hopeless

 Warning - this post is going to be filled with anger, hate, despair, etc so I would avoid if you are looking for an inspirational feel-good post here.

Recently my therapist told me to use the blog to express my anger, depression, etc. so I feel like using that this morning.  I recently wrote about how I felt like I have gotten to a stage in my life where I am ready to open a door, well I did open it only to find it slammed fast right back into my face.

I am so so tired of living with gender dysphoria, feeling like as a fake and hating my fucking body.  There's nothing else that I can do to change that without exploding everything I care about so this means there's nothing else I can do.  End of road. Finale.

I am going to have to deal with this mistake that I am - I can't look into the mirror and today I felt disgusted looking at old family photos containing me.  I am cutting, thinking about suicide and righting final notes in case I get too far and can't return back.  No I never do anything so no worry there.  Even with suicide I am a failure.

How can you hate your life so g-d bad yet not want to change because you love the others you are surrounded by.  How can you be so pathetic and hurt and cry and not want to do anything about it.  How can you feel like the biggest fucking mistake in the whole fucking world?

I don't know but that's me. I am a fraud, I am worthless, I am a failure, a mistake, a totally waste of oxygen and resources and don't deserve anything more.  I don't know what to do I am cutting myself and watching the blood run down my arm and feel nothing. 

I am hopeless.

hand on the door...

 Hello blog,

While some weeks may be kinda of boring, my last week was everything but that it seemed.  I am still trying to pick up the pieces of where I crashed and landed in the ER under suicide observation and fully appreciate some of the high points where I had more intense discussions about my gender dysphoria with my loved ones that I have in a really really long time.

That demon of self-hate, feelings of worthlessness, being a fraud got the better of me as I keep going down a slope of self harm here.  My wrists do not look pretty but it is not from wanting to kill myself but from me not wanting to exist.  I know that does not make logically sense but while I feel at times the world would be better if I wasn't around, I am not really able to take the steps necessary to completely remove myself.  I know this thinking is a disease that I have and I need to keep working on that but it is a weak pattern I seem to fall back into at times.  I am currently looking for help but finding that with the stressed out mental health system this is not as easy to find these days.  

After all this chaos though my wife and I had some serious conversations and acceptance that my gender dysphoria is never going to go away as long as I continue with 2 lives.  This meant that I had to admit some of my secrets to her, and now that I have spoken them out loud they seem to have a different life to them.  I am still thinking of talking with an endocrinologist next week about starting HRT to improve my mental state, but not sure what else I want from that.

All this stress and confusion seems to have gotten me to budge a little bit towards some path, but right now I feel like I have my handle on a doorknob and not really sure what I will find on the other side of the doorway.  I am hoping I have the strength to open it finally and walk through but next few weeks will be a big step towards that.  

I wish I had a crystal ball to see what lies ahead.  I am scared and afraid and need to tighten my seat belt for what comes next. 

Explaining dysphoria

How do you explain dysphoria to someone? I have been pondering that question here as I have been battling what feels like overwhelming urges and wanting to share it with my loved ones. 

 Logically this all does not make any sense. When I am in male mode I can hardly handle looking at pictures of myself or looking at my body in the mirror brings up a nauseous feeling. When I take that same body and add some female clothes, wig and makeup I suddenly can't seem to stop looking at myself and want to take selfies of me smiling. It's the same body, same brain, same everything but with a little different window dressing. 

Lately I have been obsessing over the amount of testosterone in my body and really craving to start t-blockers and estrogen again. I feel the roughness of my skin, my hair stubble, my body fat and feel paralyzed by these emotions - I can shave and add lotions and tweeze but it never seems to ever be enough. Again, these thoughts in my brain must look illogical to any outside observer. 

I have gone through this rationalization a million times and told myself I need to accept the natural situation and yet I am here resisting that idea again today. My loved ones can't understand why I having trouble with this fact and when they tell me they love my male body I feel aggravated at that statement. I feel like I have lost hope that they will have an open mind and try to understand things from my perspective so I question my feelings as being wrong. I will continue to hide because this is the path of least friction but crumble away inside as I do this. 

 I wish I could make people understand. Or maybe they are all right and then I wish I could understand and accept. I just don't know anymore these days.