Tuesday, October 17, 2017

my depression

For those people who do not question our gender and suffer from depression, I'd like to let you know that it really sucks.  No this blog is not going to be a long winded ranting about poor me, but rather I'd like to write about the hell I experience on a daily basis trying to cope with my depression.

Lately the depression side of me seems to be winning as I have had a hard time trying to tune it out. No matter what meds or therapy (yes I am sought out our traditional western medicine to no avail), I still feel like shit more days than not.  Its one of those things that I just can't get over it and I find myself not really interested in doing much of anything and questioning why I even try.  I wonder often what is so mentally wrong with me when I look at going down a flight of stairs not really just a method to get where I want but rather an opportunity to do a header and try and land and snap my neck.   I know that some people may say the reason I am depressed is that I am spending all this energy on a daily basis to try and be someone else but I think if I removed my gender issues I would still be depressed.  I wish there could be someone I could talk to but how do you approach someone to tell them you fell totally empty and not even sure why you are even bothering at anything anymore.   I think this falls into that uncomfortable category that you know most people would more like to talk about weather, sports, theather, politics, etc.

I just don't know where to turn or how to keep going on these days.  Depression sucks.