Monday, September 19, 2016

Stuck in-between

Hello blog,

You know that every time I think I've figured something out I start analyzing all the what-ifs of the situation and end up back where I started.  Sort of like a turtle that has been flipped on her back that pushes and pushes to right its way up but slips and ends up spinning on her hind side again.  

Right now, the urge and the desire to quit faking my life and follow the t word (transition dare I speak it) is pulling strong inside of me.  Emotionally I want to push my chips all in and just go for it, logically I sit here and ponder the absurdity and if I have the strength to do that. 

I just spent last week at a work conference playing conservative business man during the day only to change each night and see the town as Jaclyn.  And I felt so much better and comfortable being Jaclyn that going back has been really really hard.  I broke down the last day just thinking that this was coming and haven't fully recovered from that yet.  I honestly want to run away and start anew and true and as Jaclyn but lack the fortitude to take this step.  I so look up to all the trans-sisters before me that have done just that and would love to talk with them to understand if the gains far exceeded the losses in their lives at this step.

I still don't know who I am and where I fall in the gender line besides somewhere in-between male and female.  I think I really want that line to be female and dream about that every night. If only I had a fairy godmother to make things all right.

Here are a few shots of my new hair style and my time out in Vegas for me to remember.  Each day I feel closer and closer to making my dreams come true.

Hugs & Kisses, Jaclyn

1 comment: