July 1

Hello blog,

Today is the first day of July and this marks that the horrid month that last June was is finally over. Sad that June has typical been my favorite month of the year that this one has been so terribly long.

As the month of May brought me finally to accept that I am transgender, the month of June brought me to accept some more much unpleasant things.  While I still question whether or not coming out to my wife was the dumbest idea I have ever had, there is really nothing more to do than to pick up the pieces and try and go forward from there.  She is still closed down and not listening and sadly I am losing faith that she will ever be able to understand.  There is too much anger and fear there for me to overcome.

So, based on this I will need to go back into hiding for the rest of my life. I have come to accept as she says I will never ever pass as a woman just like I have trouble passing as a man.  What does that make me?  I guess it depends if you are asking based on appearance or feelings.  I don't trust I will ever be able to open up my feelings again as rejection hurts so badly so the answer will be probably a socially-unfit male.

I know that I am not depressed.  I stopped taking those stupid anti-depressants last week as their side effects listed weight gain and sexual dis-function as possible.  I really don't want to gain any weight (I still have around 10 lbs to lose) and unfortunately I don't seem to see any sexual dis-function so I have nothing to gain from them.  My wife keeps telling me how much better I seem and that they must be helping.  Again, she only sees me as what she wants to see.

Other things I have come to accept:  I need to go back to presenting myself as a content, happy male role.  Dan, the dork therapist, will not be of help to me but I will need to go through the motions and pretend he is.  I may need to purge or pretend purge to help present some miracle cure I suppose. I cannot open up my deep personal thoughts to my wife since she has no ability to handle them.  I will continue to feel like dressing as a woman for those brief moments to help me feel good about myself, but I will need to do this in hiding and deepest of closets/  And lastly, if I feel like I cannot continue this charade any longer and I cannot deny my inside feelings, then I need to end things once and for all.  And not in an obvious fashion since that would leave grief and despair to people around me, but I will chose to do in an 'accidential' fashion so that will avoid anyone having guilt about my suicide.  I really don't care since I won't be around anyways, and I have several methods already in mind for that.

As I start July, this coming week has me spending the week in Michigan with my wife's entire family and is not the way I really want to start it.  But there is no other choice to appear to be making 'healthy' progress and I am especially despising having to celebrate my birthday with all of them.  I am going to need all of resources to pretend and feign artificial happiness this week as right now her parents are on the top of my hated list.  But when I do feel my act slipping, I am planning to spend time totally involved with my daughter, the truly most wonderful and happiest part of my life and the only reason that I even stay around.  Will I make it to see her graduate college, get married or even make it out of the third grade?  I hope so but would not place bets on any of these.

Take care,
Jaclyn