Hello blog,
While some weeks may be kinda of boring, my last week was everything but that it seemed. I am still trying to pick up the pieces of where I crashed and landed in the ER under suicide observation and fully appreciate some of the high points where I had more intense discussions about my gender dysphoria with my loved ones that I have in a really really long time.
That demon of self-hate, feelings of worthlessness, being a fraud got the better of me as I keep going down a slope of self harm here. My wrists do not look pretty but it is not from wanting to kill myself but from me not wanting to exist. I know that does not make logically sense but while I feel at times the world would be better if I wasn't around, I am not really able to take the steps necessary to completely remove myself. I know this thinking is a disease that I have and I need to keep working on that but it is a weak pattern I seem to fall back into at times. I am currently looking for help but finding that with the stressed out mental health system this is not as easy to find these days.
After all this chaos though my wife and I had some serious conversations and acceptance that my gender dysphoria is never going to go away as long as I continue with 2 lives. This meant that I had to admit some of my secrets to her, and now that I have spoken them out loud they seem to have a different life to them. I am still thinking of talking with an endocrinologist next week about starting HRT to improve my mental state, but not sure what else I want from that.
All this stress and confusion seems to have gotten me to budge a little bit towards some path, but right now I feel like I have my handle on a doorknob and not really sure what I will find on the other side of the doorway. I am hoping I have the strength to open it finally and walk through but next few weeks will be a big step towards that.
I wish I had a crystal ball to see what lies ahead. I am scared and afraid and need to tighten my seat belt for what comes next.
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