Friday, December 15, 2017

Winter reflections

Hello blog,

As the last few weeks of 2017 wind down here, I have been doing some reflection recently.   While I did manage to take some positive steps during 2017, I am going to think of this past year as a lot of what ifs and difficult times.   While it has not been fun, I think I may have learned a little more about myself this year and hope that will pay off in 2018 and beyond.

I started off the year feeling fairly positive and good with a few months of HRT seeming to put my mind at ease.  However while I felt a kind of internal peace, I also started feeling myself withdraw as I anticipated coming to a critical decision point where it was time to really move forward.  I wish I could be writing here today that I did something with courage and could hold my head up proud about, but honestly I did nothing like that.  Instead, I freaked out and chose the path of self-destruction.  In the very long and cold early hours of a March night, I felt like I could go no further in this world and started to take steps to end everything.

That was an awful night and the month and half intervention left some lasting scars on me.  I still haven't fully recovered yet and often I still think I am going back to that place.  I have multiple people classifying and telling me to ignore these distorted thoughts that go on, but I honestly feel like a failure in this world at times.

Slowly this past month I have started to make some plans and feel like I am getting drawn back into the world of Jaclyn even though I am not able to give up my current one.   It still goes against most logical thoughts and I feel so lonely and lost here.

What will 2018 bring me? I wish I had hat crystal ball or at least some idea here.  I guess that's why I am still here to find out for.

Happy holidays and wishes for a merry new year.



  1. I just wish I was close enough to give you a hug....

  2. Sorry to hear of your struggle. Keep on fighting to be you. It will get easier with time. It may not feel like it at times, but you have survived and are still going. Keep on being awesome. ♥️

  3. Jaclyn, you are strong enough to have written this so well done you. We all go through hard times, it is part of life whoever we are but you can make some more positive steps. Maybe faltering but you have the strength and sense to succeed - really. Love Linda

  4. It’s freaking hard to be trans, but you know that. We are born into it and then we add into the mix our own psychological twists and turns like anyone else, with added trans baggage. It’s a heavy load. I’m sorry to hear about your struggle. I wish you a wonderful and prosperous 2018.

  5. you are so amazing to be able to put this out here for us... you know that you're not alone! that doesn't really stop the pain or make it all go away, but it does mean that you have somewhere to go Jaclyn... you have a future. you know that too or you wouldn't have written this. you are going to be so happy because you will be able to trace every step that you took, you will know that you didn't avoid the abyss, you confronted what was impossible... and you will be the owner of what emerges... you! Jacklyn... we want you!