Hello blog,
Lately I have been thinking a lot of what I consider the A* word, authentic. I am guessing to anyone residing outside of my brain, my aversion to this word probably at best seems foolish.
To me though, this particular word especially spoken in phrases like "live your life authentic" or "be the authentic you" just seems to upset me. I've noticed that and tried to analyze the reason to death here.
The only conclusion I get towards why this word sets me off is because I have no idea what authentic truly means to me. I have thought and thought so much on this that frankly I have no clue what direction is up. down or anywhere in-between.
Authentic to me may be embracing my identity as a trans person but yet when I do that I feel like a fraud and pretending to be something for reasons I'm not sure of. When I try to model my life in my assigned gender, I feel self-hatred and disgust and never quite feel like I live up to that either. When I go back and forth, I feel like I am ashamed and immature, and hate hiding away or thinking that things will just go away.
I am so so tired of this shit and not knowing anything anymore. I wish I didn't spend so much time questioning myself over this, but I keep wondering about how do I know what's right for me? Is this a sign or a perpetual dark hole that I will always keep spinning about.
I dunno. I am just getting too old and too tired of this and life anymore.
Sorry for spinning an old topic here, but it seems like some of the same thoughts continue to cycle throughout my wee brain.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
What you've written here sounds an awful lot like what I was going through about 16 years ago. It was difficult enough for me to live one existence, let alone two of them. I concluded that there was no way I was ever going to make it with a dual existence, and even more certain that I could not go back to attempt a male-only one. That left me with the choice of making a social transition to living female, and, even if that didn't pan out, I was willing to accept any humiliation and loss that may come of it, if it didn't work out. I thought that it couldn't be worse than what I was going through at the time, anyway.
ReplyDeleteThere was an immediate sense of relief when I purged myself of all my male wardrobe, along with each declaration that I would only be available to anyone in my life as the woman I was born to be (the way I most often explain myself to others). I won't say that the process has been easy, but my life has been so much better than it was before. I may not be considered "authentic" to everyone else (for whatever reasons some may have), but it has made me feel more authentic as a total person - something that was never going to happen living a dual existence.
I wouldn't tell you what to do, although I have a feeling you would have much the same experience as I have if you followed the same path.
I still would never wish gender confusion and variance on anyone, but the dysphoria is real, and something that is innate in those of us who have it. We have no choice but to include it in our authenticity.