hopeless

 Warning - this post is going to be filled with anger, hate, despair, etc so I would avoid if you are looking for an inspirational feel-good post here.

Recently my therapist told me to use the blog to express my anger, depression, etc. so I feel like using that this morning.  I recently wrote about how I felt like I have gotten to a stage in my life where I am ready to open a door, well I did open it only to find it slammed fast right back into my face.

I am so so tired of living with gender dysphoria, feeling like as a fake and hating my fucking body.  There's nothing else that I can do to change that without exploding everything I care about so this means there's nothing else I can do.  End of road. Finale.

I am going to have to deal with this mistake that I am - I can't look into the mirror and today I felt disgusted looking at old family photos containing me.  I am cutting, thinking about suicide and righting final notes in case I get too far and can't return back.  No I never do anything so no worry there.  Even with suicide I am a failure.

How can you hate your life so g-d bad yet not want to change because you love the others you are surrounded by.  How can you be so pathetic and hurt and cry and not want to do anything about it.  How can you feel like the biggest fucking mistake in the whole fucking world?

I don't know but that's me. I am a fraud, I am worthless, I am a failure, a mistake, a totally waste of oxygen and resources and don't deserve anything more.  I don't know what to do I am cutting myself and watching the blood run down my arm and feel nothing. 

I am hopeless.