Tuesday, March 20, 2018

spring wishes

Good morning blog,

Today is the first day of spring and good day to reflect on things that are new.  I am feeling a bit more positive today and hoping that this trend can continue here.

Its been a week since starting on HRT take 2 and so far so good.  Emotionally I feel a little lift each day as the pills dissolve under my tongue and physically I feel some slight changes already which took longer to occur last time.  My touch and skin feels a bit more dry and softer, and I have noticed some faint pains in my chest especially if I try to sleep on my tummy.  I feel my moods be a little lighter although I did find myself shedding a few tears around throwing away some old pants.

I think the biggest thing that I have tried to take the past week to do is to live in the moment rather than worry about whats ahead.  That is tough for me as I have so many thoughts and worries about how to walk, talk and present myself as Jaclyn.  I have no clue how I can ever pull that off.  But today I keep telling myself that I don't need to know that all, just to take a little tiny step and try and believe in the end things will all work out.  Easier said than done, but as a quite I once heard - "The past is history, the future is mystery and today is a gift that's why the call it the present."

I am going to try and enjoy the rebirth of spring today and be happy with who I am. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Start of my journey

Good morning blog,

Today marks a new start for me or at least a new restart here. 

You know I have been struggling and fighting and resisting and crying and just about going out of my wits dealing with my gender identity issues for almost 40 years here.  I have gotten to the point where I feel hopeless and then a new sunrise appears.  I have felt alone and frightened, then I find friendship and warmth.  I have decided that instead of fighting, I am accepting.

You know the saying that a journey of thousands of miles starts with a small step, well I have decided to start HRT again.  Of course I don't have any answers and have no clue where my journey leads, and it seems like I am literally going to have to walk to Tibet to get answers or change there.

But this feels right.  The warm familiar embrace of the first estrogen pill dissolving felt like a homecoming to me. I really want to transition, need to transition or I don't know what else.  I know that I need alot of help here and will try to take each day one at a time but can't help but look ahead down the road and dream.

I dream of day of being free to be me.  I so want that day to come.


Thursday, March 1, 2018

a new start?

Starting over...again.
Or at least I hope that it is not completely from the beginning. 
IMO, I think anyone that battles lifelong with their gender identity and norms of society probably has multiple starts and stops along the way.  At least I hope that I am more 'normal' in one respect this way.
Jaclyn has this voice deep inside me that seems to grow stronger and stronger at times.  I can feel these times are overtaking me once again and holding out is beyond my control.
I took a brave step today and made a new appointment to discuss hrt and how to transition at the clinic.  That will be in less than 2 weeks.
I am so excited, scared, nervous and excited about things.
I am looking for the start of something good and making me whole.
Not sure what that all is - freedom, angst, peace, love, confusion.
I am going to ask for so much hope, and pray that taking this small step today will lead me to other larger ones.