lost

Some days are tougher than others and today is no exception to the rule.  Lately I have been really struggling alot with my gender identity and trying to get back on to writing to help alleviate some of that pressure.

For those who are happy with two genders and even those that feel comfortable with the one they were genetically born into I know that I seem rather confusing.  I keep thinking to myself why I wasn't born a woman and how much better my life would be.  Of course it is so much easier with would bes that dealing with as is.  But honestly I have often asked this question since I was a teenager and watching how puberty made me feel awful.

I have often thought about my cross-dressing need as swimming and needing the occasion to bob up for air and experience life before diving down to make some progress.  But lately that analogy doesn't work as I feel like fighting my dysphoria is a losing battle here.  Somewhere deep inside me tells me that I need to transition, I have no idea how to or how to make a go of it, but this need is feeling all-encompassing.

I just can't go on much longer I fear and this will have drastic consequences to my whole world and for all those I love.  I am scared shitless and have my heart in my throat thinking of saying these things out loud and even writing them down seems hard. I just don't know which way to turn and feel so lost.