.
IMO, I think anyone that battles lifelong with their gender identity and norms of society probably has multiple starts and stops along the way. At least I hope that I am more 'normal' in one respect this way.
Jaclyn has this voice deep inside me that seems to grow stronger and stronger at times. I can feel these times are overtaking me once again and holding out is beyond my control.
I took a brave step today and made a new appointment to discuss hrt and how to transition at the clinic. That will be in less than 2 weeks.
I am so excited, scared, nervous and excited about things.
I am looking for the start of something good and making me whole.
Not sure what that all is - freedom, angst, peace, love, confusion.
I am going to ask for so much hope, and pray that taking this small step today will lead me to other larger ones.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
Or at least I hope that it is not completely from the beginning.
IMO, I think anyone that battles lifelong with their gender identity and norms of society probably has multiple starts and stops along the way. At least I hope that I am more 'normal' in one respect this way.
Jaclyn has this voice deep inside me that seems to grow stronger and stronger at times. I can feel these times are overtaking me once again and holding out is beyond my control.
I took a brave step today and made a new appointment to discuss hrt and how to transition at the clinic. That will be in less than 2 weeks.
I am so excited, scared, nervous and excited about things.
I am looking for the start of something good and making me whole.
Not sure what that all is - freedom, angst, peace, love, confusion.
I am going to ask for so much hope, and pray that taking this small step today will lead me to other larger ones.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
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