Will I ever go out again

Good morning blog,

Recently I received a quick hello from a girlfriend that lives close by wanting to get together and catch up. Nothing special, just a chance to go out and have coffee and chat in a public space as Jaclyn with her.

The problem with that is requiring me to dress and go out again.  

I feel like I have slid all the way backwards to the point when being seen in public is scary and unfathomable once again.  I remember so many failed attempts to get to the front door and turn around and now I don't even feel able to get that far.

I can't explain it, its not like I'm hiding from my family as I was before when I stayed hidden away.  I just feel like I no longer fit in or that I no longer can manage to have the strength to go through the process.

What I really think the issue is that I can't deal with the afterwards again.   I feel like I am skipping any happiness or breath of fresh air I would have gotten by going out and going straight to the shame and self-disgust of myself that comes when I take off the makeup and clothes.

This hopeless feeling is soul crushing and I just feel dread getting up and moving through each day again as me. I feel so sad and like crying. There's nowhere to go